He's in the Army now,
He's not behind a plow
Things are a little hectic these days. You know, with the deployment of so many loved ones.
As a reservist from the American Revolution, Rassmussen received his orders last week. I have been desperately trying to talk him out of going, but he insists he must. Some rhetoric about patriotism and duty to mother and country.
I've even tried to go around him and contact the Department of Defense. They keep directing me to a Sergeant Ryan. Whoever this Sergeant Ryan is, he must be one busy man. I have called several times a day every day since I first received his name. I keep getting the same boring recording asking for my name, number, and a brief message. How do you briefly tell a stranger one of his men is not only well beyond the age of good reason but also an honest to goodness gargoyle of the winged kind? With wings, I'd think the very least they could do is make him a captain in the Air Force.
Of course, Rassmussen is simply relieved he isn't going into the Navy. That whole mouse droppings and starvation incident from a few decades ago still has him soured on ship life. I've tried to defend the Navy, but in my distressed state, I can only see it as one less headache requiring my attention.
Did I mention Rassmussen has resorted to saying if Bugs Bunny could serve so could he? That alone should prove he is unfit for service.
Since my efforts to date have been fruitless, with both the obstinate gargoyle and the absent Sergeant Ryan, I must resort to a public plea. If anyone knows of someone who may be able to help Rassmussen out of his current predicament, please, I beg of you, do so. I simply cannot see the U.S. Armed Forces as being prepared for the . . . sensitivities . . . of one such as my dearest Rassmussen.
Barring a prompt legal solution, I will only have but one recourse, to slip sleeping pills into his coco and sneak him across the border into Canada. I'd have to stock up on pills, enough to last the rest of the war. If Rassmussen awoke to find I had done something so questionable, he might revert to the untamed monster he sometimes hints he can become.
Canada is still the place to go, isn't it?