Can everyone see me?" Lockhart called. "Can you all hear me? Excellent!
"Now, Professor Dumbledore has granted me permission to start this little dueling club, to train you all in case you ever need to defend yourselves as I myself have done on countless occasions...."
Harry sneered. "The man is senile."
"Which one?" Fred whispered, smirking.
"Dumbledore-" began George.
"-or Lockhart?" Fred finished.
"Either one."
"...my assistant, Professor Snape," Lockhart beamed. Harry almost cackled at the revolted look on Snape's face at the word 'assistant.' "He tells me he knows a tiny bit about dueling himself and has sportingly agreed to help me with a short demonstration before we begin. Now, I don't want any of you youngsters to worry ⎯ you'll still have your Potions Master when I'm through with him, never fear!"
"The idiot should be more worried about himself," Harry snorted. Draco and the twins snickered, and Neville smiled weakly.
Lockhart and Snape turned to each other and bowed ⎯ well, Lockhart did, in an extremely theatrical way, while Snape just jerked his head, causing more snickers from his Slytherins. Then they both raised their wands.
"As you can see," Lockhart said brightly, "we are holding our wands in the accepted combative position. On the count of three, we will cast our first spells. Neither of us will be aiming to kill, of course."
"I wouldn't bet on that," Draco smirked. Snape was giving Lockhart a look full of loathing.
"One ⎯ two ⎯ three-"
Before Lockhrat could even raise his wand, Snape bellowed, "Expelliarmus!" The Defense professor went flying off the stage. Instantly, all the Slytherins burst into applause. The twins cheered in glee, causing a fond smirk from Snape.
"Do you think he's all right?" Granger squeaked.
"Who cares?" Weasley demanded.
Lockhart staggered to his feet, blinking. "Well, there you have it!" he said dazedly, stumbling back onto the platform. "That was a Disarming Charm ⎯ as you can see, I've lost my wand ⎯ ah, thank you, Miss Brown ⎯ yes, an excellent idea to show them that, Professor Snape, but if you don't mind me saying so, it was very obvious what you were about to do. If I had wanted to stop you it would have only been too easy ⎯ however, I felt it would be instructive to let them see-" he balked at Snape's livid look and squeaked, "Enough demonstrating! I'm going to come amongst you now and put you all into pairs. Professor Snape, if you'd like to help me-"
Harry smirked as Snape reached Granger and Weasley first.
"Time to split up the dream team, I think," Snape purred. "Granger, you can partner Miss Bulstrode. Weasley-"
Weasley instantly moved towards Dean, who gave him a disgusted look.
"I don't think so," Snape said coldly. "Mr. Potter, come over here. Let's see what you can make of Weasley. Thomas, with Finnigan."
Harry walked over, smiling darkly, followed by Millicent, who only grunted when Granger gave her a weak smile. Weasley blanched when he saw Harry's malicious look.
"Face your partners!" Lockhart called. Harry grinned savagely when Weasley stumbled in doing so. "And bow!"
Harry dipped his head while Weasley just twitched once.
"Wands at the ready!" Lockhart said. "When I count to three, cast your charms to disarm your opponents ⎯ only to disarm them ⎯ we don't want any accidents ⎯ one... two... three-"
"Expelliarmus," Harry said boredly, causing Weasley's wand to fly out of his hand.
Weasley looked outraged. Oh, here we go, Harry thought amusedly, waiting for the idiot to say something anti-Slytherin.
"How did you do that so quickly? You must have cheated! You are a Slytherin," he added darkly.
Harry rolled his eyes. "Believe what you like, Weasel. I only cheat to save my own life."
"Liar!" Weasley shouted angrily, and, like his father, forgot he was a wizard, rushing at Harry with fists clenched.
"Petrificus Totalus!" Harry barked, and Weasley's limbs shot together. The red-headed idiot fell over with a loud thump.
"I said disarm only!" Lockhart yelped. Harry glanced around; Millicent had Granger in a headlock, Seamus was coughing smoke while Dean, pale-faced, tried to clear the other boy's lungs, Neville and Finch-Fletchley were on the floor, choking, and Ernie seemed to have sprouted antlers. (That last one had nothing to do with Fred, nothing at all.)
"Finite Incantatem!" Snape yelled. Instantly, the antlers disappeared (Fred and George scowled) Weasley's limbs sprang apart, and Neville, Seamus, and Finch-Fletchley were gasping for breath while Dean looked utterly relieved.
"Millicent, my dear, let go of Granger," Harry said lazily. "We don't want Professor Snape to deal with the paperwork for her suffocation, do we?"
Millicent instantly released Granger, who collapsed on the floor, gasping. Weasley cast Harry a look of loathing and ran over to her.
"I think I'd better teach you how to block unfriendly spells," Lockhart mused. He glanced at Snape, blanched at the professor's deadly smirk, and said quickly, "Let's have a volunteer pair ⎯ Longbottom and Finch-Fletchley, how about you-"
"They haven't quite caught their breaths yet, Lockhart," Snape said coldly. "How about Weasley and Mr. Potter?" His smile became twisted, and Harry grinned.
"Excellent idea!" Lockhart said brightly. He gestured for Harry and Weasley to come up onto the stage.
"Which Weasley-" began Fred.
"-are you referring to-" said George.
"-Professor?" Fred finished.
"Your younger brother," Snape said in fond exasperation. The Gryffindors stared at him.
Harry chuckled at his Demon twins and stalked up to the platform, Weasley following. Harry stopped beside Snape while the red-head went over to Lockhart.
"Now, Mr. Weasley," Lockhart said. "When H- Mr. Potter," he added quickly at Harry's cold look, "points his want at you, you do this." He wriggled his wand in an odd manner and dropped his wand. "Whoops ⎯ my wand is a little overexcited-"
Snape leaned down and whispered, "I'm surprised he doesn't lose his head." Harry snickered. "You know what you're going to do?"
"Of course," Harry purred.
"Professor," Weasley said anxiously, "can you show me that blocking thing again?"
"Just do what I did, Mr. Weasley," Lockhart said brightly.
"What, drop my wand?" Weasley demanded, but Lockhart wasn't paying attention.
"Three ⎯ two ⎯ one ⎯ go!"
"Petrificus Crura!" Harry chanted, and Weasley's legs snapped together. He fell over sideways, stopping his fall with his hands.
"You'll pay for that, Potter!" Weasley snarled, raising his wand.
"Serpentsortia!"
Harry heard a whispered spell somewhere behind him. Snape seemed to have heard it, too, because he looked around. The next moment, a huge, jet-black anaconda shot onto the stage, hissing angrily.
"Don't move, Weasley," Snape said, raising his wand, "I'll get rid of it...."
"Allow me!" Lockhart shouted, causing Harry to flinch at the noise. He flicked his wand at the snake, and with a bang, the snake shot into the air and landed with a loud smack. Furious, it began sliding towards Finch-Fletchley.
"Stop!" Harry shouted. He was aware that he sounded slightly hissy, but he ignored this.
The snake halted and turned to Harry, startled. You are a speaker? it asked.
"Speaker of what?" Harry asked. "And how the heck can I understand you?"
You are a Parselmouth, young master, the anaconda replied.
"Come," Harry ordered. "Away from the boy." The snake slithered over to him and curled by his feet. Harry turned to Finch-Fletchey, who was looking horrified, and said, "Are you all right, Finch-Fletchley?"
The boy opened and shut his mouth wordlessly for a moment.
"What do you think you're playing at, Potter?" Weasley yelled.
"Weasley, how many times have I told you my ears are sensitive?" Harry snapped quietly. The snake at his feet hissed angrily, causing Weasley to jump backward. "And do you really think I'd be stupid enough to attack Finch-Fletchley in front of two teachers, however incompetent one of them is?"
Lockhart spluttered indignantly, causing Snape to snort quietly.
"You told the snake to attack Justin!"
"If he had, I would be dead, Weasley," Finch-Fletchley snapped back. "Thanks, Potter," he added. Harry nodded back.
"I assume you want to keep it, Potter?" Snape drawled.
"Hmm." Harry looked down at the snake thoughtfully. "I would, but I doubt the headmaster would agree."
"I will send it home to your caretakers," Snape responded.
"The Muggles?" Weasley asked in confusion.
"No," Harry sneered. "Remus and Sirius Lupin-Black." He crouched down by the snake, ignoring the sudden whispers. "This man-" he gestured to Snape "-is going to take you to my uncles. You might be going through the fireplace, so don't freak out and attack my favorite teacher."
Yes, master, the anaconda responded.
"Your name is Obsidian," Harry decided as he picked up the snake. "Here, Professor."