Mabibilis ang galaw ng kamay ko sa ibabaw ng teklado ng piano. Sumasabay ang bawat pagbitiw ng nota sa sakunang ilang taon nang namamahay sa loob ko. Pumapailanlang sa ere ang mabigat at mabilis na musika. Pumikit ako at itinaas ang mukha habang ang mga daliri ay patuloy sa paghahabulan.
I'm sorry.
Umaalingawngaw sa isip ko ang mga sinabi ng donya kanina.
Bakit ba ang hilig nilang magsabi ng sorry na para bang mabubura ng salitang iyon ang lahat ng pait at sakit na pinagdaanan ko sa kanila.
Sorry? Her sorry doesn't even make me feel a bit alright. It just made me feel worse because their apologies only prove how I let them trampled all over me.
It reminded me of my losses, of how I just yielded onto them without a fight. I just resigned to my fucking fate wholeheartedly and didn't even put up a fight. Tinanggap ko lang ang lahat ng iyon ng walang reklamo.
Ni hindi ako lumaban kahit kaunti. If only I'm stronger enough then they wouldn't have done that to me which is why I will never understand how they can easily spurt out the word as if they mean it.
How can they be sorry if they killed a person? Sorry is supposed to be said if you've accidentally spilled someone's a tea of a coffee, or you had forgotten about an occasion. Sorry is such a shallow word to tell it to a face of someone you just killed.
But I guess I have to live with that sorry now. Tapos na ako rito. Ayoko na. Pagod na ako. I didn't know how tired I am until yesterday.
This is it. I've done my part.
I lifted my hand in the air and sank it back down again to play the last of the notes. Humihingal na nagmulat ako ng luhaang mga mata at tumitig sa kabuuan ng mansiyon na iiwan ko na.
Nakarinig ako nang mabibigat na paghinga sa likod ko kasunod ang tunog ng binubuksan na bote ng alak. I didn't have to turn my back to know it's Cholo but I still did anyway. I wanted to see him as often as I can today.
Nagtagpo ang mga mata namin. Madilim ang buong mukha nito. Magkasalubong ang mga kilay nito, tiim ang bibig habang dinadala sa bibig ang baso.
"So it's Veronika Alcantara now?" malamig na simula nito.
His words cut my heart into pieces.
Ibinaba ko ang takip ng piano at iniikot ang sarili sa inuupuan na stool para harapin ang asawa.
"No, I'm still Karina Gastrell, Cholo. Your wife."
"My wife?" he laughed sarcastically. "My wife... That sounds strange to my ears now."
"Does it?" mahina kong saad. "Why? Hindi mo na ba ako gustong maging asawa? You didn't love me anymore?"
"Bullshit!" sigaw nito sabay hagis ng baso sa pader. Tinitigan ko lang ang mga bubog at likido sa sahig at dingding.
"How could you do this to me, Karina?" puno ng sakit ang mga mata na tanong nito sa akin nang balingan niya ako. "Pinagtanggol kita sa lahat. Itinaya ko ang pangalan at reputasyon ko para protektahan ka tapos malalaman ko ngayon na ikaw pala talaga ang tunay na pasimuno ng lahat ng ito? What have I done to you to do this all to me?"
Tumayo ako at umupo sa sofa. "Relax, Cholo. Calm it down."
"Calm down?! You're asking me to calm down?! How can I calm down when my wife whom I love so much and would give her everything in the world had just betrayed me?! And I didn't see any remorse in your eyes, Karina. Paano ako kakalma kung nakumpirma kong iniiputan mo lang pala ako sa ulo?! Ginawa mo akong tanga! Inulol mo ako sa kamandag mo para makuha mo sa akin ang gusto mo at ang gusto ng buong angkan mo! Is that why you came back to me? To seduce me and use your body for you to take the project? Dinaan mo ako sa drama mo at ako namang si tanga ay tinanggap ka ng bukas-palad. Does it make you happy to make a fool out of me, wife?"
Huminga ako nang malalim at tiningala si Cholo na pulang-pula ang mukha dahil sa galit.
"Are you done? I can give you another time if you're still not finished," ani ko habang nakatitig dito.
Naggalawan ang mga litid sa leeg nito bago nito inisang-hakbang ang pagitan namin at mariin akong hinawakan sa magkabilang-balikat. He pushed me into the sofa while gritting his teeth in anger. I did not put any resistance. I just let him do what he wanted with me.
"Alam mo ba'ng ginawa mo? You just pushed Elizabeth to the brink. I'm afraid she'll be confined again to the mental asylum, Karina. Years of therapy are going to waste because of you. Karina, what have you become? Bakit ba ang dali sa iyo na saktan ang ibang tao? Ano ba ang makukuha mo diyan?"
Ngumisi ako sa narinig at nagbunyi. "Oh that was nice! I'm happy I have succeeded! The plan all along is to make her crazy and now that you told me that she's losing back her sanity, masasabi kong tapos na ako sa misyon ko. I didn't kill anyone, didn't have to stain my hand with blood but I got my revenge. Isipin mo iyon, ang kasalukuyang kalagayan ni Elizabeth ang palaging magpapaalala sa mga Asturia at kay Ymir sa mga ginawa nila sa akin. All day, they will be reminded of my wrath through the suffering of their precious princess! They will never ever forget my name for killing them as slowly and as painfully as I have wanted them to be! Sure, they'll curse my name, defile it in their ways but they'll never run from own wicked fangs. Serve them right, right?"
Cholo looked at me dead in the eyes as if he didn't know me at all.
That's right, Cholo. Stare at me with those judging eyes.
"Why? Why do you have to do this?" tanong nito sa hirap na hirap na boses, nagbabadya na ang mga luha sa mga mata nito. "I already confessed to you, you remember? The first time you left me was hell for me, Karina. I was useless that time. It's the first time I feel so worthless for not making you stay but... but why are you breaking me again as if I don't mean nothing to you? Why? Do you hate me that much because I had a relationship with her? That was all in the past before you came back. But why didn't you include my face in that video scandal? What's it really that you want to do, Karina?!"
"You're not listening," tipid na sagot ko.
"I am listening to you! Always! I listened to you every time you're crying outside every night when you thought no one can hear you. I always listen to your heartbeat every time you thought I'm asleep, to your bitter laughs and sad voices that you're trying to hide from me. Karina, can't you see that I'm here for you, always willing to listen to you because I love you."
"I love you too," anas ko rito at hinayaang tumulo na ang mga luha. "But I also love my family who has perished in the hands of your friends, Cholo. You feel so useless then, well, I feel so fucking useless too back then until now. Nasaksihan ko mismo ang pagbaril nila sa kapatid ko sa harap ko." Nanginig na ang boses ko sa puntong iyon. "Alam mo ba iyong pakiramdam na hinahalukay ang loob mo sa galit pero wala kang magawa dahil mahirap ka lang? Na dahil maliit akong tao ay wala akong kakayahan na bigyan sila ng hustisya? Do you know how fucking painful it is to see you brother's blood spilt all over you while you're wishing against the damn fate to let him live because I can't fucking imagine burying him together with my dead father in the same day?!" bulyaw ko rito.
"W-What are you saying?" he whispered, his hands in my shoulders slowly sliding down back to his sides. Biglang nawala ang galit sa mukha nito at pumalit ang kalituhan.
"I thought you're listening? Can't you figure it all out yet?" bulong ko sabay tulak dito palayo para makatayo ako.
Pinulot ko ang bote ng alak nito sa sahig at lumagok mula rito. And then I spun back around to see my husband in a state of complete shock and distress.
"You left Cerro Roca... You left me to be with another man," he mumbled while looking down at the floor.
I gasped in disbelief and laughed. "That's what Ymir wanted you to believe at which you gladly accepted. I didn't leave you just because I want to! I was forced to! God knows how much I wanted to be with you! I love you! You are my first love, my first in everything! He threatened me and my family. Yes, I initially agreed but I backed out the last second so he kidnapped me and shipped me off to an unknown place. And as if it's not enough, pinabayaan niya ang ama ko na mamatay sa ospital at pinatay ang kapatid ko!"
Rumehistro ang gulat sa mukha nito kasabay nang pagbuka ng bibig nito para magbitiw ng salita pero wala itong nasabi. He just stood there, shocked, and can't even say a word.
"He... he killed your family?" he finally said and took a step to me.
I took a step back and shook my head.
"Stop. Don't come any closer..Don't touch me. I have to let this all out once and for all."
Tumigil ito sa paghakbang at huminga nang malalim. Umupo naman ako ulit sa stool at uminom sa bote. Marahas kong pinunasan ang mukha na balot ng luha.
"Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin 'to?" he said in his lowest voice, close to a whisper, just enough for me to hear. Umupo ito sa sofa at tinitigan ako. Bumalik na sa dating mahinahon ang awra nito at tanging awa at malasakit ang naiwan sa mga mata nito.
"I could have protected you. I can't imagine how you're feeling at that particular moment. Bakit hindi ka lumapit sa akin? No matter the consequences are, you know I will still have you and accept you."
"I did. Bumalik ako sa iyo sa Cerro Roca but you just ignored me. I saw you kissing Elizabeth outside and man, para akong sinaksak ng mga sandaling iyon." I breathed long and hard to keep myself from breaking down. "Nakiusap ako na makausap ka pero ang sabi nila ayaw mo raw akong harapin. But of course naghintay pa rin ako. I trusted you. You said you'll be there for me so I held on to your promise. Pero wala eh. Binalewala mo pa rin ako. You just looked at me as if you don't know me at all. Tell me, Cholo. Ganoon ba talaga kaliit ang tingin mo sa akin para maniwala ka na umalis ako at sumama sa ibang lalake? Hindi man lang ba talaga sumagi sa isip mo na baka kung ano na ang nangyari sa akin?
Na baka hindi ko naman talaga ginawa iyon?"
Mariin itong umiling. "I didn't know... I didn't know, Karina. And I don't recall ever seeing you in the house. No one told me about you. God, if only I knew sooner then I would have searched the whole world for you. After you disappeared, I personally looked for you but all I got is that footage where you are leaving the Cerro Roca with a man. I was devastated. I am in self-destructive state at that time so I agreed to Ymir into entertaining Elizabeth after she got out of the mental institution. Mali iyon, alam ko. Napakamali. And I was an idiot for believing it right away, for not seeking the truth and for not uncovering that I have been played at, that we have been played at."
Ramdam ko naman na nagsasabi siya ng totoo. Maybe he really didn't see me that afternoon.
"Okay, Cholo. I believe you. But that particular dent in our fate caused the biggest misfortune in my life. Ilang beses kong hiniling na sana ay nakausap man lang kita ng araw na iyon. Ilang taon ko ring sinisi ang sarili kung bakit pinairal ko pa ang kahihiyan ko. Dapat bumalik ako kinabukasan sa bahay niyo. Dapat sinundan kita at pinilit na kausapin ka kasi... kasi baka kung ginawa ko iyon ay hindi namatay si E-Errol. Baka kung ginawa ko iyon ay buhay pa ang anak natin, Cholo."
There, I said it. Finally.