"I love you bee, you're great at giving advices!" she engulfed me into a hug, the material of his hoodie pressing against my nose had my eyes shutting. It felt like there wasn't enough oxygen for me even if there was plenty, breathing in Jack's scent again was like losing all of the sanity I had and all of the strength I had in me slowly disappearing into whispers of air and mist around me. Right when I had thought I was finally okay and moving towards my plan, this happened.
I could feel myself slipping a little more with every second, wondering how long I could hold on, it was all too much for me, Jack always made me vulnerable yet so strong but he wasn't here, just his memories and as of now his uninvited scent. It was like seeing myself die slowly from another person's view, like I was out of my body and could see what was happening.
The strong me was decaying for the first time since that day. I wanted to pull away and run as far as I could, but I couldn't, not when the happiness was slightly more than the pain in such a long time. It felt like home, It felt and smelt like love.
Love, huh?
Too complicated, a dangerous mix of pain and happiness but most of the times it's the wrong amount of both and so I wanted to let go. I wanted to let go of both of them, of these tears that hollow me up and filled my eyes but before I could tell her I wasn't fine, it poured.With thunder, the rain tumbled down upon the two of us, I pulled away quickly, pat her head giving her a small smile and wished her luck.
After all, she used to be family, she could still be called an acquaintance. In her eyes, I think of her as family as I always have, I would've still continued to do so but she made me ask myself that one question, I never really wanted, but it was needed. Was she really worth it?
"One more thing Jullian, do you really have to wear that hoodie?"
She looked up at me a little guilty, opened her sealed lips a little and then put her head back down with a sour expression. That's what I thought.
Why was she doing this to me? Why are you forcing that side of me to come out, Jullian? The one I don't want you to see. Not yet. I scoffed a little and shut my eyes close in hopes of preventing myself from saying something I don't plan on.
Again, not yet. All in good time.
"Take it off and don't wear it front of me again unless you want me to rip it off of you, I can't deal with these memories anymore. Give me a break."
-
I ran out the park behind my house and headed straight for the 7/11 by the crossing. I needed food so I rushed in and found the store comfortably warm. After wandering a little I glanced at my mum's watch on my wrist. Silver it is, her favourite colour. Her view of the world was just as beautiful as herself but that's a story for another day since my stomach was killing me.
I got a cup of spicy instant noodles and fruit beer as lunch or snacks whatever it could be called. After paying for it, I settled at one of the white-turned-to-yellow tables and looked out the window watching the small drops of rain race with each other dropping to the pane.
I realized I might have zoned out a little since I did not at all notice the guy sitting in front of me. Had to admit, he looked attractive even when his eyes were almost covered by the black hoodie he adorned. He was eating noodles, too serious to be just eating noodles. All of this aside, who the fuck was he?
"Ahem." I awkwardly cleared my throat and he raised his head up, the hood falling behind as he looked right into my eyes with a very faint smile creasing his features but I just kept looking at his eyes. He had an uneven eyelid but god those eyes were gorgeous.
He might not have expected me to start a conversation as those gorgeous orbs of his were wide and he looked puzzled. How was he so fucking beautiful?
"Hi!" he exclaimed. Now It was my turn to be confused, was he generally that loud?
"Hey, do you know m-"
"No, are you waiting for somebody? I'm sorry, I should've asked, anyway I'll go, by-"
"Its fine, just eat, I'm about to leave anyway," I said, a little irritated with this strangely beautiful but obnoxiously loud boy's behaviour. He looked at me, then down, then back up and pouted. Was it weird that I couldn't seem to look away? He was too adorable to be left here.
"What?" I ask, fake anger lacing my comeback to the boy's pout.
"Just stay, I hate eating and watching people eat alone," he replied, his tone a lot more serious and voice deeper.
"Besides, you already look gloomy enough. I'll give you a little company too." I smiled and nodded a little. His words were as sweet as jack's used to be. Jack was handsome too, silver hair, piercings, a bunch of tattoos, typical e-boy vibes. He was pretty much like jack only he had a little Asian touch to his beauty. I wish I had someone like him, at least one person I could call family again.
He was saying something, I knew he was, but I couldn't focus on his words I was too submerged into observing how many similarities he had with Jack. Weird, I always used to say that nobody compared to jack but now all I did was compare him to every guy I saw. He was still the best among them.
It was pretty funny that the only thing I didn't have was the only thing I ever wanted. I looked at the boy again, how his long earrings dangled and clashed against each other, producing little clinks, his perfectly shaped nose, jaw relaxing and clenching when he chewed, he was a messy eater. I snorted a little at the food around his lips.
Something about him was just so endearing, so attractive that I couldn't pull myself out of the spiral of memories I had fallen into. Survival was gonna be very difficult if I kept on thinking of all the miseries in my life since I'm the only one who has the power to change it.
"Erm, are you o-okay?" I snapped my eyes from his nose, lips and the three silver earrings dangling from different piercings on his ears to his eyes, immediately chucking myself back into reality. His eyes squint a little focusing into mine, a knowing look on his face, when in reality he knows nothing.
That was the thing about people in this town, they think they know you because they've seen you take the same bus everyday or drink the same coffee or attend a certain school here, but do they even really know anything?
"Yeah, what were you saying, again?" I asked smiling a little in embarrassment. I've been feeling too much recently and as a result, been zoning out a lot, but I can't afford to, I need to be alert, I need to change. I need to feel less, what good has ever come from feeling too much?
"You're crying." he stated, carefully offering me a tissue.
"Oh, I am?" I chuckled a little, accepting the tissue and wiping a single tear that rolled down my cheek with it.
"Do I remind you of somebody or are you just admiring me?" he says, a cocky smirk on his lips but I could still see a little concern in the strange boy's eyes behind the mischief.
"Both, I didn't catch your name, are you new here?" I asked trying to get past the topic of jack.
"I, uh, my name's Renoir. I'm here to meet a friend." he said, a nervous grin on his face.
I could tell he was lying though. A European name for an Asian guy, speaking fluent English, no accent whatsoever? How interesting. But I didn't push it , he was a stranger anyway, it wasn't like I was gonna meet him again.
"Okay, Thankyou, Renoir. It was very nice to meet you, but I got to go." I said standing up, fixing my tee and patting my thighs a little. Note the emphasis on his little fake name.
"Wait, you've got to tell me your name too, you know?" he yelled, giving me a grin and I found it adorable.
"Beatrice."
"Well, Beatrice, it was nice meeting you too, I hope we meet again, Bye!"
Yeah, sure. Keeping hoping boy.
"Me, too. Bye."
-