My phone started vibrating on my hand and it slipped from my hand and fell on my face . And it actually hurt me really damm bad. When i picked my phone after rubbing my nose and cheek bones a bit , i was actually disappointed to see it was a call from my boyfriend. I wanted to keep talking to Ayan but I can't neglect my boyfriend too as he was still my boyfriend.
So after a bit of hesitation , finally i decided to receive his call . I greeted him and completed all the formalities like how he was, how is he, how is his studies going on, when did he come to room from academic library, did he had food and all .....
Meanwhile Ayan was still texting so i saw his text and replied to him. As we were texting in Snapchat the camera of video call went on and off again and again .... so after third time my boyfriend asked me why am I putting off the camera.
I don't know how to answer his sudden question so i just told that a friend was texting me so I just replied him.
"Him?"
" Yes ....him."
" What is he saying?"
" Nothing much just he was explaining me about project. That's all."
He had known me for years. So i am shure he got doubt on me. But it didn't matter much not did i think about it a lot. So i asked Ayan to text me on WhatsApp because my boyfriend called me . He also agreed to it.
After sometime i asked Ayan to sleep as my boyfriend wouldn't cut the call anytime soon. He could notice my instability.
Then I bid Ayan good night and started talking to my boyfriend. I wanted to tell my boyfriend about tomorrow's plan , so that when he will know , he won't overreact.
But I rather choose not to tell him about it. I don't know why I choose not to tell him but i did. Maybe because I feel something towards Ayan or its just an illusion..... I have no idea what is going on with me right now..... Or more like I don't want to accept it. Whatever it is let , I would love to go with the flow and not restrict myself. Anyway it seems like I am thinking too much even before anything starts or I get any sign or instinct. Is it only something that I am feeling or is he feeling it too?
There were lots of questions going on in my mind. But most important question that was running on my mind was, ' Am I actually ready for it? I didn't even end what I have to end ? Even if i was really ready , what is his feelings towards me? Let's just consider that we both have same feelings for each other then how will I breakup with my boyfriend ? Will he accept me for the real me? Like how i actually am , or more like if he knows my secrets will he still feel the same or will it change? Will it matter a lot to him? Or will he understand? '
I definitely know for a fact that I need to talk to him, tell him or just say any damm thing to know my answer. But that would be a total risk. What would he think of me? Will he think of me as a desperate girl? Or should I just keep the feeling and opinions to myself? I know one thing for shure that he is definitely important to me. His opinion started mattering to me. Should I just stop and hold on ? Or should I just continue and keep it to myself? Or should I just wait for him to say? Or should I be the one to speak to him , and just accept his opinion or decision? Will everything still be same as now if he rejects?
Fuck..... that's a whole lot of thoughts. I might go crazy if i keep thinking about it. So that was a good night .