I was happy nobody was there. I was. It would have been humiliating if someone saw me half naked sucking on a man's dick on the trail we walked. What would my church friends think of me? What if they call me a whore. Because I'm not. Thank goodness nobody saw me. Well, I'm going to give him one more chance. He better not humiliate me again or I'll lie to him and break up with him. I shouldn't even be giving him a second. But it says in the Bible to forgive 70×7 times. Why am I so forgiving and kind and understanding, to people when they never show me forgiveness and kindness and understanding? Gosh, my life fucking sucks. I'll give him one more chance. Tomorrow when we go to the video store to buy movies. I must have had a nightmare because I woke up this morning hurting a lot. Back pain, knee pain, etcetera. And I was tossing and turning all night long.
Besides how bad can my second date with him be especially after what happened today?
I doubt that it can get any worse. Thank goodness nobody was there and thank goodness nobody saw me. I literally can't believe he embarrassed me like that. Oh gosh, the humiliation if someone from church saw me. Or what if Glenda saw me? Glenda is my mom's friend. The trail was in Lytle not far from Von Ormy, Texas.
The names they would call me; I can already imagine them calling me a whore, prostitute, a freak. As if I weren't enough of a freak already.
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who wears winter clothing in spring because of my near-death experience as a child. When I came back to life and saw heaven at 5 years old. I could see people's bad thoughts and the bad things that they did. So I thought wearing long sleeve winter blouses would keep me from seeing those bad things. It didn't work. Plus I also can heal people by them touching me or me touching them. All they have to do is shake my hand, high-five, or even brush against me while passing by.
So like I said it's not like I wasn't enough of a freak already. Plus I learned after a few days in the mental hospital before I met Kirk. I was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder. And I learned I have Asperger's syndrome. And I also learned I have dyslexia. I have trouble reading.
As I said I am and was enough of a freak already. I didn't want or need to feel more like a freak than I already was.
And my parents didn't deserve to have me live with them. Especially my mother. I wish they were dead. So now I'm alone and I'm going to die alone. Nobody knows about my problems. Nobody cares about me. My parents are gone forever. So there is nobody I can talk to. But that's why I'M talking to Kirk tonight. If he isn't going to kill me then someone should at least try to understand. I mean he does have feelings for me. Right? I think I love him too.
I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. At this point the scars on my face are almost gone. But that doesn' bother me anymore. But I'm still ashamed to have my scars exposed.
My skin is smooth and white. With freckles. You could easily confuse me with my sister. She is blond with big blue eyes like mine. And she's always smiling. Me though. I'm pale. Pale with dark brown hair and eyes.
Like my parents. That's just my problem right there. That's why I'm alone with no family.
But my eyes aren't beautiful like my sister's. And my smile isn't so easy to forget either. People have always told me I look like an angel. Which means I look nothing but weak. A weak woman. I wonder if I could ever find a husband that would accept a weak woman?
Then my mind goes away to another place.
I dream I am back home. In front of my house where I grew up. And my sister is standing in front of our house too. She looks different. Not like herself. And she has a weird black bag. There's something inside of it. Something very dark and evil looking. She opens her mouth wide and starts laughing. Laughing loud. Like an insane person. Then she grabs me and starts squeezing my throat. Her hands around my neck are so strong and hard. I don't know how she can squeeze my throat this tight without breaking any bones. But she squeezes until I pass out. I wake up in my bed gasping for air. Sweat running down my forehead. I take several deep breaths trying to calm myself down. The sweat and anxiety making me dizzy. I close my eyes and take three seconds to calm myself. Once I open my eyes and look at my room I feel better. But I have to remember not to scream at anything I see. It's best to stay silent and stay quiet. If anyone sees you screaming and shouting and crying they will think you are crazy. Even if you're not. I've heard that some people are crazy. I don't know if it's true or not. But I don't want to find out. I don't want to be crazy. I don't want to be alone.