I'm lying on the couch of the boat, idly watching daytime tv, and keep checking my cell for any messages from Jyeon at the council meeting. Restless, yet I don't have the energy to do much about it and hate that my own body prevented me from going there. This was my baby, and this is an essential step in proceeding with the plans for the island.
Nothing so far, complete radio silence, and I sigh dejectedly, turning on my side and pausing as another wave of nausea laps over me like warm ocean water. A prickling of heat and then cold showering every inch of my skin in a motion that's happened frequently since I woke up. I hold very still until it passes and then exhale with relief when it dies down again. My brain fixated on the endlessness of waiting here alone, even though the reality is it hasn't been long at all. Jyeon refused to leave until the last minute because he didn't want me to fend for myself, and I know he'll rush right back when he's done. Overkill in wrapping me in cotton wool and deeming me incapable.
He has to be wrong about my being pregnant, as it's been over two hours now, and I'm still feeling crud. Two or more hours of at first vomiting a lot, then preceded by low fever, nausea, dizziness, and waves of hot and cold. Surely if it were morning sickness, it would have eased by now and not be this fierce, so I'm trapped lying down for fear of emptying my stomach again. I don't remember if it was like this with Tia, but I didn't miss a workday, so it must be stomach flu.
I pick up my cell again and glare at the time. He's been up there for an hour and a half since he left here, and I hate that I'm not part of this. Instead, I am clock watching, and time seems to have frozen still instead. I feel inadequate and powerless like this, even though all today's meeting was showing the islanders the proposals, projections, and plans, and I know they won't make an instant decision. I should have been there, though, even if he intended to tell them I was sick.
He practically locked me on the boat and got crazy mad when I started getting ready to go with him earlier. A return of my icy and domineering man of the past who could crumble steel with a glare. Meeting my stubbornness and for the first time since birth, Jyeon won over it with the pure intensity of his refusal. It scared me to see him that angry and commanding, but I get it. It was emotion-fuelled. Memories of Tia swirl between us, and he thinks I might be pregnant, so he's on the double protective and acting like a correctional officer.
He made me cry. Stupidly sensitive and vulnerable because I'm unwell, possibly hormonal, and then hugged me immediately and told me he was sorry and kissed my face half to death with apologies. Right before once again forcing me to lie down and promise I wouldn't move an inch until he got back. He was deadly serious about my not moving from this spot. I have a tray of drinks and snacks beside me. A basin to throw up in, a blanket, a hot water bottle, and the remotes for every electrical gadget in here all splayed out like an offering to the gods.
I turn and toss on my narrow plush bed and ignore the droning of some Korean drama on the screen where the leading lady just found out the cold and aloof CEO is madly in love with her after eleven episodes of acting like a giant asshole, and I snort-laugh. Sometimes life does mimic fiction, and it's a little amusing. I could see my beloved as a star in one of these cliché shows. It distracts me from my frustration for a second, though.
"Baby? Where you at?" Jyeon's voice rings down from the above-board as he enters the upper door to come down, and I finally can breathe and get the low down on what happened there. Desperate for an update and wondering if he is aware he owns a cell phone. He certainly seems never to use it anymore.
"I'm here… hurry up…. I'm dying down here while being left home and unable to do what I was meant to." I accuse as he swiftly makes his way in and appears at the lounge door, grinning at me like a cheeky bastard. "How was the meeting?"
"How you feeling? Did you throw up anymore? Are you still hot? Do you need anything?" Like a clucking mother goose, he's on me in a second, ignoring my questions. Palm to my forehead to check if I'm burning up, tucking my blanket over me even though I kicked it off and fussing with me while examining me with his eyes. He's overbearing and not focused on where he's just been and intent on seeing I am okay. I can't be agitated when his love for me is at its heart, and it helps simmer my uptightness.
"Apart from feeling sick and lightheaded, I've been fine, and I didn't move for fear of the wrath of Jyeon park. No more vomiting. I managed to drink a bottle of water, though, and nibble some crackers." I nod towards the evidence of my ability to consume food and water, hoping it relaxes him. He was adamant when he left that I needed fluids and something to line my stomach should I keep being sick.
"Okay… I got this from the pharmacy on the way back, which probably means a rumor is already circling this town." Jyeon sits down on the edge of the couch, where my pelvis is, and slides a hand into his internal jacket pocket to pull out a long narrow white box. My heart sinks when I spy what it is, yet the villagers gossiping is the least of my concerns. It's the moment of truth and no more speculation.
He holds sit out between us, and I inhale heavily with sudden nerves at seeing a very obvious pregnancy test. Not the first we have even bought and done together. A little déjà vu, only, this time, Jyeon is the one bringing it home and being supportive, whereas last time, I bought it myself and had to ask him to come to sit with me while I checked the results. Neither of us was overly thrilled at first, and it feels like a lifetime ago.
I have been trying not to fixate on it for the last few hours, but it's been there like a swirling heavy cloud of fear, and I'm doing my best to have no emotional reaction. I keep telling myself to feel and do nothing until we know for sure, and then I can process it. This is how I deal with everything in life. Calm and contained and holding my breath until I have facts…well, sometimes.
"Sooner, the better. So we know. No point in delaying this, Sol. It's better to put our mind at ease or …. " Jyeon raises a brow and nudges me gently with his hip.
"I know, okay. I Know." I cut him off, knowing what he was going to say. This is a huge deal. I need a minute to steel myself and find the courage.
"Want me to carry you to the bathroom? Can you stand? Should I pick you up princess style?" He smiles, cheekiness coming out and only jesting about my inability to get there alone, and I bat him with my hand.
"No. Although…. You might need to walk with me; I'm pretty dizzy when upright." I point out, and his smile fades to a furrowed brow of concern. Hating seeing me poorly.
"If this isn't pregnancy, then the next port of call is the island hospital…. That probably should be the next trip regardless." He adds in afterthought, and I roll my eyes.
"Jyeon, if I am pregnant, there's no point going up there and wasting Doc's time. It's normal to be sick, dizzy, and feeling shit in the first weeks. We can call and make a midwife appointment to…." I trail off, words dying on my lips, realizing how much I sound like him in my prepping and planning for a baby I'm not even convinced I am having.
When did this happen? This mental shift and easier acceptance that this might be real? When did a part of me accept it was a possibility and become okay with it instead of freaking the fuck out like I was earlier?
"Okay. I'll let you lead. Right now, though….up, come on." Jyeon leans over, slides his arms behind me, and helps me sit upright slowly to avoid the dizziness; with his help, I slide off the couch and into his arms to a standing position that makes me sway for a second. I need a moment to acclimatize and let the worst of the dizziness settle before he walks me in the direction of the bathroom. He watches me, sensing I need a few seconds, and holds me secure so I can't sag even an inch. Vision spotting and wooziness make me cling on for dear life.
He holds me close, supporting me, and eyes burn into my profile, but all I can focus on is not being sick in the short walk and wondering how something like this comes on so dramatically. I mean, I have felt tired and a little under the weather of late, but nothing like this until this morning. I'm not sure if that's normal. Surely it should be a slow, gradual thing and not instant violent sickness out of the blue one sunny day. I might genuinely have heatstroke from our mini honeymoon, and this is pointless.
"You want me to come in and help?" Jyeon eyes me up with seriousness as we get in the bathroom door, and I screw my face up at him.
"No. It's one thing to do naked things with you in bed or shower together…. it's another thing entirely to have you help me pee on a stick. I am not ready for that kind of honesty between us."I point out with minor disgust, one hundred percent not on board with him watching me do that.
My nerves are a mess, and my stomach is tying itself in knots right now, and I feel like having him in the bathroom will only make me so much worse. I need space to do it alone and the few minutes of waiting to pull myself together because I may have an almighty freak out otherwise. My brain is a total mess.
"I'm your husband… of all people…."
"Nope." I cut him off, sliding out of his arms and turning in the door, putting a palm flat on his chest before pushing him back. Being stubborn and raising a brow at him to show him I mean business, and he can't talk me around this one request.
"I'll hand it out to you when it's done, and you can babysit it for the sixty seconds of torture."
He nods, looking for the first time since this morning a little pale and sheepish, and steps back further to let me close the door without complaint. I didn't even ask him again about how the board members reacted to the OLO proposal because somehow, this is a way more important detail to get out of the way first. Nothing can progress with this hanging in the air.
I quickly unpack the box's contents, having done this once before in my life. Hands trembling now I am here and doing this, and I swiftly go through the motions of what's needed before clipping the lid back on and pulling my clothes to rights. A fast and efficient method of no mess and not hanging around because speed will be the only way to an immediate answer.
I stare at the enclosed stick for a few seconds before pulling myself back together and standing up to flush the toilet and wash my hands. Not as dizzy as before, and I wonder if maybe walking around is the key to feeling better faster.
"You okay in there?" Jyeon taps lightly on the door, pulling me out of my zoning out, and he sounds tense too. I know this means a lot to both of us in different ways, and I can't deny the spiraling fear in my belly about the possibility this might be a pregnancy.
"Hmmm. I'm coming." I give myself one last neaten up at my reflection. Looking pale and dark-eyed, with a definite air of sick about me. All the light and glow are absent from my face, and my hair is flat and dull from lying down for hours. I grip the test tightly and let myself out to my awaiting man standing stiffly in the doorway like a guard.
"Here. Set a timer for one minute or start counting." I hand it off to him and slide past to head back to the lounge, flinching when he catches me by the waist to help me go back through even though I'm not as light-headed from being upright a while. My nerves are taut, and my emotions are muddled.
"This might be the longest minute of my life." He jokes softly, his voice warm and gentle, and he helps me walk the short distance before helping me sit down and arranging the furry blanket back over my lap as though I am an invalid. He lays the test on the coffee table and inhales heavily and dramatically.
"Jyeon… I'm scared." It comes out involuntarily as I stare at that ominous white thing on the table, and my fears get the better of me. "What if…?"
My eyes well up, and my memory crams full of the moment we found out we were having Tia years ago. She wasn't planned; we were just careless and didn't care if we got pregnant back then, as an heir was part of the expected. This is all different. We weren't actively trying, and a baby was the last thing on my mind.
"Me too." He slides his arm around me and hugs me in against him so he can elan his chin on my head and softly runs his fingers through my hair. "We'll be okay. It won't be like before. I'll take care of you, baby. I'll make sure you are pampered and protected and that nothing goes wrong. There's no reason to be afraid of this."
Nausea rises. My insides tighten with anxiety, and I try to distract myself. Jyeon seems convinced that I'm pregnant even without the test, and he can't hide it. Maybe it's because of that my mind is swirling to the possibility, too, but I'm afraid of that outcome. Grasping at other details to put my mind's focus on something else. It's the only method I have when running away from what I deem scary.
"OLO… The proposal?" I ask absentmindedly, and Jyeon glances down at me.
"They asked for a week to talk it out and decide. So, right now, it's a waiting game. OLO and the island can wait. This here is our focus ….."
"Did they even seem keen?" I lift my chin to him, only half invested in caring about it while my head's a mess.
"Yeah, totally. You did good. Your proposal, as always, was perfection, you haven't lost your touch, and only a fool would turn down the kind of offer you planned out. Don't worry about it. We got this."
"Was Greta there? Was she okay with it all? Did you tell her why I wasn't there?" I know I'm nervously delaying the obvious and trying to put my scattered thoughts on something else while my body is washing cold with anxiety. I'm visibly trembling, so much so that Jyeon takes my hand in his and squeezes it. Sensing I need reassurance. Calming me with his touch and solid support.
"All good. She was making you chicken soup as soon as she left the hall and said she'll come down soon to administer some nurse care. I didn't tell her yet that we might…." He trails off, looks down at the test, and then sighs again. His body is slightly stiffer than usual. He eyes it up, and I catch the mental calculation that it's probably been a while. My stomach flips inside me, and my heart skips a beat.
"It's probably been a minute, baby. We should look."
My whole body prickles and I freeze up, stiffening my limbs as something tight chokes my heart and stomach. Nodding like a manic and gripping his hand so tightly, I white knuckle my fingers.
"You do it. I can't." My eyes swim with sudden emotion, and I swallow hard as I'm clawed with this heavy agonizing terror and have to start blowing out air to stop myself from bursting into tears. So tense, I'm rigid. I am terrified of what the tiny piece of plastic can tell me that might change my entire life in one second.
"It's going to be okay." Jyeon kisses me on the temple before releasing me from his hold to scoop forward and pick it up with smooth, fluid speed. He grips it in his hand, first covering the whole thing with a firm grasp as he looks for courage by glancing at my pensive expression. We both swallow hard in unison, and his eyes avert back to the task that's literally in his palm.
He slowly uncurls his fist and flips it to show the result screen, but I cannot look down at all and stare at him, biting my lip and holding my breath. He gazes at it for a long, silent, blank moment as I focus on the eerie quiet and nothing else and cannot get a single reading from it. Right now, I hate that he has this mask of non-reaction.
"Babe...." He lets out a nervous breath that's almost a snort, his face softening and brows furrowing slightly while dimples begin to emerge with hints of a smile. Slowly faces it my way to encourage me to look at it.
"We're having a baby."