"So, you wanted to take a walk?" Yoonah eyes me cautiously as we head down the patio steps to the rose garden, and I slide my arm in his and tug him against my side. His body is warm and strong, yet he feels a little taller than memory serves. I'm still sensing his hesitation around me even after a two-hour lunch filled with laughter.
"I think we needed to clear the air and talk a little, don't you?" I nudge against him, trying to bring him out of himself because I can feel how he's being guarded. Jyeon agreed I needed my time alone to talk this out without interference and suggested a stroll.
"Jyeon told me, you know….. everything. The amnesia, well, the fake amnesia…. The island. What happened with Claire these past weeks and the general shit you two have going on. Guess I am still out of the loop, just like before." His tone is deflated and a little tense.
"He did, huh? It's not like him to be so chatty and share with you. That must have been a first in what? A decade… longer?" I watch his profile as we meander slowly down the grassy path towards mother's favorite part of the garden, where the koi pond lives. Trying to read his mood and thoughts, he's so much better at being unreadable than he ever was. He's admiring the beautiful blooms framing our walkaway, concealing us from the rest of our colossal landscaping.
"Yeah. I'm not someone he ever used to have real talks with. He always treated me like a little kid he needed to look after, but never as someone he trusted."
"I think it worked both ways. You never treated him as a big brother but more of a jail warden, and he was the last person you told your troubles to. It was always me." I guess that's partially the reason Yoonah was so dependent on me within our small family. I was the only one who saw him as more than a child and listened to him when he needed a friend. We spent a lot of time back then, just the two of us.
"I guess."
"Are you two going to try and build something deeper…. Let the past go?" I probe, feeling him out and not getting an accurate good read on his genuine emotions. He's mastered the art of caginess. So like Jyeon at times.
"He wants to try and change things, yeah….. he told me he loves me, which was weird. I don't think Jyeon has ever said anything nice to me in my entire life, let alone that he loves me. I honestly never thought he liked me at all." Yoonah turns his face away, so I don't see his struggle to maintain composure. The flicker of his brow and tightening jaw, like Jyeon's, tells me he's struggling with a war of feelings. Maybe tears. The first hint that talking with Jyeon probably meant more than I imagined and broke the barrier he's built most of his life. Under the sulky façade was always a kid who idolized his older sibling and longed for his attention. It's where so much of his resentment pooled from.
"I have always known how much he loves you; you goose ball. Jyeon has done so many things to protect and shelter you. It's the main reason you never had any pressure or heavy responsibility when Jyeon and I took the helm. It was always supposed to be the three of us, but Jyeon wanted you to have your childhood, to be carefree when he knew he couldn't. It's why he waited until you hit your twenties before giving you a minor position at OLO. It was always about letting you make choices and have freedoms we never had."
I can't believe Yoonah has never analyzed it that way before. To me, I always saw the care and effort Jyeon took to make sure Yoonie was left alone to mature in his own way and not give up his youth like we had to. He's always over bubble-wrapped him, and it's probably why Yoonah sucks at dealing with anything by himself. Jyeon was his father figure, but he never had a good example of how to be it.
"I see that now. We had a good talk about everything…. About you too. About how much he loves you and realized when he lost you that half his soul was missing. He said he will spend his life making it up to you and becoming worthy of your love."
I squeeze his arm tightly, unsure how to respond to it because I know it was probably hard for him to digest, given our complicated relationship. He always hated Jyeon getting to be with me, and I wonder if he will feel differently now that Jyeon has U turned in his emotions over me.
"I believe him. I think Jyeon regrets so much as I do. I think we can all grow from this and be different people."
"You know the car thing was…." Yoonah falters, his words trailing, and he swallows hard, his body tensing. Bringing up the topic I know he was unsure about broaching, given my reaction to it when I found out.
"I know…. I'm sorry I flipped at you. I'm sorry for the things I said and the way I reacted. It was a shock, but…..I know you. You only did what I was going to do to his car when I took it. We had the same plan; only yours was probably a little smarter than me driving about and wrecking it. I think if it had sat longer and leaked all its fluids, Jyeon wouldn't have gotten it started later. It was all a fluke."
"I never wanted to hurt either of you. I got so drunk, and it seemed like the best way to show him how angry I was at him. I knew he treated that car better than his wife, even though you gave it to him." Yoonah's voice breaks, a tiny leakage of moisture from his eye he dabs away, and his face flushes with the effort of keeping himself in check. There's still guilt lingering, and I hope, in time, it will pass.
"I think maybe fate intervened. …. When you think about it, that night changed everything for us. We lived with our heads in the sand and ignored our problems. None of us were happy, not even Mother. I feel like the past two years gave us a lot of space to grow and discover some truths. Appreciate things we took for granted."
Yoonah nods and takes a long moment to think. Silenced and staring straight ahead.
"You changed, but yet you didn't. You're still you, but the lonely and closed-off parts are open again. It feels like Sohla came home again; the Sohla I grew up with." He throws me a coy half-smile, and I agree.
"You haven't changed all that much either, neither has Jyeon. I think the basic people we were before life imploded; we found our way back. We cleared away the smog that was controlling our sadness."
They say people never really change, and to an extent, that's true. Yet none of us had a significant transformation. It's more of a change in how we see things and feel about things. Letting go of unhealthy behaviors and learning to communicate for the first time with one another, showing our love honestly. None of us were terrible people. We just got so caught up in our heads, hurt feelings, and stopped thinking beyond our own misery.
"Do you think my brother and I can work this out?" Yoonah sighs as though he is in two minds about whether we can all move forward.
"Yes. If Jyeon and I can, then you can too." I rub his shoulder with my free hand and pull him left as we end the trail of roses and head towards the center. Running out of the garden as the greenhouse ahead looms over us.
"There's something... I need to say." He hesitates. I feel the tremor of a flinch run through him, and I try not to react, sensing this will probably be about his feelings for me. I know it's there, lingering between us, something I wish wasn't. It's a major stick between him and Jyeon and a hurdle that must be overcome.
"Go on." I encourage him.
"Jyeon told me you two are planning on going to your island for a while to work on your marriage... I think it's a good idea. It'll give me time to deal with my feelings. If I'm being honest, I don't think it will be that hard."
"Oh?" I stop dead in my tracks and turn to him in question. I am surprised by that revelation and a little offended that it implies I am easy to stop caring about. Not exactly what I was expecting to hear.
"Don't look at me like I just insulted you, Sohlly…. It's not what I mean."
"Then explain." I tease him with a smile and mock pinch his cheek as punishment. It feels like a U-turn. Not really upset but I am confused given he confessed to always loving me.
"I always knew it was you and Jyeon…. Even when things were bad, and when you came back… it was obvious it was still like that. I watched him suffer….. even though I tried to ignore it and felt like he brought it on himself and that Karma was punishing him."
I motion to the stone bench under a hanging willow tree near the pond, and he nods and follows my lead as we move to sit. This feels like the kind of conversation I should be seated for.
"I thought my love for you was romantic and enough. That I loved you more than anyone in the world and could give you what you needed, more than he could. I didn't know any different …. I was immature. I was naïve about love."
"You're saying your feelings weren't romantic at all, that maybe your dependency and love for me as a friend and caregiver confused you?" I am trying to decipher his meaning.
"I don't know. Maybe once upon a time, it was that kind of love but watching Jyeon fall apart and how differently we reacted. I realized I never truly understood how deep loving someone could go. He was always so indifferent, but then.... You broke my brother in a way that nothing else ever had. He stopped living… he became a shell." Yoonah scrubs his face with his hand and exhales, blowing out air heavily as though this is hard. "I missed you. I was wracked by guilt…. but I believed you died. I mourned and fell apart, but it was because of what I did and not your absence. I accepted that you were never coming back. I started moving on. Jyeon, though, wouldn't let go…. he became so convinced that he would know in his heart if you were gone. Obsessive about finding you. He wouldn't stop. He couldn't stop. ….. He couldn't accept a future without Sohla because that was death to him…. and look, he was right."
I think I get what he's saying. When he compared himself to Jyeon, the depth of devastation was evident in his brother, and he thinks his feelings paled in comparison.
"It doesn't mean you didn't love me in your own way. People are different. Honestly, I would be thrilled if it was only sibling love and being one of my closest friends … I don't want to see you suffer because of me. I adore you as my kid brother, Yoonie."
"I know. I have to spend some time on me and sorting through twenty-odd years of head mess. I think rehab was a good thing, but therapy might help. I never dealt with dad's death and the family dynamic upturning …. I never handled losing your mom and dad either. They were my family too. I think I just grabbed on and held you tight because you were the only one who wasn't drifting away. I was scared of being alone. I think I told myself that was love, but it was dependency."
I get that. Mother and Jyeon handled it as though it was nothing. No tears, no emotions. Both jumped into responsibility mode and damage control and tried to keep OLO afloat while everything was changed. We were two little kids who needed them, yet their weight of responsibility pulled them in too many directions. We all lost our security and anchors within one another. We all lived through tragedy. It did different things to all of us. Yoonah clung to me as a lifeboat, and I was struggling to stay afloat as it was.
"We were such a mess. If only life and family relationships came with a guidebook, huh? ….. To the outside world, we had everything. Money, power, good DNA, and yet the truth was, it was a mirage. I think therapy might be a good thing, maybe take a trip, figure yourself out much like we're going to."
"Don't go back to how it was. Don't let Jyeon push you back to who you were. No matter what…. don't go backward in that way." It's a stern tone cutting in with urgency.
"He didn't do that to me. I did that to me….. I was always in control of my own choices and my own life, yet I allowed myself to be pushed and coerced into things I knew deep down were not good for me. I chose to become what I became. That's on me. Jyeon didn't like me that way….. I didn't like who I was either, and it was the source of so many misunderstandings. It won't happen again. I'm stronger than I was, and I have realized that I should always put what I want first."
Yoonah nods, seemingly satisfied with that answer.
"And OLO? Are you really going to cut ties and never go back?.... It's not how it was. Jyeon is doing a good job but struggling alone to keep everything afloat. He won't let me help much, even though I see it taking a toll on him. He needs you back by his side. OLO always needed you."
I lean back, close my eyes and lift my face to the sun to bask in its warmth. It's mid-afternoon already, and it's still warm enough to feel good. Relaxed by today and letting go of so much.
"I don't know. It's been two years, and maybe I wouldn't know what to do anymore. It's not something you can just step back into. The investment world is ever-changing and fast-paced, and I don't know if I have the energy. It's not something I have given a lot of thought to."
"So come back slowly, let Jyeon guide you, and only do the bare minimum. He's going to be working anyway…why not shadow him. Do a little at a time and figure out a good balance between OLO and your island."
His pushy suggestion has me giggling at the sudden change in his entire manner and mood, And I nudge my shoulder against him in a playful motion.
"For someone that was so against Jyeon and me, you have clearly changed your tune." I blink my eyes open and smile at him, catching how he is gazing at me, and he breaks into a grin.
"I know he's the key to you coming home more often than not. I believe him when he said he'll work to deserve you. He has one chance… If you two work out, I get to see my sister way more. Especially if she's back where I work….. It's totally a selfish thing."
I sigh at him and pat him on top of the head.
"I'll think about it. These next few weeks back home, spending time with Jyeon and letting all this sink in…. I'll take a long hard look at what I want to do about OLO."
"Promise?" Yoonah holds out his pinkie to me in the juvenile manner of a million years ago, and I burst into a carefree laugh and hook mine in his.
"I promise."