I can't sleep. Tossing and turning for hours since Bryant brought us home in a cab, yet I don't want to get out of bed and disturb Greta. She's a light sleeper, even if she drunk a lot and would hear me wandering about. She looked exhausted, and I didn't want to burden her with my problems until morning. One of us should be well-rested, at least. My head's too messy, and I haven't told her about kissing Jyeon or where he was going after he left. She doesn't know about Claire, and Bryant didn't seem to yet either. I'm guessing Jyeon would have told him after he left us, though.
I get it. I do. The reason he feels responsible for this and the fact they reached out to him to accompany her. She tried to kill herself, and she shouldn't be alone in a hospital after that. He knows it's because of the other day and the very blunt way he dashed all her hopes, and it didn't sound like she has anyone else. It all makes perfect sense that she would cry for him, given he's the reason she's come to this point. I would probably do the same in her shoes, as he's the source of her pain, and I have been there. Hating him and in agony because of him, yet all I wanted in my darkest moments was him back by my side.
I just hate it. He felt obligated to go and is there now, acting as her rock, her support. Being for her what he wasn't for me back when I needed him to. As much as he tried to reassure me before he left, it's done the opposite. I'm mad and hurt and thinking of a million things I should have said to him at that moment. Told him not to go, even if I knew there wasn't another option.
Tonight has been a wake-up call for me. A reminder of things I was starting to forget about. The stupidity of allowing myself to begin falling into Jyeon's world once more and hoping for something I wanted my whole life from him. Losing sense and muddying up the details. Forgetting what he did to hurt me and why I told myself I would never trust him.
We should leave and go home sooner rather than later before I cross a line with him and make it impossible to go back. I almost stepped onto that sinking sand tonight, and if we hadn't been interrupted, I don't know how far I would have let him lead me. Lost in the headiness of being loved by him, wanted by him, and forgetting why I stayed away for two years. I would have gone anywhere with him on the power of that kiss, and that's dumb as hell.
Claire hasn't gone away. Neither has the person who hurt me with the car been rooted out or the reason found. It's too easy to let them maneuver me back in when my head is being turned, and my refusals have broken down. I let my guard down and drank the cool-aid without even noticing it. My stupid heart is acting of its own accord. I guess I got caught up with the whole drama and healing ability of being welcomed back, loved, missed. I totally ignored the reasons I ended up choosing never to return.
Mother wants me home so she can ease her guilt and heal. It's about her agony, regrets, and mental state, not mine. Yoonah intends to pick up his one-sided love like before, glad that he no longer has to grieve me or move on but instead can go back to how we were, and Jyeon wants our marriage to start over. OLO will be there looming over me, waiting to get its claws back into me if I let it, and then what? Greta leaves me here, and I go back to being the monster I once was? I can't be this dumb after everything that happened.
Claire isn't about to shut up and go away. Not now, not after this. This is her showing him the lengths she will take to keep him, even if she doesn't want to die. She's clinging on and making it clear I won't get a new start. She's the third wheel and the black cloud, and I haven't the energy for this. She made that choice two years ago to fight me head-on for him, and whether he wants her or not, she's still here in the mix all this time later.
"Hey, you're up?" Greta startles me in the dark, making me flinch, from the doorway where she has wandered in and is stood looking at me. I'm sat up in bed staring out the window at the clear pitch black sky and full moon in a bid to help sort my thoughts out and failing.
"Yeah. I can't sleep." I shift back onto the bed to sit back against my cushions and tap the empty side for her to join me.
"Got anything to do with the game of tongues you had with Master Park?" Greta raises a brow and climbs onto the mattress before wiggling under my duvet and catching my hand in hers. Looping our fingers together so she can cuddle against me like we have done a million times. This is my favorite way to work out problems between us.
I should have known that wench had eyes on us even while flying through the air at speed above us. Always watching over me, even when seemingly preoccupied with a handsome lawyer on a death ride.
"Hmmmmmm...you knew but didn't ask?" I nudge her coyly, shy that she saw it, shoulder to shoulder. Her head leans against me as she nuzzles in to get cozy.
"I know you. I figured this would be the same. Sometimes you need head space first before you confess your all to me. You looked like it was wanted, so I didn't have to ninja off the ride and rescue you."
There's a moment of pause as I lean my head on top of hers, cheek on the forehead, and try my hardest to find some inner peace, but my stomach is still in washing machine mode.
"I think it's time to tell Jyeon I have my memories, sign whatever, and go home. I don't know how much longer I can do this. He's pulling me back to him, yet there are so many reasons not to let him. Tonight was dumb, and I shouldn't have let it happen."
"You don't want to find out who messed with the car anymore? Why is a kiss making you drop everything and leave?" Greta sits up, seeing how serious I am about this, and her smiley expression drops to a concerned stare. Searching my face because she can tell there is more to this than a kiss. I'm surprised she seems shocked over this.
"Claire is in the hospital. She tried to commit suicide tonight. That's why Jyeon had to leave us with Bryant and go. That's what the emergency was." I confess, hating him for running after her as the bitterness oozes out in my words, and I know this is one hundred percent jealousy fuelled. I probably wouldn't be regretting a damn thing had she not stepped out of the shadow to remind me of her ever-looming presence. I would probably be rolling about Jyeon's bed with him right now. Maybe she did me a favor.
"Jesus Christ. That girl is determined; I'll give her that." Greta pulls me over into her open arm, cradling me against her bosom as a mother would. Stroking my hair and nestling me in, so we get comfy. Reminding me that she's my safe haven and the place I call home no matter what. That when my head is a mess, she is here to help me figure things out and do what's best for me and not what's best for everyone around me. No matter what happens, she won't ever let me down or abandon me the way they all did.
"So this is about her, not the kiss?"
I wish it were that simple.
"It's about everything and how weak I am around him. I'm going to tell him the truth… about not having amnesia. Now I know he's not a threat, and he's investing emotion into this... I'll tell him. He'll be hurt and realize we will never work, and he'll let me go. I can bring back the cold me and show him what he'll get if I stay. He hated that version of me, and his feelings will die quickly if that's who he gets."
"I don't know. It's not that I want you to stay here with him, but I see how sincere he is, and that's going to hurt a hell of a lot more than just sticking with the story and regaining them all at once. Jyeon is an idiot, but he seems to love you deep down genuinely. I don't want to like him, and God knows I try hard not to, but something sad about him has made me warm to him, and I wonder if this is the best thing for you both. He's as lonely and lost as you were when I found you, maybe because he never got to escape the way you did. He's not emotionally smart even if he has a large IQ, yet he seems like he won't make the same mistakes twice. He seems like he would try and make it different this time. I don't think Ice Queen Sohla will deter him like she once did. I think your death did rock his world and changed everything for him."
I lay in her arms quietly absorbing her slow and deliberate words, always trusting her wisdom, yet I shake my head. I know she's trying to be objective in this. Spending time with him has given her a new perspective.
"I don't want to go backward, and Jyeon belongs here in the city with OLO. I want to be on the island with you, and he will want me here with him, always with her hanging over us. It can't work. I made him despise me once; I can do it again, so he stops trying to win me over. Then it doesn't matter if I still love him…. it'll be over once and for all."
"Is that what you want?" Greta hushes a little and rocks me in her arm, her fingers finding my crown and stroking through my hair gently. I can feel her quickening pulse and know she's not as unaffected as she's acting. I know she's scared I won't go home with her, so I don't understand why she's saying these things.
Coming here has been messy and turned everything upside down. It hurts to say the words and no, maybe it's not what I want deep down, but it's what I should do. I have a life, a job, and a best friend to think about now.
"I want to be happy. I want not to spend my life stuck in the past and unable to move on."
Despite thinking I was happy on the island all this time, I never really got over the wounds and left the memories behind, and I really want to now. Maybe this is the closure I needed.
"I truly do not think Jyeon will just give up and let you go. I've been watching him this past couple of weeks and trying to suss him out. Watching you both together... I get that he's not the quickest when it comes to love and feelings, and oh boy, he's a spoiled eldest child of a very wealthy family. He has been raised to go after what he wants and not think about others, and that's his biggest problem. Yet, he's not a bad person. He's a product of his environment, much like you were."
"I know. I know him better than anyone, and I can understand everything from our past. I don't blame him for what went down and how we ended up. I blame both of us and our parents. Our social responsibilities and our money. It doesn't change anything, though."
I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to put myself in a vulnerable position where Jyeon has the power to cut my heart out all over again. That's my biggest fear.
"What do you really want? Putting everything else aside…. don't think about me, OLO, the car wreck, or anything like that. Don't think about past scars and old wounds. Just think about what you, Sohla, want. Right now, right here."
I hold still, my breathing pausing as I genuinely think about that question. It's easy to latch onto his love and deny everything else impulsively, but it's not what I truly want.
"I don't want to get hurt anymore." It's the only answer I can come up with that's true. Without hesitation, without confusion.
"You love him. You've always loved him, yet you're scared to let it happen. You're running away like you did when I found you. That's not closure. Your fear of him hurting you again is overshadowing everything else."
"Weren't you against this, him, coming here? How come it sounds like you're now encouraging me to think about being with him? I feel like you're no longer on my side in this." I yank my body up, turning to look her in the eye, my heart racing and palms clammy. Anger simmers from deep down because this is the last thing I expected from her, and I wonder if she's still drunk. I thought of all people, Greta would be the one to talk sense into me.
"I only want you to be happy. And watching you with him these past days, I realized that you only light up a certain way when he's around. You could never let Tom get close because Jyeon has held your heart since you were a literal child. I don't think pushing him away and running home will fix anything. I don't want you to regret anything." Greta rubs her face with both hands and sighs loudly. Seemingly exhausted too. She's been keeping all of this inside, and it isn't helping my confused heart. "Of course, I want you home with me, but I love you too much to be that selfish. I want you to choose your happiness, and I'll support it no matter what it looks like."
"Even knowing where he is tonight, you still don't think I should push him away? You want me to follow my dumb heart to the guy sitting with his mistress right now?" I snap, losing my temper when this isn't even her doing. I know it's my frayed hurt feelings and my anger at Claire for this entire scenario. I have zero sympathies for what she's done because I don't believe she intended to die.
"I think Jyeon is a moron, as I've said …. But I don't think tonight is a reason to leave him and go home. I agree he needs you with all your memories returned and nothing left to hide. Being honest with one another and facing this fully. I think Claire is a manipulative hoe, and Jyeon is trying to do the right thing for everyone now."
I stare at her for a long few seconds, thinking, trying to regulate my erratic breathing and calm my inner swirling angst. Knowing she's right. Logic is in my face loud and clear, but it cannot contain my tornado of pain that's building up inside.
"I'm done lying. I plan to tell him the truth about why I never came home. He wanted me to have them all back before talking about OLO, the divorce. Let's do that." It's an arrogant and blunt statement. Meant to end this conversation and show Greta I am pissed at her too. For not being her usual feisty self and trash-talking Jyeon for me. I guess I needed her to be the one to shake me to my senses because I know how close I am to caving, and I'm mad as hell that she's putting it all back on my shoulders. As stupid as that may be, even to be angry about. "No more lies. No more hiding. No more pretending I am okay with anything anymore."
"Soh…" Greta's cut short by my cell phone breaking into life. The song I use as my ringtone shrills loudly in the dark, quiet room, and we both glance at the lightened screen and hold still at seeing Jyeon's name.
It's almost one am, and yet he's calling me. I guess he must be done with his mistress at the hospital.