Astrid slowly wrapped her hands against the metal door and pulled. Behind her were the muffled voices of the three women who were as tainted and insane as her.
"Tell that fattie nurse that she's late for lunch!" Peanut screamed. "Don't you dare forget that, got it?!"
With a frown she limped out of the room and slowly made her way to the nurse's station where Juanda was waiting for her.
Tears welled in her eyes upon remembering who she used to be. It was the only thing that spark the emotions inside of her. For everything was fading. All was lost in the transition as she was left to die and decay in this hell hole.
Even though the memory of her glorious days were slowly diminishing, there are still those precious memories she could not forget. Those memories are what keeps her alive. It was back in the day — five years ago when she wasn't limping. Instead she would grace the catwalk with her presence. Left and right advertisements from high end and big time companies.
Others would adorn her with praises, saying her legs were the envy of many, and that her legs should be insured for thousands of dollars. Oh, how she wished she had done that before everything crashed and burned in front of her eyes.
After being in this mental hospital for years, her mile long legs struggled to walk, not to mention the scars on them. The scars that she inflicted through the dark, and the scars the other patients — and even nurses inflicted on her. But most of all, the scars that was inflicted by someone she would never forget.
Never, not even on her deathbed.
"Let's go, hurry up!" The head nurse pushed her impatiently, and her face was full of contempt. "I can't believe someone would take you out even after what you've done.." Juanda hissed as she pulled Astrid by the arm. "But heck, that's why they say that Justice only serves those who could afford it. But the poor…" Juanda laughed as she shook her head, looking absolutely disgusted. "...but for the poor? Nothing, absolutely nothing."
As Juanda continued to complain about the broken and soiled system of Justice, Law and Equality and how stupid the status quo is, Astrid Starling continued to stare of the far off distance.
Her naturally blonde, almost golden hair was unkempt, unwashed and was all over the place. Before, it was styled to perfection but because the facility of the mental institution was subpar, there are times when the patients couldn't and weren't allowed to bathe. Thus it was covered with gunks and she stank.
Her green eyes looked dead, as if her soul escaped her body. And even as insults were thrown her way, she wasn't fazed by it. She looked as if she did not care and was stuck in her own world.
But when she heard the word, "Now you're going to be safe…"
Perry almost bit her tongue from trying to stop herself from lashing out to the head nurse. She stopped walking for a minute, feeling her bad leg giving up on her.
"Protect?" She whispered to herself. Her voice was so soft and hoarse that Juanda didn't manage to comprehend. "Protect… since when?"
==============
"Protect me —" Astrid choked. "I'm sure you must be joking."
Juanda frowned and her eyes dilated, trying to stop herself from exploding. Boy, did she have enough of this drama. If only she could return back to her old self, slap herself when she took up nursing and take up a management course instead — then she wouldn't be this miserable. "Ain't nobody gonna beat your sorry ass once you're out of here, huh?"
And it came out, the word vomit.
Those words were enough to trigger the madness inside Astrid Starling. "Fuck you." She hissed and then she began to move again.
She hated how the world could tick and pinch her last nerves, making her feel anguish, hate and betrayal all over again. It's really ridiculous. Back then, she was accused of being a murderer, went to trial and was sent in this hell hole. Even during her trial and confinement at Pelican Bay State Prison, no one even dared and had ever stood up for her. Throughout the whole trial, no friend nor any family member showed up and tried to fight for her innocence.
No one was by her side. She was all alone.
Even now as she's about to leave the John George Psychiatric Hospital she still feels alone. Even though the nurses called her 'S.P.' short for 'Special Care', the way the patients and the nurses treated her was the complete opposite. She was treated as if she was dirt. Worse than dirt.
Her leg was broken and two of her toes were cut off. She was placed in different rooms to calm the damages she took, and yet when the beatings she received and the insults continued, no one came forward to help and protect her. Not even the nurses.
Then and there she realized that hell is real. And that it is true. For there is no darker place than a mental hospital. Everyone hurt her, abused her.
On her first day the nurses forced her to drink her pills. They would taze her if she didn't. And the next day they've stolen her precious belongings, as well as stealing the remaining sanity inside of her.
They've beaten her up until it didn't hurt anymore. They've wounded her so much that the scars in her body grew thick. She tasted so much of her blood that when she bleeds, she's no longer repulsed by the iron taste.
There was a time when she wished she had simply been beaten to death. But now that she is used to it… it doesn't seem so bad.
"It really doesn't seem bad…" She hissed to herself as she looked at the flickering light above her head. Astrid laughed and covered her mouth to not get Juanda's attention.
A flash, a memory of someone's face appeared on her mind. It was him, the man who scorned her. She still remembers his words. "And you said he'll get me out… stupid fattie Juanda." She whispered, snickering like a maniac right after.
'I swear to God you'll rot in this place, Astrid Starling! You pay for what you've done! You will wish you were dead after this, heck! You could only dream that you die every single day!'
Those words repeated in her mind as she imagined those cold and deep blue ocean eyes of his. She still remembers his voice. His voice reminds her of a ghost, something that she wanted to forget but still haunts her.
After all these years, every time she remembers how he looks at her chills still run down her spine. Small bumps appeared on her arm and the back of her neck. And she feels as if he's here, telling her, reminding her that her suffering isn't over.
"Come in, people are waiting for you."
Juanda's words snapped her out of her trance, making her look in the direction of a closed metal door. It did not look like the other doors. It looked clean, repainted. Something she hasn't seen for years, and it smelled good.
"Okay." Was her short answer.
The head nurse opened the door for her. And when she saw the room, her eyes that looked dark and gloomy had bear and showed life. A room where the sunlight leaked from a small window at the end of the corridor, adding a bit of mystery to it.
"I'll take my leave."
Odd enough, as she watched the head nurse leaving, Astrid Starling's heart was calm. She watched the head nurse open the door for her and left.
Hearing the door shut, her brows raised and she unconsciously looked around the room. She became curious, wanting to know what's going on? What is happening that is beyond her control? Now she realized how odd this feels, how alone she was.
She's wondering why the head nurse trusted her to be left alone. Why is she not watching her when the judge deemed her as a danger to herself and the others?
But the most important thing was… who was behind the closed door in front of her.
Astrid was left frozen in place when the door slowly opened. The sound of the door screeching against the floor made her wince. As the door opened, light filled the room, almost blinding her for she was trapped in the darkness for so long.
And when she saw who was standing tall behind the closed doors, chills ran down her spine. But this feeling was different. It wasn't fear. Nor was it disgust. She felt every core of her being shaken, torn apart — mended and torn apart again, repeating the cycle again and again as destructive emotions flooded her mind and her heart.
Every single hair on her body stood up as his words replayed on her depressed mind.
"Astrid Starling, if you dare to touch a single strand in her hair, I will kill you myself!"
"In this life and even in the next life — I don't ever want to see you again!"
"Why didn't you become crippled like your brother?"
Her hand automatically went up to her head and her fingers laced on her clumpy hair as memories of the past rushed back to her like a flood. She was drowning in them and it manifested on her body that it was getting harder and harder for her to breathe.
She was in a state of panic. In self-destruct mode.
She wanted to hurt herself, maybe even poke her eyes out so that he could not see him.
Astrid Starling's body trembled as she looked at the man who was sitting on a chair, looking like he was a demon from hell who's about to claim her.
"You…" She hissed. "...Matthew Cullin."