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It is always better
to avenge dear ones than to indulge in mourning.
For every one of us, living in this world
means waiting for our end.
~ Beowulf
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The good thing about the time before clocks was you never needed to know how late it was when heading home.
And it was that way when Robin and I drunkenly walked to the outskirt of Pearl that night. We'd lost ourselves entirely.
"Why can't humans go visit the stars?" I said, laughing.
"What the hell are you talking about this time?"
I shrugged, and would have taken a swig from a rum bottle if I had one. "I want to visit them. We can go anywhere else, can't we? Why not the stars?"
The old oak tree was starting to appear above the hill. And a pang of regret hit my heart not wanting tonight to end.
"What star do you want to visit then?" She said, and I heard her eyes roll.
"I dunno. I didn't think that far ahead."
"If you had to choose."
I pouted and leaned against the tree. "I'm drunk and you're asking me questions."
She crossed her arms and smirked. "Even more reason. Which one?"
Without thinking, I pulled her close and pointed up at the sky. It was a clear night and millions of twinkling diamonds danced above us. "The...the second one to the right," I drawled.
Robin barked out a laugh. "To the right of what?"
"Well, the one. The one straight ahead."
"The stars move, you know. How am I supposed to map this out?"
"It will be there until morning!"
"They even move at night, darling," she said, chucking.
I rolled my head on her shoulder to look at her. "Well, how does anyone get anywhere? I heard that ship captains use the stars to travel."
She reached forward and grabbed a strand of my hair and played with it. Her ale-scented breath was hot against my face. "Why don't you learn?" she said. "And then tell me all about it."
That one suggestion was what ultimately decided my fate. But in that moment, it felt inconsequential. Ridiculous musings by two drunk women trying to forget the horrors of the prior day. In reality, the Marianne I was then couldn't dream of leaving Pearl. And had Robin never suggested it, she never would.
"A life chasing the stars and never to touch them," I said. "That sounds like a miserable existence."
"That's what adventure is."
The air between us changed, and part of me wanted to inhale all of it, closing the distance between us so I could breathe it all in. And I'd never felt anything like it before, so I lifted my head and stepped away. Before I could retreat too far, she grabbed my hand.
"Come with me," she said.
My breath caught. "I can't."
"You can," she said, grabbing my other hand. "You can, Marianne."
I shook my head. "Neville wouldn't want that."
Her face clouded with sadness, and she looked away, not having a response for it. "Maybe that's true. But do you want it?"
"I've never considered what I want."
She nodded and grasped my other hand, lifting both knuckles to her lips. "Take a night to decide then. Return tomorrow with your answer. If you don't return, I'll take it as a no. But please, Marianne," she pled. "Please return to at least say goodbye."
"You hardly know me. Why would you risk another night near here for me?"
She smiled. "I spend my life chasing stars never to catch them. But I can ask them to join me when I see them."
"I'll think about it."
She beamed. "That's all I wanted to hear. Goodnight, Marianne."
"Goodnight, Robin," I said, turning away, hiding my smile.
But that smile disappeared when I stepped back into the little hut Neville and I had shared. Nothing could ever be the same again. But I wasn't certain I was ready to accept that. The energy I'd had with Robin cracked in the darkness. With her, I forgot my sorrow. But the thick embrace of guilt for forgetting his death welcomed me.
---
When I awoke the next morning, I realized I hadn't moved from where I collapsed behind the front door. My head throbbed from the night's activities.
The morning sounds of wheelbarrows creaking and the church bells clanging did nothing to soothe my headache. I stood and peeked through the front door, the sun immediately assaulting me. Would anyone notice if I didn't attend morning church?
Of course they would. Neville was only executed yesterday. I groaned and snatched my veil from the dilapidated table in the corner. If it didn't look like I was praying for his forgiveness, I may be arrested under suspicion of...something. They'd think of something.
As if on cue, a knock sounded on the door. "Anne?"
Thomas. I told him not to call me that. I turned and opened the door, seeing the blacksmith's son in front of me. "Yes?"
He brushed his hair aside with his hand as if nervous. "I'm sorry to hear--"
I'd already tuned him out. This whoreson had been after wedding me for years now, and wouldn't listen to "no" as an answer. Now that Neville was gone, I had no protection. No man to own me.
Seeing Thomas at my door was the first time I was confronted with that fact. No man to own me.
Thomas may have seen me as a woman who would be frightened of that fact. And I was, but not afraid to run from it. Sometimes, fear means we run toward what makes us afraid.
"Is that all?" I asked him.
His eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Yes, Anne."
"Marianne," I said, putting on my veil. "And I'm going for prayers. If you will excuse me."
I had planned to tend to the sheep before going, but I wanted to make a point, so I shoved past Thomas and didn't turn back as I headed toward the church.
Could I go with Robin then?
I was free, after all. I was sure the sheep would quickly be taken by other villagers once they realized I was gone. There was nothing keeping me here. I could go with Robin.
Robin Hood and Marianne. We'd have the greatest adventures.
But then, I happened to turn towards the sea and realize my fate was different.
If I went with Robin, I may never learn how to chase the stars in the reflection of the water. Those years of going to the beach and looking out, thinking about what could be if I could go that far...I'd never be able to find out.
If I went with Robin, I'd be exchanging one distinct path for another. I'd be putting my life into Robin's hands.
If I stayed, I'd learn to put my life into my own. I'd learn how to chase the constantly moving stars.
But if I went with Robin, I wouldn't have to be alone. Things wouldn't be so uncertain.
Looking toward the church, I realized I'd made my decision before Robin even asked me to leave.
If God decides our lives, He already made my decision. And when I knelt down in front of the Virgin Mary I still believed in, I felt peace in knowing Neville would rest easily. Even though his body was put in an unmarked grave as is destined by traitors, I would not betray him.