There are times when you know instinctively that something big is going to happen soon, for me that day was today. I was fading in and out of consciousness after I fainted at my home. I only remember snippets of my memory after I heard the gunshot. I remember hearing an ambulance siren, and then I remember seeing many people wearing white clothes, I was probably in a hospital. I could hear some whispers but couldn't understand what they were saying, so I strained my ears to listen even as I was still delirious and in severe pain.
"The surgeon said he is probably not going to make it, the best-case scenario is full-body paralysis and blindness if not a coma, but even that has an extremely low chance. He is still responding for now but the trauma is too severe, I think we should let him pass peacefully".
So you see my premonition was correct, I am dying. I am grateful that the doctors decided to let me die in peace because even if they were able to save me, I wouldn't want to live bedridden for the rest of my life. It was a very pitiful existence anyway and frankly, it's not like I accomplished anything with my life. Me being alive or dead doesn't matter to anyone, there may be some people like Mr Takanashi who will probably blame himself for what happened, but I hope he doesn't, someone like me is not worth grieving anyway. I don't know what happened to my dad, but he was probably arrested after being shot, I hope he rots in jail for eternity.
They say when you are in your final moments, your life flashes in front of you. They say that you see your biggest regrets and greatest joys. Today I learnt that this saying doesn't apply to me. I don't have what people call regrets. I couldn't control when or to whom I was born, I couldn't control how people would treat me, I did some things that people would people consider morally wrong, but I did it because I didn't have a choice thus I don't regret it at all. I can't regret anything in my life because regrets are born out of choices and choices are born out of desires, I didn't live a life where I was allowed to have either of them. My whole life I have just been a victim of my circumstances.
Well, I do say that, but there was that one time I gave in to my desires, but I didn't regret that decision. In fact, It was quite the opposite, it made my life worth living. It was so important to me that I clung to it even as I was being beaten to death, even now while taking my final breaths I could feel myself hugging it tightly even though my whole body was numb, and I could barely feel anything. Stealing that book was the best decision I had ever made in my life, but truth be told I couldn't care less for the book itself, I didn't care for the story or the ending or the characters or the couples, it just all looked like unrealistic fantasy garbage to me. No, the only thing I cared about was her... Iris Von Baltimore.
She was not the innocent heroine with a pure heart or a righteous character with a perfect sense of justice, she was the villain of the story but most importantly she was a broken person. She was extremely strong and powerful while also being very intelligent and cunning but even with all her talents on the inside she was a husk of a person, just like me. Her despair led her to commit a heinous crimes for which she was killed but that only made me like her more. Unlike her who was strong and fought till the end before being swallowed by despair, I was just a pathetic weakling who accepted whatever was given to me. She was just like me but so much better.
I forced myself to become strong like her and get out of this endless abyss, I put my heart and soul into my studies, so that could get out of that hell, I clung to that hope Mr. Takanashi gave me because I thought if I became put in the effort, I would be able to defeat my demons. Although in the end, it was all for nothing.....for her, and for me. Even with all her power and intelligence in the end the despair swallowed her completely and she paid the price for it. Ironically the same fate awaited me now, but even then I don't regret trying to move forward. Even though it was fruitless in the end I was content in knowing that I at least had the hope to escape my fate.
In my dying breaths, I asked myself if it would have been different if we could have met or if we had talked to each other, supported each other, took the burden of each other's pain, and combined each other strengths. Maybe together we could have found out what emotions like happiness and serenity or maybe even something like love feel like, but it was pointless to think of things like this now. I knew that I was almost across death's door, so as my final goodbye to myself I remembered the chapter in the book that resonated with me the most and gave me the hope to escape my hell...
_____________________
(Iris Von Baltimore's POV In the book 'This Is Not Love')
It was an eerie feeling. I was being dragged to the scaffolding by two imperial knights, my hands were tied behind my back and my clothes were torn and covered in grime and dirt. My mouth was gagged, and my eyes were blindfolded. I could hear the shouts of the common public who were hurling insults at me.
I suddenly felt a sharp pain near my stomach. It was a stone thrown at me.
"You evil witch, why did you try to kill Miss Cynthia, she did nothing wrong to you. You deserve to die!!" somebody shouted.
"The crown prince must have suffered a lot, being engaged to someone like you".
I was pushed through the crowd while I was being hit by stones and whatnot. When I made my way onto the top of the scaffolding my blindfold and gag were removed, and I was blinded by the light suddenly entering my eyes. I looked down from the scaffolding at the multitudes of people waiting for me to be executed. Some were looking at me with scorn and anger while others were just plain disgusted. It did not matter much to me though, I know people's perception of you can change at the drop of a hat, a few months ago these same people would have looked at me in awe and admiration as the crown princess.
I learned very early in my life that my reason for existing in this world was to be used as a tool. My parents, the Duke and Duchess of Baltimore were in a marriage bound by politics and the reason I was conceived was to use me to consolidate more power and connect the duchy to the royal family by marriage.
I was born for the sole purpose of becoming the perfect woman. From even before I could remember, every single day was hell. In The years of childhood when I was supposed to be frolicking around and playing, I was confined to my room for days on end where I was forced to study everything about the empire. My meals were heavily restricted to maintain my figure. On the days when I was let out, I was forced to train in the art of sword fighting and after coming back I had to practice my magic late into the night. My teacher was a cruel monster who would severely punish me even for the smallest of mistakes. She used to take a very thin blade and give me shallow cuts near my inner thighs and chest, normally shallow cuts are only a minor inconvenience, but she precisely cut me near my lymph nodes and mana circuits to give me an ungodly amount of pain while also not leaving permanent scars.
They often say that the opposite of love is indifference not hate, and I could attest to that statement. I would rarely see my parents and even when I did, there was no harmony between us, they did not hate me, but they didn't love me either. When we talked, they only asked me about my studies and training. I put up with all this because as any child would, I wanted to seek validation and love from my parents, I was also heavily isolated from the outside world, so I thought that whatever I was going through was normal.
I desperately tried to appease my father by trying to help him by using my knowledge. When I was ten years old, there was a huge famine in the fiefdom. In one of our very rare dinners together, I used all the grueling information I was forced to learn and my own weeks of research to revive the farmland and presented it to my father.
"I see" He said after taking a glance at what I had given him.
To anyone else, it would have been a clear sign of disinterest, but to a naive child like me who starved for affection, even a speck of curiosity in what I had shown him was like a beacon of light in my grey life. Since then, I put all my effort into solving the problems that my father faced. In the wars against the zygol barbarians in the East, I prepared a comprehensive report on the enemy and formulated tactics against them, when the trade from serion port was affected due to the merchant's strike, I made proposals to my father regarding negotiations between them.
I put in all this effort, but his answer was always the same though even that was enough for me, I was content just knowing that he at least listened to what I had to say, but my innocent assumptions came crashing down on the day of my debutante ball.
Normally debutante balls are held when noble ladies come of age on their sixteenth birthday. For me, however, the debutante ball was held on my twelfth birthday as a special case because my engagement to the crown prince was also to be announced that day. I had to go through weeks of training to be at my best at the ball, I give it my all thinking that it was finally time to leave my cage of confinement. On the day of the ball, everything was going smoothly, all preparations had been done, and the party began after sunset. Normally it is the father of the debutante who announces her arrival, but my father did not even attend the party, so it was the duty of the butler, this was a clear sign of indifference from my father who did not even bother to attend his daughter's introduction to society. I was very distraught but convinced myself that he was occupied with something important, I thought that he would at least come to announce my engagement to the crown prince but even that was done by the butler and I even had to dance with him as my partner which was also my father's duty. My naive delusions that I had clung to all these years were slowly starting to fall apart.
Throughout the night I had to face the open sarcasm and ridicule from the attendees regarding the absence of my father at his own daughter's introduction to society, everyone looked at me with condescending gazes and haughty stares. My mind started believing that my confined existence was better than living in this harsh and cruel world of judgment. I couldn't hold it any longer and headed to my chambers on the verge of tears, while my sense of self-worth was fading away bit by bit.
When I arrived at the main corridor, I suddenly heard a loud laugh coming from the visitor's lounge. The visitor's lounge is used when a distinguished guest visits the mansion but today was the day of the ball, so there was no reason for anyone to be there. My curiosity got the better of me and I made my way to the lounge. The laughter was getting louder and louder as I reached closer to the entrance of the lounge, when I got there, I peeked through the opening made by the slightly ajar door.
"Haha! Is it true what you are saying Duke Baltimore" said a man who was probably my fathers subordinate.
"I don't lie, Leon, that daughter of mine has been pestering me with her nonsense ever since the famine two years ago, I don't even look at what she shows me, but she never stops, I even told her teacher to punish her more, but she bounces back like an annoying pest".
"The troubles you go through for that brat, I thought she would have guessed by now that the only reason she exists is to be used as a puppet. Though I do feel pity for her".
"Hmph, she is too naive for her own good. She thought I was worried about the famine but little did she know, I was the one who started it. The easiest way to oppress the commoners is to take away their food".
"I heard she also tried to help you in the war against the barbarians, does she not even know that we were the ones who incited the war and provided them with weapons to weaken the eastern nobles bordering them".
"No, she has no reason to know that, her duty is to do what I tell her to and become a good little queen who can be exploited to give more power to the duchy. I had her educated and trained to make her look like a shiny trophy which the royal family would scamper to acquire, but it seems it has come to bite me in the back".
"You could have at least attended her ball".
"Things like that don't concern me. If she hadn't been irritating me these past years, I would have even considered it, but she doesn't seem to know her place".
"Pfft, you are a monster, Duke Baltimore".
"I know that Leon, I shed my humanity for power. Power is everything in this world. I ironically learned this from the Royal family itself and I will be the one who steals their power from them....."
People say something changed in me after the day of my ball, and they were partially right, I changed because I died. The person called Iris Von Baltimore was ruthlessly killed by myself, replacing her was a husk. A person with absolutely nothing inside her, a perfect puppet to be used by my father. I was refusing to acknowledge the truth that was in front of me the whole time... No one cared about Iris, I was just a mere tool to acquire power. If that's the case then there was no need for someone like Iris Von Baltimore to exist, she had things like emotions, feelings, aspirations, and desires. This would only hinder my purpose to become a tool. If my reason for existing was to become a puppet then I had to become the best puppet to exist, so I killed Iris Von Baltimore.
For the next four years until my sixteenth birthday, I gave my all to become a perfect puppet because that was what I was made to do and over that time I met with the crown prince numerous times. This was a political alliance of course, so there was no intimate relationship between us and all our discussions were purely business-related but for some reason, I always felt unsettled around him. I never dared to show it on the outside, but there was always something that was unnerving about him.
Our latest discussion was about our enrollment in Selia Magic academy. It was an academy meant to nurture, enhance and propagate magic which all aristocrats were required to attend but since almost all magical knowledge was held by aristocrats themselves, this school was more like a place for aristocrats to socialize and insert themselves into certain social groups and make connections for the future. Commoners could attend, but it was very rare, and they would certainly be discriminated against even when rules stated that everyone would be treated equally.
We were discussing how we will maintain our relationship in the public eye of the academy and came to a conclusion that we wouldn't need to interact except on occasion, it was already public information that our relationship was purely political, so there was no need to put on airs for no reason.
Life in the academy was mundane and uninteresting, I didn't make any effort to socialize and all my education was completed even before I entered the academy. I was required to attend some social events with the crown prince as my partner, but that was only very rarely, though I always saw a woman with deep blue hair near him, her name was Cynthia Von Ashmore, the daughter of a baron. I didn't mind her presence, but I would later learn that my ignorance would spell my doom.
It was just another day or at least I thought it was, in the middle of the break, I received a letter from the crown prince's maid requesting a meeting with him in the banquet hall in the academy premises. I was skeptical but since it was a signed letter from the crown prince, I had an obligation to attend. To my surprise, when I arrived there in the hall there was an assortment of high-ranking nobles assembled there.
"What is the meaning of this, Your Highness?" I asked.
"Don't act like you don't know Lady Baltimore" the crown prince said.
"I assure you Your Highness I sincerely don't know why I was called here".
"Lady Baltimore, you shouldn't lie, if you ask for forgiveness I am sure the crown prince will pardon you" I heard a voice that came from behind the crown prince, it was Cynthia Von Ashmore.
"Lady Baltimore, I have received intelligence suggesting mass scale corruption in the Baltimore duchy, there are also reports that suggest that the famine in the fiefdom six years ago was intentionally orchestrated by the ducal administration. What do you have to say for yourself?".
"I don't know what you are talking about Your Highness. Are you sure these reports can be trusted?" I questioned.
"I understand your concerns Lady Baltimore, but these are some heavy accusations and I wouldn't have made them if I didn't trust my sources, I assure you in the name of the crown prince".
"That may be all well and good Your Highness but is there any proof to your claims?".
"These are still very preliminary investigations, but I could consider a full investigation into the duchy, if these claims stand to be true however I think you know what the repercussions the Baltimore family will face. However, considering our long-standing relationship I will not conduct a full investigation as an act of faith and only hope that the duchy rights its wrongs".
I had been cornered. I have no clue as to where he found that information from but if he conducted a full investigation into the family, it will mean only have meant one thing for us...death. This was a clear threat, but I still don't know what his terms were, I always felt uneasy when dealing with him, and only then did I know why, he was a cold-blooded snake out for blood. He intentionally didn't conduct a full investigation because he didn't want to create a power vacuum if the Baltimore family was to be executed, and now he can even make us do his bidding.
"But I cannot let such grave crimes go Lady Baltimore, there has to be some consequence. I cannot associate with a family which has potentially harmed the empire and its people. I, Lysander Von Alexandria, the crown prince of the Alexandrian Empire hereby declare my engagement with Iris Von Baltimore null and void. I also declare my engagement to Cynthia Von Ashmore, A true example of innocence and righteousness, she will lead the Alexandrian people as their queen and bring it to new heights!".
There was deafening applause all around the hall, everyone was cheerful and joyous. In between all this was me, my head started spinning, and I was feeling dizzy, I couldn't stand to be in front of them anymore, so I staggeringly made my way to my room in the dormitory. I opened the bathroom door and started vomiting into the sink. I still wasn't able to process what happened. The crown prince had played me right into his hands. Four years ago I found out the truth of my life and gave everything away in pursuit of being a tool but even that was taken from me. If so then why am I here? Why did I kill my desires? Why did I kill the person named Iris Von Baltimore.
"No, no, no this has to be a lie.....My life's purpose is to become queen, that was why I was born so there has to be a misunderstanding, that has to be the case. It was probably her, Cynthia Von Ashmore. She must have also wanted to become the queen, but she doesn't know that it is mine. I have to get rid of her, I have to get rid of her, I have to get rid of her.....then everything will be alright." I was muttering to myself as I let my despair which I had killed along with Iris Von Baltimore consume me entirely.
This is where I am now, on the scaffolding waiting to be hanged. I tried to kill Cynthia Von Ashmore after my psychotic episode that day. Normally using my expertise and connections I could have made it seem like a perfect murder and gotten away with it scot-free but in my madness, I took the knife I had in my room and went to her room the very same night. I could have killed her in silence without a single speck of noise and returned to my room before anyone was alerted but in my pure rage I swung wildly at her but she started screaming and the guards came and apprehended me.
Over my days of imprisonment, I slowly regained my sanity and understood the gravity of the situation. I tried to kill the future queen and I already knew what was going to happen to me, I was undoubtedly going to be executed. I looked through my memories and understood how miserable of an existence I was but through that, the person called Iris Von Baltimore was slowly coming back to life within me and now in front of the thousands of people Iris Von Baltimore had finally come back completely. I was so astounded I started laughing, the people on the ground below seemed shocked, they probably think that I have gone mad. That didn't matter to me though because I remembered the dreams and aspirations that I had killed, desires that I had murdered, and emotions that I even forgot existed. I also remembered the wish that Iris Von Baltimore had before I killed her mercilessly.
I made my way to the rope from which I was to be hanged from, the executioner put the rope over my neck and asked me if I had any last words, I didn't say anything. He headed over to the lever and as he was about to pull it I remembered that last wish that Iris, no....I had before my death.
If only there was someone who saw me as Iris, acknowledged my existence as Iris, did not crush my desires and aspirations, did not see me as a tool or a puppet. If there was such a person then I am sure I would even have been able to feel emotions like love, which I had never experienced before.....
END OF PROLOGUE