It's been several hours since the opening of the circus. Everything was going as planned; the guests were enjoying themselves, the children were being entertained by watching the small acts each performer was putting on, riding the carousel and the Ferris-wheel, petting the horses and the elephants or gazing into the jaws of Hercules the lion or BearCat's four bears. The adults were more serious about their visit, they judged each act as if they were professional critics, they bought beer, gin, and wine from vendors scattered around the area, and they talked with each other about memories of when they were young and the Nočne Mačke was once the Angels' Haven; the friendly, country fair-style carnival.
They liked to talk about Mr MacSeren, and how his circus was kind, welcoming, easy on the eyes, innocent. They would eventually remark on how much this new circus has changed, and how the boy magician transformed into a man dressed as a cat who leads an entire troupe of low-lives. I don't like their comments... not only are they not true, but they're insulting to everybody who's put their heart and soul into this carnival.
But other than the judgemental conversations between the conservative adults, everything was going according to plan. The artists were having fun, although they were nervous and their shows were going as rehearsed with minor slip-ups. I was especially proud of TomCat, who performed in his first-ever, official magic show. He was a hit with the children and the young girls, who thought he was quite the handsome devil. I don't blame them.
However, it was when our grand show was beginning to approach did everyone's nerves spike with adrenaline and worry began to set in.
...
"Places everyone!" Tom whisper-yelled to the troupe as they hustled about backstage, moving props around and climbing ladders to get to their starting positions. In all the rushed chaos, I mentally blanked and forgot where to go. For a while, I stood awkwardly off to the side, waiting for it all to come back to me. Eventually, I gave up and rushed over to Tom to ask for help.
"Uh... Tom?... I forgot my place," I timidly told the ringmaster. He looked down at me, the darkness of the backstage area creating darkened holes under his brow and hiding his eyes from me; it scared me slightly how different he looked now that he was in the official, ringmaster mindset.
"You start in the small cage over there... remember, BeastCat pushes you out and I continue from there," he reminded, pointing behind me to a small blue and gold cage beside the curtains leading into the ring. I nodded and sighed; it all came back to me now and I remembered clearly what to do. All that was left was the sickening pit in my stomach that had gathered due to nervousness. This was my first big show and I had an act all by myself. The anxiety was treacherous and I was afraid that I would ball my eyes out on stage.
"Tom... I'm scared," I admitted, hugging my friend's thigh tightly. I heard him sigh softly and soon after, he lifted me up to his chest and embraced me. I melted in his arms; the sheer comfort that I always found within his hugs was instant and I refused to let go for a long time.
"I know you are, Tae, but trust me on this one: you're gonna do great," Tom assured me, massaging the back of my head and my neck to calm me down. I rested there against his chest for some time while he rushed around, helping artists as best as he could with issues that had arisen. At one point, I think BeastCat had come up to Tom with an issue concerning Hercules but I wasn't quite sure what had been done about it.
Eventually, however, Tom regrettably had to return me to my starting spot: the blue and gold cage. He helped me inside and, after making sure I was comfortable, he wished me luck and draped a large black cloth over the cage
Everything was completely dark with the blanket obliterating any light that tried to penetrate the cloth, but I could hear everyone continuing to rush around backstage and settling somewhere to calm their nerves and relax. In the distance, I could hear Cheetah loudly announcing the many wonders and paradoxical scenes one could witness in our show while the garbled voices of guests filled the stands. Cheetah was good at his job out there; Tom made a smart choice with him.
I'll admit that I was nervous beyond anything else, but it was fairly easy to calm myself down and relax with a few breathing exercises that Tom taught me a long, long time ago when I first came here. These exercises definitely helped, and I did a few until I was calm, collected, and ready when the house lights dimmed, preparing for the show that was about to start.
Everything was pitch black and silent, as the crowd had quieted in anticipation for the show.
Then, a note was played on a hurdy-gurdy; slow and ominous. A three-beat tempo that was like that of a waltz. Soon more instruments joined in, playing different harmonies and melodies all building up into a great crescendo of music. The tempo sped up into a lively yet strangely twisted waltz. The music sounded fantastic! Yet, it left pins of discomfort in the audience's spine. It was perfect.
The music continued to play and amidst all the lively sounds, Tom's footsteps ran past me into the ring and I knew that the show had officially begun.
I heard the greeting that he had practised so many times before and I could tell he was putting as much energy and personality in his attitude as he possibly could, "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! Welcome to the first-ever performance at the Nočne Mačke! We're all glad you decided to come and see us; I am your host, TomCat, I am the leader of these lovely flying cats and I'm sure we won't disappoint you in tonight's performance... so without further ado, let me show you our prestigious puzzling conglomeration of oddities..."
I quietly whispered to myself how the show would commence in order to keep myself focused, "Tom backs into the shadows while the twins cross the ring on the trapeze." My whispers were soon accompanied by the sound of the curtains shifting slightly and Tom's feet shuffling against the dirt. The band played a grand fanfare as the whoosh of the trapeze sounded. The audience exclaimed in awe and cheered for the twins.
"Twins continue on the trapeze... FatCat runs out. He blows fire in their direction," I continued to whisper. The heavy footsteps of the strong man passed by on cue, followed by the spray of fire and the whoosh of the trapeze again. The audience was still clapping and cheering as the acts continued, coming on stage in quick succession and never once killing the energy and always keeping the guests on the edge of their seats.
I continued to whisper out the progression of the show so that I could know when my part was coming up. My whispers kept my mind off of my nervousness and I was able to easily calm down by the time my part came, I was ready.
The lights dimmed again and the band began to slow down and they played a low, ominous tune. The audience grew quiet, bewildered by the sudden change in mood. Tomcat sauntered eerily on stage and not before long, I heard him speak my introduction, "Now... citizens of Connecticut... What I'm about to show you may seem completely normal-" The cage began to move and I knew BeastCat was pushing me out into the ring. The light from the spotlight showed through the black fabric that covered me and I began to grow anxious again- "What you're about to see may be almost anticlimactic. You might think to yourself 'how can someone so young and small do such a thing'? Well, I have an answer for you, and it may be startling at first, but believe me... she's real."
BeastCat stopped the cage next to TomCat and I heard her saunter off.
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... I present to you, a most unholy demon..."
The crowd began to murmur amongst themselves; however, TomCat continued, "Not just any demon, though... She was once an innocent girl; full of life, happiness, and the goodness of God. However, she is of the best examples that show just how powerful the devil's corruption can be... now, she's here at this circus, for your entertainment... witness this young, villainous prodigy as she successfully bemuses and appals you!"
Tom pulled off the cover with a grand theatrical gesture and paused for a moment as the audience craned their necks to get a closer look at me. The sight of the many faces and countless eyes staring intently at me froze me to the spot and I stared back, petrified in fear. Tom unlocked the cage but I didn't react, I was still frozen stiff. The audience watched as Tom ungloved one of his hands and carefully held it out for me, teasing the people into thinking I would attack him. However, rather than biting his fingers off, as some might've expected, he instead snapped his fingers to call me back to reality and I immediately took his hand.
Still, dumbstruck with fear, he pulled me out of the cage and escorted me on top of it. I sat there awkwardly, still gazing around at all the hundreds of faces and wanting to disappear. Tom motioned to me as if I were a grand spectacle to be beheld and he announced, "Guests of the circus... I introduce to you all... Demon! The beast girl of the Nočne Mačke!" I quite liked how he hyped me up to be this horribly changed human girl with horns or vicious fangs and glowing red eyes when in reality I was just as normal as everyone else... or so they thought. I could hear his intended reaction in the audience as they murmured in puzzlement or surprise by my seemingly innocent appearance.
"Demon!" Tom called loud enough for the audience to hear and I looked to him, awaiting my orders like a trained dog, "Scorpion."
"Scorpion" was the first of a series of words Tom would yell to tell me what to do; much like, "sit", "stay" or "heel". He would yell it out, I would perform the trick, and in return, he would either add in something to advance the trick or give me a piece of cheese as a reward.
Obediently, I stood and performed my easiest trick without hesitation; I balanced precariously on my hands with my feet hung over my head and my spine was seemingly broken in half. The crowd exclaimed in awe again as Tom motioned to me, cueing for praise from the audience. He went on once they settled down.
He pulled out three juggling pins from a compartment underneath the cage and held them up for everyone to see. Then, as delicately as possible, he set the pins on the tops of my feet. He let them balance there and just as I was beginning to breathe heavily and sweat from holding the uncomfortable position for so long, he took the pins off and handed me a square of cheese.
I ate the small morsel without leaving my position and Tom quickly followed up with a second order.
"Demon..." Tom announced firmly, "Tightrope."
Taking a deep breath, I raised my feet back into a handstand before promptly lowering them into the splits above my head. I was proud of myself for this trick, as it had taken me forever to finally accomplish it.
Tom handed me a second piece of cheese after I held the position for a good few seconds and he was about to give me a third order when a noise from backstage momentarily distracted me. It was a massive crash and I quickly returned to my usual crouch to look back at the curtains in curiosity. The audience clearly heard it as well, for their eyes were also looking in that direction.
"Ignore it, pay attention to the show," Tom muttered, patting the top of my cage in front of me to redirect my attention. Reluctantly, I obeyed and Tom gave me the order to pull my legs up and across my shoulders like a pretzel. All the while, crashes and yells could be heard backstage and the audience was beginning to mumble about the odd occurrence.
Still, Tom kept his mind focused on the act and he continued with my act. Be that as it may, it wasn't long before the distractions became too much and the cause of the problem soon showed itself.
From out of the backstage area, Hercules the lion came bounding out, his maw open and drooling and his eyes angry from being caged up all day. I heard Tom gasp in utter fear and he stammered to find his words.
The other tamers came filing out through the curtain, pursuing the lion with whips and long pokers. I could tell they were attempting to improvise this mishap into the show, but their panic was obvious and Tom's clear terror wasn't helping the situation. I, myself, was petrified; even more so than I was of the audience. People's lives were in danger now and that reality haunted me.
"Tom!" I squeaked.
"Tae, you have to run! Get out of here!" Tom urged quietly, but his voice was higher and shaky and knowing he was just as scared as I was made me even more unwilling to leave. The tamers all attempted to herd the lion back into the backstage area, but the wild beast wasn't having any of it. He roared ferociously and ran at the tamers, swiping his great paws in their direction as if to strike them down.
"Tae! Fecking go!" Tom urged, grabbing me around the waist pulling me off the cage in an attempt to get me going. I finally forced my shaky legs to run and I sprinted as fast as I could towards the backstage curtains. My small, quick frame must've caught the lion's eye, for no sooner had I started running, did the lion begin to bound after me. The tamers' exclamations of warning caused me to turn around and, upon seeing the sight of the monstrous lion chasing after me, I panicked and ran faster.
I was no match for the beast's speed and the moment I felt the lion's paws strike my back and the weight of him pressing down on my chest, I knew this would surely be it. My instincts began to kick in and I screamed and flailed around to be free. I used all of my strength to push the lion's giant maw away from me and I kicked as hard as I could at his throat.
My hold on my own consciousness seemed to fade the more I acted upon my mindless instinct. The world blurred around me and nothing else seemed to matter except my goal of being free. It wasn't long before I lost the ability to control myself and I was simply nothing more than a raging, growling, screaming fit. I could feel myself clawing desperately and attacking the lion but I couldn't see it, or I couldn't remember it.
The whole circus was alive with the sound of panicked screaming and the cracking of whips that all came together in a Hellish hum that deafened me. I was still focused on escaping the lion's maw, but for some reason, I have the vaguest memory of being on my feet and pursuing the beast. I wasn't quite sure, and I'm still not quite sure. Everything was so blurry and disorienting I had no clue what was happening anymore.
The ear-splitting screams of the guests seemed to grow louder, accompanied by the desperate cries of the tamers and loud roaring. I ignored it all, as the sounds were so mixed and warped that I barely focused on it. I continued, I persisted, I was focused on nothing but escaping the lion. I had practically blacked out and I never once came to until everything looked red and a faint wetness on my skin knocked my mind slowly into reality.
When I had come to, the tent was now silent. I looked around and what remained of the audience that had fled were now packed up in the furthest row in the stands. Their eyes were wide with horror and their mouths were agape. No one moved a muscle, too afraid to do anything. I looked over to the tamers and they all had similar expressions, including TomCat. But none of them were staring at the lion that I had thought was tranquilised and carried away... no... they were staring directly at me.
Confused and with fear building deep in my gut, I looked down at myself and at my hands. My heart sank when I saw that they were absolutely drenched in deep red blood. My lovely blue costume had been splattered and stained and at my feet, there was a large puddle of blood surrounding me. It didn't take me too long to realise that, not only did I successfully escape the lion's grasp... I had killed him.
I stood in front of Hercules' body and the blood from his horribly mutilated neck was staining the dirt floor and soaking my bare feet. The realisation hit me and I was lost for words; what could I say to justify what I did in the first place? I murdered BeastCat's beloved lion! And now, she was forced to stare helplessly at her poor cat's corpse.
"What the hell have you done?" One of the tamers, who I found was BearCat, asked shakily. He was the first to speak and after him, more tamers gained their words.
"You truly are a monster!" AdventureCat exclaimed.
"What are you!? Some sort of blood-driven freak!?" Lion wondered, his thick brow furrowed so intently, I could barely see the anger in his eyes. The tamers' words and their fear of me sunk deep into my skin and I soon began to cry.
"I'm sorry!" I whimpered, but it was no use.
"You... you killed my lion!! You CRAZY, EVIL, DISGUSTING SON OF A BITCH!!" BeastCat wailed, tears were flooding her eyes and cheeks and she was red with fury. Her whole body was quivering with a mixture of violent rage and sorrow. Her harsh words and the pure hatred in her voice made me crumble even more and I cried harder.
I wanted to run from all of them. I was scared of their enraged glares, I was scared of the fear they had of me, I was scared of myself. I was frightened by what I was, or what I had become. I didn't want to face the truth.
"YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO HELL WHERE YOU CAME FROM!!" BeastCat screamed and I retreated towards TomCat, hoping beyond hope that he would still provide protection despite what I did.
Unfortunately, my comfort did not come and I was thrown into more heartbreak and confusion. TomCat saw me coming and purely out of instinct, he backed away and shoved me away with his cane; there was a look of not only fear but anger as well. I fell back against the dirt and sat there for a while, crying as I felt my innocent little heart die and shatter within my chest.
"No, no, no! Tom! Please!" I cried, begging for him to come to his senses and not be afraid of me. He never did. Instead, he backed away from me towards the tamers with his cane out in front of him like a weapon.
"Please! I'm not a monster!" I sobbed, watching as the tamers huddled around the ringmaster and talked quietly, all of them giving me cautious glances as if I would attack them at a moment's notice.
I continued to sob, apologising with all my heart and begging them to please forgive me. They never once answered and in my desperation, I got up and ran towards TomCat. The tamers all exclaimed in surprise and the very moment my small hands grasped Tom's tailcoat and I tugged it to gain his attention, the young man swivelled around in surprise and smacked me away.
I fell back again and hit my head on the dirt floor below. The hit dazed me and I could no longer find the power within me to fight back when the tamers took me by the arms and pulled me backstage...