I wake up the next morning feeling this mix of excitement and dread. It's been a while since anything negative has ever happened between me and Taisei. So I'm hoping that today is when things get turned back around to normal.
As usual, I get myself ready for school. It's just my everyday routine, but with the added knowledge that today's not like every other day. Even though all I plan on doing is coming over to their house to try and make things right. There's a feeling in my head that everything is about to change forever.
I don't like that. I want things to stay the same, but this really is just a matter of everyone growing up. Everything is moving along so quickly that I hardly have time to catch my breath. Nobody told me that high school was going to be this way. All this makes me powerless in my efforts to get what I want.
"Oh, hi…" When I knock on the door, it's Taisei who comes to answer. He didn't expect my arrival after what happened yesterday. Before the conversation with my parents, I thought I wasn't going to either.
"Hi." I awkwardly wave to him. And this is why I didn't want to go in the first place. There's always that tension when you take the first necessary step. I can only hope my efforts are worth it. "Can we talk?" He nods his head and steps outside to join me. We lean over the railing on his family's porch as we converse.
"Look, don't be worried if I'm mad because I'm not." He informs me. "But it's kind of hurtful to just brush her off like that."
"I didn't mean to do that." I respond. "I was so scared about the idea of it, that I kept focused on denying anything between us." It was all an accident. I didn't want him to misunderstand my intentions with his sister, regardless of whether he wanted it or not. "It's why I didn't answer your question yesterday. I didn't want to give off the wrong impression one way or another."
"Then I'll try asking it this way." He says. "You wouldn't be against the idea of dating her? If someone wanted to go out with her, then you'd say she would make for a good girlfriend?"
"Yes, definitely." I answer his question with much more confidence. "I've known her for years. So I know any guy is more than fortunate if they fell in love with her." I still have the same worry from before. That a lot of boys around my age likely wouldn't be interested in her due to her looks. However, all it takes is one, right? Just one person who takes a chance and sees what I see in her everyday.
"Good answer." He pats me on the back. "If you said no, I might have to end our friendship." Judging from his tone, I can tell he's joking. I guess I was overreacting about the response to his question. It felt as though it put our long time friendship on the line, when I should've been more focused on being honest. "Now come inside, I made breakfast for all of us."
"Is this supposed to be my punishment?" I groan and slouch as I follow him inside. I'll still have breakfast with them, but I'm not going to be happy about it. On the bright side, the better outcome did occur for me to reach this point.
Not that everything is so peachy keen. While I can chat with Taisei without issue. Breakfast with Juria is quieter than usual. Not to mention our seating arrangement where I sit in the middle has been broken. She's made sure to keep her distance from me with Taisei getting between us. Now I know for certain I've done something to upset her, and it's painfully obvious what it is.
The way I didn't get off of her on her bed. All I did was just view her like she was nothing more than a piece of meat. Anyone would take offense to what I did to her, even if I wasn't thinking of it in that moment.
The image of her vulnerable body flashes again in my mind. I wish it was nothing more than a mistake I could take back. However, at the same time, I get this feeling of wanting more. It wasn't enough to just see her laying on the bed like that. It wasn't enough to get a close look of her face.
What's wrong with me? I've barely been in high school and I'm already turning into a pervert? My parents would be disappointed if that was the case. Worst of all, I'd be disappointing Juria. She's great guide growing up. It would be a shame if what was essentially her surrogate younger brother turned out to be so disrespectful.
This distance between us continues to stay as we make our way to school. This wasn't how I imagined our walk to high school to be like. After spending months waiting in anticipation, we're now in a position worse than before. It's driving me mad. I'm going crazy, just wanting to close our gap. Both emotionally and physically.
There I go again being weird about it. I think it's Taisei's words that's gotten into me. I shouldn't be into Juria, it's not okay. She's basically like my older sister, even if we're not related by blood. If you factor in my dad's teasing, why does no one else take issue with it? Am I really the only one who feels this way?
It gets me real bothered even after we separate into our different classes. My body is all tight as I sit down and peer across the room. My eyes wander around, scanning my classmates. I don't even feel comfortable in my own body sitting here. Likely because I should've tried talking to Juria like I did with Taisei.
But it's not so simple. At least with him, I knew what to say by then. With her… How do I explain myself? Things are a mess because I acted without thinking. My emotions took control of myself instead of my mind. She hates me, that must be what's going through her mind. But I don't want her to hate me. I can't live with the thought that Juria would hate me.
The rest of class goes on by like a blur. I suppose the early day excitement has worn down for me. So I'm no longer drinking in every moment. High school has begun cementing itself into me as an everyday occurrence. Same goes for everyone else around me.
The only issue for me now is just what's going on with Juria. I need to think of something to say to her, anything to get her to respond. An apology is obviously in order. One that should've been made this morning, but I was too scared to do so. I'll do it some time during the second break. Lunch time would be better for me, but she'll want to eat with her friends first.
At least, that was my plan. However, as I return to my desk from the bathroom as lunch started. I see a note left on my desk. Someone put it here while I was gone. When I asked Taisei about it, he only responded by telling me I'll only know who it was if I go to where the person asks me to meet them. It was then I knew that this was no ordinary note.
It was to be the first time I'd ever be confessed to.