Carramel's POV
I expect James and Sloan to jump at my anxious offer, and they almost do, James' eyes flashing black before they're forced back to his soothing green much to my confusion.
"I can't do this, Carramel." He starts sighing in what seems like frustration and tears prick my eyes as I force down a whine at the rejection. "I need to know what happened first." He continues before he looks up at me with worried but determined eyes.
And of course my blood runs cold. For once, instead of trying to help like he's been trying to, Jessie is just there in the back of my mind, only watching the one time I need something to say.
"I don't understand why this is so important." I stress my eyes blurring at the memories that come crashing into my mind, the little hole in my chest aching at the thought of that day.
"Of course it's important, Carramel, you're suppressing your wolf which is selfish, rude and dangerous. Before Sloan and I get anywhere near her we need to know what happened so we can protect ourselves and you." He exclaims, running his hands through his hair as he argues his point.
I look away from James, taking my glasses off my face and setting them on the table, tired of seeing the world right now. As much as I could just scream that he's wrong and just ignore everything he's saying, he's right. So it's finally time to tell him how Jessie is responsible for me being left alone in the world.
"I grew up in the typical American household." I start, my voice weak as I expose a part of myself that I always beat down into submission, ignoring the tears that fall across my skin. "I had both parents and a sister and they were perfect. My mom was a human nurse that worked at the hospital in town, my dad was a wolf who stupidly got something stuck in his arm and he needed it pulled out so it could heal. Typical movie love story."
I pause, voice thick from the memories begging to choke me and fling me back into that day, but I hold steady. I can't have an anxiety attack, not in front of James.
I take a deep breath, pulling my legs up into my chest and resting my chin on my knees before I continue. "My sister was three years older than me. A lot of people claim they hate their siblings but she was perfect. When I got picked on for being small and before I met my wolf, she was always there, ready to fight and pick and defend me. Goddess she was so perfect." Tears are streaming freely down my cheeks now, the pain in my chest rising to where it's hard to breath.
"Breath, Carramel. If it's that hard we can revisit this another day." James soothes trying to calm me by giving me an out but all it does is make me feel worse.
"No, I have to get this out." I say, turning to him, my hands shaking with anxiety so I pull them underneath the table and away from his eyes. "It's not fair to Sloan and you that you haven't met Jessie and you said you need to know."
Though I can tell that he's anything less than happy at the moment, he gives a tight nod, his lips thinning into a line.
"I was eleven when it happened, I had just gotten into middle school and Kara had just started high school. We had been planning to go to the beach for the weekend, and my family was going between the living room and the driveway, packing stuff up. I was a small kid but I wanted to be independent, I'm guessing that was the dominance of my wolf showing back then, so I had told my parents that I could pack my own bag.
"I had forgotten my goggles so I ran back in the house and to the storage closet in the back, and went inside to climb up the shelves and reach them. And while I was in there … I heard shots. It wasn't all at once, there were two outside and I heard men talking about grabbing everything they could. I turned towards the door and saw my sister close it tightly with tears streaming down her face. Even in her last moments, she was still trying to protect me …"
I stop, my body shaking from the force of holding back my tears. I bury my face in to my legs and sob into them, barely hearing James scoot out of his seat and pick me up, setting me softly on to his lap. His arms wrap around my body softly and begins to rock me until I'm calm enough to continue the story of the day that broke me.
"I was about to open the closet and go help, but Jessie … Jessie took over and forced me into the background of my consciousness. She pulled our body behind a suitcase and sat there and hid while our family was murdered and our home was invaded. She let Kara die, all because she was scared." I finish, spitting out the last sentence, the familiar hate crawling up my skin and body and settling in an enraged blush.
I try to look for Jessie in my mind, and finally feel her, the wolf sitting down against a mental wall, legs bend and head leaned back, not defending herself as usual but I'm too angry to care.
James is silent as he rocks me and I feel him take a breath a few times as if he wants to say something but he keeps quiet, which I appreciate. I snuggle into his warm chest, sniffling quietly as my tears slow down and he begins to pull me into a calm states.
A few minutes go by and I'm almost half asleep by the time James decides to finally speak up. "How old were you when this happened?" He asks and I frown leaning my head off his chest to give him a dirty look.
"I told you I was eleven. Were you listening?" I ask sassily, a little annoyed with the question.
"Of course I was listening. This is more for your benefit than mine. Just answer my questions." He tells me and I roll my eyes, over this whole day as I settle my fluttering hands in my lap. I nod my head in compliance and he continues. "And you were a small wolf who had only just started learning to shift, correct?" He asks me.
"Well, yeah." I answer softly, still confused on where this is going. "Since I'm only half werewolf, if took me longer than others to learn how to shift and get my wolf."
James nods his head and takes a deep breath as if knowing what he's about to say next will get him in trouble. Nothing in the world could prepare me for the words that fall from his mouth and into my lap. "Carramel what would you have done if Jessie hadn't taken over?" He asks and I lift my head up to look at him so fast, I get an uncomfortable crick in my neck.
"I would have helped them!" I say, annoyed at such a dumb question.
"Your parents were gone, you said it was multiple men with guns and you only just learned how to shift and bean, you were a child. What would you have done if you left that closet and walked out into danger?" He asks and the way he phrases it makes me want to cry and punch him and telling him he's twisting my words and emotions. But he's not.
The point he's trying to make if that if my eleven year old half-breed wolf would have went out here … I would have joined my family. I would have died.
"I know you think Jessie is to blame for that day, but she was trying to protect you. It's the men who came in and took everything from you. Your wolf tried to save at least one thing for you, your life. And you might say dying would have been better but then you wouldn't have Taylor and Enza or Sloan and I. I know one conversation can't fix years worth of resentment but just think about it, okay?" He says and I feel absolutely lost.
In all my years, the only person I've ever blamed was Jessie and Jessie alone, her being the only one that I could physically and verbally put them blame on. And not once had I ever tried to think of it that way. Not once did Jessie try to defend herself or give a reason.
'Why?' I ask her, tears again streaming down my face.
She sighs, body not moving as she answers me. 'Anger was the only thing keeping you going. If you couldn't hate me, there was no one you could blame except yourself. And I would never let that happen.' She tells me and my sobs come harder as the reality of what happened comes crashing down on me.
I've been punishing my wolf for five years for something she didn't even do. She tried to protect me and save my life and all I did was throw it back in her face.
James takes my hands from my face and lifts it, kissing me all over to sooth me but I can't. Too torn and mad at myself for what I've done. And to my irritation, I feel my body begin to heat back up, another wave of sexual tension washing through my body.
I turn to James with pleading eyes. "Does Sloan still want to talk to Jessie? I can't handle another wave right now." I tell him, panic clear in my voice as an anxiety attack runs me down, fear of trying to make sense of life and having to deal with constant sex, choking me.
"Sloan still wants to. Is Jessie okay with that?" He asks, holding my face lovingly.
Before I can even ask, Jessie is already there, suddenly, her mind sending soothing words to my own. 'I'll be fine. Get some rest, Carramel.' She tells me and I nod to James.
"Okay, bean. Just get some rest, our wolves will take care of us." He tells me and gives me one last kiss that sends my body sparking before I close my eyes and drift back, allowing Jessie, for the first time in five years, to move forward and take control.