"Forbear to judge, for we are sinners all."
"So this is it, the silence."
Late at night, in the light of the shining moon, Tomoyuki looked pityingly at himself through the mirror. He was unsure of himself, hovering in his thoughts and dreaming hopelessly of one decision and another. He made the fatal mistake of thinking he could get by with the usual hatred of Ryou and the others, but ended up unwittingly recognizing them as his friends.
By rejecting the facts, he was rejecting his essence. It was this that made him realize that he, who hated two-faced people, had become one of them.
That day he declined their offer to visit Glenn's chamber with them.
On a call from Yumiko, though, he decided to accept the offer to meet tomorrow afternoon and go to the diner with all the members. Glenn, clearly, could not go.
Tomorrow afternoon, coming just as quickly as their meeting, began for the friendly campaign with the cafe. The noticeable cold outside forced the residents to put on their winter clothes.
They chatted about everything, with no restrictions on their choice of topics of conversation, which meant about strengthening their friendship, but only Tomoyuki alone seemed less talkative than the others. His distressed state was hidden under the guise of a hard face, which confused Ryou every time he looked back at him.
As they left the restaurant, they decided to take a walk through an unaccustomedly uninhabited neighborhood where no one was walking besides them. There was no car traffic either, and the only noise coming from the street was from the members of the club.
At one point Tomoyuki slowed down unnoticed by them. His darkened eyes stared down, drilling into a single innocuous point, causing him to stop without making a sound. Ryou, who had been listening to Akiko's cheerful conversation, glanced at him worriedly and stopped.
Akiko was silent halfway through the conversation, and in the same instant the pleasant ambience hovering over the two girls faded away.
"Tomoyuki-kun, is something wrong?" Yumiko asked in a low tone, whereupon Tomoyuki raised his gaze.
But the boy was silent. So did Ryou, who seemed more serious. Akiko pressed her hand to her mouth, seeing Tomoyuki's unexpressive eyes.
"Tomoyuki-kun, answer! What's troubling you? Explain it to us, please!"
"Tell us," Ryou drilled him with his hard gaze, "what's going on with you."
Tomoyuki was genuinely happy inside to be worried about him, though he didn't move his lips.
"I'm tired. Tired of playing the role of the protagonist in my story. Tired of worrying and wondering if I'm doing the right thing — I'm tired of it all. I want to be a... a minor character, so I don't have to worry about any problems and just close my eyes. I've made a lot of mistakes, so… I want to take a break."
"What do you mean…?" Yumiko tried to find some topic to cool Tomoyuki down. "Why don't we sit down somewhere? Let's talk about it thoroughly!"
"I can't take it anymore. Why are you being so nice to me?"
"That's what we'll discuss!" Akiko entered. "Let us help you—"
"I'm sorry, Akiko-chan, but I can't take it anymore. I have made sure that I should put a point right now, for I am in agony, and my time has come."
He drew a silver revolver sharply from his jacket pocket and put the muzzle to his temple. His desperate eyes opened wide and his teeth gritted in uncertainty. The friends were confused by this antics. They didn't wonder where a teenager their age could get a revolver — they cared about the life of a friend who was on the cusp of death.
"I want to throw it all away and redeem myself!"
"Don't be silly!" Ryou puzzled, exclaiming. His voice was hoarse from the intense strain.
"I have come to this decision! If I want to end it all and free myself from the torment that has been plaguing me all my life, it's easier to end it on this very note! Right now…"
"Hold your horses, you could have done it sooner! I'll never believe you decided right in front of us!"
Ryou didn't know what else he had to say. Yumiko stood with her mouth covered like she was paralyzed. All her friends' thoughts were dulled.
"That's exactly why I've decided to end this right now! I, looking at you, realize that I don't deserve any of what you provide me. I don't deserve your kindness for obvious reasons — I've been intent on hurting you from the very beginning of our mutual acquaintance!"
"Why are you so sure…" uttered Akiko, "of the rightness of your choice? Do you want to die before our eyes, so that we too may suffer…?"
"I am not sure of anything, just as I am not sure of myself. The past cannot be forgotten, it is like a stigma with which I am condemned to live for the rest of my days. I've caused you so much trouble that no more apologies will do! Therefore, Akiko-chan, explain to me, if you count the amount of harm done to you, what is the difference in the following?"
"If you put the weapon back," Ryou said, "then you can get by with an apology! We'll forgive you, don't you get that? How can you not understand that by shooting yourself you will only make things worse!"
"I could have pulled the trigger before, you're right! But I was scared… I thought I might be wrong, shooting yesterday, the day before. So I wanted to see how wrong I was. Your happy faces and your presence with me… made me realize that in hoping to destroy one man's dignity, he destroys his own."
"Please stop!" Yumiko shouted, knowing that no other faces could hear them. "Don't do this… don't hurt yourself! You won't change anything that way. If you come with us, however, we can surely help you, for that is how we are fortunate enough to be friends!"
"I always used to doubt whether I should harm you at all. Now I hate the real me for my actions, so I had better stop like this before I commit more sins… I can't go on, forgive me, but you won't convince me… There is no logic in what I have done, I know, but I don't want to meet another end, for I deserve only this one…"
"Is that how you treat your friends?!" treated Ryou with disdain. "No, since you have tried to harm us, we are nothing but enemies to you! It does not matter, for now you are evading your responsibility. Before the eyes of your enemies, whom you only falsely called friends…"
"Ryou-kun…"
"You were true friends to me," Tomoyuki said.
When Tomoyuki's finger placed on the trigger moved, it seemed that time had stopped for them, that every moment felt like a heartbreaking stream of infinity.
"Since I can't be right, let Russian roulette decide my life."
A smile flashed across his bewildered face.
And he pressed the trigger.
There was a squeak that indicated that no shot had been fired. The cylinder of the six-shot revolver had an unknown number of cartridges for them (except for Tomoyuki), so they were shocked that he had actually pulled the trigger. He was unlucky enough to shoot himself.
Immediately afterward, Tomoyuki pulled the trigger again without straining. The gun did not fire, and the drum rotated serenely toward the next chamber. The trio realized that Tomoyuki wasn't going to stop, and Ryou, regaining his senses, reached out for him.
Tomoyuki pulled the trigger a third time, but the shot never came. With each unsuccessful attempt, he shortened the interval between shots.
Tomoyuki, unable to resist Ryou's onslaught, pulled the trigger one more time before being pushed away and having his weapon removed. In fact, Tomoyuki himself wished it had happened. The shot was not fired again.
Ryou deftly snatched the weapon from his hand, knocking Tomoyuki to the ground, whereupon Yumiko and Akiko immediately ran after their fallen friend, whose face showed nothing but shock.
"I couldn't…" he said hoarsely, and the embrace of two girls collapsed over his shaking body.
"Tomoyuki-kun, why on earth… Tomoyuki-kun…" Yumiko heated up. The pink-haired girl couldn't hold back her tears either.
Tomoyuki despaired when he saw their face, and realized the consequences if he had shot himself. But the presumed consequences after the failed attempt frightened him even more — he was in pain to think straight.
"Our hearts would have been shattered… Why are you doing this to us?"
"How do you think we would endure your death…?"
"Stay with us, we ask for nothing more… It is only what we wish for!"
Ryou opened the cylinder of the six-shot revolver and saw one empty chamber before the bullet would be fired, followed by the actual shot.
'Lucky you,' he thought, and noticed his hands shaking with fear.
"I didn't do it consciously… in desperation I couldn't think of anything else," Tomoyuki couldn't stand the tears. "Please forgive me…even though I don't deserve an apology…"
"You shoot twice more and your head would have been blown to pieces," a low tone descended from Ryou's lips.
"Ryou-kun, stop it!" Akiko looked at him grudgingly.
"Yes I understand… But what else can I say?"
Ryou ran off into a dark, cramped corner, seeing several trash cans there. Throwing his weapon at them with all his might, he fell right inside the farthest bin. Ryou excelled at aiming and throwing.
"Just so the cameras don't see us," he thought, "so that the case is dispensed with suspicion."
***
Their conversation with Glenn at the hospital yesterday, when Tomoyuki was not present.
Glenn looked out the ajar window, through which the bitter, crimson sunset was in full view, and, thinking inside himself, took his time telling the club members what had been happening to Tomoyuki all this year of training.
Without gaps, he told everything he could know about the teenager's intentions, but he dared not illuminate them all, for the point of view about Tomoyuki was based on mere assumptions. So Glenn left it to the others to find out by discussing it with Tomoyuki himself.
Ryou looked exasperated.
"Why the hell has he been so mean to us all along!"
He, extremely worried about his social circle and friendship, didn't bother to contain his feelings. This reaction was normal for people in a friend's hospital room.
Yumiko and Akiko, on the other hand, sat in silence and looked depressed, after which Akiko admitted her complicity.
"Please, let's discuss this with Tomoyuki over a cup of tea! I don't ask for anything more, because we've been deceiving you all this time, and there's no excuse for that… But still, let me and Tomoyuki tell you everything! And then… do as you see fit…"
Ryou couldn't think that Akiko was involved in Tomoyuki's atrocities.
"I have come to my senses and know that I no longer wish to harm our friendship, for I have realized that I have met the very people with whom I am not sorry to enjoy my burdens. Tomoyuki-kun is probably of the same opinion!"
"Akiko-chan, and you participated in this farce…?" came out a hoarse voice from Ryou's mouth, distressed by what he had heard. "How could you do such a thing? It turns out… our entire friendship was just a deception?"
A single deception. This phrase Ryou began to repeat to himself, losing any expression on his face.
"I think it would be better to discuss at the same table!" the brown-eyed schoolgirl responded, cooling Ryou's thoughts. "I'll forgive you, whatever it costs me," she took her friend's hands. "Akiko-chan, do you really consider us your friends?"
"Absolutely… Yumiko-chan, I'm so sorry you have to hear that…"
Yumiko turned her head to Ryou and asked his opinion.
Shakily, he added: "Are you kidding…? How can I break our bond of friendship? I'm overcome with doubt and hatred right now… but I also think we should discuss everything at the same table."
"It's settled, then," Glenn said. "I have to leave the rest to you. I'm sorry I won't be able to attend with you."
"You had something to do with it, too," Ryou measured him with his frown. "By withholding from us the whole truth about both yourself and what's going on behind the scenes, don't think you'll get away with an apology."
"I see where you're going with this," Glenn grinned harmlessly. "It was all for friends."
Soon lowering his eyes, he added, with a more serious tone: "To ruin our relationship, I wouldn't want that. Alas, friendship binds us the most. We have all changed. I'm sure Tomoyuki-kun thinks so too. So, please help him."
According to him, Tomoyuki could have thrown out anything, because he was alone, not daring to let out all the steam he had built up and speak out to his loyal friends.
"Certainly we'll talk to him, who do you read us as?" Ryou said firmly, raising his gaze.
"Of course, I have no doubt…"
"We are friends, after all."