I was unsure of how long we walked or where exactly we were going but I did not have much room inside my brain to care. I was so absorbed in my thoughts that even my curiosity as to where we were headed or what we would see next had almost disappeared. From time to time I would look up to realize that we had not teleported anywhere and that we were still in the desert but other than that not much mattered.
"You seem to be a million miles away my dear. What has your thoughts that occupied?" Abraham asked as He walked beside me.
I took in a deep breath and released it in a sigh wondering how best to put my jumbled thoughts out. In the end, I just decided to toss it all out and let Him untangle the mess. After all, He was God.
"I was thinking of many things and I am not sure they are all connected but they keep turning inside my head like a windmill and I cannot make sense of all the emotions coursing inside."
"All right, well, let´s hear all of them. Maybe the two of us can work better than you on your own. In any case, we have a long way ahead."
"You mean we are walking all the way to wherever you are taking me next?" I asked a bit shocked.
"Yes, we are walking all the way because it will give you enough time to work through the thoughts and sentiments brought on by tonight´s events and will prepare you for what´s coming next. It also allows us to have some time to speak and bond, don´t you think? So, before you start downloading your emotions from tonight, let me ask you, why did you call out for Me and for My help back at the house? What had your heart so tortured?"
I looked down at my intertwined hands feeling the stress rising as my memory brought back the relentless accusation and the devilish prosecutor back in my room. I released a sigh to try and help myself.
"I´m pretty sure You already know all of this, Abraham, but I think You wish for me to voice it all out so it can help me. So, here it goes. For the past several days, ever since I visited my hospital room and saw the disaster that my son has turned into, I have felt endless torment. To make matters worse, this leech spirit has seen it fit to increase my torture by relentlessly accusing me and making me think that I am not worth Your love and much less Your forgiveness. I know it is stupid to listen to him and I know all he wants is to harm me, but the memory of my son, the knowledge of the pain my selfish decision brought to my family, and that constant nagging weakened me. Yesterday, or maybe the day before yesterday, I am not sure of the time now, I found myself at the breaking point and I began to beg for You to save me, to help me."
Abraham did not say anything after I finished and I nervously peered up at Him to see what His reaction would be.
"What did the accuser tell you exactly?" Abraham finally said as He looked straight in front of us. I knew He knew this but I still found myself wishing to tell Him.
"He said that I should give up, that I should go down and tell You I was done with this entire adventure because there was nothing that could save me. He stressed the fact that I was a waste of space, of Your time, and that You would never be able to love me because of what I did. He dug and dug his fingers into that painful wound until I began to feel overwhelmed."
"And why is that? Why would you feel overwhelmed, Emily?" Abraham asked as He looked at me. His question stopped me in my tracks and He stopped at the same time I did. We looked at each other and as my eyes penetrated His, I began to realize where He wanted to lead me. He needed me to recognize the true reason why I had allowed the devil´s accusations to get the better of me.
"Because… because I still cannot fully believe I deserve forgiveness," I finally said as my head lowered in shame.
A gentle hand suddenly came to my chin and brought my eyes back to Abraham´s.
"You still doubt I can love you despite your faults, don´t you? You still think My love for you and for all humankind is tied to your worth, don´t you?"
I began flapping my arms by my sides. What could I answer to that? It was true, it was not possible for me to understand this amazing Person, God, could love me for me regardless of the trimmings I had. I did not understand how someone like Him could love me or any human being for that matter simply because. I began to wonder how many of us, humans, thought that way and how that way of thinking was at the bottom of how we related ourselves with God and with life.
"What else is on your mind? What caught your attention most of all about tonight?" Abraham asked changing the topic of our conversation all of a sudden. I scrambled a bit for an answer.
"Wow, that´s a radical change in topic, but, I guess… the look in Joseph´s eyes."
"Would that be before the baby was born? Or after?"
"I would say both. You see, when I think of Mary I can understand her eyes and the emotions as a mother. However, Joseph was only Jesus´s stepfather and the charge he received from You was not small. I mean, not only did he receive a pregnant woman for a wife and accept Your word through Your angel that this baby was not the product of an affair but he also had to take on the challenge of leading a pregnant young woman through the desert only to find no decent place to shelter in while she delivered. How hard could it have been for a young man from a time when men were expected to provide and protect to have to move with his pregnant wife and then arrive in a place where he could not offer her a safe and decent place to deliver her baby? But what really got to me was that despite all the odds against him and how hard the situation was his eyes shone with absolute trust in You. He was not looking sour or disgruntled as would be expected for such a harsh situation but rather peaceful and sure that all would be okay. So his eyes before the birth struck me because of that. And then once he held the tiny baby in his arms I was struck by the hope and the undiluted joy but most of all by the love that shone through."
"How can a man who has absolutely no blood tie to a baby feel such pure love? How can a parent love a child that is not biologically his or hers? How can an absolute stranger give his or her life for another?"
"What? What has that got to do with Joseph?"
"Love Emily, pure and simple love, without a reason for being or a purpose behind it is the answer to what Joseph has to do with anything and why I asked you what interested you most from tonight´s event. You did not choose Mary or the baby´s birth, not even the event of the angels letting the shepherds know of the birth, as what had caught your attention most, but Joseph´s eyes and the emotions that allowed you to see a deeper truth in him.
"Real love, true love, Emily, empowers a person and anchors him or her to a strength that goes beyond and therefore allows that person to face the toughest of circumstances without losing his or her peace of mind. Joseph tapped into God´s essence and that protected him from what could have robbed him of peace. Did the hardship diminish? Was it any easier for him to see his wife in the conditions that she was in? Was it easier for him to receive the baby in those conditions? Was it easy for him to face the rejection of his own people when he needed help the most? No, it was not. But everything took its rightful dimension in light of the force that flows directly from Me. Now ask me what you truly wish to know. Get what tortured you back in your room out of your chest."
Tears sprang up and in a soft and trembling voice, I asked: "Why? Why can You love me the way You do and accept me as I am? It isn´t just my mistake that makes me question You but all of my life. From a very young age, I decided to break away from you and I rejected You time and time again, so how can You still love me?"
Without answering me at first, Abraham took my arms and brought me to Him, enclosing me in His comforting embrace. The tears continued to flow down as sobs burst forth from me.
"There is no reason behind My love Emily. I simply Love you. You see, I am, Emily, I do not need nor do I want for anything. There is nothing that I need from any of you because I am complete in Myself. So, My love is completely selfless. However, do you remember what I told you a while ago? Love can only share itself with another. Love cannot be wrapped in itself or it will turn to selfishness. Love has to be shared and God, in His completeness, desired to share Himself and His love with creatures. Man, you, were the very pinnacle. Why? There is no reason. There is no why there Emily; it just is."
Abraham moved me back a bit and His hands framed my teary face.
"I love you because you are you period. Do I celebrate and accept everything you have ever done? Does My love diminish your errors? No, it does not. But My love for you is completely disconnected from what you have done or not done in your life. There is nothing you need to do or not do to make Me love you. I love you exactly as you are and for who you are. You can neither add nor subtract from Me and your actions or lack thereof neither increase nor decrease My love for you. However, My love makes Me always look for ways to help you because I only want what is best for you. So, in many ways, I try to help you and when you still make mistakes and fall to the ground I extend My hand to bring you back to your feet and I strengthen your weakened legs so you can start again. I do this always, every second of your life because I want you to come back to Me one day. My true objective in your life is to guide you and help you until you can return to Me and enjoy eternal life with Me."
I continued to sob and my hands covered Abraham´s as I held on to Him while my heart constricted with emotions. My heart beat wildly inside my chest as His words penetrated deeper and deeper into me, bringing solace and a soothing balm to my tortured soul. What heart failed to be overcome with feeling when such a One allowed it to see how deeply it was loved and adored?
I launched myself again into Abraham´s arms and sobbed there for a good while.
"Come my child," Abraham finally said as He moved me back from Him once more. "We still have one more event to go through tonight and tomorrow before we can return home. I promise that after this, the accuser will not bother you anymore."
Abraham extended His hand to me and I took it without hesitation like a child that grabs her father´s hand in absolute trust.
The path we had been walking on took us through a mountain range and Abraham led me down towards what I could see was a sprawling city just beyond. I could see massive walls in the night surrounding the city and a lot of activity moving from and to that place. However, our feet soon led us away from the path and Abraham guided me to a most beautiful garden surrounded by olive trees.
"Wow," I said as I looked around me at the trees bathed in the moonlight. "Where are we?"
"You will soon see. Pay close attention once again. Tonight and tomorrow you will see the answer to your last question. How far I will go in My love for you and for all of mankind."
The two of us walked slowly through this gorgeous garden and for some reason, I could not help but draw a parallel to the two gardens back home even though this one had olive trees. Could they be connected?
Suddenly, I began to hear talking not too far from me, and the soft weeping of a man. Driven by curiosity I walked away from Abraham and towards the sound of the weeping man, and I stumbled upon… Emmanuel. He was kneeling on the ground and His body was soaked in sweat while it trembled. He was weeping softly and mumbling something in a tongue I did not recognize and He did not look at me as I approached, so I knew I was seeing another moment in His life.
What probably shocked me the most about the sight before me was that this man, this Jesus, looked incredibly alone, defeated, and frightened, and although I could not understand the language I suspected He was praying with fervor. He was shaking like a leaf despite His strong body and drops of sweat and something much darker – it very much looked like blood or something similar – fell to the ground.
I wanted to go to Him and I wanted to take Him into my arms, to let Him know He was not alone in what I now knew was His trial in the garden of olives, but I understood that it was neither the time nor the place and that I was meant to go through this with Him so I could understand and witness the very Depth of Love. This, Him, was the Depth of Love.
I suddenly became aware of Abraham coming next to me and when I looked into His face I saw the pain also etched there. It became evident to me that what the Son had gone through had also affected the Father and most likely the Spirit as well. Unlike what most of us think, Jesus' ordeal, His sacrifice, had not only affected Him but the Trinity. All Three had decided to sacrifice something in order to save us.
"Father," I heard in my head and I knew that I was hearing Jesus´ words but in my language. "If You are willing, please, let this cup move from Me." Jesus´s eyes went up to heaven pleading and I was struck by the real terror in Him. He was not simply saying those words because. He was truly and mortally afraid of what was to come. No answer came back to His words.
"Father, nevertheless, not My will but Yours be done," Emmanuel concluded His speech, and at that, I saw the appearance of a being very much like the ones I had seen once before only with a more human form who placed its hand on Emmanuel´s shoulder.
Suddenly, Emmanuel rose from the ground where He had been kneeling, and walking like a man who could barely keep himself straight, lumbered over to a group of three men who were leaning against one of the many trees sleeping. I knew that Jesus had said something to the men because I heard Him, but it seemed I did not need to understand Him again because the words were unintelligible again. The men sprang up and looked at their friend worried.
And then I saw a commotion as a very large and new group of armed men came into the garden and apprehended Jesus while His friends fought as valiantly as they could to prevent what was to happen next. When the three saw the soldiers ready to apprehend them, they fled into the night. I looked at Jesus´ eyes and saw that sense of loneliness and abandonment in them again.
The big group with Jesus in their midst began to move while they hit Him over and over again while He offered no resistance and Abraham took my arm to lead me with them.
Not too long afterwards we finally entered the big city and I understood we had reached Jerusalem and knew exactly what I was going to see. Abraham and I followed Emmanuel as He was led – now battered and bleeding from several cuts – towards the very center of the city and to where the Temple stood. Going inside with the entire group, and seeing the chaos that the new arrival generated, I stood to the side with Abraham as Jesus was led to the heart of a court where several men, all looking like rich leaders, gathered.
It amazed me to see the dislike in the eyes of those men and it became apparent to me that they had not only already tried but condemned my friend even before they heard Him. It was then that I understood a part of what Abraham had said earlier. Jesus did not need to suffer and die the way He did and He certainly did not choose it. It was Man who chose the cruelty that befell Him. However, what He chose was to suffer in the same way that we suffer so that He can share that with us as well. He decided to share in the bad as well as the good.
A lot of chaos ensued around me as the men around Emmanuel yelled and encouraged the people around them to cause a ruckus. I saw many coming before a very regal-looking old man, and they yelled and pointed at Emmanuel while the latter said nothing. I saw the soldiers taking up thick ropes and hitting Him over and over anywhere they could reach and causing the most harm, and I also saw them spitting on Him and backhanding Him. With each blow, with the cruelty around me, my heart became more and more overcome with grief.
In the end, after the seemingly endless line of apparent accusers finished, I saw the old man standing up and tearing his cloak aside. After that happened, absolute pandemonium ensued. There was a lot of screaming, pushing, and shoving around, people pointing at one another, and people running to and from the court. In the end, I saw the soldiers, still roughing Emmanuel up, gather Him and lead Him out of the court.
I looked to Abraham to know what we were supposed to go to next and He took my arm and led me out into the night. We did not walk very far and all of a sudden the night transitioned to day in fast forward. The chaos had not decreased in the slightest but rather seemed to go in a crescendo. Abraham took my arm once more and led me to the main street right before the Temple and the Roman palace. People were moving back and forth in their everyday chores, but most were focused on the procession that was leading a bound Emmanuel towards the inner court of the Roman palace.
Abraham and I followed Emmanuel as He moved around with difficulty not only due to the ropes but also to the multiple and ever-increasing wounds on his arms, face, and legs. His garments were dirtied with dust and also with blood.
We finally emerged inside the praetorium and I saw the Romans moving around Jesus and His captors. Words were spoken both by the Romans and the Jews, but I could not understand anything. Although I was having a less difficult time with Latin.
Suddenly, the Roman consul, Pilate, ordered his men to take Jesus and we saw Him going in and out of the inner court several times. One thing I did understand after the third reappearance was that Pilate was not comfortable with what was happening, with the accusation against a man he thought was innocent. However, it was also evident he did not wish to stir the people more and he understood the Jewish leaders had the people in their palms. Any wrong moves from him and there would be real rebellion.
In the end, Jesus was taken again by the Roman soldiers, and Abraham and I moved with them. To my utter horror, I saw as the soldiers stripped Jesus of His garments except for His underwear, took up ropes, sticks, and flagellum in their hands, and began to scourge Him relentlessly, cruelly, and without mercy.
Overcome with pain, shame, and emotion, I placed my face against Abraham´s arm next to me. I could barely stand the humiliation my friend was undergoing let alone the physical pain. I wished at that moment I could have stopped this barbaric display of human cruelty. And yet, without seeing, but hearing, I did not hear Emmanuel utter a single complaint. Tears sprang forth in my eyes at that thought.
Not long after I had placed my face against Abraham´s arm, He encouraged me to look at I released a gasp. The entire praetorium was sprayed with the sacred blood and I saw women with linens going about gathering the precious fluid up.
"Come on, almost there," Abraham murmured and led me out of that place.
We emerged back in the inner court and once more Pilate – whose face showed the shock he was feeling at seeing Jesus in such a sorry state – tried to find a way to release my friend. But, again, the Jews pushed and pushed until the decision had to be made; Pilate decided to grant the Jews what they wanted. Jesus was going to be crucified.
The entire process was set fast, and while Emmanuel bled and bled and became weak from the lack of sleep, food, and fluids, Abraham and I walked behind Him. Once more not once did Emmanuel utter a single complaint.
However, what was even more shocking about this was that not once had anyone, friend, or known person, stood up to fight for Him and demand true justice. He stood completely abandoned by them, and I now realized also by you and me, in the hour of His greatest need.
Carrying the biggest cross I had ever seen, having been trampled under it three times already, and driven to the point of failing strength, the entourage finally arrived at a hillside that faced the outer walls of the great Jerusalem. In fact, from where I stood, I could see the Roman palace and the Temple. Two other men – who had been stripped from their clothes – hung already by the inner parts of their wrists and by the ropes tied to their arms and Emmanuel was pushed towards the third slot. He fell like a rag doll, His body completely devoid of strength now.
The Roman soldiers, who along the path had not missed a chance to beat Him and increase His blood loss, suddenly surrounded Him and seeing that He could barely crawl took Him by the armpits, took away His tunic, and flung Him on top of the wood to then force His arms to reach until they were stretched along the horizontal portion of the cross.
And then, I saw one of the soldiers reach Him with several huge nails and penetrate His hands to hold Him to the wood.
At this point, I turned my eyes away only to come face-to-face with a stone-faced Abraham. His eyes, however, were anything but stone-like. They shone with deep emotion and pain.
I then became aware that Abraham's wrists began to bleed and I moved fast to take a look. It was as I stared at the two wounds that I realized that He was injured exactly where Emmanuel´s wrists had been penetrated by the nails.
I returned my teary eyes towards the man who was now being raised in His Cross and the first thing that I heard was Him pleading with the Father for those who had wronged Him: "Father, please, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
As time began to slowly move, I became aware of the now much older Mary standing next to her Son and on the other side stood a man. But my eyes were soon drawn to the indescribable pain in the face of the Virgin. Being myself a mother, I knew how seeing a child suffer killed you inside. But what I saw in her eyes – even if pain was part – was absolute acceptance and trust. How could this woman trust so much in God?
"I thirst," I suddenly heard the man on the cross saying weakly and I returned my eyes to Him. There was so much pain, so much suffering in there, but at the same time, there was also so much love as He looked out at the people around Him and me, that I could barely fathom it and understand it. How? How could someone who was suffering like He was not only forgive us – forgive me – but also love? Why? How?
"Just because…" Emmanuel said as His eyes stared directly into mine. "I did this because I love you and I love all and there is no reason or explanation. I simply love."
"You gave up Your life for me and for all of us, Emmanuel, why?"
"Love Emily, simply Love. There is no reason to it, it simply IS."
After that exchange, I saw Emmanuel´s eyes losing their focus and He loudly exclaimed as He looked up to the sky. I wondered what He was claiming as He looked up.
"He is calling up to Me, His Father," I suddenly heard Abraham say as He moved right next to me. I looked at Him and saw the immense pain He was in. This sacrifice had cost Him as much as it had cost Emmanuel.
After the prayer from Emmanuel, I heard Him say: "Father, into Your hands, I commit my Spirit." After that, His eyes closed and His body slid down the wood hanging only by the arms.
Tears slid down my eyes fast and hot and as I looked at the man hanging from His Cross, I finally understood. Love simply IS.