Dreams are the reflection of oneself. I supposed that was why I had a dream about the younger me yesterday. In that dream I watched the younger me reading books alone, she seemed to enjoy herself as she flipped the pages. Yet, that just made me realize how self-centered I was. As I tried to approach her, she just looked at me dubiously as though she knew nothing in this world, even though she'd read a lot of books in her days.
—…what?
She asked me over her shoulder.
I retracted my hands and slightly bent my body, leveling my face to hers.
"Do you feel tired reading those thick books?"
—No, I never feel tired of it because…
"Reading is learning and learning can help you in the future," I cut in.
I remembered saying that phrases whenever I had a chance. I watched her go back to reading her books. Pursing my lips, there were questions lurking inside my heart.
Did I grow up the way you wish before? Are you satisfied with how I grow? Or…are you disappointed that I turned out this kind of grown-up?
This question kept banging to the door of my heart, trying to escape.
But…
Afraid of hearing her answer, I turned my back and walked in a different direction as I felt a warm liquid creeping down my cheeks.
This morning as I woke up, I noticed a trace of tears in the corner of my eyes. I sat up and wondered for a second but decided to shrug it off. Since I'd eventually forget what dream that about.
Years had passed and the cherry blossom bloomed, fell, and repeat. I'm now an official high school student. Though I just freshly entered this educational stage, I would say that was the same.
After giving my speech as the first-year representative—which was a reward, or rather obligation of the student who got the highest score in the entrance exam—and waiting for the entrance ceremony to end, I decided to check out the room I'd been assigned to. Normally, students would visit the clubs they were interested in but since I planned not to join one, as I did when I was in middle school, I had plenty of time in my hand.
First, I went to the bulletin board and navigated my surname on the list posted on it. It didn't take too long as I found my surname listed on one of the lists.
Fujihara Sakura, First year, Class A.
Looking at it, thoughts came up in my mind: I wasn't the Year 5, Class b, Sakura anymore. And this evidence wasn't only to show that my section and year changed but I too had a few changes this past few years.
As I finished my objective, I left and went to the school's map, tracing the buildings with my index finger, and eventually found the location of my classroom.
Walking through the hallway, I felt something was missing.
"Oh, right."
I gazed at my hands who were completely empty.
At some point, I stopped reading books in public. Whether I decided that it was such a hassle or it would be better to focus on the way, the answer was still unknown. In any case, it made my reading time less than before. And this reality made me feel a bit sad.
I remembered bringing books everywhere I'd gone and wondered how did I manage to do that every day. Did I just carry it with my little hands back then? Or it was hiding inside my backpack waiting for me to bring them out. I supposed time really made one's memory rusty. I forgot most of my days as an elementary student and the only memory left was my days learning things that I believed I needed in the future. Did I have a friend back then? Still, the answer couldn't be found.
My gaze fell on one of the windows of the classroom. My reflection made me realize how much height I gained these few years and how my body matured compared to my younger self but… Somewhere in that reflection, there was a little girl innocently reading her books. I reached my fingers to the window and traced it as I walked forward. I grew up and become a high school student…I grew up and gained a lot of experience…and I grew up and became confident with my intellectual quality. Yet, why did I feel hollow inside my chest?
Even though I learned a lot of things and gained a lot of achievements, part of me still wanted to go back to being an innocent child who loved to learn everything. At some point, I was struck by the side effects of pursuing my goal and I couldn't do anything but received it. I supposed the phrase, great power comes with great responsibility wasn't all lie. But in my case, I felt like I sacrificed a lot of things just to get to the position I was in.
Truth be told, I never had a friend in middle school. But I never turned a blind eye to them as I did in elementary school. I treated every single one of them as a companion and a compatriot but I never once treated them as a friend. I supposed there was something that happened when I was in elementary that made me feel reluctant when it came to committing in one person, considering them as a friend or such.
I made sure to keep my distance from them without making an awkward atmosphere inside the room. And when the graduation came, I just said I was grateful to meet them and headed straight home.
I supposed I was just afraid to trust myself to someone.
Just as I thought back to this stuff, I heard a few footsteps at my back, echoing through the corridor. I assumed it was just students, more specifically, first years playing around hence I ignored it and kept walking.
Just then I heard someone call my name.
"Sa-sakura!"
I stopped and looked over my shoulder to see a girl huffing and catching her breath at the corner of the hallway. She wore the same color as my ribbon, showing her identity as another first year. She had her hair wrapped around her shoulders, or rather it went like that since she ran aggressively towards me.
"Excuse me, Do I know you?" I had my words friendly as much as possible but it seemed it didn't go that well.
After she inhaled a large portion of air, she walked to me. As she stopped, I witnessed her eyes widen as well as her lips twitching as though she was preventing it to smile.
"Do you remember me?"
"No?" I straightly uttered my answer.
"Ah, as I expected…" Her eyes darted around before she opened her mouth again, "…wait."
For a second, I wondered why she suddenly approached me but as she split her hair in half and held it with both hands, I realized who that girl was.
"Ho-how about it?" Her face was a bit red, declaring she was a bit embarrassed pulling her hair up in a childish style.
"Hmmm…" I pretended as didn't recognize her and watched her face grow redder and redder.
"Please answer me already…it's quite embarrassing to show my armpit in the world after I ran and covered in sweat," she mumbled. Weird as it was, I found her cute when her shoulder slowly shrank and gave up, bringing her arms back to her sides.
I giggled, hands on my mouth. "Why did you stop? The pigtail hairstyle looks good in you, though."
The sunshine streamed through the groups of cherry blossoms and gradually met my eyes. I remembered the phrase that I had read before; the sunshine is the apparent evidence of a new day and a new day is the apparent evidence of a new story.
No one knew what was the future and no one knew how this story would end. I just hoped that this time…
I could fulfill the hope of the younger me.
[Year 5, Fujihara Sakura (Early Buds)—End.]