That day after I got home, halfway taking off my shoes in the entryway, I was greeted by a woman.
"Oh, you're already here. Welcome back," she said nonchalantly, as though she was a part of *this* family.
She had a towel wrapping around her neck and eventually pulled its hem, wiping her forehead. *The caretaker, huh... It's quite rare to see her around this time.*
"Yeah... I'm back," I greeted back and slid my shoes into the shoe cubby. I remember putting it in the corner a long time ago, now that I'd thought about it, I was pretty lazy on my own when I was a child.
Then I glance at the caretaker...what was her name again? It felt like I heard it once but it didn't really cling to my memories. I debated whether to continue talking to her but decided to give her a light bow and headed for my room. We never really had a conversation before, except greeting each other, of course. But still, it was pretty rare to see her around this hour. Did my sister call her here? I once saw them talking casually so I suppose the two of them were pretty close.
As I entered my room, the first thing I did was took off my contact lenses and switched them to my eyeglass. At some point, I found my vision became blurry. I suppose reading books in the dark took a toll on my eyes and now my sight was slowly failing. I wondered if I listened to what my sister said before about reading in the dark, would my eyes wouldn't turn out like this? Nonetheless, it wasn't like I'd lose my sight completely. But I should remind myself to stop doing *that* again.
After changing into my casual clothes, I plopped down on the chair, took a book from my mini-library on the side, and read it until I felt my mind isolated from my thoughts. This was the only time I could forget all my regret from the past and worries about the future. One could say, it was my way to comfort myself. In the least, loved to read books, and learning was the things I knew that never changed about me. And that fact was enough to calm my thoughts and soothed my heart.
A moment after, my stomach started making an unusual noise hence I closed my book and got to my feet. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of the red ball of light, slowly hiding on the horizon. Certainly, the view of the sky from my room was quite wonderful. Now it felt like having a tall house had an advantage. Not that it really mattered to me, since my parents were the ones who work hard for us and not me.
Then I wondered if my parents were doing fine. I couldn't remember when was the last time I saw them...a month ago, perhaps. I never tried asking my sister since I felt like she didn't want to talk about it...or that was just my imagination. In any case, my parents—being here or not, was the same as always. It wasn't as though something would change if they were here.
Walking through the hallway, I felt something strange. Was the hallway always this short? Or I just grew up and now the sense of being exhausted before I arrived in certain places in our house had disappeared. Evidently, something had changed but I couldn't pinpoint what that thing was. I always walked in the same hallway this past few years but this was the first time I felt something like this. Was I just tired or something? Considering what happened this morning and the confession after class, it seemed like I exhausted my mind more than usual.
As I walked down the stair, something tickled my nose. Apparently, someone was using our kitchen, though I wasn't sure who that someone was. Judging by its alluring smell (or was it just me since I was hungry) it wasn't my sister.
"Oh, just like your sister said, you went out of your rooom this hour to get food," the caretaker remarked as I entered the kitchen.
She had a spatula in her hand and an apron wrapping around her waist. Looking at her stirring something on the stove, I wondered when did the house caretaker become the cook.
She seemed to notice me wondering since she pulled the spatula upward and slightly waved it. "It's your sister's request. She said she's going home late today so she asked me to take care of you in the meantime. You know...university stuff," she explained and went back to focusing on her work. Silently, I debated whether to tell her I didn't need someone to take care of me but I knew it would come out rude so I fastened my mouth.
*So it was safe to assume that they really have a close relationship*, *huh*, I thought, and listed this discovery on my *'things about my sister list'*.
Likewise, I went back to my original intention, which was snatching some food from the refrigerator but then, I tilted my head as soon as I opened it.
"There is...none," I mumbled, looking at every corner inside the ref. "Well, that's weird..." As far as I remember, there were leftovers from this morning but...
Just then, I heard someone speak beside me.
"Oh, are you looking for the food in the Tupperware?" The caretaker peered at me.
Timidly, I answered, "Oum, yes."
"Oh, just as I expected your sister couldn't cook something that good." *that good?* "Anyway, I got tired while cleaning earlier so I took a break and ate something from the ref," she stated, not even a hint of shame in her tone then chuckled.
"I...see," I answered with an exasperated tone.
Privately, I reminded myself not to be an adult like her.
Just then, I pushed my knees and was about to get up to my feet, she said, "if you're hungry, wait for this one to finish." With a *thump*, she patted the edge of the pot with the spatula.
I refused amiably but she insisted saying, *it was her fault* hence, I ended up waiting at the table. Twiddling my fingers together with an 'I should have brought my books with me, so I won't waste my time without doing anything.' in my mind, I watched her prepare something aside from the food. A moment after, she walked toward me with two mugs in her hands.
I cupped my hands as I received one of the mugs, containing...milk? Why? I looked at her baffled as she sat on the chair across from mine.
"Careful, child," she prompted as she saw me still holding the mug in midair.
"Oum...thanks." Not knowing what to say, I uttered the most fitting word in this situation.
Slowly and carefully, I sipped some of it...and then settled the mug on the table. Waiting for it to cool down a little more since I almost burned my tongue earlier, I watched the white liquid swirl as I stirred it with the teaspoon. Stealthily, I felt the warmth caressing my cheeks as I gave the caretaker a furtive glance.
"What is it, child?"
I flinched as she caught me in the action. Slightly, I shook my head and shifted my gaze in a distance. Just then I felt her eyes fall to my feet.
"Your feet..." I looked at her in her words. " I see you don't have to discreetly reach the floor with your toes unlike when you were young," she remarked and gave a light smile.
Pursing my lips, I nodded.
Now that she mentioned it, she was right. These past few days, the changes in me and my surroundings had become more apparent. Tons of things were pushing their way to make me realize that something had changed. Whether it was for good or not, just like my sight, the answer was still in a blur.
I changed, and that fact was making me uneasy. Ever since I was young, I yearned to be a proper adult. Then a question roused up like the vapor of my hot milk:
*How could I become a proper adult? More importantly, why did I want to become a proper adult, back then?*
Certainly, I don't know. It felt as though along with the vapor, the answer flew up into the air, and now I was left alone staring upward trying to trace its presence.
*If I keep changing, could I still recognize myself in the future?*
I *am* not the elementary Fujihara Sakura now nor the middle school version of myself, this question was asked by the current me, who still had a vague idea of what she wanted in the future.
Lost in thoughts, a question escaped from the caretaker's mouth, pulling me back to my senses.
"Are you okay, child?" She looked at me with worried eyes. I tried to shake myself but the feelings lurking in my chest wouldn't disappear.
"How..." Reluctant, I clenched my fist. "How can I become a proper adult?" I asked in a hushed tone.
She paused and seemed to mull it over, then answered, "Is that question supposed for proper adults?" she then chuckled.
"Is that so?"
"Yes," she answered, then sipped on her mug.
Apparently, even adults had no idea how could be a proper one.
"But are you sure you want to know the answer about that? Isn't it more exciting to learn it yourself than to hear it from others?"
If she put it like that, I supposed she had a point. *Oh, right. I forgot not to be an adult like her.* It seemed like even my short-term memory was failing.
"And...even in my age, I don't know if I'm a proper adult," she mumbled, then went back to the stove.
Drinking my warm milk, I glanced at the window. At night, the street's atmosphere was seemingly different than when it was daytime. It was dark and gloomy, paired with the cold wind, it would make you shiver. But after a while, you would find it peaceful and comforting. Then after that, the sun would rise again. Did my worries disappear? No, I was sure it did not. But I hope as the day cycle, the dark and gloomy thoughts would disappear someday.