As odd as that sounded, especially for me, I was actually fine with it this time. Alex wanting to kiss me and all. He felt left out and behind the others. And if anything, I probably preferred him over the others anyway with his limits. His limits gave me a sense of making me hungry for more of him.
What am I even saying? There really is something wrong with me.
I fell back onto my bed sign. Maybe therapy isn't such a bad idea. I rolled over to my side and saw my book bag it by my bed. As I looked at it a name popped in my head.
Drew.
Crap he must be freaking out by now. I wouldn't be surprised if he showed up here again like before.
I got up and walked over to it and opened it up looking for my phone. I found it at the bottom and took it out hoping it was still alive. I turned it on only to see 1000 missed calls and texts.
God how clingy is he?
I ignored them all and just went to texting him.
'Sorry for not responding. I'm fine I'll see you tomorrow.'
There, that should keep him from coming over.
Immediately I started getting a call from him and answered it just to make things easier.
"He-"
"Sam! Oh god. I'm so sorry! Please forgive me! I didn't mean to act out like that. I'm sorry. You're ok, right? Are you home? Can I come over?"
"Woah, Drew, calm down."
He took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry. I just- ugh- I shouldn't have done the things I did. I'm sorry."
I rolled my eyes.
"I get it, you don't have to say sorry a million times."
"But I am!"
"I know but I'm not going to easily forgive you."
There was a bit of silence.
"Fine. I understand. What I did was wrong. You're free to do whatever. And that includes relationships."
"So you finally understand that we're no longer together?"
"Yes. And I also understand that I'm going to have to fight much harder."
I groaned.
"Drew just give up."
"Why? Is what he said actually true?"
The 'he' Drew was referring to was Sebastian.
"No but I can't be with you. You know that."
Now he was the one to groan.
"Again with your brother? It's been a year! Let go of it Samantha! He's gone! Don't let him hold you back!"
His words hurt and anger boiled inside me. But I push it down and felt my empty feeling from the mention of my brother.
"I don't need you to tell me that."
He really did seem angry at me. Why? It was pretty obvious. He was mad at me for caring about my brother too much.
"It's been a year. Suck it up and move on. Because guess what, he's never coming back."
That really did it for me. His words stab me right through the heart. Hot tears stream down my face.
Why? Why was he doing this to me? Wasn't he just saying sorry to me from before?
"I can't just keep waiting in the background for you to come by. I still love you. We never should have broken up. I take back what I said. You're not free to have other relationships. You're mine. Can't you see that?"
"No I can't."
I hung up on him and dropped my phone to the ground.
"Screw you."
I crawled Back into my bed feeling weak and empty. Justin's words echoed in my head.
"I think you should break up with him."
I could see why he said that now. Unless there's another reason behind it. With him there probably was.
My phone started ringing again and I turned away from ignoring the sound. I put my head under the blanket and covered my ears while keeping my eyes shut tight.
Just go away. Go away.
Justin's face appeared in my head.
Just go away!
Everything went blank and I slowly open my eyes and let go of my ears, listening to myself breathe heavily.
There was silence.
Emptyness.
My chest hurt. I couldn't breathe. My heart was pounding. I need Justin. I can't survive without him. I need him. I'm nothing without him. I don't know what to do without them.
It got harder to breathe and even focus.
Why? Why did he have to die? Why did I have to be the one to kill him?
It's all my fault.
Suddenly the blanket over me was lifted and someone was holding me in their embrace.
"I'm sorry."
His voice was deep and riveting and I knew who it was.
"Please don't cry. If you're still mad at me just say so. I deserve to be punished for what I did to you."
Sebastian squeezed me as he said that but I couldn't focus on anything.
He pulled me away.
"I'm sorry, really. I regret what I said and I regret being an ass. Please don't push me away because of yesterday."
For a second I saw Justin and tears came to my eyes.
"Oh no, no, no, no! Don't cry! Please."
I fell into his chest not knowing what to do. In all my tears of mumble Justin's name is Sebastian stiff and a little at the sound.
"Um, Samantha? Who's Justin?"
I grabbed a shirt squeezing inside as I pulled away. I sniffed.
"It doesn't matter. He's gone and you guys replaced him."
Sebastian lightly grab my shoulders.
"Was it someone... close?"
I laughed a little forcefully and the tears only got worse.
Before I could answer Christopher came in with his eyes wide as he looked at us, more specifically at me.
"What did you do?"
He walked up to Sebastian his expression of questioning have angry but the anger did pour out of his voice.
"I-I don't know! I came in and she was freaking out and then she started crying. Something about some guy named Justin!"
Sebastian yelled spastically as I still clung onto him looking away.
"Justin?"
Christophers for seem to hurt when he said that. I merely knew what to do to get away from this remembering what I told him days ago. I just need to get away from the situation.
"He's a close person that's far away with college."
They both relax.
"Oh, you're a close friend. I'm sure you'll see him soon."
I couldn't help but laugh a little despite being hurt from what he said.
"Yeah. Sure."
"Well, the reason why I came up here is because dinners ready."
I looked more down trying to hide the tears that wouldn't stop coming.
"I'm not hungry."
"Samantha," Sebastian started resting a hand on my back. "You need to eat."
"I don't care."
Sebastian lifted my chin so I could face him and see Christopher at the corner of my eye.
"At least try."
I sighed and let go of him.
"Fine."