I follow the guys down the stairs and into the kitchen where everyone else was, well everyone besides Drake.
I sat down at the table and watched mom pass out the plates of food to everyone. I shared mine clearly not hungry. My mouth is dry and away from not eating much the past few days. My body has become used to not eating that now food looked anything pleasing to me.
"Samantha, you need to eat."
I looked over to the side at Sebastian. He look like he was concerned but I honestly didn't care.
I felt empty.
I didn't want to do anything. I only want to curl up in a ball and just disappear.
I looked back at my food almost glaring at it.
"Samantha, either eat or leave. I don't want to deal with this kind of behavior."
My mom looked at me. I couldn't tell what her expression really was.
I let out something like a laugh.
"Is that why you have to rely on some professional to help me? Because you don't want to deal with it yourself? With me?"
"I never said that."
"Well it sure felt like that mom."
I said your name like it was poison to my tongue. Mom stood up shaking the table a bit slamming her hands down.
"I have done all I can for you. Now go to your room! If you're going to act like this then go ahead and do it away from us!"
I saw they got out, my head hanging down so she couldn't see my blank, yet smiling face.
"I was leaving anyway."
I walked off heading back to my room. I didn't last long out there. And they didn't do anything. They just watched.
I open my door and walked in moving at the same slow pace. I don't really feel anything. I don't feel guilty or mad or anything. Empty does really does describe it.
I sat down against my door too tired to move to my bed.
Empty.
My mine went back to my mom and her words. She wants to help me but she won't help me herself. Some kind of mother she is.
The floor started to feel comfortable to me by now and I didn't feel like moving anymore. I didn't want to do anything.
She acts like she cares that her first and only option is to rely on some professional I don't even know. What about her? She has her own problems too. Why am I the one who seems to be messed up? I wasn't the one who took in six random guys!
My hands were fist against my head and my head pounded.
It happened again.
I slowly move my hands away and in front of me watching them shake.
Maybe I do need help.
I curled up and felt tears start to come.
But still... I would've liked for her to try and help me.
Justin's face appeared in my head and the tears got heavier.
I wish that never happened. I wish I didn't keep you guys for so long. I wish...
I felt my nails dig into my arms where I held them.
No. Calm down. Just calm down. Breathe.
I paused for a second focusing on my breathing.
But it was still my fault. Events that had recently happened rushed into my head. It made me dizzy and I felt sick.
Everything is still my fault. I wish it was me who died and not dad and Justin. Things would be better then.
Then the guys faces popped in my head.
Things would be better... right?
They would have been fine. I mean, I bet they'd still be found by mom. I'm sure she's still take them in. There's no doubt about it.
The thought didn't settle in my head as well as I hoped it would.
Why does everything have to happen to me? And why do I have to feel guilty for being sad about it? I wish I couldn't think. Then the pain of almost everything would be cut in half. Things would at least be better.
I just wish...
No, I can't wish because nothing will happen with wishes. They're just excuses for your brain to create to make you only feel worse about things. At least, that's what it does to me. Because all I can wish of are things impossible to get.
Still can't help but wonder what things would be like if Justin were here.
I laughed a little to myself. I sure do rant when I'm alone talking to myself.
I fell over to the floor laid on my side spreading my arms out blankly staring at my hands.
"I need you Justin. More then you know."