Am I ready?
No.
Do I wanna celebrate it? do I wanna go out and drink and party and do one-night stands?
Nope.
Okay maybe I kinda wanna...but not today.
A part of me does not want to remember that I am aging, or that I am alive.
This, as you might have already guessed, is not new either.
This happens every time on my birthday. I feel miserable because I'm always torn between celebrating and not celebrating it and both would end up making me feel irritable. My birthday is in fact, the most terrible day of my life. It is the one day that I feel most useless and utterly insignificant. Why should I be celebrated?
I am no one.
I am nothing.
aren't I?
I am.
I think so at least.
So...on this very terrible day where I knew for sure I would end up having suicidal thoughts if I don't keep myself busy, I went to the office.
And as I had expected, there was no one there. No one except, Rose, who lived in the office...and Crush 2-Jack.
Yeah. He's there.
In his gym cloth as always...before showering at 10:00...as he always did, and having his lunch at 11:00.
This, I observe with the eyes behind my head, for we sit back to back and there is a big sofa between our tables-but nothing else.
Love can give you X-ray visions.
Crush gives you extra peripheral vision.
So I guess I don't love him yet- cause I would have seen his bones otherwise.
I am sure he will not disappoint. He is a fine fine man.
I occasionally chatted with Rose- while studying in the morning, and had a meeting with a friend and an enemy(we'll come back to that later). When I came out of the meeting, I found that Rose had left early. She was great company. But then again this might mean I get another fabulous hour with Jack.
But...Jack had left early too.
So I found myself alone in the office.
On my birthday.
Not for the first time.
I didn't think he would leave so early. But then again, it's Friday. What's such a beautiful man doing in the office on a Friday afternoon?! He should...be having fun out there. Right?
Maybe it is better that he left- so I wouldn't delude myself into thinking that it is my special day blah blah blah and that I need attention.
Yes. The desks and computers and tables would suffice as a company on this miserable day.
Yup.
No one would have to listen to my dreadful thoughts.
Perfect.
Right?
I mean...
....
I went to the washroom and tried to wash my depression off my face. The corridors were dark and spooky. That scared me- despite I myself lived as a ghost.
So I had to leave as well.
I....got so scared I stuffed everything I found on the table and ran home.
I barely had sat down on my old battered sofa when the fire alarm went off.
Ducking fire alarm! It never went off the 107 days I lived in the apartment but it had to go off today!
Duck!
All the apartment's people went out in slippers and pajamas and I found out that ...I got some neighbors. Didn't think that many people lived here.
We were all irritated by the alarm though. So didn't even glance at each other.
we spent a few minutes in the cold among a rather grumpy family of neighbors.
Ahh. Quite a day indeed.
We went back in after the landlords came and found the source of the alarm trigger. We probably would never see each other again till the next alarm.
But I was glad the terrible day was over.
Now I will have 364 brilliant days of my life till my next terrible birthday.
I was satisfied.
I was happy.
I had dodged the self-criticism, hatred, and suicidal thoughts day.
It was over.
I can sleep now.
I changed my clothes...and emptied my bag and was about to dive for a nice, cozy sleep when....
A postcard fell out of my bag.
And ....a tiny box of chocolates.