A postcard. A box of chocolates.
I froze.
Then I got excited and giggled again. Thinking maybe Jack put it there.
I chose to overlook the fact that we have had just one conversation so far-and that birthdays were not mentioned.
and that it was a month ago.
I opened the postcard.
'Happy Birthday' it said.
'I hope you are ready.
What?... Ready for what?
and who is S?
Rose Hilton and Jack Hills were the only two people in the office. Sean and Sebastian had gone back to their towns for the holidays.
There was no one else that I was close to apart from these for. I had two frenemies, Kai and Bob, but they would rather drop dead than acknowledge my birthday or my existence, if they could help it. Dave and Lee, too, would do the same if not worse.
So it seemed odd that there was a postcard and chocolate there. I let myself think that it was Jack that put the cards and the chocolate there. I liked him for it.
An incredibly cold and serious tone in my head told me that I was once again at that particular point in my relationships that my imagination indulges its self on my new acquaintances and take a solid form in the form of a clone of a person I just met and the difference between the picture of the person in my head and the actual person grows wider and wider until I love one and despise the other.
I snorted at it-knowing all too well that 'this time ' (this is the seven thousandths two hundred fifty-fourth time - remarked the cold and lifeless voice in my head )....to which I responded by raising my voice and speaking my thoughts out loud,
'this time...
it is all not too bad to fantasize, because
"This chocolate right here- yes this right here-"
I stood up to intimidate the voice in my head...
'This here....is the Ducking proof that I gave myself a reasonable lovely season of cute pre-romance giggling and butterflies filled intense daydream session that will be fairly regularly supported by leading (or misleading ) actions of a rather cute and a very tall colleague called Jack (bless his name) in whose laughters I delight.
"He has a girlfriend" - it murmured.
"And you are imaginary" I rasp- pointing at my head.
"And yet- I will be more realistic than you would ever be"
"shut up! shut up!" I say. "You can't leave in my Head AND disagree with me"
"Because you can't stand for your opinions?"
"Jesus Christ!" I swear loudly.
"Hmm.. actually that not a swear!" She says.
That- that is Electra- she lives in my head and her sole purpose in life is to annoy and criticize me. I hate her calm voice and proper reasoning. I hate her confidence cause I would never have it. I hate how, whenever am excited and ready to throw a mini party in my head, she crushes in uninvited and dresses like a badass.
I can't stand her.
You wouldn't want her to be in your head.
She can be a b***h.
I had her in my head.
I don't know when she made herself at home.
She speaks as she wills and it is never a great time. I can't shut her up. Only drown her voice.
So I do so.
I open YouTube. I watch unrealistic moments from movies. I dance and sing to the four walls of my room, the bed, the pillows, the shelf, the closet.
They are cheering for me. They think me a superstar. I bow and nod to the audience of lifeless compounds of molecules in the room.
I sit down on my chair.
I find the little box of chocolates empty.
I must have eaten them while watching the movies.
I shrug.
It dawned on me that I was a threat to no one and nobody. That I was so utterly insignificant that there probably will be no malice or whatever directed at me. No one could be bothered by my existence except me, myself. And since I knew this, there was ABSOLUTELY no reason to think that the chocolates might be poisoned.
Or drugged.
If they are drugged, it doesn't matter- I am already at home behind closed doors. I should be fine. ..
and if am not....well...
It's too late now.
I am positive no one will poison me If I don't do it myself. I'm just that much insignificant. No offense to anybody.
Duck!
I was thinking again.
I hate thinking about my birthdays.
I open another movie- it was a horror thriller.
I think of the chocolates and how they might be drugged and how people in horror movies fall asleep, and wake up in a horrible place.
I try not to fall asleep.
My eyes get tired. I sigh.
I brush my teeth and put on my pajamas. I lock the door and the window.
I lay in bed and think of the 364 glorious days I am about to have if I wake up alive tomorrow.
I think of how I would make Jack laugh heartily again.
I think of how it will annoy Dave and Lee.
I think of mom and dad smiling at our video chat.
My eyes close and I doze off.
I see a letter written on what looked like a scroll with ink just hanging above my bed.
I think of how I shouldn't be seeing things with my eyes closed and I doze off again.
I saw my hands reaching out for it...and it was suddenly lit on fire....and I think of how glad I am that this was is a dream and that the fire alarms wouldn't go off again.
...and I doze off.
I hear the sound of rain.
I snuggle deeper into my blanket...
"you're a real deep slumberer huh?"
I hear someone say...
My dreams today are so disoriented today...
I think.
"what?" I attempt to reply...
trying to get out of bed....when what felt like a leg kicks me off the bed and I was falling.....
.