"I can't believe I am going to say this… but let's give peace a chance." I sighed as my party and I considered how best to get the Grail from Ozymandias.
"Daddy, is there something wrong with you?" Emmy asked with a deeply fearful look on her face, "Did eating all those people give you a tummy ache? Will I get a tummy ache?"
"Nah, baby girl." I denied, "It's just that Ozy is trying to save as many human lives as he can for as long as he can and if I roll up and rain murder down on them I'd feel like a real dick."
"And him showing up and taking over Egypt with his flying pyramid wouldn't at all provide a convenient distraction for all the pissed off humans." Kunou sassed.
"Whaa?" I faked my surprise, "Oh my goodness I hadn't thought at all about that."
"If you are the God of that world, why do you care about a faction of angry humans?" Bedivere asked while rubbing the stump of his arm where Excalibur formerly served as a prosthetic limb.
"I just so happen to get my kicks fucking with the little mortals." I laughed, "I can't step either left or right without stomping on someone's balls and I like the way they squawk."
"Humanity is truly blessed to exist under your enlightened rule." Artoria rolled her eyes at me.
The disrespect coming from this girl!
"Fuck yeah they are." I chuckled, "I have seen enough versions of humanity shit out of luck to know that my divine dictatorship is saving them from a lot of bullshit and doom."
"I will order what remains of my forces to move the refugees and released pure souls in the direction of the Sun King." she changed subjects, "I am sure that he will be overjoyed at the sight of more people ready to drain his dwindling resources."
"So long as he doesn't just slay them all out of hand I am sure they will be happy." I assured her.
"What of the villagers in the mountains that Arash came from?" Bedivere inquired.
"Ahh…" I hissed, "See… the Hassans are kind of the elite assassins of a group I am currently unfriendly with and I don't need them murking all my priests and shit… so fuck 'em they can stay in the singularity."
With that the meeting ended and we all prepared for the journey across the desert. I found Bucy in high spirits as the fodder knights in service of Artoria were also affected by Cannibal King, but provided so little in terms of stats they might as well have been made of broccoli. They at least filled the belly of my man-eating horse, and slated his thirst for blood long enough that I might be able to actually negotiate the end of this singularity without him biting anyone.
Our host traveled slowly across the sea of sand, and finally were confronted by Ozymandias's border patrol, consisting of many mortal soldiers and a pack of sphinxes being led by the delectable Nitocris.
Though currently a member of the itty-bitty club in her second form, Nitocris scratched that itch awakened in me by Yoruichi Shihoin back when I was a teenager and Bleach aired on Adult Swim.
I guided Bucy up to her and put on my best Texas accent, "Howdy, partner!"
"Howdy… partner?" she looked at me in confusion.
"I'm driving my cattle to market." I told her, "What's a fine woman like yourself doing out on this trail?"
"Cattle?" she shook her head, "Your sheep and cows look incredibly human. What is your secret?"
"Push ups, sit ups, and plenty of juice." I answered while bouncing the glorious slabs of beef known far and wide as my pecs.
"Down Daddy." Emmy commanded, "Business first. Then convince the pretty woman to bare your children."
"Agreed." Kunou stated, "If we are done fighting in this singularity let us be done with it and move on to the battles to come."
"Alright, alright." I grumbled, "Can you believe these kids? It's like they don't even want me to get laid."
"What a shock." Nitocris agreed, "If you are not here to do battle, then for what purpose have you come?"
"To open a big ass portal to my world and bestow salvation upon everyone trapped in this singularity." I spoke then quickly added, "Except the Hassans, fuck those guys."
"And how do you propose to do this?" Nitocris observed me like she would your typical snake oil salesmen.
"This will be the third time I've done something like this." I answered, "Give me the Grail and I will open a portal to the world I come from and deliver all the lost souls trapped in this dying place. You have my word as one divine being to another."
The ancient pharaoh regarded me and my words before nodding her head, "I will allow you to seek an audience with the Great Pharaoh. His judgment is required for this."
I reached a hand down for her which she took with a puzzled look on her face before I pulled her up behind me on our horse, the giant Bucy having no problem seating two adults and two children.
I rode my horse right into the temple of Ozymandias, a great insult, but fuck 'em is my typical attitude for the day. Guy should be happy that I am not tearing him off his throne and stuffing a cursed spear up his ass.
"Ramesses! I've come to bargain." I shouted in my best impression of Iskandar.
"And what do you have that we could possibly desire?" demanded the unamused king of the desert.
"I can get you and all your followers safe passage to a new world that is neither fading into oblivion nor causing the destruction of the human order." I answered.
"That is an excellent offer, and what payment do you seek for this service?" he leaned forward in his throne and steepled his fingers.
"I need the Grail to power the portal." I told him, "Without it, I lack the power to cross dimensions without summoning my True Self to this place, but I assure you that if I do so then this slowly fading world will quickly collapse."
"We understand." the man considered and nodded his head, "Then do so, open this portal to a new world right now in our temple."
Ozymandias tossed the Grail to me and I used its power to tear open a portal that twenty men across could cross at once.
"Girls, go on through." I commanded Emmy and Kunou, who quickly skipped through the portal and returned to their bodies bringing their newly gained powers and abilities home.
"Nitocris, please send a familiar through and tell us what awaits." the man commanded.
A brief use of magic later and Nitocris confirmed that what awaited beyond was truly a new world.
"Then our bargain is struck." Ozymandias nodded, "Inform the people to pack their belongings, for we will depart this dying world."
The process took several days, but soon enough Ozymandias had led his entire people through the portal to modern day Egypt in my world. With a gesture I changed the destination of the portal to the Fifth Heaven and took Artoria's hand. Together with the power of the Grail we resummoned her Knights of the Round Table as well as all the knights and warriors that ever served her.
"My knight's, I have wronged you." she declared with Excalibur at her hip and Rhongomyniad in hand, "I lost sight of what was right and sought only to do what was logical, and in that I led you all to great dishonor and shame. For this reason I release you all from any oaths sworn to me, and ask all of you to decide for yourselves whether it is worth it to you to once again follow me into the future. I am no longer a King, but instead have taken on the role of Queen to this man, Diodora Astaroth, the Devilgod and Master of Heaven."
"My Queen!" Gawain shouted, "It is not you who failed us, but us who failed you. Please accept me back into your service and forgive my failings."
Similar showing came from every single knight before us, not a single one wished to abandon her, not even the knights that rebelled against her plans as the Lion King.
As the knights got off together on loyalty I turned to the Chaldea trio and spun the Grail across my fingers.
"Now I believe I offered to solve your Beast issues in return for the two of you joining my harem as my final Bishop and Pawn." I grinned, "So are you in or out?"
The pair just looked at Ritsuka and then back at me, then back to Ritsuka, then back to me, doing this several times over.
"It's not like I don't believe in you, Ritsuka," DaVinci sighed, "but this seems like way more of a done deal guarantee."
"Sempai," Mash looked down at the ground, "Do your best… without me."
Ritsuka wiped a few tears from his eyes but then found his balls and looked me in the eye.
"Treat them right," he began but I cut him off.
"Don't say any of that cliché shit, kid." I scoffed while cutting my palm on a dagger and handing it to him.
"Use that to summon me when you get back to Chaldea." I ordered, "I'll show up in my Caster configuration and will summon the six other standard class versions of myself and together we will smack the shit out of the Beasts and deliver the Human Order from destruction."
"Probably fuck some hot chicks along the way too." I added with a grin.