| To eternity of my scattered dreams I|
"kaiyo where are you ? I need you," I am calling her name all over again..
Though, I am already sick of calling her name—
I'm getting out of hand, I need to see my doctor soon to check my usual problem again. How often did I call her whenever I needed her to calm me down? It's already been five years I supposed and here I am still holding on to the past..
I created such a lie... "I've never been better!"
Morning and evening, I'm waiting for her to woo me, pet my hair while I am talking or sleeping but nothing comes in. Sometimes I wished all of this was a dream.
I've been living in grief secretly.. people will likely to blame Kaiyo for my weird actions and I should settle these things myself.. Another night has passed, I no longer observe the time, I'm supposed to be sleeping by now, it is my hobby to wander alone at the middle of the night until I realize it's two in the morning— previously this occurred a few years in the past and it is nevertheless... what a refreshing memories these memories keep repeating and I feel susceptible? I had insomnia but I stopped taking my sleeping pills as brother Yuki said.. besides, the medication that prescribed to me doesn't work , what I need is to completely reset everything without thinking about the next project.. Am I able to simply get a moment of myself? this is the only night I can contemplate myself, I am crazy huh? I need a serious therapy
I need to be more rational person.. I should stop believing and hoping that I could hear her voice again because it is driving me insane, it is time to regain my senses again.. I am such an incompetent person, why did I become so timid? This isn't like me at all.. I understand that I'm doing quite well despite the fact that my health.. I nearly died which I hoped that I really died, however there is still a hole inside me. What is it?
"What is it?"
I cannot tell anymore, I want to shout somewhere far away, that nobody wants to find me.
"yes it is her fault why I became like this.."
I once wished that I could have a family like Akito, even the loss of life of his wife. There are children beside him, and both of them look exactly like Sayuri, she has strong genes huh..?
Now why am I sighing about…?
I can't deny the fact that we are still in high school and using contraceptives was present at that time but bold as I woo her from the start and doing it twice, it is too late to regret we've done it anyway, but to think about it, we could create a family supporting our children on our own at a young age and had a bsby boy or a girl depending on how God creates them. So even though she's no longer beside me, I still have a family to raise and protect. I likely impregnated Kaiyo if we were reckless like other teenagers. In the end, I'm alone.. I might have nieces and take them as children by myself but I wanna have something for me as well— If someone heard me about this they'll say I'm crazy for Kaiyo. And ask if I want someone to penetrate women to have children? Like I only need her, I'm this type of pervert.. Well, Kaiyo was also naive as me in spite of liking the feeling so much.. at some point of those instances and cannot deny any further, "Haha ..", and now I laughed.. therapy is the answer to this.. My voice sounds so raspy and cracking tonight , I need to drink water..
[Recalls]
"Nao drink some water to dehydrate,"
Ah.. no it is not, she's no longer right here but she only appears whenever she feels like it, what am I waiting for? She doesn't want to see me right now or for the rest of our lives, I am so captivated by her, why can't I avoid it? It's already in the past and I'm the only one who is letting himself drowning in burden.
"You'll meet someone to marry soon Naoko—," I sighed just by remembering it. Why can't I die for a damn minute? So I can hug her like she did to me. I still have my doubts on how she can do that while I can't..?
She's a mere ghost that still wanders around in the ground, she has to go back to heaven.
"I don't deserve this..",
I will be thirty in a few years and be an old man, who hasn't touched a single woman in his whole five years. I cannot spread more of our bloodline, from my very own foot.
"Naoko, what are you thinking about?"
Yeah what am I thinking? no... I honestly feel that this whole work is tiring and it is not for me to handle yet I cannot blame my father and brother.. I'm the next heir anyway, eventually my eyes are shutting down on their own, what dream am I going to dream this time? Well I am used to being alone even if I dream..? I sighed (again and again) Why? Why am I here? I'm fast asleep this time..
— I saw Yuu and Naomi chatting so close, I did not know there's something between them. Now the scenery has changed. This time I proposed to Kaiyo… it is mesmerizing this is a miracle! Will I be able to touch her...?
[Bonk]
Ah.. there is a barrier I reach or touch her, I see.. this is the place we used to be at The Sky Tower..
with this sort of lame laughing voice, we cannot go back to the way it was huh? I see then I'll stop, please stop showing these memories and signs of her I'm sick of it I'm sorry Kaiyo I hope you forgive me..
"Naoko, you are always my son in law," how sweet it is to be cared for by your mother in law... Thanks for the encouragement.. But I am never your son in law.
Ah now I pondered, my dream is displaying my past together with her. I can't control what's appearing. I should've died in this dream instead, but how the hell am I still alive? Because the day I fell in love, it's tragic..
"Tragically empty"
She fell for me first, then I fell harder; as then she died..
So this is the empty hole inside me? Love from my dearest fiance... It had a big effect on me.. Now I understand what it's like to be a loner. The way to these dreams, I am sooner or later able to get my senses returned.. it's killing me internally. I had no choice however to stay in this life, like other human beings do.
If ever I could say this to her before she was gone—
"if ever we are to reborn again, I promise to make you happy and when I achieve that I can finally breakfree from pain again"
[Sighed] I'm going to live with all my heart and this would be the last day I will make a faux face—
[ — Crashed — ]
Naoko no longer finished his line, whilst his dreams traveled from an unfamiliar place. His vision was blurry and careless, however can't keep away from the desires which were lucid. He crashed into a car, his ears went eerie due to the crash.
"I-it's so uncomfortable and I want to break out from here.."
That was the last sentence he said he groans and struggles to move. In this reality, at first, Naoko can't feel anything from the atmosphere burning within the room of coldness. His neck is full of sweat and grasping for breath; and then he can see darkness, his body feels sinking inside, he is grabbing onto something and even though he knew that no one can pull him then as he was now pulled into the deep sea and gave up. His mind went uneasy and permit his dreams manipulate him over till it breaks into pieces and scattered to his heart and soul, "I am able to revel in it," he forced himself to lift his head because it was heavy,
"It's hard to be with you again," he managed
"I awakened, however the universe is so quiet, it feels so peaceful to be here? My head... Now my body and mind is spinning slowly on its own, I can't move a muscle. I cannot open my mouth, however I am able to blink and thrust back using my eyes. Is it bizarre? I'm able to nonetheless speak to the internal of my mind, there may be no hole inside me, I cannot feel or sense any pain? or is it due to the fact my nerves stopped functioning at the facet of my mind? What is this? only mom Tasha can tell the cause of it.. Why is it spinning? that is the darkish sea, i'm floating, then is this technique I succeeded? i'm capable of now name myself, relaxation in peace-"
" Naoko? Darling? ", why is her voice so pitiful? I can now follow my fingertips? '' Naoko...! ", So it is without a doubt her? " Y-you ended up here? I'm so sorry for not telling you with a heads up. I thought you wanted a rest so I didn't show up ". What am I able to say to her? Do I have to be mad? what a fool face she had...
" All I want is you, so don't feel troubled, simply come regularly such as you used to. ", there I said it. " Naoko, you're already a soul... wondering here "
" I am what? ", I understand that is a dream, " nicely I suppose I am, " so I allow my desires to get the high-quality of me.
Nevertheless, I succeeded, so there may be no turning back. I am already with her, the girl I cherished the most. "
Naoko...! I'm sorry, due to me, you died..! ", quit talking like that, I cannot deliver this up to you... but I also desired to die, whether or not there is every other successor for the business enterprise like Hiroyuki... or Brother Yuki- Wait, what about the M MZO? What is going to what befell? i peeked at Kaiyo, and she or he's nonetheless crying, and her fingers are melting? What is this? this isn't always heaven?
it is turning to hell—
A lost in concept; Interlude reality II |
I've been dreaming about her, it has been months since the day that I have been hospitalized. Moreover, Kaiyo's right beside me, so I do not feel lonely. I awakened and it is time to work once more. ("aren't you too busy?") Kaiyo patted me again with an unhappy tone. " W-well.. ". I cannot deliver up the phrase 'not' feeling nicely or being uncomfortable, otherwise.. She'll be concerned as heck once more.
("really like you Naoko")
"Why did you come back?"
Naoko was so confused at the moment, he did not know if he would be mad or happy to see her again.
Kaiyo constantly says this to cheer me up, and continually makes me think that regardless of the workload, she can heal me through saying that she loves me and so on… I do not understand her, but after that.. she nags at me.. Yet I am used to it, (I experience like mom's watching over me, it scares me too..) Akito and Kazuko stated; "Sir please relax and be confident", I can not do this, even when I sleep.
I am nevertheless thinking about paintings and for the following couple of days of what'll show up, however I nevertheless strive. Brother Yuki is busy, and Yuze has already released another venture of his very own. My buddies are busy with their paintings, except for when Yuu and Naomi were married, (they are newlyweds..) speaking of marriage? Akito was given divorce due to his wife's fitness, and that I..
"Are you going to get married to Nao-kun? ", Kaiyo's mother pestered me about this subject matter again and again once more, and now Dad's asking me this..
[ Sigh ]
I am already at my age, and Yuki would not mind me not getting married.. (Is this strange of him? He additionally asked me if I got married in secret?) however, I sense like it actually is the time to discover someone new... I bear in mind the time whilst Kaiyo said, " you will discover someone new inside the destiny.. ", it's miles. it's lingering in my heart and thoughts that I must do it earlier than I turn thirty. ( I had to and i recognize.. ) I set aside my work, and went to blindates, Akito insisted on helping me to set up.. (those two said that it is a fashion, and every person does that spontaneously...) Despite that, none of them caught my eye, I have by no means had a single hobby in them. After that horrible nightmare, that I nearly succeeded on committing a suicide at the same time as dreaming.. I wager it won't without a doubt happen in any respect, she's right beside me now and... the whole lot's quality? What did I say at the end? I completely forgot about it?
I've been lying to myself, I am manipulating myself..
Wake me up from this dream..
Because I'd gladly accept the fact of marrying someone else than being ghosted by a real angel.
To be continued with the final episode happenings—