Groaning, I tried to bury my face under my pillows to hide from the harsh onslaught of sunlight. I tried to go back to sleep but it seemed my bladder had other plans.
Annoyed and a bit dazzled I made my way to the bathroom, all plans of continuing my sleep afterward flew out the window the moment I saw my face in the mirror. Swollen eye bags, red eyes, and rats nest as my hair welcomed me.
I didn't have any ruined mascara or eyeliner running down my face, because even if I was a little heartbroken, okay maybe a little bit more heartbroken than I'm letting on, I still washed my face before going to bed.
You see after I've let all the steam out last night, I started thinking more rationally, and mapped out where I acted stupid last night.
Running away like that when I had no reason, letting them all see how pathetic and weak I'm was a wrong move on my part.
But more than that it was so very wrong of me to just assume that even when Alex has been out of touch for so many years he would too be pinning for me just as I was.
It isn't some fantasy where the hero and heroine would still meet at the end as if there was nothing between them, no obstacle, no other human in between.
How wrong was I to assume that if I felt this way for him he did too? How stupid of me to get excited at the prospect of marrying him, even when the question came out of the blue.
Shouldn't I have waited for him to pop the question, wasn't this what I wanted?
Love, pure, unadulterated, crazy mad love from him?
Just the way my parents have loved each other even after all the ups and downs. Wasn't it, their love that inspired me to seek something just as similar for me as well?
The way my father would look at my mom as if she's the only woman, even with all her flaws. The affection they have for each other is what I want for me too.
I shouldn't let someone let me down like this, shouldn't have attached too many emotions with someone. I shouldn't have tied my happily ever after with some boy.
So, how is it that when I think about a happily ever after with someone it's always with the same boy?
The same boy, who used to beat my bullies, because they thought it was fun to ridicule the chubby tall girl in their grade.
The girl who despite her height wanted to ride the swing or wanted to be play chase around the playground, never could though without thinking that someone would look her way and think what is she doing here?
The same boy who took her to her first prom because no one asked her out.
The same boy who gifted her first-ever scrapbook, because he saw her draw once on a piece of paper.
The same boy who would smuggle candies on his trip to our house because he knows I adore sweets and everything chocolate.
The same boy who used to have lunch with me in the library every day during high school, regardless of the fact that he had his friends or that he was a senior, was the trophy boy of our school.
The same boy who promised me a trip to universal studios, just the two of us because he knows that I'm obsessed with harry potter.
Although he never got around to fulfilling his promise. I don't hold him accountable though because that was when he went to his business school.
So, why is that when he never once responded to any of my emails, phone calls, or text messages, I just assumed he would want me to?
Why did I never let anyone near me?
Why was I waiting for him? He never once made any promise.
Silly of me to assume that he did everything because he loved me back. It was his sympathy speaking.
He wasn't the golden boy for no reason.
Why did I not try changing myself, why did I not thrive hard to become a better version of myself? Why didn't I move on from something that wasn't even real?
Why is that even though I should cut back on my sweets intake, I never did? All because that same boy once told me to never change myself, I was unique and smart, and that whatever anyone said I shouldn't stop loving the things that made me, ME?
Oh, how I wish I would've grown out of this shell I've surrounded myself with. Break free of the past, of that awkward shy girl who thought the world of Alex.
And still is hooked up on the little hope somewhere inside her heart that he would come around.
That all will end well, just it always does in the movies.
I feel pathetic right now, with the way I've been pinning for him.
Taking deep breaths, I forced myself to finish my business, wash my face and get ready for the day.
Despite my meltdown and willingness to not move an inch from my bed, it's still a work day and I need to get my lazy ass to work if I want to go to the universals to fulfill my harry potter fantasy.
And to pay off those exasperating student loans. Which I might not have to take if I wanted to remain uneducated for the rest of my life or if I was crazy rich.
I'm not even going to think about my exhausted trust fund.
The soft melody playing on my phone indicated that my mom was calling, I know after yesterday she's bound to worry.
Nonetheless, it was a feat that she did not call me last night or barged into my apartment.
I loved this thing about her she knows when not to intervene and I'm grateful for the personal space she provided so I could clear my head.
Forcing my voice to sound normal I took her call. "Don't tell me you already left for work, please... I'm on my way to your apartment." just listening to her calmed me, not entirely but it did.
Laughing a little I put the phone on speaker and started dressing up. "Count yourself lucky Mrs. Knightly, your lazy ass daughter still hasn't dressed up so you better hurry, and are you bringing some breakfast?"
Laughing she assured me that yes indeed she hasn't come empty-handed.
5 mins after our call I heard the intercom ring, informing me she has arrived. After letting her in I quickly tidied up what little I could around my bedroom, adult or not you don't want your moms' wrath on you when she notices you haven't made your bed.
Better safe than sorry.
The moment I exited the bedroom, there was a soft knock indicating she's here.
The smell of freshly baked goodies and coffee hit me even before I opened the door to let her in.
Seeing her standing there, with an angelic smile on her face I wanted nothing more than to hug her and never let go.
But instead, I helped her to get the things to the kitchen, I don't want my nosy neighbor coming out to witness me having a meltdown.
Taking my hands in hers, my mom kissed each of my palms first before cupping my face and kissing me on the forehead, followed by a kiss on each cheek.
She then proceeded to hug me. I forced myself not to cry, although I have an idea my mom won't mind.
But I would like her to believe that I'm much stronger than she thinks.
"Am I lucky or am I lucky?" I hugged her tight enough, letting her know that I appreciate what she's trying to do.
She too engulfed me in a bone-crushing hug that only a mother can perfect.
"Kara." just the way she said my name bought tears to my eyes.
I tried my level best to get them to not fall but her arms around me and her smell, made me feel as if I am 10 again and not a mature 25 years old woman.
Sighing we let go and my mom forced me to sit on the barstool, taking out plates and utensils from the cupboard she put them in front of me and proceeded to load my plate with chocolate croissants.
"Here, eat," for a moment it seemed like I'm back in my house having breakfast with her when she would cut up an apple for me daily before breakfast.
It was our routine to wake up before others and have some grown-up girl bonding time. We would talk while preparing breakfast.
It is something I miss terribly since I've moved out.
"After you left Raven did try to make an announcement but I held her. I only did say yes to her before because I thought that this will make you happy, we both wanted our children to marry each other but if it's not what you want I'm not going to force you, baby, you should know that." She stopped for a moment and looked directly into my eyes.
I nodded, "I think it would have been much better if we had a talk before you know you decided to break this bomb on our heads."
"I'm so very sorry baby, I thought that you adored him, with the way you always mention him or how you would ask Raven his whereabouts, or how you would shy away from every relationship." mom's guilt-ridden voice didn't sit well with me.
It's not her fault, it was all mine that I've been building up this Alex fantasy.
Getting up from my seat I went to her and turning around forced her to look at me.
"I don't know yet what I want mom, on one hand, I did wait for this moment but not like this, not when his heart won't be in this decision. It's painful to wait for someone, it's painful to forget someone. But the worst pains come when you don't know whether to wait or forget."
I tell her and went in for a hug. "Please, can we not talk about this right now? Besides, I'll get late for work if I don't leave in another 10 mins."
Shooing me away she ushered me to complete my breakfast but one look at my watch and I can't stay any longer.
I need to get busy to forget about what happened.
Taking 2 huge dragon warrior size bites of my croissant I rush towards my room to get my coat and then slip on my shoes, kissing my mom goodbye I collect my car keys and mobile phone and my coffee and leave her to lock up my apartment but not before promising her that I will come to visit on Sunday.
I just hope that I get better by then.