Please, I need sleep, some sleep. If only I could rest my eyes for 5 minutes that would be great. I looked longingly towards my closed bedroom door. My bed, with the soft mattress, soft pillows, soft inviting smell of my fabric conditioner.
I want it all, I would do anything just to lay in it for some time, peacefully without any disturbance.
"Sit straight please, look forward,"
"Oh honey, what is it that you want?"
"Sleep I want some sleep,"
"Sorry, what did you say? Maya tone it down will you! Chris here take a look at this one last time,"
"Chin up," the hairdresser pushed my chin up a little and continued with her torture on my hair.
Yes, you guessed it right. I'm currently being dolled up for the engagement party, my engagement party.
Oh god, it's happening again an intense attack of anxiety, followed by a feeling of impending doom and trembling, sweating, pounding heart.
Not to mention my lack of sleep, I don't remember when was the last time I had a decent night's sleep.
Matt tells me these are the withdrawal symptoms, that now I really don't want to get married that I'm presented with a prospect. He says that it's where the parties to the wedding (that is the bride and the groom, in my situation Alex and me) start having second thoughts, and they either run away or they just decide they want a break.
According to him that sensation happening inside me right now is the sense leaving my body. The ability to think and act rationally.
I really can't say much about Alex but that's not how I was feeling, okay there were some what-ifs but I wasn't second-guessing the decision.
Besides what does Matt knows, he's never been engaged as far as I know nor was he ever in a committed relationship ever.
So, I did the sensible thing and patted him on the back and went in search of my mom, she would know. But what she knew had nothing to do with this feeling, it had all to do with me and my upcoming engagement.
So, here I'm a few hours away from my big night, not the night you'll be thinking about.
After that horrible party, I attended a few days earlier which I remember nothing off except for the fact that I might've wasted a perfectly good meal and a chocolate sundae.
I woke up the next day with a terrible headache and a scratched throat. Sleeping unaware in a room that wasn't mine. I did vaguely remember a mouse or was it? The car ride to my home or was it? I can't really tell.
But before I could get a panic attack I saw a photo of a cute boy with his parents on the nightstand to my right. The parents were a young version of Raven and Max and I assume the boy to be Alex.
Cute.
That helped me relax a little only a little because the moment I saw the clothes I was in the panic attack came crashing back. Did I rip the dress off, possibly?
Or did we? Did something happen last night I wasn't aware of?
God forbid did we actually do something? Something that I have no recollection of? Face flushed, heart-pounding at 155bpm I did some cardio to ensure my virtue was intact. I only relaxed when I was sure nothing happened.
I decided it won't do me any good if I stay in the room so after finishing my business in the washroom, I ventured out in search of Alex and some answers. But what greeted me was an old housekeeper and a note.
A note stating that Alex has gone on a business trip and would return on Friday, which means today.
I would have been worried, was it me? Did I do something that drew him away? Was he no longer interested? But I barely got any time in between office, my daily run with Emily, dress fittings and our mom's going insane that I have to step out of my drama and help others.
Alex has been MIA after the party, the only assurance I had of it being my reality and not just a figment of my imagination was when I received his text this morning.
It was a simple text, "See you tonight." no emoji no explanation, or anything but it assured me a lot that he won't leave me high and dry. Unlike what Matt said about having jitters and second thoughts, I was a bit worried I won't admit it to anyone but after the conversation with him, I was scared.
But now sitting here in my living room with all the people that I love. Getting dressed for my big event I think to myself has he ever left me to deal with things on my own? No, then how can he do it now.
I'm one lucky woman.
"And here you go, done,"
"Oh good, I can't feel my butt,"
"Oh my god, Kara," my mom was all emotional for the last few days.
"Kara, I wish you could see how good you look," Maya and Chris gushed simultaneously.
Chris was Chloe's assistant that was in charge of my dress and fittings, an honest to god humble man, with too good a fashion sense. He volunteered to help me out today as according to him I have the fashion sense of a grandma.
"Me too," as there was no mirror, full length, or even a small one I wasn't able to tell how I look.
My dress was in my room, fingers crossed it would look how I envisioned it to be, otherwise, my mood would go downhill. Think positive Kara, it would look good.
Oh, I totally forgot to tell you about my dress, after that disastrous day where I have to return home without actually selecting a dress or a dress that everyone approved of. Chloe called me the very next day and we both have been working together tirelessly for a masterpiece.
That not only would be comfortable but would have enough space for me to breathe properly in. My initial impression of Chloe was completely wrong, although a little uptight sometimes she is a complete sweetheart, she not only disregarded her not so accomodating interns' ideas she didn't even let anyone talk back to me.
All in all, I found an ally in her. It was good to have a woman with great taste in fashion to be alongside you. Always comes in handy.
Barging in my room, I closed the door and looked longingly at my bed one last time before heading towards the mirror. Now is not the time to sleep no matter how much I desire it.
The moment I stepped in front of the mirror I was speechless, or I have no idea how to form even one coherent sentence, the makeup artist Raven called in did a fantastic job, keeping my makeup the way I wanted. Not too much not too little.
Just the right amount of perfect. With slight dusky eyes, nude lips, and a bit of blush I was the picture of innocence, just the look I was going for. And the way the highlighter was popping, I could gift my firstborn unicorn to Lucy, the makeup artist.
Now time for the big reveal, the dress. We as in Chloe, Chris, and me were kind of confused about the color, too many options, and each color had a story behind it. Chloe wanted it to be red, I for one didn't want to wear red after seeing Veronica in it, red was her color, it just wasn't for me.
Light/pastel colors were all ruled out by Chris, saying it just wasn't his preferred palette to work with, he wanted something funky. Which I clearly wasn't.
So, we got stuck on green or blue. My comfort colors. Although, Chris and Chloe both weren't happy about this decision they both caved in eventually. And I chose green, for two very apparent reasons.
One, it would be too obvious if I chose blue, it reminds me of Alex every time and I did not want to be a cliched bride who matches everything with her groom's eyes.
And second, my first prom dress was green, the only prom I went to with Alex, and it's special to me. So, silly or not I wanted it to be green.
Turning around, I went to take my dress out of the bag, although I have seen the dress yesterday, I was getting excited all over again. And what a dress it is, floor-length net gown, off shoulders with cuffed sleeves, and beautiful intricate and delicate work on the bodice and the sleeves.
I was in love. For a girl who wasn't into dresses, I sure am wearing quite a lot these days. Pulling down the zipper at the back of the dress I quickly got undressed to don it. Snug fit and super comfortable is how I'd describe it with no tension whatsoever of flashing people.
"Mom, I need your help," I shouted loud enough for mom to hear, I don't need help it's just that I wanted her to see me before anyone else.
"I'm here honey, what is it?" and she stood silent, eyes a little watery, hands over her mouth, and smiling.
"Close the door," I rushed forward to close it before anybody else peaks in.
Twirling around for her I stood in front of her, waiting for her approval. Just like how I used to do.
"When did you grow up?" voice a little shaky my mom engulfed me in a hug.
"It was only yesterday that I had you, my little baby,"
I was short on words today, whatever I say would not do justice to how I'm feeling. They say actions speak louder than words so that's what I did I hugged her back tighter.
Not tight enough to block her oxygen supply, just enough so she knows I appreciate everything she had done for me.
"I love you,"
"Me too baby," and we stood there for god knows how long until I heard Matt out there.
Breaking free from the hug, we both laughed a little and made our way outside together hand in hand.
"Woah, run away with me," hand over his heart Matt stood there looking dapper in a charcoal suit.
"How do I look," Twirling around for everybody once more, I collapsed down on the sofa, all this spinning isn't good for my low on sleep, caffeine-induced brain.
"Ah, my creation," Chris stepped forward and embraced me in a bear hug, and bent down to help me in my heels.
"Here, a small present from us," Mom came forward with a beautiful pair of emerald tear-drop earrings.
"Mom you didn't have to," It must have cost them a fortune.
"Oh hush now child," It was Maya.
"Come on now wear them and let us have one last look at you before your prince charming arrives,"
Quickly putting the earrings on I did one last pose for everyone and rushed towards the hairdresser so she could remove the clips holding my waves in place. I was going for that vintage wavy hair look.
"Alex won't be able to take his eyes off you," Chris gushed as Lucy was spraying some hairspray on me.
"He won't be alone though,"
"Oh, you guys stop it," I was never good at taking compliments easily, I always thought of them as a polite way of saying well thank god you don't suck.
But something about today made me truly appreciate their compliments, I know they aren't saying this just to be polite but they actually mean it.
So, for today I'll keep my self-deprecating thoughts locked up at the far end of my brain, far away from the happy thoughts.
I roamed my eyes around at everyone present, mom, Maya, Matt, Chris, and Chloé and Lucy, of course, all dressed to impress, with the exception of Chris, Chloé, and Lucy they have yet to get ready.
"You all look exceptionally pretty I have to say,"
There was a loud chorus of awws and a grunt from Matt because he never liked being called pretty, who says it makes him look feminine but whatever he gotta deal with it today.
We were all admiring and appreciating each other when the doorbell rang.
"That must be Alex, I'll go and get it," but before I could stop Maya she practically ran to open the door.
My hands were getting sweaty and my heart was pounding so loud I could hear it in my brain or was that my headache I really can't tell. All I know is that I really want him to approve of me today.
My inner voice was shouting at me for forging my feminist beliefs to get approval from a man but I hushed her nice and quick. Not today, I can be a feminist later.
I can hear their voices and his resounding laugh and it's making me all the more nervous. I'll be seeing him today after a few days but why does it some like our first introduction all over again?
Nervously I started playing with my engagement ring, I even developed some kind of affection towards that ugly thing, after all, it's mine. Everybody else was busy clearing the lounge, mom was running around checking all the things one last time and Matt was on his phone by the window.
"Hey," Alex greeted everyone but his eyes were glued to the spot where I was standing, waving him awkwardly.
Why did I wave?
"Kara," the appreciation in his eyes was all the proof I needed, he liked the dress. He liked it very much I'd say because the next minute he was on me kissing me like we were the only two present.
"Give us a warning next time please," Maya complained although she looked too happy, standing there smiling broadly.
As much as I wanted the kiss to continue I created some space between us and smiled at him, which he returned with a hungry look in his eyes.
"I think it's time we should get going,"
"Yes," but neither of us moved an inch.
"Do you kids need a moment alone?" Mom asked dragging Matt and Maya with her.
"Yes,"
"No," I guess you could tell who said yes, it sure wasn't me.
"No, I think we'll be going now,"
"Bye guys, see you soon at the venue," waving at everybody I dragged Alex outside.
The inner me was dancing with pompoms cheering me on for getting a better reaction out of him than I expected.
Now I pray for everything to go as planned.