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Baekhyun
All I could hear besides the given noise of the zombies are the wind bashing the rooftop of the prison cell and the echoing windpipes above the ceiling. It was an awful feeling of the cold spirit of a season that's supposedly celebrated happily before.
The stench of rotting smell and caving stagnant water didn't help as I walked mindlessly in the long hallway. I don't know why my feet could still carry my body despite that my adrenaline rush starts depleting and all I'm left is the realization that I'm soaked in cold blood that washed me from my head to my toes.
I felt tired. That kind of tiredness makes me want to vanish in this kind of world.
Tears started blurring my visions. All I could hear are the moans of the zombies that is trapped in the cells, trying to put out their hands outside the bars in an attempt to reach me. My feet are beginning to feel numb and weak and then I finally gave up and crouched down just to feel how sticky I am of the blood from the humans and undead I killed.
I felt the string of sanity starting to pull from end to end. It prickles my eyes. The salty liquid beginning to form and trying to dive through the silence.
What have I done? I killed people today.
The pleading voices of the people that I killed rang on my ears. I shook my head as tears already flowed upon my filthy blood-washed face. I'm trying my best to convince myself that it could have been us in the ground.
"How could I do this?" I asked myself ghostly as I sobbed alone in that dark area. All that answered me back was the moaning and groaning of the mindless, soulless zombies.
"What have I done?!" I cried even harder as I looked into my blood-soaked hands. I can't imagine myself killing people. I can't. And I'm losing myself.
Who am I?
I slide on the wet ground and curled my body to form a ball. Without the adrenaline, I could feel my body getting so tired. I could feel every inch of my body pulsating and the stickiness of the blood covers me like a blanket. A blanket that reminds me that I'm a murderer.
Now I see why the people back there were astonished and disbelief etched on their faces. I'm a killer. I killed them mercilessly.
And some people died. The ones I hesitantly cared about.
This is why as much as possible, I don't want myself to attach to any people. I don't want myself caring for someone, looking for someone, checking, protecting, and showing them how they mean to me because, in these ways, I'm giving up myself in the ability of my heart to break. The reason I want to be distant from people, they die and leave you, and all that's left is your heart-wrenching with the idea that you could have saved them.
I couldn't stop the tears from flowing, nor my sobs and trembling body. This is not me anymore.
When will I realize that everyone will be sooner or later leave me like a nightmare?
"H-Hey..." I heard an unfamiliar voice. Gives me the idea that this person was the only one left alive that is belonged to the captors.
"G-Get the fuck out here." I spat as I wiped the tears with my bloody hands.
"You're the only one I knew who wouldn't kill me." I could sense the fear and sadness in his voice.
"Bless you," I stated insensitively as I sat up, my knees brought up on my chest as I bowed my head and hugged my legs. I can't just let anyone see how weak I am.
"T-Thanks for recognizing me... I- I could have been dead by now." He spoken. How wouldn't I don't know him?
"Thank my memory. It'd been two years or so that I haven't eaten pizza, delivery boy." I spoke blandly. I knew him by face but not by name. I think that's how we recognize people these days. I'm well aware that I'm younger than him but in this kind of world, respect should be bought in who's holding your neck or who made you a favor.
I looked at him when he remained silent. I guess was too far-fetched with my sharp mouth.
Back then, I was the type of person who's lazy enough to cook something even though our fridge is pretty loaded. I always order pizza from my favorite pizza makers and there, it's always this guy who shows up at our front door. I don't even know how he got here. And honestly, if it weren't his looks that I noticed even back then that hadn't made me forget him, he would have been a cold body right now.
As I was feeling bitter regression, I felt his warm arms tangling on my awkwardly petite body and I immediately tensed.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I spat coldly, cocking up my head to look up at him. His eyes shining over mine.
"I remembered you as a bratty kid back then. You always call for pizza almost every day and complain about how it's delivered so late. I also remember your mother. She always calls for pizza to be sent home for you and how she tells me that you don't eat homemade dishes. And your older brother who was my friend back then. He was a good friend." He has spoken unsurely.
There's these strings on my heart that pulled broke as I heard his statements. All this fucking weight I'm carrying right now, he dared to add one more by shoving me from my life back then and mentioning my mother and brother.
But instead of arguing at him and pushing him away. Tears invaded my eyes again. I couldn't find my lips to open as they trembled heavily.
Damn.
"My brother didn't made it.." I cringe in my head because I sounded wrecked.
"I'm sorry..." He spoke despite looking at my haggard and breaking frame.
"Hey, Baek, you can lean on me... I won't tell anyone." Minho patted his shoulder and smiled.
That's the last straw. I caved in. I feel like I'll go crazy if I don't open up to anyone as possible.
This man doesn't know anything about the new me. The new me who pretends to be tough and all but deep inside I'm breaking. But there's something in his voice that tells me that he could tell if a person is suffering from the inside.
"I feel like a monster... I killed many people today. And I don't even know if they deserve it or not." I cried. He didn't respond and it made my stomach churn most unpleasantly. His silence shouts at me as I did maybe become a monster back there for a moment.
"I think I'm losing my m-mind," I whispered. Scared that the others might hear my confession. Scared of the unknown.
I grabbed his neck and hugged him tightly. I don't know but all this time I feel like I needed someone to lean on. I'm seeking care and love.
When the world was still spinning in a normal way. I never listen to my parents like the good son that I should have been. Never listened to my brother as well. With my brother, I always do the opposite thing he says. I've never liked his teasing when all he had to do was make fun of me, that just after those times that I realized that it is the way of telling me that he cares and loves me.
I regret so many things. I regret whenever my family asks me to have a family dinner together but I opt to ditch it. I regret every family quality time that I should have experienced when I still have time. I regret not telling them how much they mean to me. I regret how I don't hug back or smile back at them. I regret not telling them I love them.
And I feel sorry for myself because I was born this way. The way that I don't figure affection too much because I thought they will always be right there for the longest time. Yet it's not.
"I think I'm starting t-to v-value my life. And I'm scared..." I sobbed so hard that for sure it shook him. He just caressed my back as he comforted me with soothing words. Thanks for the noisy dumb zombies covering my sound of distress away from the other people out there.
"I m-missed them already... My family... My siblings... I-I miss all of them so much." I poured all the tears. I knew this is a shameful thing to do but I can't help it. I needed escape. I needed someone who would listen to me without all of the expectations tailing me and Jongsuk was the best target.
"I miss my young brother too. He's like your age. He's the most important person to me." He stated truthfully that made my heart get heavy even more.
I just caved in on his embrace as I cried and cried. He just kept me in a tight embrace and murmured things.
"Do you know where I could clean myself up?" I asked as I wanted to wash the memory of this blood that reminds me how brutal I am. And also to wash the weary that clung unto me, hoping that my emotional state would vanish too.
"There are water drums near the E sec dongsaeng, you can wash there." He mumbles with his dimples coming on view. That made me feel small, made me feel soft and weak. The addressing he spoke was so foreign to me that I remembered the last time someone called me dongsaeng.
When I was under our roof. With my brother telling me to hand in the remote control of course he only calls me dongsaeng when he needs something but if only I have the chance, I would prefer the way before.
I cried again. I convinced myself to pour everything out now and don't let a tear for tomorrow but damn this is too much. This has nothing to do with the new me but just a fear that needed to be stomped on.
"Can I?" I cried as I looked at him desperately. His eyes towering over mine. Tears still flowing. My hands unconsciously clutched on his upper arms.
I felt pathetic. A murderer yearning for care and attention?
"What, saeng?" He smiled thinly, thumbing my tears.
I'm scared of the word...
"I miss my brother. I fucking miss them" I wept. My mind wanted me to stop but my heart is on advantage right now. This may be a regretting moment in my life when this emotional part of me dies down but I knew that this will create something. Both in good and bad terms but the bigger impact to the bad terms. Yet I don't care right now.
His smile widened with his eyes shining. A few build-up tears appeared in front of me.
And before I could take back my words for last chances, he has finally spoken.
"I could be your brother." He spoke before standing up and pulling me upwards in a tight hug and after that, he led me to where the shower area are.
"Shower first. I'll be waiting outside, little brother." He gave a small smile and left.
I needed to do this. Divert my attention away from certain people, especially the one my heart had been wanting to get attached with. Certain people like Chanyeol.
And if there's any chances that Chanyeol would have been the one who spoke to me in this kind of situation, I knew it would be the most dangerous thing that I could get into. It's not only for my sanity but also for my heart.
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