The low mood was infectious, because the next day Vivian sat at the empty dinner table, resting her head on her arms as she watched Dessi in the kitchen.
The after dinner prep was done, but the kitchen seemed to be where Dessi lived even in her free time. Well, so long as she wasn't out with the guards, anyway. Vivian didn't usually linger for very long in the kitchen areas, but this evening she just couldn't really be bothered to leave. Renard had said that he was going to be out in the garden for a while and Kyrie had already gone to Isaac for the evening.
A part of her wondered if maybe she should go out to the garden to see Renard, but another part of her felt like maybe it was too soon for that. If he was doing the kind of night gardening that she'd seen in Kyrie's drawings, then Vivian wondered if she should really be trying her luck at wandering in on him doing that. Especially when she herself still felt so weirdly vulnerable. Slowly closing her eyes, she let out a soft sigh as she buried her face in her crossed arms. The mood of the house was better now, but she couldn't deny that everything still felt a little off. Both women had been effectively wounded by Renard's confession, and while they were healing, it was not a painless process.
For Vivian this meant that she found herself temporarily a bit more apathetic towards going out to seek Renard; it's not that she loved him any less, it's just that she had less energy devoted to actively going out and searching for him. Kyrie, on the other hand, was trying to spend as much time as possible with the one she loved before the shoe dropped. Vivian had caught sight of her heading out to the stables more than once in recent memory and she couldn't help but wonder how Kyrie would determine when the right time to tell Isaac would be. After all, how could she possibly know when the best time to tell someone the worst news of their life was? And there was absolutely no doubt in Vivian's mind that the news that Kyrie had slept with Renard would easily be the worst news of Isaac's life. She didn't have to be as close to him as Kyrie was to know that.
As Vivian silently pondered these things, a soft clunk near her caused her to peek up from the comfort of her arms. In front of her was a slightly steaming cup and she watched as Dessi sat down in a chair to drink some tea of her own. The older woman didn't say a word, she just opened a book that appeared to be on cooking techniques while she slowly sipped at her tea.
Vivian didn't even really bristle at Dessi's approach, and instead she watched the steam rise with her cheek resting on top of her arms. The silence between them was rather comfortable right now, and Vivian had to admit that it felt good to have someone else sitting with her. Not trying to interrogate her or talk to her or anything, just sitting in silence. She mumbled out a soft thanks for the tea, and Dessi acknowledged it with a nod before the two of them fell into silence.
It didn't take very long of watching the steam before Vivian's eyes closed again. She wasn't asleep, but just as she didn't feel like going out to Renard at the moment, she also didn't really feel like drinking her tea. That felt like such a waste though, especially when compared to the example of Lady Dandridge. Mae was not a wasteful person and did not encourage such actions in either her slaves nor her daughter, so it felt almost disobedient to not be drinking the tea. Vivian simply told herself that she was waiting for it to cool before drinking it and that helped her feel better.
Except she wasn't really feeling better over all, she was stewing. The longer she sat, the more her mind drifted towards Renard and other women. Renard and Kyrie, Renard and Dessi, Renard and... Who knows, really, but she knew that he'd had sex with more than just that. She knew the nature of his relationship with Kyrie was different than her own, and she knew that Dessi's likely was as well, but could Vivian really believe that those other relationships would never venture into the territory that her own entailed?
At this thought Vivian opened her eyes and furrowed her brow at the tea: she couldn't really decide if she was glaring at Dessi across the way or just scrunching her face in thought. By this point Vivian's tea had cooled enough for her to be able to drink it more freely, and so she took hold of her cup with both hands and cradled it close to her body. As the younger girl brought the cup up to her lips, Vivian turned her eyes to Dessi.
"Why do you have sex with people, Dessi?"
The seemingly out of no where question caused Dessi's brow to furrow as she glanced over at Vivian. Her slightly confused and inquisitive look was greeted with a relatively steady stare from Vivian. There was almost a vague lifelessness to Vivian's eyes though, as if Vivian had made it to the point that she was so exhausted and tired of it all that she just didn't care anymore. Dessi's brow furrowed a little more from her expression, and she bookmarked her page before setting it down on the table.
Vivian felt a little ashamed to see this, but also relieved: relieved because Dessi was taking her question seriously, but ashamed because she couldn't seem to bounce back from Kyrie and Renard's reveal. Why couldn't she just get over it? She'd effectively reconciled with Kyrie at this point so why was it still bothering her? Vivian ended up averting her eyes from Dessi with a bit of a pout; why did the older woman have to see through her every single time? What sort of dumb super power did she have?!
"I have sex with people because it's fun and it feels good."
Dessi's answer caused Vivian to glance back at her, and she tentatively kept her own gaze on Dessi as she responded.
"That's it? There's nothing more to it?"
"If you're asking me whether it matters who I have sex with the answer is no, not really. I can be more in the mood for one man's style over another, I suppose, but that's about it."
"You don't ever... You've never felt that having sex with someone has made feelings grow between the two of you?"
Usually Vivian couldn't stand talking about these things with Dessi, but she needed to talk to someone about all this and Dessi was the most neutral party. Besides, she was... Older, and wiser, as much as Vivian hated to admit it. She had benefited from Dessi's advice more than once and she was hoping again that she might be able to glean something to help her feel better.
"You don't need love to have sex with someone. You don't even need to like them to have amazing sex. Some of the best sex I've ever had was with people I hated."
"... And you didn't come to like them even a little afterwards?"
"Ha! No. Not even a little."
Vivian was silent as she thought about all of this, and her eyes were half-lidded as she drank her tea. She wasn't even sure why she was asking all of these things anyway; she knew how sincere Kyrie was in not wanting to interfere with her own relationship with Renard and yet she still worried. If Kyrie was spending so much time with Renard then wouldn't her feelings towards him change? Wasn't it possible that she might come to fall in love with him if she had sex with him enough times?
Dessi was a very different person from Kyrie, yet her answers to these questions comforted Vivian's fears nonetheless. Maybe she'd just been looking for an excuse to silence them, and now that she had it she could rest a little easier. She did trust Kyrie when she said that she didn't want to come between her and Renard, it's just that the negative voice in her head so rarely left her alone. As a result, even if she knew beyond a doubt that Kyrie would stick to her word, her mind still found pieces to pick at.
Glancing up at Dessi as she thought of whether she had anything else to ask, Vivian was surprised to see that the other woman was still staring at her. While in the past it might've made her bristle to be under such scrutiny from her mortal enemy, now it just kind of felt nice to have her here actually paying attention to her as she talked. Dessi had always been like this though: the type of person who would sit and listen and try to help people with their problems.
… It's just that Vivian had been doing her hardest to push Dessi away at every turn.
What had she even been doing all these years? Dessi had been nothing but kind to her and yet she'd been doing everything in her power to turn her into the world's greatest villain. Sure Dessi had slept with Renard, but they'd never kept it a secret, and they'd never shoved it in Vivian's face either. Vivian had never once actually seen Renard have sex with another woman, nor had she see any evidence, so no matter how much he slept around, it really hadn't affected her own happiness. She still got plenty of time with him, and he still seemed to like spending time with her just as much as before.
If she could forgive Kyrie for sleeping with Renard secretly, then she should be able to forgive Dessi for doing it openly. It didn't make sense not to.
Staring down into her cup, she couldn't help thinking about what a spiteful person she'd been, and still was, to be perfectly frank. Even now when she sat across from Dessi the jealous urges lurked in the back of her mind. It happened a little with Kyrie as well and she hated herself for it. Consciously she knew that there was nothing to be upset about, and yet sometimes she still felt that burning hatred.
Honestly she... She was surprised that Kyrie had even wanted to be her friend in the first place. Vivian had been pretty aggressive in getting close to Kyrie, it's true, but Kyrie could've just remained silent with her and never really opened up. Somehow Kyrie had managed to see past all Vivian's bad points and for whatever reason, had decided to let Vivian into her heart. Even Dessi—whom Vivian had been actively bitter towards for years—had never come to hate her, and she felt like that was more than she really deserved.
While Vivian was grateful to have these two women in her life, at the same time it made her feel worse about herself: she was living with such open-hearted and loving people while Vivian herself was so closed off and distrustful. She felt like the lesser woman when compared to the two of them, and she struggled so hard to get herself out of the pit of inadequacy. How had they even come to be so loving anyhow? It was as if slavery hadn't done a thing to harden them! Or maybe... Instead of hardening the two of them ended up softening?
Once again she couldn't help hating herself for these aspects that had grown from her experiences in other households, but... But they were so hard to let go. She was getting better, even she could see that, but it still felt like she had such a long way to go.
In the end, Vivian let out a soft sigh as she set down her cup to gently rub at her forehead. She'd been so lost in her own mind after Dessi's comments that when she spoke next it was in more of a mumble to herself than anything else. It was almost as if she'd forgotten that Dessi was really there.
"I just wish I could shut off these thoughts... I know they do nothing but make me miserable."
Dessi's face softened with sympathy to hear this.
"At least you can admit that now. Before you would just continue raging with no end in sight."
Vivian gave Dessi an almost sad smile at these words, but soon Vivian was sinking back into silence. She had thought the conversation to be over, honestly, so when Dessi stood up from her spot to move around the table and sit next to her, Vivian's eyes widened a little in surprise. Vivian resisted only slightly as Dessi took both of her hands in hers, and here she bit at her lower lip to keep it from trembling. What was Dessi doing?! How was just sitting next to her making Vivian feel like she needed to cry?
Undeterred by Vivian's discomfort, Dessi gently spoke.
"Don't discount how much recognition matters, Vivian. Once you see the things you don't like about yourself that's when you can really start to do something about it. I know it's frustrating when you feel like you're not quite on track or that you're lagging behind others, but you have made so much progress! Think less about how you compare to others and more about how you compare to the you from a year ago. Comparing yourself to others will only ever highlight your own flaws and it will prevent you from seeing your own value and the path that you've already walked."
Vivian let out a soft hum of acknowledgment from that, and this was considerably better than the defeatist smile that she'd given Dessi earlier. She had averted her eyes now though, mostly because it did feel surprisingly good to hear that Dessi had noticed the effort that she'd been putting in to all this. She felt like she was continually falling short but here was Dessi telling her that her efforts weren't going unnoticed and that she was still making clear progress. It felt... Well it felt good.
"I know you've never really liked confiding in me in the past but I'll always be here for you if you need to unload your feelings, and from the impression I get Kyrie is as well. You may have quarreled with each other but I can see that the two of you have a strong friendship even despite that."
Finding herself wanting to succumb to the comfort that Dessi was so willing to give, Vivian was a little surprised when she felt her body just fall against Dessi's. Dessi was quick to adapt to the sudden weight by wrapping her arms around the younger girl, and she pulled Vivian in for a gentle hug. For a moment Vivian thought about scrambling to sit back up, but that thought was quickly dismissed by the comfort of being in Dessi's arms. Letting out a soft sigh, Vivian relaxed her body and slowly closed her eyes.
"Why do you seem to know everything?"
This was murmured out softly by Vivian as she nuzzled into Dessi, and Dessi just let out a soft laugh.
"You only think that I know everything because you can't see inside my head."
Peeking up to look into Dessi's eyes, Vivian scrunched her brow up to study the older woman. Maybe Dessi didn't know everything, but she certainly knew a whole lot and Vivian was pretty sure that she worked hard to make that the case. As if to test this theory, Vivian decided to see just how much it was that she knew about the happenings of the house.
"You... You knew why Kyrie and I were fighting, didn't you?"
Dessi was silent for a couple seconds before slowly responding, as if she'd carefully chosen her words.
"I certainly knew why better than Isaac did."
That was enough for Vivian to be convinced that she did indeed know what all had been going on, and she made a soft groaning noise at that. Had everyone in this house known about it aside from her and Isaac? How had it been so obvious to them but not to herself?! The only person who also didn't know was probably Raine, but that didn't make Vivian feel any better since she was only a child and wouldn't be privy to such matters anyway. She was on the same level as a child in terms of this knowledge!
"You do know everything! You didn't think to tell me? To at least hint to me about it?"
There wasn't any real anger in Vivian's words but there was a bit of agitation and distress. It was as if her misery was having one last hurrah before leaving completely. Dessi just gently stroked the younger girls head as she responded.
"It wasn't my secret to tell, Vivian, you know that. I advised them that it was much better to do things openly but they chose to keep things under the cover of darkness. It wasn't a decision that I agreed with, but I wasn't going to get in the way of that decision unless it somehow became seriously detrimental to the house."
The only response that Dessi really got from Vivian was a heavy sigh: the younger girl was all talked out at this point. There was absolutely no reason for her to take out her anger on Dessi, not when she was making all this effort to talk with her. As Dessi rubbed Vivian's back in a rather comforting way, Vivian found that some of her thoughts were making their way to her lips as well.
"I'm sorry I was such a monster to you, Dessi... You really... Didn't deserve it..."
A soft smile rose to Dessi's lips at that, and her eyes even glistened a little.
"It's alright: you were doing your best to protect your own relationship, I can't really hold that against you too much."
Once again Vivian thought how lucky it was that she had both Kyrie and Dessi in her life: they may also sleep with Renard, but they also both did their best to support Vivian in all her endeavors. Even if those endeavors included their shared resource.
The more she let out these worries and fears, the better she felt. This evening had started with her not really wanting to move out of the dining room but now she found herself wanting to get up and do something. Something fun that wasn't just work. As this idea began to stir in her mind, she was soon shifting so that she wasn't leaning against Dessi anymore. Taking a deep breath, her eyelids fluttered open until she was looking at the older woman.
"I'll get better though, just you wait and see."
There was a small smile on Vivian's face now, and Dessi easily became infected by the good mood.
"I believe it. I've never known you not to meet a goal you set for yourself."
A warmth emboldened her from Dessi's words of encouragement, and Vivian set down the mostly empty cup of tea before pushing herself up from the table.
"I think I'm going to go and find Renard now: I'm tired of waiting for him to come back from the garden."
Dessi simply chuckled as she leaned back in her chair.
"Sounds good to me. He's had more than enough time to dig around in the dirt."
For a moment Vivian looked down, hesitating a little as she thought about saying one more thing. She'd gotten advice from Dessi like this more than once, but she had never actually thanked the other woman. … Better to start late than never though, right?
"And... And thank you, Dessi. I know I haven't said that to you nearly enough times but... Thank you."
Dessi gave her a soft smile back.
"You're welcome."
Giving one last smile to the older woman, Vivian then breezed out of room with a bit of that lightness back into her step.