That night, I was locked in the dungeon under the castle, handcuffs holding me from the ceiling, since Kalil felt pleasure by seeing me like this. I was hopeless again. So, when he appeared, I smiled as if God had come to get me, and I begged him to kill me.
Praying to the Gods that I would go to the afterlife and not reincarnate again. But these assholes didn't hear me. It was like they were amused by my suffering and didn't want to put an end to it.
Heartless.
Thus, when I opened my eyes again, realizing I reincarnated as Amaya Alderidge for the third time, I felt despair taking over me. I tried to be indifferent to everything. To be introverted, so no one would want me.
Of course, it didn't work.
When my cursed 11th birthday came, my parents announced that the Crown Prince of the Astrophel Empire, Aiden Astrophel, had made a bargain with them. They would give me to him, and he would protect them during the war.
I was still indifferent, but there was hope somewhere in me because I thought that since he was from one of the two biggest places in the world, he would be different. But it was naïve of me. I had lived more lives than anyone by then, but my mind was still that of a kid. Of a hopeless kid who was audacious to still have hope in her heart.
Just like the others, he abused me without an end.
Aiden would beat me all the time, and I was mistreated by his entire family and underlings. Later he married Dove Lana O'Brien and made her his Empress, but kept me as his mistress since he said he loved my appearance even though I was useless to him.
I didn't die at 13. Though I wouldn't call it a good thing.
Astrophel kept me with him. And as much as I drank medicine to avoid it, he impregnated me with his first son when I was 18, but my babe was born dead. Regardless he kept trying, but it didn't work. By the time I turned 23, I had gone through 10 miscarriages and lost the will to live again.
I tried to drown myself, but his guards caught me in time.
I tried to jump from the top of the castle, but the Knights around the property saw it and activated a magical barrier that caught me before I reached the ground. Poison was useless, since they didn't let me buy anything by myself, and they would also taste my food and drinks every time before I put them in my mouth. Already used to my suicidal actions, to know how to intervene.
And then… He came again when I was 25.
A ghost of what I once was.
Roman Nebelhain had finally successfully invaded the Astrophel Empire, with a overwhelming army, after destroying the navy forces. So, when he reached the chambers I was in, I felt happiness rushing through me and like a ritual, I begged him to kill me.
I would be lying if I said I hadn't prayed for him to invade Astrophel and kill me. They didn't let me kill myself, so I hoped that Roman Nebelhain would bring me that relief again. As he did before. And he didn't disappoint me on that. While Aidan didn't live for the war, Roman did, and that's why he was superior on it.
At that point, I was only craving for another reincarnation, since I already knew in my bones that the ruthless Gods weren't done with me. So, when I opened my eyes again, as a newborn baby for the fourth time, I decided to do everything differently.
I wasn't going to sit still and wait. Hell no. I was going to only wait until I was old enough to be able to run away to the countryside.
But I was going to use my privilege as a Princess while I was still in the Alderidge Castle. So, when I was old enough to walk, I asked my father Rigel to allow me to learn martial arts and swordsmanship, and as they didn't give a damn about me, they let me do as I pleased.
Thus, a month after I turned 9 years old and heard talks about marrying me to someone else, I stole a color-changing potion from my dad's things, and with a handful of simple clothes, two daggers, and some food in a bag, I escaped through the underground system which my martial arts master taught me about. Using the potion I stole, I changed both of my eyes to dark blue, and my hair from black to dirty blonde.
It was enough for no one to recognize me. I lived in the streets for about two months, before running away to a small unknown town when the search for me grew wider.
In this town, I lived under the name Alexa Lorelei, an orphan from a neighboring village, and they all ate the lie since I did look like an orphan and I wasn't from there. It was the only time in my life that I could call pleasant, after all, I had been through.
Especially when an old female called Margaret Delucca, took me in. She treated me well like no one ever did. In all honesty, she became my family at that time, the only true family I've ever had. I'll never forget her peridot green eyes, her hug, her cinnamon scent, or how she was a baker and seamstress way better than the Royal ones.
Until the Kingdom was invaded by both the Nebelhain and the Astrophel army when I was 13 years old. I wasn't at home when it all happened, as I was hunting for some meat for us in the woods. But when I came back, I found Margaret's fragile lifeless body on the ground. Full in bruises, marks of sexual abuse, and a sliced throat.
That made me go on a berserk rampage. I got blinded by rage. I killed 16 Knights from the Astrophel Empire, seeing as they were the ones who did that to her, and they were in the surroundings. Until I met him again… Roman Nebelhain, my savior, my killer who released me from my misery in my past lives. My lover through death.
After losing Margaret, I didn't feel like living, since I had lost all I had. All over again, to the amusement of these damned Gods, who have been putting me on this looping of shit. Overwhelming me with all types of trauma, misery, and making me beg for death.
All I wanted was to die and stay dead. Fuck reincarnation.
To my surprise, opposite to the other times, he spoke to me. The deep depth of his voice throwing me off guard, "How does a commoner like yourself possess such magic within you?" His white-opal eyes descended to my bloody hands, that were as red as the crimson of his hair.
Roman proceeded to take away the effect of the magic potion from me, showing my true features to him again. In the second, some kind of recognition took over his gracefully handsome face.
He gasped amused, "To think I would find the lost Princess here! It's been years since people have been looking for you, and to think you've been right under their nose all this time. Your foolish parents even send word to my Kingdom about your disappearance," he grinned, expecting a reaction from me.
"Roman," I whispered, "I'm tired…" this time I let my tears fall. "I can't take this life anymore. It seems like we are connected through death," he seemed confused by my words, but I didn't care. "I know we went through this three times already, but please, kill me," I asked with a peaceful expression. "Only you can end my misery, my Prince!"
He arched his eyebrows, "Have you gone Insane, Princess?"
I chuckled tiredly, "Yes. I've lost my sanity. Four miserable lives were too much… I'm tired of suffering. I'm… I'm so tired," the tears kept falling. "Just… Before you kill me, I have a last request."
Uncomfortable, he nodded, "Tell me."
"Destroy the Astrophel Empire… Those Knights," I made a weak sign to the bodies around us, "abused and killed the only person who was good to me in my entire existence. You have to destroy them, my Prince. Kill them all even if it takes you 12 years until it happens!"
"I will!" Then he kneeled in front of me, his body way bigger than mine despite not being much older than myself, with a sharp and long dagger in his hands. "I'll try to make it as painless as possible," Roman whispered and stabbed it all in my chest, holding me tight in his long arms. "I'm sorry for whatever hardships you went through, Princess Amaya," that's kind of him.
"I wish I had gone to you…" I coughed blood. "I should have gone to you, my Prince… I'll try… try to find you in my next life. Thank you for ending my suffering, Roman… If we ever have a next time… could you call me Roxanne…, instead?"
He clenched his jaw, "Of course, Roxanne."
Smiling softly, I fought to keep my eyes open, "It feels… better… Again, you're the last person… I'm seeing in my deathbed. It's a… beautiful… view…" I coughed even more blood, unable to keep my eyes open anymore. "I'll be eternally… grateful to you… for everything… you've done… my Prince..." It was all I managed to say before being swallowed by the familiar embrace of death.
That is… Until I woke up again.
This time around, decided to go after him in this life. If there's someone who might be able to save me from this miserable looping, that someone is Roman Nebelhain!