I ran to my bedroom. I relaxed my limbs on my bed. I thought the whole situation over again and again in my head. It was my fault, I know it. I couldn't get over the fact that they were going to be sent away. I threw my phone out the window.
"No," I yelled, "no, NO, NO!" I spread my body out onto the floor.
There's a moment in your life where the colors fade. The world turns gray. The colors keep you running, curious, adventurous. When the blue, yellow, red, etc fade away your life is meaningless. Most everyone experiences gray. Gray is the moment where you look up and you see ashes, people who *loved* you, who used to. Grey is the moment where I open my eyes and see nothing useful. In a crowd of people, there is always one, ONE, that knows you like the back of their hand, will hug you every fucking day until they know your safe from yourself, it's a fucking lie. Or at least it used to be true. The only way to get rid of gray is to get a white. Once you add white the colors seem to blend, you see the world as it once was, you appreciate every thought, feeling, moment. It's never over. Now in reality, what is white? White is different for some people. White could be self harm, facing challenges, or even finding one you love. Black is death, you can't add any colors to it. And don't worry I tried adding other colors to my gray. I tried red, anger, regret, urgency, revenge, and even putting myself in danger. It just turned back into a deep gray. I tried oranges, exercising, change, warmth, and health. I tried green, growth, environment, tranquility, and harmony. Both of those just faded back. I tried blue, calmness, wisdom, trust, integrity, and sometimes sadness. I tried purple, wealth, Magic, spiritualism, creativity, and love. The purple melted into a deeper gray. I have nothing. I'm just a floating useless body in this space we call earth.
My world was shifting and the gray was getting deep. Too deep. I lean over my bed railing and grab the small tin I hid on top of the ceiling fan. I unlatched the lid to reveal razor blades that were sprinkled lightly with blood. I hated to do this after my promise, but I hated my looks, my actions, and myself in general. My legs flinched a little, but the pain got tolerable over time.