That shy, freaking Dryad.
Damn it! And I thought being blamed for the dryad's death and being chased out of the dark forest was enough, now she's affecting my emotions. I should have put her into a tree or something.
I looked around as bodies hit the wood of the execution block and saw the executioners laying lifeless in slowly growing puddles of blood with arrows in their eyeholes. Their axes were on the ground too.
My head wasnt on the ground. My head wasnt rolling away. Or bleeding. I blinked a couple of times and bit myself. I'm alive.
But they weren't alive. People meant to kill me weremt alive. They were unalived!
"Oh i live! I'm alive!" Oh thank God I didnt die.
I screamed and got off the my knees and shook every piece of me as soldiers climbed the execution block.
Oh, ive never felt so glad to be alive. The nymph wasnt in my head anymore. Her touch wasnt anywhere near, so i didn'thave a lot of fears anymore.
I couldn't feel it. Fear, i meant. I couldnt feel it, or even uncertainty.
This is not going to go well.
"Hello, welcime to my second life!" I greeted the soldiers who pointed their weapons at me, their swords and spears at me with a broad smile.
"Now, does any of you know where that asshole you call a king went?" I asked. "You can show hands."
"Stand down or we kill you!" The soldier at the front ordered me and i looked at his huge ears one would think he can fly with.
Oh his head! It was big! One would think his helmet was a cauldron. But he told me to stand down and surrender.
"Is your head full of rocks?" I asked him. "Or is your brain just rotten?"
He charged at me and i couldnt be happier. But this block! This...
I dodged his attack and pushed him out of the block, into the soldiers in line to be butched either by my nightmare or by Arium. Eitherway he wasn't my problem for a moment.
These were.
This cubic of wood and this bunch of monkeys.
"There he goes." I said as i turned back to the soldiers with a smile.
"Its wood." The voice of the ghost within me spoke and i instantly felt weak and sad.
"Excuse me boys." I gave the solders ready to attack me a sign to chill back for a second. "Nymph, can you stop talking or i will evict you."
"Wood, i can control wood." She whispered and i felt weak at the sound of her voice again. My knees almost buckled.
"So does the sphinx inside me and the fairy I'm high on right now!" I felt her dwindle and i felt bad. Wait, since when am i a hero? "Okay, fine, at my signal."
The soldiers looked at me like i was looney and they bluntly questioned my state of mind.
"Are you crazy?"
"Here is the thing, and i hate that word." I responded, but since when? Im having constant conversations in my head. "Shut up Andre! Daddy is still talking, Two, i am a living beastiary, so i am not crazy. But I'll tell you who is crazy."
They looked at me waiting for my answer and i looked at the crooked mountain of a half man, half ogre who asked. Guess shrek and princess Fiona did fuck.
"The God that made you. He just put lumps of mud together and called it you."i pointed at his hunched back, "is that camel's hump? Did you steal it?"
"Okay, youre dead!" He growled and took up his club.
"No, i still live. Wait am i a ghost?"
He charged at me and the nymph turned the cuffs into dust. I dodged and ran around the execution block as he chased after me with his huge heavy body like a tired rhino. Hitting wherei stood a minute ago than where i was.
"Hurry on rhino!" I'd shout here and there and the soldiers would laugh at one of theirs being made fun of.
Wait, what am i doing? I stopped a few feet away from the wood dust as he charged at me while humping and puffing like a steam engine.
I blew at the wood dust and it went up in the air and rolled out of the blinded half ogre's way to the executioners weapons.
Before i could reach it, a spear missed me by an inch and i rolled away and as i got up to my feet and balled my fist, my fingers wrapped around a handle.
I took a quick look at the it and sighed. Wooden daggers.at least i have weapons.
"Sure thing Dryad. Thanks. I feel safer already. No wonder you lived long."
"Stop being sarcastic. It can do damage." She said and i still felt weak and uncertain.
"Yeah, i hope so. If not, you're dead. Oh right you already are." I turned and looked around me.
I was in the middle of the group. Not anywhere but surrounded completely.
"Funny guy, got another joke?"
The demiogre asked and i sighed as i started deliberating where to hurt them the most.
They were bundled up in chain mail and armor. But the only things thay didnt have covered the most was their necks. Or faces.
Otherwise they were fully protected.
And i didnt have a sword. Or somethong bold, like an ax. Or the try me and die spear.
"Well, you are in luck, i do have one." I said as i smiled. "Attention!" I shouted and stood up straight. "And squeeze those buttholes boys! We're about to get busy."
They looked at me with puzzled looks.
Yeah i know, its not a comedy strip here.
"Well, guess you didnt take that joke." I admited as i took a fighting stance with wooden daggers. "Anyway, Get in line boys! Welcomes to the butcher shop!"
I felt the armor j was wearing slowly move up. Guess it was enchanted as it covered my hands and neck with black sandy like stuff.
Kill! The dragon inside of me roared. Kill! Kill! Kill! I smiled as it encouraged me in its sexy raspy voice that inspired me to dance like heaven was on fire and hell, well, i was a judge of it.
I atracked first.
The first one i could touch, I landed the dagger that almost bounced on his neck and almost stabbed him on his carotid triangle and the tip went in. Nothing else.
Can't say you lost virginity to that. It has to go full length to say you know dick.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Oh it did penetrate the skin, by a tip. Not bad.
But not enough.
I went on a rampage. Stabbing, punching and poking at noses and necks like I'm Count Dracula. Dodging and ducking, sometjmes getting stabbed and being slit, no biggy. Blocking and punching as i aimed for the sexy spears and seeing blood like its from seventy two virgins, rather than from these suckers with swords. I didnt know why but, those spears seemed titillating.
As i went for them, i wondered if they were good at mutilating like my nightmare was busy mutilating solders and making a ring of blood to rule them all.
"Hold on," i said and kicked a soldier into others down the stairs of the block and scratched my head. "Who is count Dracula?"
I knew he sucked blood but who was he? Really?
Ive never heard of blood sucking beings as long as I've lived.
I lookrd at my victims and concluded, the daggers were not bad. Not bad at all. Though they were not much of a help.
They just hurt but didnt kill.all i had in my hands was a little blood and nothing else. There were two dead bodies or were they just unconscious? I didnt know. The remaining twenty something were on the ground holding their necks and others sticking their asses up and bawling.
That is if they could breath.
But i did tell them to shut them tight.
But they were still moving.
J looked at my daggers and sighed. They weren't just hurting the soldiers, they were hurting me. Too many shards were sticking into the armour.
Good one nymph. Good one.
I dropped them and picked up a sword and two wooden spears.
I cut the spearheads off the javelins and tried the spearheads on for size.
They were bad. Unbalanced and terible to hold.
I dropped them and bent to pick up so.e good looking swords. As i got back up, my body reported, something was wrong.
Oh god, no. Dont make me turn into a humpback.
Please dont.
I got up straight as my back cracked like an old man's. I turned and looked around.
"Now where the fuck was that asshole of a king?" I wondered as i felt my body heat up a little. I think i picked the wrong phoenix.
"Hey thief king where you at?" I shouted as i turned around and looked at the enbattlements of the castle. Archers stood at attention holding bows but not drawing them on the enbattlements.
Why werent they attacking?
I wondered.