Katie
Where in the hell is Avery? He ran from the delivery room so quickly after I had given birth, without even offering any type of explanation. At first, I thought maybe he had a weaker stomach than what his tough guy persona would allow. As time continues to pass by, I am now left wondering if maybe all this really was too much for him. He was acting distracted during the labor and delivery; his heart was clearly not in the moment. I foolishly thought he was as excited about this as I was. Hayley, my best friend, keeps looking over at me, offering me a sympathetic look, trying not to be obvious as she occasionally stands inside the doorway of my hospital room, looking in both directions.
I look down at my precious son, who is swaddled in his blanket, sleeping soundly in my arms. I have imagined this moment several times over the last nine months, and not once did I imagine that Avery wouldn't be present. As I am taking in the sight of my baby, I remember what Avery had told me the day I found out I was pregnant. I was concerned over my choice to keep the baby, the doctor had advised me of the risk of it reminding me of the assault. Avery told me that we would pray that it came out looking like someone we loved. Thankfully, I realize, my son reminds me of Avery, with his red hair. It also made his absence sting more. I thought we were in a relationship, he told me I wasn't doing this alone, but here I am, alone.
"Do you think this was all too much for him?" I look over at Hayley with tears in my eyes.
"No, Katie, I don't. I am sure whatever it is that has pulled Avery away must be important." Hayley sounds like she is trying to convince herself as much as she is trying to convince me.
I sigh, resting my head back on my pillow, suddenly feeling the fatigue associated with giving birth. Hayley offers to take my son so that I can get some rest, assuring me that she won't leave until Avery returns. All I can think about as my eyes flutter closed and I drift off to sleep is that I hope he does.
I am awakened by the doctor when he comes in to check on me. He advises me that both my son and I are doing well, and we should be released the following day. I am ready, but I am dreading returning home. I honestly thought I would have more time before I went into labor and neglected getting the nursery ready. I already feel like I am failing as a parent and I haven't even left the hospital yet! Any other person would have already had their nursery set up prior to going into labor, counting down the days until their little bundle of joy would inhabit the place. Am I off to a bad start? Avery still hasn't returned, and I am suddenly consumed with fear that I may be doing this alone. Will I be able to? I had not prepared myself for that possibility. I can't decide if I am hurt or angry over his absence. Can I blame him if this is too much for him? I mean, although we are in a budding relationship, technically, the baby and I aren't his responsibility. My heart breaks at that thought. I hoped that the day my son arrived that he would step up and act in the place of the father. He has been here for me during the entire pregnancy, where is he now?
Avery
Sitting in my vehicle outside of the hospital, I am trying to find the strength and motivation to go back in and face Katie. I can't imagine the thoughts and emotions she must be experiencing right now. My head and heart are battling over which hurts more. I did this to Katie, and I am struggling with what I am supposed to do with that knowledge. Don't get me wrong, I know I need to do the right thing, it is just at this point in time, I have no idea what the right thing is. Then there is the baby, my baby, my son. There is more to consider than just my position as a law enforcement officer. My guilt is eating away at me, overwhelming my emotions, making it harder to breathe. I am sweating profusely, gripping the steering wheel so hard that my knuckles are white. I keep reliving the events of that night, searching desperately for anything that may prove my innocence, though, with each revisit, my guilt is proven. I don't know what to do now. However, what I do know, is that the woman I love, and my son are both inside this hospital.
The cool air from the air-conditioned lobby immediately causes some of the tension to leave my body. However, the closer I get to the elevators that will carry me to the maternity floor, the tension returns. I know that I am a bundle of nerves, and I really need to get my shit together before I walk into that room. As the elevator doors open on their floor, I draw in a deep, cleansing breath, exhaling slowly. I exit the elevator and turn toward their room, noticing Hayley is hovering in the doorway. She looks over in my direction, and I can see the relief etched on her face as she sees me approaching. I nod at her, and anxiously enter the room. In that moment, everything stops. I see Katie, holding our son, looking down at him, smiling, and nothing else exists. I slowly make my way over to the bed, as Katie lifts her head and looks at me. The questions are written all over her face, questions I am not ready to answer.
"I'm sorry, Katie. As ashamed as I am to admit it, the delivery was so overwhelming…"
Katie cuts me off, "Would you like to hold him?" She lifts the baby, our son, in her arms so that I can take him. I swallow hard as I lean down to take him from her. Looking down at him, I suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to protect him and be there for him and his mother. My heart feels like it is bursting at the seams, so full of love and adoration for this precious little gift. Am I even allowed to think of him as a gift considering the way he was conceived? "I was just thinking earlier about the prayer we discussed the day I found out I was pregnant. We prayed for the baby not to remind me of the assault, but for it to come out reminding me of someone I loved. He reminds me of you." My eyes immediately shoot over to her while my body convulses. She is looking up at me, her eyes so full of tenderness and warmth. Love. Emotions that I don't deserve. I fake a smile, lean down and kiss her forehead, taking the seat nearest to her bed. I barely hear Hayley as she tells us that she has some errands to run, all I can focus on is the little life I hold in my arms.
"Do you want to talk about what is going on with you?" Katie is looking over at me, concern carves her features, her voice soft and sympathetic.
My stomach sours because I am fixing to lie to her. In my line of work, it would be called deception, falsification, bearing false witness or testimony. No matter what I call it, I am being untruthful. "Like I tried to tell you earlier, the delivery was so overwhelming, I needed fresh air, and then I got a lead on your case…." I pause, I guess maybe I was being more honest than I thought.
"The lead on my case couldn't have waited?" Katie is scowling at me, her voice a bit higher pitched.
"I just thought I could follow up on it while I was getting fresh air." Wow, what a pathetic excuse. I can feel her annoyance radiating off her.
"So, you just left without saying a word?!" Katie screams, then inhales deeply like she is trying to calm herself down.
"I'm sorry." I look over at her, but my tears blur my vision. If only she knew what all I was sorry about. Will she forgive me? Will she hate me? Will she ever be able to look at me again?
She reaches for me with an empathetic look on her face. "I'm sorry. I know this was a lot for you. We have never discussed what role, if any, you wanted to have in this." She pauses, her lips twisted upward in thought, like she is trying to find the words to convey her thoughts.
I take her hand, while looking down at my son. "I want to be here, for you, for him." She squeezes my hand, then pulls away. Panic hits me, it feels like she is pulling away from me, and I realize I don't want to lose them.
"You don't know how much I needed to hear you say that." She sighs, like hearing that took the weight of the world off her shoulders. At least I was able to do that for her. She doesn't know how much her statement allowed me to release the breath I had been holding. She wasn't pulling away from me, she just appears exhausted. I can't imagine the worry and emotions she must have been working through while I was absent. She closes her eyes and I watch her as she sleeps, wondering if she is still haunted by the events of that night. She appears so strong and sure of herself, but is she being deceptive? I can't begin to describe the guilt and anguish I am feeling at the thought of hurting her, both that night and when I have to divulge the truth to her. I can only pray that our love for one another is strong enough to pull us through this. Although I am livid with Troy, he is right, I don't need to make a decision about how to handle my involvement in all this without talking to her first.