๐๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ข๐๐ฆ ๐๐๐ง๐ sent the parishioners home to 'in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.' Hundreds of joyful faces and overflowing baskets spoke for themselves โ the mass was a success. And although the event had ended at 9:30 p.m., the guests still mingled in the chapel until the clock hit 11.
When the people had finally left, we stayed behind and tidied up the space for the next day's worshipping. The cleaning process had taken us another 30 minutes during which I noticed Valeria's gloomy face and angry side-to-side thrusts as she swept the flower petals off the floor. Approaching her frightened me, but I still did.
"What's wrong?"
She glared at me, then at the broom she was squeezing. "I haven't seen Ronan yet," she said. "He promised he'd come during mass andโI waited for him in my room like a dumb ass but he never showed up."
My scalp prickled.
"Maybe something came up?"
"Like what? The guy doesn't do shit all day besides playing video games and snoring in the pool on his ridiculous inflatable duck."
"You've been to his house?"
"Um, yeah?" She gave me a 'duh' look when it was far from duh. "Like, a bunch of times?" Duh look.
Valeria's recklessness astonished. Althoughโฆwho was I to be astonished when I, a nun, even to some pathetic degree, summoned the devil. In the fucking monastery.
"Well, why don't you call him?" I suggested.
This was the last thing I wanted her to do, not wanting her, or anyone for that matter, to find out where Ronan really was. Also, heaven only knows how much I wanted to tell her the truth. Yet the words, ๐ด๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ด๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฌ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ข ๐ด๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ, ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ถ๐ง๐ง๐ฆ๐ณ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ช๐ด ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ท๐ช๐ต๐ข๐ฃ๐ญ๐ฆ, surely turned me into a liar, even to the only true friend I had who never ever lied to me.
"I did. He's not answering." Her lips pursed exasperatedly. "It's not like him. He always answers my calls."
I forced a heavy sigh in hopes to appear distressed.
"Have you not seen him at all?" She asked.
"Iโ" I paused. ๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ช๐ง ๐๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ช๐ฏ๐ช๐ฒ๐ถ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ข๐ช๐ฅ ๐ด๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ? I thought, but then I pictured her red physiognomy and thought, ๐ธ๐ฉ๐บ ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ด๐ฉ๐ฆ? And lied, "Haven't."
"I don't get it," Valeria kept shaking her head, the broom creaking beneath her. "It's not like him at allโฆ" Then she stared at me hard. "Where the hell is he?" Her demanding eyes made me very nervous.
"I've no clue, Val," I shrugged. ๐๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฑ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ญ. ๐๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฑ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ญ.
She frowned. "With all the crazy shit going in Montrealโฆno. He wouldn't go thereโฆhe's not stupidโฆ" she muttered to herself. "Maybe something ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ happenโฆ"
"It's possible," I prompted. "I'm sure it's nothing serious though and he'll respond soon."
"I fucking hope so," Valeria barked at the flower vase she was moving. "He promised me a heater."
We parted in the dormitory's wing, Val โ right, and I โ deeper down the hallway and left. Once I had reached my door, I was so afraid to open it my hands trembled.
By then it was nearly midnight, with the lights long off and grand silence long on. The monastery was in-and-out veiled in darkness and quiet. Through it all I could distinctly hear my heavy breathing and feel my turbulent heartbeat. I was bracing for something terrible. I did not want to get inside, my legs wouldn't budge. I had to force them.
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[music recommendation: Are We having A Party? by Cliff Martinez]
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I unlocked the door and stepped into another kind of darkness, thicker, blacker, quieter. The air reeked of wickedness, which the archbishop had had supposedly banished.
I couldn't see anything when I had entered, not even my own hands in front of my eyes. I couldn't hear a sound, so I wasn't sure if anyone was even in my room. I could only feel the constant warmth.
When I moved deeper in, I heard the door creak and lock itself behind me. Then I felt a presence. And a kiss on the shoulder. I shuddered.
"Who's there?" I quavered.
"Take a guess," responded a familiar voice.
"Ronan?"
"Warm."
I swallowed before pronouncing the name I loathed more than anything. "Asmodeus."
"Hot."
In the next few moment, candles, fifty or so of them, as if they were alive, began to crackle to life, revealing Val's boyfriend, in his unbuttoned stained shirt, stretched out on the concrete bench with a tureen by his side. His wolfish smile and bottomless black eyes turned my stomach upside down. My head began to spin at the sight of him.
๐๐ฐ๐ต ๐ข๐จ๐ข๐ช๐ฏ.
"Indeed, Genevieve Griffith, you are damn good at following orders."
"I have no choice. I am your servant."
"Precisely. You are one privileged bitch."
I wanted to respond with a reciprocal remark but reminded myself of who I was really speaking to and bit my tongue. ๐๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ช๐ด๐ฏ'๐ต ๐๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ข๐ฏ, I told myself. His body was just a wrapper for the darkness that only spat insults.
He was possessed, and it was hard for me to process. It was hard to take in the man in front of me who appeared perfectly human yet contradicted it simultaneously. His eyes sharp on a candle, hand hovering statically above the flame. Hovering and burning. It looked agonizing, but he didn't even flinch. I flinched instead, when he looked at me.
"Liking what you see?" Heโit smirked.
"How did you do it?"
"Do ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ข๐ต exactly?"
"How did you know how toโ" I paused, frowned.
"How to get this imbecile in here? I am very resourceful, you see. And, of course, not without your help, sugar." He blew me a kiss. My frown deepened.
"But the chalice? The open door? The timing? How were you able to predict all that?"
"What is soothsaying to an all-knowing god? Nothing but a child's play. Besides, I'm good with math," he replied. "Unlike an idiot like you who cannot put two and two together."
๐๐ง ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ญ๐บ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ข๐ฏ ๐'๐ฅโbut I swallowed that too. ๐๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ณ ๐๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ข๐ฏ. I wished it was him and not the monster in the bloody-looking tunic who sat staring at me mischievously with its black empty eyes and a sinister grimace.
"What now?" I croaked.
His next response rang with pleasure, "Now I will fuck you senseless, virgin."
Bile surged up my throat. "๐๐ฐ." I exhaled all the air in my lungs. I was mortified. "You cannot touch me. You cannot do this to me."
"Can't I? Oh, right. The old fart expelled meโ" a nonchalant glance at Ronan's shiny Rolex, "โtwelve hours ago." His grin widened. "Too bad I'm still here."
I heard myself utter, ๐ธ๐ฉ๐บ? My heart cried.
Just for a moment Ronan looked grave when he replied, "Sinners don't drive out sinners." And the wolfish grin returned. "So your hierarch can shove his aspergillum up his holy ass."
"The bishop is not a sinner," I said.
Asmodeus bursted out laughing. Thankfully it was tolerable for it sounded human, albeit terrifying nevertheless.
"I have encountered quite a number of nuns, and you are by far the dumbest. All humans are sinners, since the day of their birth. Since the dawn of mankind. Since you chose ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด."
Ronan's burned hand dove into the tureen and pulled out the apple that had been marinating in it the whole time.
"This." He stretched the swollen crimson fruit out for me to see, wine and the sticky juice dripping down his fingers. "Over your creator. You had one job to do and still fucked it up ๐ฃ๐ช๐จ time. Well, I ๐ด๐ถ๐ณ๐ฆ do not mind repeating history, especially with an ๐๐ท๐ฆ."
What he was saying and doing deeply upset me. I looked down, unable to bare his awful ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฏstration.
"What's the matter, nun? Can't handle the truth? Look at me."
I felt him rise. My scalp tightened.
"No. Please." I held his demonic gaze as he drew near. My heart sank. With quivering lips I began to mouth the Lord's Prayer. A finger was pressed against them.
"Shhhhhโฆspare me this bullshit." His other fingers slid to my neck; a small smirk adorning his mouth. "Look around, silly goose. You have only me to beg."
"I beg you, don't do this," I shook, imagining his gruesome words put to action any second now. My body swelled with fever. "Don't hurt me."
"Hurt you? What for? You have obeyed me. Placed my will before own hunger and thirst. You must be rewarded, not hurt."
"B-b-but you saidโyou said you'dโ"
"Poor little mouse," he cut me off, looking rather amused with my trembling. His eyes moved quickly studying my face, as if to keep up to the fear flashing all over it. "Refraining has surely weakened your spirit. You must nourish at last. Here." He brought the ugly-looking fruit to my mouth. "Sate yourself."
Pungent smell stuffed my nostrils. "Iโdon't want it," I murmured carefully.
"Oh but you do," Ronan murmured back. "There is nothing you want more. It is in your fucking nature, to want it." His black eyes took the color of the apple he was offering me. I gawked into their hypnotic garnet glow, falling deeper into their bloody depths. "Just one bite," his murmuring dropped to a hissing whisper. I suddenly felt hungry, and thirsty.
"If onlyโฆjustโฆoneโฆ"
I was losing my soul, do you see? And I comprehended it with perfect clarity. That harrowing feeling, which to this day I recall in sharp horror, I would never wish for anyone to experience.
However, a still scarier thing was the ease with which I was trading my soul for a bite of the disgusting fruit. How could I sell my infinite soul for hunger? For thirst? For the insatiable feelings that can only ever be satisfied for so long?
I did not bother to ask myself those questions. Didn't have a care in the world. I only opened my mouth acceptingly and gawped at the laughing bloody eyes of Asmodeus as my teeth sank greedily into the swollen juicy flesh. And let me tell you, this was the fruit made in heaven, so obscenely delicious and flavorful it was.
The sweetest honey could not compare to the sweetness that rushed down my throat. The richest wine could not match the one that intoxicated me. It was magical. It blew my mind, and my mind sunk into abyss of pure euphoria. I felt the room with candles sway before my eyes. Or it was I who swayed. Either way, I loved it. I fucking loved it.
"The good takes the bad. As above โ so below. My flesh is your flesh. You are mine, I am yours." I heard him say.
It sounded like an oath. I reacted. Found him in a blurry kaleidoscope of dancing lights and shadows. With eyelids low and heavy, I watched the man that towered over me.
Disheveled brown hair, handsome face, unbuttoned shirt and hard muscles underneath it. He looked like a dream, which I simply did not want to end. I wanted a bite of him like he was the apple. I wanted to taste him. I wanted to feel the rush of the sweetness again. The intoxication.
I felt my veil slide down my head, not by my hand. And then my wimple.
๐๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฆ๐ด ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ต๐ข๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ต ๐ฐ๐ง๐ง? ๐๐ฉ, ๐บ๐ฆ๐ด. ๐๐ฆ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ฅ ๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ๐ฏ ๐ฒ๐ถ๐ช๐ต๐ฆ ๐ข ๐ฏ๐ถ๐ฎ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ฏ๐ถ๐ฏ๐ด ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฎ๐ฆ.
I felt my curls graze my neck. I heard the sound of threads popping, my habit was being ripped apart. Then whatever was underneath it. Then I felt naked, beyond skin. And wet in a place I thought would never be wet.
"My name, slave." I felt him breathe into my ear before he kissed it.
"๐๐ด๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ถ๐ด." I moaned, just like he wanted it.