We had agreed to meet in my room twenty minutes after Compline, at 9:20 p.m. to be exact since the night prayer was followed by strict silence and the day was pronounced over. Valeria's attribute, a book with her little spells and charms, was sitting on my desk, but Valeria herself was missing. Good thing Ronan, the hot guy, had given her two old phones with prepaid services by Val's request, so I texted her:
๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐ข๐๐?
And received:
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐? ๐ธ'๐ ๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐.
๐๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐จ๐ช๐ณ๐ญ, I thought. She slithered in and out of the monastery like from a college dorm. I only sneaked out of here twice: to buy candy bars at a local gas station, and then to buy bread at the local bakery. Otherwise I refused to join Valeria's escapades, too afraid to get caught and kicked out.
But now thinking of Val probably having the time of her life somewhere outside the monastic walls while I was confined in those monastic walls, I was extremely bored.
I picked up the book. แดสแด แดกษชแดแดแด สษชสสแด: แด แดแดแดแดสแดแดแด ษขแดษชแด แด แดแด sแดแดสสs. I frowned at the name. Valeria surely knew more about its properties than me. I was a dumb-dumb when it came to 'magick' and treated things like these books as a total waste of trees.
So I sat in my dark cell on my squeaky bed with the Wicca Bible on my lap thinking of what use I could get out of it. I flipped through the pages: Introduction. Know your power. Herbs. First spells. The Clements. More herbs. More spells, for protection, luck, money, love. Blah, blah blah, my eyes sprinted through lines, for power, for health, for happiness, blah blah blahโฆ and then ๐ฃ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฎ.
๐๐ซ๐ฌ๐ ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐๐ซ ๐๐ฏ๐๐ถ๐ข๐ฏ: ๐ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ข๐ก ๐๐ฏ๐ ๐ฅ๐๐ซ๐ค๐ข๐ฉ โ๐ซ๐ณ๐ฌ๐ ๐๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ฌ๐ซ.
โก
๐๐ฏ๐ท๐ฐ๐ค๐ข๐ต๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ. As a summoning? I slowed down on the next three pages, carefully studying the being I was to conjure. Raphael: Divine Healer; Facilitator of Miracles and Blessings.
I assumed that was the angel Val had planned to invocate. ๐๐ฎ, ๐ด๐ฐ๐ถ๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ด ๐ฉ๐ข๐ณ๐ฎ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ด๐ด. I learned some more about the actual ritual and, just out of excruciating boredom, was ready to try it.
The only issue was that I did not have the right attributes. 2 pieces of aventurine, 2 of malachite and 2 of emerald; 6 big green candles; white roses or lilies of the valley. A wand.
Where the fuck was I going to get all that from, and at this late hour? Those were not the 'commodities' the monastery carried. The only place I could think of was my mother's crystal shop. Or Val. I shot her another test.
๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐?
No response. Whatever. I was way too bored and careless for the precision of what I used, so I worked with what I had at hand at the moment. I substituted the green candles for plain white ones, the fancy stones for Himalayan salt crystals, the wand for a tree stick, and the lush flowers for some apple mint blossoms, which grew in a greenhouse near the barn.
The latter was a bitch to get. Not only was the tray with the mint situated in the farthest end of the greenhouse, but I had to force myself through the narrow space and creep like a bug between all the bullshit plants that curled and twisted in my way, squinting so not to poke my eye out.
And on my way out I had managed to step into a bucket of liquid fertilizer and scratch my hand to blood on a nail that hid near the door. So that was fun. Oh, and did I mention it was winter? So I froze my ass while scavenging for the stupid plant. But once in my room, I shook off dirt and snow and went straight to business.
The instructions said, place the stones into a six-pointer, the Star of David, then stand a candle at each end of the shape. Unfortunately, I could only gather 3 big candles, and the rest were thin and flimsy. Therefore, I did not do a hexagon but poured salt into a triangle, and placed the big candles accordingly. The mint flowers โ literally my blood, sweat and tears โ were crumbled and sprinkled on top instead of the rose petals. The final touch โ lighting the candles.
I also decided to utilize the thin candles for the ambience. All nine of them, waxed in place, were lined up on that useless bench-like installation to get some use out of it. Now the room was twinkling with lights (according to the text, they indicated my pure love and intent) that created dancing shadows all over the room.
I kneeled next to the altar I had assembled, the book in my hands. I turned the page and was now down to the next step of my ritual โ Guided Meditation.
I was instructed to stare at the sigil of archangel Raphael, an odd looking medallion with some lines and circles and what not, portrayed on one of the pages. I was to do so until the sigil would imprint in my mind and I would be able to 'draw' it using the wand inside of the alter with my eyes closed.
I closed my eyes when the pattern became familiar. I was then instructed to sit still and meditate on my pure and good intention, no other thought polluting me. I was to imagine my worries, anxieties and unwanted thoughts as clouds swimming by.
I remember thinking, before all thoughts dissolved, how preposterous I looked.
After good ten minutes I became fully aware of the present. I felt the cold floor underneath me, my bent knees aching ever so slightly, my shoulders down and neck long, my heart beating slower and my breathing decreasing. I heard the soft crackling of the candles. I heard the occasional wafts of the wind outside, and when the wafts would pass, I clearly heard the silence. My senses were heightened: exactly ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ข๐ต I was trying to achieve.
I had opened my eyes for just a moment then to poke the stick at the middle of the triangle before I closed them back and by memory began to outline the sigil. I halted several times, trying to recall how the pattern went, but overall I thought I had drown it correctly. The last step โ The Call.
๐๐ ๐๐๐ง๐๐ญ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐๐๐ฉ๐ก๐๐๐ฅ๐๐ฆ ๐๐ซ๐๐ก๐๐ง๐ ๐๐ฅ๐ฎ๐ฆ
Diregere dignare, Domine Deus, in adiutorium nostrum, sanctum Raphaelem Archangelum; et quem tuae maiestati semper assistere credimus, tibi nostras exiguas preces benedicendas assignet. Per Christum Dominum nostrum. Amen.
โ๏ธ
I had to recite it 6 times for 6 candles. However, since my DIY altar contained just 3, I recited the prayer thrice only, butchered it with terrible pronunciation. Then I waited for a whileโฆfor absolutely nothing.
Obviously.
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
[music strongly recommended for this segment: "Unbound Purpose" by Secession Studios]
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
I rose from my aching knees and sat on the bed opposite to the nine candles that burned in perfect tranquility, staring at the unwavering lights with apathy. Faux. And to think there were individuals that actually fell for this crap? ๐๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ช๐ด ๐ด๐ฐ ๐ด๐ต๐ถ๐ฑ๐ช๐ฅ. I tittered. ๐๐ง ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ญ๐บ ๐๐ข๐ญ ๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ธ ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ญ๐ญ ๐ ๐ธ๐ข๐ด ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ, I thought, ๐ด๐ฉ๐ฆ'๐ฅโ
Something moved. A shadow? I disregarded it. The candlelight was obviously tricking my eyes; they were tired. ๐๐ฉ๐ฆ'๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฌ ๐'๐ฎโ
๐๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ moved again. My attention snapped. I stopped thinking of my stupidity and Val, or anything for that matter. My vision focused on the shadows that seemed to stir out of place; nothing suspicious. I rubbed my tired eyes.
A noise followed. Unobtrusive. Hardly hearable. Like a gentle breath or a waft of wind, just a bit clearer, as if the wind blew inside the room. My fingers halted right on the eye they were scratching. With one eye available I noticed shadow movement, another clearer 'slither' along the dim wall. I swallowed. ๐๐ฐ. ๐๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ช๐ด๐ฏ'๐ต ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ง๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฎ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ค๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ด.
Then ๐ก๐ ๐ ๐. The first candle went off.
It almost seemed like someone stood right above it and ever so gently blew it out. I stared breathlessly at the smoke that came from the extinguished wick. The feeling I had experienced resembled drunkenness, even though I didn't know what being drunk was. But basically, fear to the point of lightheadedness.
The whole space swayed gently, and I felt I swayed with it. In my head the same question on replay: Is this happening or am I going mad? I even remember uttering, "Val?" as if she was there, pranking me somehow.
The second candle died out. The same gentle blow, a soft breath. I remember shaking my head no, denying what I was witnessing.
The third candle went off.
6 candles left.
I didn't dare blink, goggled at the remaining flames with horror, and I remember how I wished for them to burn forever. Just as I wished that, the fourth candle went out. After the fourth one, the interval between them dying became shorter. And shorter.
And shorter.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine!
The last one went out so violently that the poor thing trembled. What was left were the three big altar candles that burned on the floor beneath me. But by then, my body was so numb, so rooted to the spot with fear and extreme confusion, that I couldn't even move a muscle to look down, as my eyes, round as saucers, still gaped at the smoking darkness that was lit up a moment ago.
I felt them, heard them go out. One by one. Angrily. At an interval of three seconds between each blow. I glanced down for an instant to register what had happened below me only to look up and find myself staring at two burning lights. It confused me to no end. I could have sworn all of the candles went off, unless my eyes betrayed me and I missed something.
Regardless of what it was, a fact was a fact. There were two flames burning. Still as a statue, I watched them. Observed them. They moved funny, floated yet maintained the same level and distance. At times one light would slide behind the other, and then the other way around. It was a baffling sight that became more baffling as the seconds ticked by.
Only some time later it dawned on me โ my candles weren't as tall as those lights, weren't as bright. Those were no candles. ๐๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ด๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฆ๐บ๐ฆ๐ด.
I felt a presence, I remember. It was so strong that I could sense its thick energy just by moving fingers through the electrified air. And I remember having this unmistakable feeling in my stomach, dread twisting my guts into a knot. Something was sitting on that bench in the darkness.
One instant. That's all it took for me to turn from a complete atheist to a complete believer, the feeling so painful it was hardly tolerable. My granny's demons suddenly had weight, meaning, reason, sense. There was hell, and there was heaven, and devil, and Godโฆ๐ฎ๐บ ๐จ๐ฐ๐ฅโฆ
The lightsโthe eyes flickered. I winced, but stared at them unwaveringly. Their movement began to make sense to me. They seemed to scan the limited space, curiously, thus the constant turning ofโฆof the head? I imagined the face in which those eyes were embedded. But dumb with terror, I couldn't come up with one, almost didn't want to.
My brain was too stunned to imagine what hid in that darkness. I could only goggle at the two lights that slowly took in their surroundings. When they halted on me, they glowed brighter. And bigger, it appeared.
I didn't dare move, make a sound. Blink. And as far as I can recall, I wasn't breathing. That was a long moment I had to endure, my limbs turning to stone in suspense. The eyes tilted. No, the head tilted, and then came out a deep, quizzical growl.
๐ธ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐?
A laughter erupted. It sounded horrendously loud. To compare the magnitude, a lion's angry roar would be a playful meow next to that blast of horror. It was more than beastly. Wicked. Dark. Fierce. And so powerful it shook the walls. Truly something from hell. I wondered if other sisters heard it. They had to, for how it thundered. That sound paralyzed not body but soul, gripped it with cold claws of terror.
๐บ, ๐ป๐๐๐๐. . . ๐ผ๐๐๐ ๐ด๐๐๐๐๐!
It, whatever ๐๐ฉ was, guffawed madly. And then the ๐ฆ๐บ๐ฆ๐ด, for they were eyes (the more I gaped at them the clearer they became) momentarily disappeared. Closed? When they appeared again, they burned like lava. And a ๐ท๐ฐ๐ช๐ค๐ฆ, for it sounded more human, albeit neither male nor female, echoed through the room.
"๐อ๐อ๐อ๐อ๐อ, ๐อ๐อ๐อ๐อ๐อ๐อ."
My brain registered familiar language. I swallowed down the fear that was stuck in my throat like a hot coal.
"Arโarchโฆangel?" I stuttered.
Silence.
"R-Raphael?"
"๐ฝ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐."
It growled; its derisive reply felt like a punch in the gut. ๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ฐ? ๐๐ฉ๐ฐ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ง๐ถ๐ค๐ฌ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ ๐ ๐ช๐ฏ๐ท๐ฐ๐ค๐ข๐ต๐ฆ? It truly felt like a dream, conversing withโฆwith what? With who? Were I only imagining it all? If I wasn't so deeply shocked I'd surely give myself a good slap in the face. But all I could manage was hoping I was still sane. And why did I get so tired so suddenly? It seemed my energy was draining out of me like water out of a broken vessel. I slowly inhaled and exhaled as I felt dizzy constantly holding my breath.
"Who am I speaking to?"
"๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ข ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ฐ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐."
The name sounded familiar. But as I tried to think of where I had heard it before, nothing came to mind.
"What ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ you, Asmodeus?" I asked, my tone neutral, my eyes glued to the fiery lights on the opposite end of the room.
Silence.
๐๐ข๐บ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ต'๐ด ๐ญ๐ช๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐๐ถ๐ช๐ซ๐ข ๐ฃ๐ฐ๐ข๐ณ๐ฅ, I speculated, ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฑ๐ญ๐ช๐ฆ๐ด ๐ต๐ฐ ๐บ๐ฆ๐ด ๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ฏ๐ฐ?
"Are you a spirit of a dead person?"
Silence. And the lights disappeared again. I thought of a more respectful question.
"Are you a man?"
Silence. Darkness.
"A woman?"
Silence. Darkness. I sat still. ๐๐ฎ ๐ ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ญ๐ถ๐ด๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ข๐ญ?
"Are youโhere, Asmoโdees? Deus?"
The eyes appeared suddenly, glowed and blinded me with how brightly they shone, like the headlines of a train, splitting my cell on black and white.
"๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐ ๐๐ ๐ธ ๐๐."
It sounded like a beginning of a threat.
"๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐, ๐๐๐๐๐๐. ๐ฒ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ข'๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐. ๐ธ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ข ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ข ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ข ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐ธ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ข๐๐."
The voice growled deeper the more it spoke; I could hardly make out the words that lashed at me. Not without difficulty I discerned sacral offerings, and how I neglected to prepare them for the guest I had invited into my house.
"๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ข. ๐ด๐๐๐๐ข๐๐๐ ๐ข๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ก๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ข ๐๐๐๐. ๐ธ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ข๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐. ๐๐๐ ๐ข๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ข ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ข๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐. ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐, ๐๐๐, ๐ข๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ข ๐ข๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ข ๐๐๐๐๐."
The gruesomeness it spewed was nothing short of grisly. But as if hypnotized to keep my mouth shut I could only listen to the otherworldly outrage and feel its wrath chilling my spine.
"๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ข ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ข๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐. ๐ต๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ข ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ก๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ข๐, ๐๐๐๐ ๐ข๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ก๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐."
"WaiโWhaโWhโ" I mumbled, tongue thick with shock. A tear ran down my cheek. I was afraid. "Iโฆdon't underโ"
"๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ข๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐, ๐๐๐๐๐."
The voice roared and the glaring suns went off.
I don't remember what happened afterwards, except that the following darkness lasted indefinitely. I might have had passed out. That is why, I think, it felt so long. I also remember the real daylight burning my eyes when I had opened them, and Valeria's worried face as she shook me to consciousness.