"Don't cry, Mireya! You know how my heart aches when I see you sad…I am sorry, it was my fault!"
Mireya wiped out the tears and then raised her head to look at me. Her eyes are slightly red and starting to swallow a little. She is trying so hard to keep them open, but I can't even see her eyes. Did she cry that much? I didn't see it since she was covering them with her bangs but if someone saw her right now, they would probably think that she was crying all day without a break.
"Mireya, I don't remember your eyes being so sensitive. Did you have an allergic reaction? It looks as if you were stung by a bee or something."
"No, it just…I have cried a lot this past few days so…my eyes must be tired from all this."
I don't think that that's the case though. Maybe she put too much pressure when she wiped her tears or her dress material caused her allergy when it touched it. Because seriously…her eyes were fine just a minute ago.
"You should go now! Your maids should see and do something about this…this problem with your eyes. It can be more serious than you think, so don't leave it like this or in the future, you would have problems."
"No, I won't! What if I never see you again after this? I have waited for way too long to have a talk with you and now I will not leave it be."
'I bet that even now you can't see me clearly with how much you are squinting your eyes Mireya, so I don't see the point in your words!'
"Can we talk another time? Your health is a top priority to me! I promise that I am not going to leave or even close my door to you, so you can come anytime and discuss whatever is troubling you. All right?"
Mireya's face lit up. Despite being focused more on her puffy eyes, I could see how she opened her mouth wild and that she was on high spirit again.
"That's a promise, right? You promised so don't take it back!"
"I won't! So, you better go now before they explode!"
What was I thinking? Of course, Mireya is not going to ruin my plan…she is the one who encourages me after all! She followed me on the spot even though Spencer was determined that I shouldn't be involved with anyone of higher status. She trusts me and my judgment, brings the best out of me and expects the impossible. She is my frien…"
[*Sigh* You were doing so well!]
"Raphael?! ...?! I-I was doing well? What do you mean?!"
[…Nothing worth knowing…for now. It's just that I felt some kind of a… strange feeling coming out of you. Worm, sweet, melancholic…rather disturbing if you ask me!]
Well, I didn't ask you about that, but ok! It sure makes me feel less lonely if he is back, despite not trusting him enough for giving the information that I need. I am stuck with him, it is nothing I can do to change that, only deal with it and forgive.
"So why did you show yourself now? If it's only to criticize me, hurry up before I reach my room. I am going to be busy reading and I don't need you to distract me all the time!"
[…tsk! You hate me, don't you?]
Where did this come from? I never heard…no, I never felt, even through his distorted voice I can feel some emotions. Maybe since he is connected with my thoughts, I know what he is feeling? Weeell....It sure does leave a bitter aftertaste, probably sadness or broken pride from this morning. This has never happened until now, so he must be really hurt!
"Why should I hate you, I see no point in doing that. You sure did make me angry because of your story, but that's it."
[And for not helping you that day…are you…no, do you despise me? I know that you can't find a reason to trust me after what happened child, but I am doing my best inside here!]
"…"
[Child?! ... Can you hear me!]
Why? Why did you make me remember?? Raphael is talking I should definitely answer, but I can't bring myself to say anything in return. Why are my eyes filled with tears all of the sudden, I am not like this! I should not cry, where is the point? After all, no one is going to console me… no one is going to tell me that it is going to be all right.
[… I am sorry! ... I know I am not that much of a help to you, but at least I could do is keep you on the right track. Don't have a change of heart now child! If you do, the wave of emotions is going to take you with it. Be rational, be cold and collected! For yourself at least!]
"Th-Thank you…I-I…will try harder! ...Don't, don't worry…I-I will not have a change of heart…I p-promise!"
I want to scream! Shout at everyone so they could at least feel a little bit of my pain. My body is all shaking from holding this whole inside…but I know that no one is going to care anyway. Why would they? In a world where some children have to be slaves since birth, where the emperor and nobility swim in money while commoners raise their hands for god's help…why would they care about my pain?
'I was trying so hard to forget, that awful morning when I woke up! So why Raphael, you should have been satisfied when I said I didn't hate you.'
I want to laugh at myself for thinking that day, felt like any other day! I wake up looking at the things that I recognize…my bed, my room, and the same calming view from out the window! I thought that everything which happened after the walk with his highness around the palace was only a nightmare. I couldn't move my legs…a dark room with a person I didn't know and then…an alluring scent that made me lightheaded, stimulating my nose and awakening all my instinct. I could smell it, see it all around that dark room as if I was in a middle of a red lake and the bed was sinking…I FELT IT… all in my body! I was drowning in it and couldn't move anything except for my arms. But that much didn't help me from going inside and suffocating in that bloody lake. I really thought that this was all a nightmare, but why did the reality hit me even harder?
"R-R-Raphael!? A-are, are you here?"
[…Yes! what is it now?]
"Wha-What is the meaning of this Raphael?! My back hurts so much that I could barely get out of bed and I can't even look at myself in the mirror with all these purple marks on my neck…a-a-and there are more…on my chest! What happened?! What did you do?"
[I don't understand what's going on child, calm down for a second! How can I do something from inside here?]
"How can I be calm…are you stupid? They are not big enough to be punching marks, they are small…like one or two centimeters long. And what about the bites? Who bit me…a dog?"
[…]
"Please, Raphael! Tell me that I am wrong! Tell me that this is all a nightmare and when I will wake up all the marks will disappear…tell me! Say that what I think happened didn't happen! Please tell me that the pain is from something else. Please!"
[…Came to reality child! What happened happened, and you know the answer to your question very well. If you fail to understand, I am telling you…this is not a nightmare, all the bites and hickeys on your neck are all real. And for the pain, oh well…you know where you fainted, that man took your body and…]
"STOP! S-stop it, please! I don't want to hear it."
[Can't you see child…they abandoned you! Look around…no one is coming to see you even after that loud scream, not even to console you, say all the things that you want to hear so much. The only thing left for you to do now is to embrace this feeling and never forget, because you have come this far and is absolutely impossible for you to just give up. And even if you want to, it is too late! Mark my words child…No one is going to come for you! They will definitely forget that you exist and will live their life as if nothing happened. But can your pain make any difference? No, it can't, and you know why? Because no one cares! So grow up and show them…show them what you can do. Now everything you do is justified for a great cause don't you agree with me?]
From that day as Raphael told me, no one really came to see me and both of my maids didn't bother to check either. I expected Spencer to come and yell at me for not attending my lessons, but he didn't say a thing and just opened the door with another key, let himself in, and placed a tray with food or anything that could entertain me while I stayed inside and left without a word.
For as long as I have known him, his silence meant a lot. In general, he was obedient and collected, but when it came to me, that was his way to ignore what I said. This time it felt most like compassion or like "I told you so, now bear the consequences!" type of feeling. Then was when I realized that some of them knew what had happened, but stopped everyone from coming near me, so they could not leak any information outside the mansion. I also didn't want to go out in public before all the hickeys and bite marks disappeared, and since they gave me so much freedom to stay and gain my confidence, I had to take my time and think about what my next move would be.