─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ [Part 1]
I managed to wipe away the tears and blood I had spilled in the bathroom before classes started.
Luckily no one saw me... I guess that's a relief for me.
I'd hate to have rumours spread about me as soon as I arrived at this school.
But well, it doesn't matter.
[─Well guys, today I have a surprise for everyone. Come on in].
I hear the teacher give me the indication on the other side of the door, which made me move. I opened the sliding door with extreme care and closed it the same way.
I went to the blackboard, and with pinpoint accuracy, I took the chalk and began to write my name.
Katagiri Touka (カタギリ トウカ) is written on the blackboard, trying to be as straight as possible. I hope I haven't deviated even a little, that would be a bad impression.
Making the most serious expression I can, I duck my head a little and introduce myself:
─My name is Katagiri Touka, I come from [Fujitsu East High School], I hope to get along well with you guys from now on.
Did that sound good?
I think so.
No one is laughing or making bad comments.
They are probably indifferent to this.
However, out of the crowd of students, one of them was the first to speak.
She is the best student of the two schools.
A clean tone of voice, showing complete indifference.
I look up, and make eye contact with the person who spoke, the only boy looking in this direction.
His comment was completely unnecessary, and it was something I didn't want to mention.
But that's right... I'm Katagiri Touka, the number one ranked student of [Fujitsu High School] from both east and west. The one who tops the list of students nationwide, without a doubt, ends up being me.
Without any particular effort, to be honest.
With my free time I studied and studied non-stop, as I had nothing better to do between crying and sleeping. Something I could use to give me enough encouragement, that's what made me who I am today.
Only there is someone I will never surpass... no matter how much I want to, that person's name is spread all over the world of Japanese literature.
And I'm...
I'm stuck, seeing that this person is the same person who was in the interview.
It was a while ago that I watched it on TV, maybe two or three years in the past.
[The Akutagawa Prize was given to the young literary prodigy, Tatsuda Manabu with his work "Mushinron no Catharsis", at the age of only fifteen, an unbeatable achievement, which places him among the youngest professional writers in Japanese history].
They showed an interview of him, it was a couple of years ago, but his face hasn't changed much.
He said something about the motivation he had for writing the book, I remember it perfectly.
[During my childhood... I spent a lot of time in hospital, and it was in one of the many coincidences of fate that I met a girl my age who had attempted suicide, let's put this three years in the past. From the experiences that girl told me, I based much of this book, also using some elements that my mother had in her manuscripts, in honour of her as well].
I knew instantly.
That was the same Tatsuda Manabu I had met, he was famous and remembered my name.
That made me realise once again that I was in love with him. I'd never seen his face before, so... I got so excited that night that I disgraced him in my imagination while masturbating non-stop.
Just like in my memory back then, I still think he's completely handsome.
I ignore the comments that are going on in class and just listen to the teacher's voice speaking.
─Katagiri-chan, can you take a seat next to Tatsuda-kun, it seems like you two can get along well.
─ Huh?
─ Huh?
My voice must have sounded stupid, right?
Ah, shit...
My heart is going 1000bpm right now, I don't think I'm going to feel calm being around him.
What should I say? This is hard even for me, I don't think I'll be able to stand it for long.
Should I tell him that I'm the same girl he was talking to?
Ahhh, I read "Mushinron no Catharsis" about thirty times, the book is even still in my backpack right now.
How would Tatsuda-kun feel to know that the person who was his inspiration to write the book that to this day is still one of the [Best Sellers], has read the book from cover to cover?
It's like an indirect love letter?
I walk from the lectern to my designated seat. On the left side of Tatsuda-kun, who is next to a window.
I have to say something.
Be witty...!
─I guess we'll be friends, Mr. Loose Tongue.
Noooooooooooo!
...
Noooooooooooo!
...
Noooooooooooooooo!
I got nervous and said something I would have said at my old school! Damn it!
He's not listening to my heartbeat, is he?
He can't see the shame I'm trying to hide, can he?
Ahhh, this is horrible...
─Don't talk like that to someone you just met!
Wait, don't follow my lead, you idiot!
I'm dying internally to be by your side, please don't make things more complicated for me!
Now's your chance, Touka.
You have to say something that will surprise him!
Don't say a...!
─Sorry Tatsuda-kun, did you say something? I think I heard a little dust fry talking.
Don't say something stupid, you crazy bitch!
What the fuck was that?!
That's a terrible way to start an interpersonal relationship, even a social recluse like me can understand the meaning of that!
Eat me dirt!
I see in her expression that she clearly has "What the fuck with her...?" written all over her, it's frustrating, but I'm glad we at least had a brief exchange of words.
─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ [Part 2].
If you were to ask me what I was doing during my lunch break, it's simple, I was just fulfilling my biological physiognomy issues by satisfying my worldly desires with a photograph of the boy I like.
That's right.
I was masturbating while having fantasies about Tatsuda-kun. I know, I'm a horrible person.
But isn't it the same with men?
How many men must have given a handjob to the girl they like? Admit it, you guys know what I'm talking about, playing with the goose, shaking the zuricata, clapping with one hand, that kind of dirty stuff.
It's the same in my case.
I did it because I like Tatsuda-kun...
Just to clarify, he's super cool, I've known it all along, but just thinking that I'd be so close to him makes me think this is all just a dream and I'm about to go back to my boring life!
If this is a dream... Nobody wake me up, I want to see this through to the end!
It's my first manic episode in many years... I can't help but be elated, for the first time I can enjoy the experiences of a normal life and appreciate the beauty of interpersonal relationships.
Although it may not please everyone, I suppose it may be a rather atypical start, but it can serve as a benchmark for me to improve.
After all, I have finally been able to meet him again.
Maybe, and only maybe, things can get a little better.
Classes are over by then.
I was willing to talk to Tatsuda-kun, but...
─Ehm... Katagiri, would you like to go for a drink with me? Don't worry about the expenses, I'll pay for everything.
He...
He completely beat me to it!
Nerves started to run through me.
Hold on a moment, what's this?
Was Tatsuda-kun always a predator? Huh? I didn't think of him like that when we were at the hospital, I thought he was more of a herbivore...
Why is this happening?
─It seems to me... well.
I reply, a little reluctantly.
Tatsuda-kun, for the time being, says goodbye to his friends and after that, we both leave the classroom in silence.
I was nervous.
If my heart was at 1000bpm before, I think it has increased tenfold.
What, should I go to a cardiologist? Nah, nonsense.
Maybe it's just me getting overexcited, again.
Yeah, well.
I doubt Tatsuda-kun remembers anything from all those years ago.
No, wait. If he didn't remember...
We wouldn't be in this, would we?
I wanted to bring it up while we were still on the school grounds, but I think it might have been a problem to deal with later if someone else heard us.
But whether you remember it or not, I'm still a little happy.
It's not like I'm very good with crowds either, but I think I can feel at ease if I walk side by side with Tatsuda-kun like this, even if it's just in silence.
We went to a park, and from a vending machine, Tatsuda-kun bought a can of coffee, probably for himself. And he asks me:
─What do you want?
─Cof...!
I coughed a little, at the beautiful profile picture that was shown to me just now.
Oh shit, if I took a picture of her right now, she'd notice right away, wouldn't she?
I can't do something so stupid.
Out, out with the impulse of idiocy.
I fight against my right hand, which was about to do something ridiculously stupid, and reply in a low voice:
─Green tea, please.
─As you ask.
Tatsuda-kun inserts the money into the machine and presses the digit on the tea can. With a thump, we know the can fell down. Tatsuda-kun bends down to take it out and after that, he silently passes it to me.
I can see he has a rather serious face now that I examine him closely.
Ah, I wish I was in the same league as you...
I guess I'll just have to settle for this kind of pointless interaction for now.
We went to take a seat on a bench.
Ugh...
I've been thinking about it for a while now.
But aren't we drawing too much attention to ourselves?
I feel a lot of gazes being fixed in our direction, maybe it's because Tatsuda-kun is too handsome? Well, it's normal when people are attractive. Especially when it's someone like him.
We sure don't fit in at all.
Ah, shit...
Just when I thought my happiness was on the rise, I'm having these kinds of thoughts...
I want to cut myself using the letter opener I carry in my backpack.
But I can't do it in public.
Let alone in front of Tatsuda-kun... I want to show him, even if it's on the outside, that I've improved a bit emotionally.
I want to...
─It's been a good time, Touka-san. I'm sorry for acting like I didn't know you, but I thought it was for the best, people might think things that aren't if we were so friendly from the beginning, seriously, I apologize a lot.
─Huh?
My confusion reached a new level.
The polar opposite of the thoughts I was having until a moment ago?
Then...?
─Manabu-kun... ─. I call him by his first name without thinking.
It's the first part of the agreement we made...
We would call each other by our first names the day we meet again.
Tatsuda... no, Manabu-kun smiles at me.
─The same. I guess this is officially the first time we'll be having a friendly conversation since we left the hospital.
At his words, I could only feel shocked.
An indescribable feeling runs through my entire body... and before I knew it, my vision blurs.
[I promise you, Touka-chan... when we meet again, I'll be a suitable man for you, I'll do everything to become a man you won't be ashamed to be in love with! I... will return your happiness!]
I thought it was just nonsense...
But that in the midst of all these tears I'm shedding, I'm able to feel the pain flooding my chest... I realise the reality that's converging around me right now.
Who knew that this would be the first happy memory I had with Tatsuda-kun, just before...