─ ─ ─ ─ ─ [Part 1]
I have a lot of problems.
There have been a lot of elements in my life that have built my current personality.
I don't consider myself a person of great ambitions, to be honest. My life is made up of a lot of problems not only socially, but also psychologically that I have both for others and with myself.
I spent a lot of my life in hospital, which made me miss out on a lot of things. I had to take several degree exams to be able to keep up with students my own age, it was not very complicated for me.
We all deal with trauma in different ways.
My mother's death could have been spared many repercussions in the future if it had passed peacefully or out of sight of all her children and those of us who loved her.
My eldest brother, Gotou, the eldest of all the sons, became a bedroom entrepreneur who does not show up at work unless it is absolutely necessary.
My other eldest brother, Nishino, the second son, could not bear the problem and is currently drowning in alcohol and women, unemployed.
My younger sister, Mana, the youngest among all, developed flat affect. She is a first year high school student, quite dedicated, and I think she is the one who has coped best with our mother's death.
On the other hand, my father became a gambling addict. I don't have much to say about that old man, but he has spent a colossal amount of money on his vice, Gotou-aniki won't let him touch my mother's insurance money.
However, probably the one who was most affected among all of us was undoubtedly me.
Since I was a child, I had demonstrated the same gift that my mother had, which was to impress people with her writing. Mum was the one who set me on the path of what I want to be in the future, and I am happy to have had her as a mother figure even if it was only for eleven years of my life.
The reason I have suffered more than all of them is because of the consequences of seeing my mother's death so close to me.
But I would have been fine... if only I had seen it.
However, that was an action that acted with the opposite effect on me. It completely messed with my head and I was unable to attend school for a while.
I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and paranoid schizophrenia.
I spent a little over a year in hospital, under the observation of doctors who were studying my response to both antidepressants and antipsychotics.
If I don't take the pills every 48hrs, I will start to show the symptoms of my mental disorders.
I will be sensitive to the looks and words of others, I will not be able to distinguish correctly between what is false and what is real. The schizophrenia I have leans more to the side of visual hallucinations than to the auditory side, but that does not mean that I am protected from the latter.
From my own experience, I know how horrible it is to run out of medication, I have to ask my sister to lock my room so that I don't do something stupid. That's why there are no windows in my room either, to avoid any disasters that might happen.
I'd rather fall asleep and wait for the medicine to come than stay awake.
Because if I am awake, I will never be able to be at peace.
After all, my delusions are too real, to the point of self-harm, for these delusions to become real. Of course, I have no sharp objects in my room for this very reason.
Whenever I am delirious, I feel my body freeze and I think my hands are stained with my mother's blood.
After all, I had tried to save her, innocently, not knowing what the consequences would be for me.
But if I were asked... I would do it again...
Because my mother, to this day, remains the person I admire the most. A longing I want to achieve. The place I would love to be in the future, is on a par with literary greats like her.
For that very reason.
I don't mind being broken or whatever.
What's already broken, can't be broken much more.
As long as I have my meds, I'll be fine.
And as long as I'm well, I can have a normal life.
─ ─ ─ ─ ─ [Part 2].
After having a proper conversation with Touka-san, the person I had established a good friendship with during my time at the hospital, it was time for dinner.
Right now I find myself chatting with her, via the messaging app LINE, as we share contact information.
- - -
[Touka]: So, are you going to read my manuscript? I've had it saved for a long time, I think since the release of "Mushinron no Catharsis", I always wanted to be a writer, but I never knew what was necessary.
- - -
Mm?
Wait, wait...
Did you read my book, Touka-san...?
- - -
[Touka]: Of course, I loved it. You based it on my life experience, right?
- - -
Uh...
Yeah, it sounds like you've read it.
Actually, I took an old manuscript of my mother's to take the basis and adapted it in my own way to use everything she told me about her life experience that led her to be in the same hospital as me.
I think Touka-san was an important part of my rehabilitation, I consider her a very good friend and all that, so I wrote that book in honour of her.
- - -
[Touka]: I'm flattered by it, I really am. By the way, Manabu-kun, we only have half a day of school tomorrow, would it be okay to go out somewhere together?
- - -
Mm.
Actually, yes.
We can talk about that another time, right now I have to have dinner, I promised my sister that we'll always eat at the same time no matter what, so I can't procrastinate.
I'll give you the details later, okay?
- - -
[Touka]: Okay! Enjoy your meal, Manabu-kun, I should get something to eat too.
- - -
After that, I put my smartphone on the bed.
Now is when I should do my best to be a proper big brother.
Just in time.
─Manabu-kun, Mana-chan has already prepared dinner! Go downstairs and eat.
Entering my room, a brown-haired girl with a face that I would describe as a sign of pure innocence comes up to me.
I smile a little, and standing up, I answer her:
─Thank you very much, Manaka. You always go out of your way to help this family full of weirdos.
Her name is Kotonoha Manaka (ことのは マナカ). She is our lifelong neighbour, a childhood friend of mine and my younger sister. We get along quite well, as our names share the same two syllables in one repetition.
Short brown hair, big eyes, small nose and a great kindness in her heart, that's Kotonoha Manaka to me. My childhood friend and the other person who has been aware of me.
Mana (my younger sister), can't take care of me completely, so we depend on Manaka and her family a little bit.
My father always keeps bowing his head in gratitude for the Kotonoha's kindness to us, especially to me, the son most affected by the death of the family matriarch.
Kotonoha and I have been together since kindergarten, so I consider her part of my family.
That's how much I cherish her.
Not at all, I'm the one who should be grateful for letting me help. After all, I've known you and your family all my life. I'm sure Aunt Kana would be happy to know that I'm helping you.
─No, really, thank you, Manaka. I don't know what I would do if you weren't with us.
Knowing that I have her permission, I put my right hand in her hair and undo her hair.
Manaka, as if in obedience, moves a little closer to me as I stroke her head. Perhaps she has become quite used to this. After all, she is smiling right now.
I walk out of my room, look to the door on the left and see that there is a tray of food sitting there.
She even cares about my older brother's food, as you can see, Kotonoha Manaka is the perfect example of a wife. But of course, someone else's, not mine.
I'd hate for a girl as good as her to be wasted on me. That's why I treat her first and foremost as a younger sister to me.
She has a future ahead of her, she doesn't have to spend it on a madman like me.
With Manaka behind me, I walk down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, stands my younger sister with mostly dark hair but with white highlights. She has a cold, emotionless, doll-like face, I can't tell what she's thinking. She looks at me, silent.
The food has already been served.
As usual, we have no traditional Japanese food on the table.
Ever since I got my PTSD, I've repudiated Japanese food to the end. I can't smell it, let alone eat it.
Although I know that the ingredients may be the same as in Western food, if I am aware of the typical elements of Japanese food integrated into a dish, I doubt I will be able to eat it.
That's why since then, I have been teasing everyone in this house for being unable to eat the same food they want.
I always tell my younger sister not to worry about me to that extent, after all, there's no need to go to all that trouble for someone like me. I can buy my own food, of course.
However, although it may not seem like it, Mana and I have a very good relationship. She can't easily trust others, so that's why we maintain a more or less close brotherly relationship.
At least for Mana, expressing the feelings she has inside is very difficult. It's not that she doesn't have those feelings, but that she is almost completely unable to express them either in words or actions.
That's why we are the way we are.
I take a seat at the table across from Mana.
On the other side, Manaka sits in the middle of us.
─Thank you for the food.
─Thank you for the food.
─Thank you for the food.
In unison, we said the same words, as we are always used to.
We take the cutlery and in silence, we eat our dinner.
There is no need for conversation, since after all, this is just a routine repetition that Mana and I do.
Since we can't be together all day, as she studies at [Fujitsu East]. I'd rather pay for my sister's school with my part of the allowance than have to use it on my own.
I want the best for Mana.
Well...
I'm probably an overprotective older brother.
But as someone who suffers from a strong mental degeneration, I think my perception about the world is different from everyone else's. It's only going to continue to get worse as time goes on, as the medications become less and less effective.
So, as long as I can keep my rational mind, I want the best for my younger sister.
I would definitely hate to not be able to protect her while I can still think. She deserves the best.
Because of that, that's why I keep moving my cards one by one to create the path she will walk in the future, increasing more and more money in front of her so she can take advantage of it.
I don't want inheritance nor will I fight for it, as I don't need it.
Even if I were to live beyond twenty years, I want absolutely nothing at all.
With each passing day, my mind becomes more and more destroyed, medications only delay the inevitable while suppressing the symptoms of my disease.
Mana will be a successful woman in the future.
Not like me, whose fate twenty years in the future will probably end up being in a padded white room. I'd rather end my life than come to such a pitiful conclusion.
As long as I keep that mentality... I will be able to fulfill my mother's last wish, which is for me to take care of Mana. I will, until I make sure that she will be happy.
I just have to wear a smile. And that's all...
─ ─ ─ ─ ─ [Part 3].
After dinner was finished, Manaka and I let Mana go to sleep, so we could take care of doing the dishes.
─It's been many years since the three of us played together, don't you think that's so?
─I guess, it's been a long time since then... Mana's smile is now just a memory in my mind.
We were casually chatting.
Well, it's not like it matters much, anyway.
It's the kind of conversations we've had since the tragedy. It's not like we've had to talk like this all the time.
Manaka and I have been together our whole lives.
If there's anyone who knows me better than I know myself, it's definitely Kotonaha Manaka, my neighbor, childhood friend and most faithful companion.
If what happened hadn't happened, I may have ended up being this girl's boyfriend.
That's what I thought before, that we could be happy Manaka and me. I had said I would marry her, haha. That's complete bullshit.
We were just kids back then, so I doubt my words had any particular effect.
In the process of what happened with my mother, being put in the hospital and meeting Touka-san, I realized what I want in this life.
Just to make Mana happy, I will do anything.
I may have been careless with the words I said to Kotonoha Manaka, but... I guess it's not the same case with Katagiri Touka, to whom I promised to return her happiness.
I have to take care of her now, take responsibility for my words and properly repay everything Katagiri did for me in our time at the hospital.
Half-smiling, I ask Manaka:
─Haha, I still remember when we used to play house, you always wanted to take the role of the father, while I stayed as the mother and Mana as the daughter. Those were some good days those, do you remember them?
─Perfectly, but I probably enjoyed playing the married couple the most, Aunt Kana was always willing to be the priest back then.
─Oh right, I gave you that plastic ring back then?
I remember the good days of yesterday.
Us in the backyard of the house, with our cherry tree blossoming in full spring.
In such an environment where we might as well have made a movie, I remember how Manaka and I recited vows of love for each other while holding hands.
Mom always gave us the appropriate materials to play with, and just like that, she gave Manaka and me a pair of toy rings to use while we played.
We were mere children, not thinking about the reality of things and how complex marriage really is.
Maybe... and just maybe, we could have taken it seriously and come up with a real relationship.
But the reality of things is much more complex than perceived. Anyway, it's not like we care much about it to tell you the truth.
We're already seniors in high school, we don't have unnecessary thoughts and desires.
But if you were to ask me.
Yes, I would like to date someone like Manaka, however, in order to keep my promise with Touka-san, I must reserve my heart only for her.
In fact...
Even if it's annoying for Manaka to mention it... I have already rejected her in the past.
It was a little while after my re-entry into society, she embraced me with teary eyes as she declared her love for me. I was just digesting the fact that I had been separated from Katagiri Touka back then, and I couldn't think of anyone else but the girl who supported me during my rehabilitation.
I had no choice but to reject her, no matter how much it hurt.
Even if she was like family. Even if she was my childhood friend. Even if I ever told her that I loved her, even if it was in play mode.
─Hey, Manabu-kun...
─What?
Suddenly, Manaka mentioned my name.
She's already done with her share of dishes, so she doesn't have to bother scrubbing anymore. She is silent for a brief moment.
A few tens of seconds pass.
They passed so slowly, it made me uncomfortable.
─I always wanted to ask you, Manabu-kun? Why did you reject me in particular?
I may have been a little careless.
I stop my actions and remain silent, watching the water flow from the faucet.
─What I would like to know is, why did you propose to me? I think I'm up to no good...
─Don't say that, you offend me as someone who likes you. You're good enough for me, Manabu-kun.
...
Why do you say such things to me...?
Don't you realize that your words hurt me a lot?
─I... don't believe that...
─I like your honesty, I also like that you never lie to me, I like how you are so simple with your words, I like remembering the good times with you as it makes me remember the reason why I fell in love with you, I like how you care about others without expecting anything in return, I like your flaws as that gives me to understand that you are also a human, I like everything you write since we were kids, I like when you hug me, I like when you caress my head, I like when you say you care about me, I like when you don't leave me alone against the world, I like the fact that even though you rejected me, you still treat me in the same good way, which made me not to be disenchanted with you. I like that you are a good big brother, as much as a good son, I like that you are always showing a smile for the people who need you, I like that you are a complex man, I also like all your qualities, I like your sense of justice and your lack of ambitions, of course, I also like when you show yourself a bit greedy. I like your hair both the softness of it and the smell it exudes, I like your scent, I like your personality, your face, your hands, every last part of you, I like it all. Your tenderness, your coldness, your joy, anger, fear, disgust, no matter what emotion you show, I like you in an inescapable way...
...
...
...
My expression, I'm sure it's complex...
What kind of face am I making?
Surely... it's a jerk face...
─I like your expressions, how you smile when you feel happy, the way you quietly cry so as not to disturb the rest, your face of surprise, fear, disgust, even the serious expression you always have is charming to me...
─Ok, ok, ok, enough...! Damn, how can you say that without hesitating even a little bit? You have too serious a face...
It's a fact, she had recited all those words that mentioned the points that she likes about me...
I feel my heart started beating at a terrible speed. I might end up having a seizure, so I'd rather interrupt her before it's too late.
She's too honest with her feelings, I think I can say that...
If you're asking me the reason why I rejected her...
To be honest, I don't know.
But if so, I would have to answer her the same way.
That's going to be a difficult thing... since after all...
There is still someone in my heart.
Someone who no matter how much I want to, I won't be able to forget. That which weighs heavy on my chest, and makes it hard for me to be honest with how I feel.
It was my negligence.
I didn't find out what was going on, and to be honest, it's not something I'm going to forget easily.
I looked at the opportunity as Katagiri Touka came back into my life.
Why?
Simple.
Up until a month ago, I had a girlfriend.
─This time... Would you please let me think...? I don't want to have to reject you without thinking about the reason this time...
I certainly had hope in the world until a month ago.
But these were trampled on... not by fate, not by [God].
I am lying.
I will not think of your confession for a moment.
Because for me... Kotonoha Manaka, aside from my childhood friend, my neighbor, and my most faithful companion, she has one more trait that I prefer to ignore most of the time.
After all...
Because of Kotonoha Manaka, my girlfriend.
She committed suicide.