"Friends may come and go but the person staring at you in the mirror will never leave you no matter what – Unknown"
The next day, Shasha felt like she needed to go out since she hadn't been out in a while. She kept on pondering what exactly went wrong with her. There were so many questions in her head that only she could answer.
She took a bath. Put on a little makeup on her face. As minimal as she liked it to be. She didn't like to put on too much. It would be tedious to wipe it off later. Then she wore her mini dress with jeans jacket and put on her boots.
She had this kind of fetish for boots. It injected confidence in her. She hadn't put it on for ages. She loved to buy boots and sneakers rather than high heels even though she knew she was short. It was just, boots represented her personality more.
'Personality?' She pondered on this matter after she had chatted with Eden yesterday. 'What exactly is my personality?' She pursed her lips and sighed. "Where do I want to go?" she asked herself. She picked up her handbag and her car key.
She sat in her small car. She didn't like to drive a big car. The smaller the better. It was easier for her to handle. 'Let's go to the shopping complex first' she decided on a whim.
She drove to one big shopping complex not really far from her house. After she parked, put on her mask and she just wander around. It was fortunate that few cafes were opened for dine in. She chose one cozy café and found herself a table at the corner where she could watch the people who passed by and ordered her favourite drink. She had her brunch at home, so she didn't order anything to eat.
She sat there watching and did her thinking. 'Who am I?' Shasha asked herself again. She used to be wild and carefree as if there was nothing could stop her from doing what she thought could make her happy.
After she delivered her baby and cut off her contact with Jeffrey. Few friends who used to be close to her came to visit her at her apartment. She guessed they might ask Jeffrey where she was. They were in the same circle anyway.
Andrew came to visit her and the baby once in a while whenever he was free. He brought his radio along and told Shasha to keep it to entertain herself. He bought a toy for her baby and also her favorite dish.
She was really grateful to this good friend of hers. But, after she returned to her hometown, she had lost contact with him. She did try to find him at the company she used to work few years later but he was not there anymore.
One of the best friendships she'd ever had. He said he liked to watch the baby sleeping. It felt calm and peaceful. Shasha agreed to that. When she looked at her baby's face when he was sleeping, she felt there was nothing in the world could stain her mind. She felt she could do anything to face all the obstacles in her life.
Suddenly, Shasha's memories stopped at that moment. The feeling she had at that moment. Was that the one she felt after she chatted with Eden last night? The feeling that she could do anything? It was weird but the feeling was suddenly triggered by the least person she expected.
She had been living her life as an unmarried single mother for nearly 4 years before she married Sean. During those 4 years, she had been through a lot in raising her son, Jeremy who had celebrated his 24th birthday last month.
When things were so depressing especially when she didn't get a job, she faced it with her determination. She had done so many kind of jobs, as long as she could buy her baby's necessary things like milk and diapers. It was lucky she was staying with her sister at that time and her eldest brother helped her too.
When her son was 7 months old, she decided to tell her parents the truth. Her father didn't talk to her for few days and her mother looked at her with pity on her face. She was a woman too and she knew very well how painful it was to deliver the baby, and thought Shasha was all alone when she was in her confinement with no one was there to take care of her.
Shasha didn't think too much about all those hardships since she knew everything happened to her because she was the one who made it happened. She was at fault for choosing that kind of life at the first place. So, she had to bear it and deal with it.
She lost her cheerful side in making herself tougher. Sean came into her life suddenly, after 4 years not in contact with each other. She used to meet him when she was still in relationship with Jeffrey. He also had a girlfriend at that time.
After she delivered her baby, he used to call her. Maybe he got that phone number from Jeffrey or someone else, she didn't ask but he made that effort to contact her. He asked who accompanied her when she was in labor. Shasha just told him the truth. There was no one with her. Then he said, if he was there, he would want to accompany her. Shasha just laughed at his thought and told him. "You will have that chance once you have a wife in the future. You can watch how your wife fighting a battle with her life just to push your baby out".
Life was surely playing trick on Shasha where 5 years later, Sean accompanied her as her husband in the labor room when she delivered her second baby girl. Wasn't it funny and weird for something like that happened to her life? Shasha had a small smile on her face when she remembered that memory.
Now she didn't know what to do for her marriage. She did give an effort to fix it but it made things getting worst. She didn't want to think too much. The more she tried to think, the worst it was going to be.
She put on her ear pod and listened to the music she just heard few days ago. Then she sent the link to Eden. The title of the song was Stranger By The Day by Shades Apart. With the link, she sent a message {I heard this song few days ago and just want to share with you. I kinda like it but also hate it 😄 }. She knew Eden would not be up yet when she looked at the time.
While listening to the song, at the same time she was observing the passer-by. Few college students were walking in front of her. She assumed they were a college student from their appearances. They were young and still could laugh without so much restraints.
The image of hers when she was still a student appeared in her mind. She used to be like that too and now she was 47. Would it be crazy if she wanted to have that kind of feeling again? Was it too late?
After a while, she got a headache since she used her brain too much and she also had seen too many moving objects. It made her felt dizzy. She took a deep breath and stood up to leave. That would be it for that day. She couldn't stand to be surrounded by people 'cos she couldn't stop herself from looking at all the faces and tried to assume what all those people were thinking at that time.
It was late evening when she reached home. She took a bath and took a med for her headache. Then, she received a message from Eden.
{I'll listen to it later. I'm going out with my friends to check my course schedule.}
{What are you doing rn?} Another message from Eden showed up.
{I was out for a while, now just took my bath. Got a headache} Shasha answered while drying her hair with a towel.
Few hours later, another message came from Eden {Have checked my schedule}
{So, how many credit hours will you take for this coming semester?} Shasha asked.
{I have 7 subjects. 30 credit hours} Eden replied.
{Guess that's normal right? So, what do you think of the subjects you're going to take? Are they going to be tough?}
{All of them are tough 😂. Last semester it was still okay. But I don't know what it would be for this semester}
{You'll do good. You 're smart. Do you have any co-curriculum class? Is it what they called in your country?} Shasha asked again.
{We do have it} Eden replied.
{I used to flunk my co-curriculum class and needed to repeat because I didn't attend the training 😂 Well. If the subjects are getting tougher you need to put more effort and focus on your studies okay! Do I sound like an old hag here 😂 }, Shasha sent her message with a smile on her lips. She smiled a lot these days.
Later there was a reply from Eden {It's a fact. Everyone knows that. Can't judge you}
Shasha didn't know what kind of answer she should sent. So, she just sent {he he he}
She went to the kitchen and prepared a dinner. Sean would come back in an hour or two. She had her early dinner first since she was quite hungry.
Then she looked at her pseudonym IG account. She was thinking should she tell Eden the truth that she was 47 years old? She didn't think being married and with 2 kids would be the most critical problem for her to explain.
Not that she wanted to be in relationship with a 20 years old boy. She wanted to be his friend. If she could adopt him, that would be great. It was the age. Perhaps she sounded young in her message and she did send him her photos which she added only 1% filter. That was her alright. She didn't disguise herself as someone else. What she showed him was the real her. Maybe she showed him the young her. What would she do if she were still young at that moment?
When she was younger, she did what she thought could fulfill her own satisfaction without giving much thought on others. Without thinking about her future. Perhaps that was why she admired Eden since at that age he thought about his future and what he wanted.
Her kids were different. When Jeremy was 20, she had never seen him reading biography and he didn't even know what kind of life he wanted. The same went with her daughter.
Maybe because of their upbringings and the environment were different where her kids had an easy life and they had been given a lot of opportunities for their education in the country. Shasha had never thought about it. She had known but never thought about it too deep. She would not say Eden had a hard life. It was only the situation in his country and her country were different.
While she was still staring at her IG account, she realized something was wrong. There was no message from Eden anymore. And when she looked at the number of her followers. There were only 7 followers. 'Shouldn't it be 8 before?' Shasha furrowed her eyebrows and checked. Eden's name was missing from her followers and her followings too. She raised her eyebrows and felt a little bit surprised. 'Did he remove me?' Shasha wondered. She was blocked!
Then she opened their chat and typed {I think you don't want to be my friend anymore}. She got an instinct that the message would not appear in his chat. So, she opened her real account and searched for his name. When she found it, she inhaled an air to give her the gut to tell him the truth.
She didn't send a request. She just sent him a message saying {Hi. Before that let me introduce the real me. I am Lilly aka Shasha. Both names are my names. So, people can call me with either one. I am 47 years old. Married with 2 kids. I am sorry I didn't tell you the truth. Not that I lied. I was just hiding it. I just needed someone to chat and I was happy chatting with you. Maybe you think I am a scammer. But believe me I am not. The whole thing that I've told you were the truth and the photos were also the real me. I can understand why you blocked me. Anyway, Thank you for being my friend. Even though it was just for 4 days}.
Then Shasha sent it but later she noticed the message was not seen and her real account was also blocked. She couldn't help letting out a laugh out of frustration and then she sighed.
'You deserved it Shasha!' Shasha cursed herself in her heart. She made up her mind. She deleted her pseudonym IG account but she saved his filtered photo into her photo gallery. 'If fate allows us to meet again, hope we could still be friend'. Somehow, Shasha felt relief.