I didn't know a tactful way out of the situation. I was aware my silence was too long and so was he.
"It's okay. It was a stupid idea. I don't know what I was thinking.", he muttered quietly.
"It's just that…it's not a good time right now. I…have a lot to think about.", I said hoping to soften the blow I'd delt with my awkward silence.
At my answer, his expression looked even more cold and gloomy.
'What could I say?', I thought hurriedly.
"Maybe another time?", I blurted out.
I sucked in my breath and held it.
'What had I just said?!', I thought to myself, feeling embarrassed. 'Where had that come from! I can't believe I just said that!'
Did my brain have to have such a meltdown trying to figure out this situation, that I had to go and say a thing like that?
I brought a hand up to cover my stupid mouth as I turned my back to him. It was quiet for a minute as I cussed myself out, silently, in several languages.
I heard him let out a huff of breath in amusement and could almost feel the smile on his face.
In a much more cheerful tone, he said, "Yeah. Maybe another time. You've had a lot going on lately."
There was a moment's pause, then he gently sat a hand on my left shoulder. I could feel it sitting there like a lead weight, even though he applied no pressure.
"I'll see you around, Sinead.", he said, then removed his hand. I heard him turn and run off into the woods.
I stood there a long time; longer than was necessary. When I finally turned, even my fox was gone.
I let out a sigh.
'What the heck! What is wrong with me? Why couldn't I just tell him "no" and have done with it? Or at least, why couldn't I have thought of a credible excuse?
I know I don't want to hurt him, but geez. I consider him my friend. Why couldn't he just leave things that way?'
With a troubled mind, I tried to figure things out the entire journey home.
My day was passing by so quickly. It felt as though it'd just been noon, although by now noon was hours ago. I'd managed to do some cleaning around the house, as well as go buy food for the week and stop by a few other stores for my room mates. (We picked things up for each other now and again.)
I was now spending some time relaxing before I had to make dinner, have a nap and then be ready to go to the Lunar Eclipse club.
I didn't spend long sitting on my bed, daydreaming absentmindedly, when it occurred to me it would be nice to do some yoga. My body could always use a stretch.
I rolled out my yoga mat and misted it with jasmine and white angelica oils, diluted in water. Then I changed into more stretchy clothing and did some sun salutations.
As my back cracked and released the bubbles of air trapped between my vertebrae, my mind slowed to a more leisurely pace. I let it slowly drift from thought to thought like a bumblebee between flowers.
I would follow wherever my mind went but wouldn't engage in any thoughts or allow them to elicit any emotions or reaction. I would stay impartial and neutral to everything.
This was a type of meditation practice that I learned while I stayed in India.
I took a slow, deep breath in and as I let it out, I transitioned into downward dog. Staying here for a few breaths, I followed my thoughts to memories of my time in India. I'd stayed for months at a yoga and meditation retreat.
I didn't have money then. But that didn't matter. I'd slept there, had delicious vegetarian food and had five hours a day to practice. All the rest of my time, I devoted to cleaning, food prep, dishes, or whatever else was needed. That was the price I paid to stay for free.
Some of my best memories were of my time in India. But I'd also found my time there challenging too. The hardest thing to learn, was to focus and have control over, my mind. It was a thing I was still learning. Although I was no where near the level of a guru, my time at the retreat had made a vast improvement in my skill level.
The most helpful thing was the three-month vow of silence. Not talking with others made me focus more inwardly. With fewer distractions, I'd no choice but to focus on myself. I'd quickly learned how to adapt and learned to live with, love, and listen to myself.
At the end, shortly before I left, one of the administrators commented on how well I did in such a short time. He noticed a change in my demeanour, patience level, and happiness.
I smiled and with a few movements transitioned into eagle pose.
Another fun time in my life was when I went to the South Pacific islands. It was beautiful there. The local flora and fauna interested me, and so did the people.
Every place on Earth I went, I paid attention to the beauty. I found beauty in so many different places, the beauty in the people, in the town and villages, in the scenery, in the art, in the architecture, in the animals and birds.
There is beauty in all the world, if only one has eyes to see it.
I unwound my arms and legs and lowered down to my mat for child's pose. After that I focused on poses to stretch the hips and lower back.
At the end of my meditation, my mind and body felt as loose and energized as the water flowing in a river.
As I went downstairs to make myself some dinner, the smell of roasted meat and vegetables wafted up the stairway to meet me.
'Mmm.', I thought, as my mouth began to water. 'That smells so good!'
"Sinead?", I heard Saoirse call.
"Yes."
"Ah. I thought that was you. Care to join Amanda and I for some bbq tonight? I have most of dinner cooking already, and Amanda will be back from the store any minute."
"Oh. Did I forget to pick something up when I was out today? Or did she forget to tell me?", I joked with Saoirse.
"Well.", Saoirse said with a knowing smile, "She didn't decide she needed iced tea in her life until about twenty minutes ago."
I shook my head.
'Sounds like Amanda.', I thought to myself.
"So, are you in or out?", Saoirse asked me.
"I'm in. What are you cooking?"
"We got eggplant, zucchini, bell peppers and steak on the grill. I fried up onions and mushrooms and we can't boil the corn on the cob until Amanda gets back, or else it'll go cold too soon…"
"Mmm. Sounds like a proper feast!", I laughed as I followed Saoirse into the kitchen.