There was a long silence as we sat there and I tried to figure out what I wanted to say before I glanced over at him. I want to trust Elliot, he wants me to, and so far he is all I have to call as a friend at this moment. I glanced at my bedroom as I thought about a few things before I slowly moved to stand up and turned to him.
“You said to trust you right?” I asked him.
“Yes.” He answered.
“I want to give you something to show that I trust you, but I want you to get rid of it and without questions,” I said as I hesitated and my fingers were fidgeting as I tried not to feel nervous. “It’s just something that I have and I don’t know how to get rid of it.”
Elliot shifted slightly and nodded after a second. “Sure. Take it and get rid of it.” He repeated. “What is it?”
I hesitated before walking to the restroom to grab the bag and I paused before coming back to the living room. It was a surprise that I decided to do this, but I reminded myself that I wanted to do better and I wanted to trust him as well. Maybe this was the effort that I can do on my own or with help. I slowly walked over to him and handed him the razor before I regret doing it. Elliot stared at the blade confused before turning to me looking lost for words now understanding what it is and I shook my head.
“Just get rid of it,” I tell him again. “Please.”
“Okay.” He said as he safely put it away in his bag.
I took a deep breath and tried to find the words to say next as I sat down again. “I don’t… I don’t do that anymore if you're curious. When I want to relapse I only just hold it as a way to distract myself but there are times where I want to do it and if I keep having it here it’ll just convince me to continue to harm myself.”
I can tell Elliot was still confused so I continued. “I haven’t done it for a year and I don’t want my mom to see me like that. She can barely handle me now and I’ve been in worse states that I really can’t be handled.” I tell him and I look down at my hands. “I’m only telling you because I want to trust you. I want to be normal and do things that everyone can do.”
“You are normal. You just had something bad happen that you haven’t been able to recover from. Whatever that has happened to you was something you didn’t have control over and no one to help support you I’m sure of .” Elliot tells me and moves to sit beside me. “If you had proper care then you would have been better by now.”
I held my breath for a second before nodding, “I know.” I said feeling like he knew the words I wanted to hear.
“But at least you have support now, right?”
I nod, “Yeah, I think so.” I answered and took another deep breath. “Thank you.”
It was silence between us, again, as we didn't have anything else to say before Elliot got up and turned to me, “Come on.” he said as he pulled out his car keys from his pocket.
“Where are we going?” I asked as I stood up to follow him.
“Just to get some fresh air,” he said as he opened the door and I locked it behind me.
We walked towards his car and we began to head out once I buckled myself in. I didn't mind not knowing where we were going, but at the same time, I wasn't sure if I was even interested in wanting to go anywhere since I still didn’t know the area. I sighed as I looked out the window and realized that we came to a park after he pulled into the parking lot. We got out when he parked and I zipped up my jacket as I felt the cool breeze once stepping outside. Honestly, it was a refreshing feeling to be outside after I’ve kept myself in my room and getting a little bit of sun.
“I haven't gone to the park for a while…” I said as we walked over to an empty picnic table and sat down.
“Well, it'll be a nice outing and maybe we can get lunch before taking you back home,” Elliot said as he sat down across from me.
It got quiet between us again and I had to look away to distract myself as I tried to figure out what to say. What am I supposed to say? I don’t really know how to hold a conversation and I’m sure anything that I say would just come out gloomy.
“So, I honestly know how it feels to be distant with people and to struggle. I’ve had my own share of trauma as well after my dad died when I was seven years old.” Elliot said, bringing my attention back to him.
“I'm sorry,” I didn’t know what else to say.
“It's okay. This happened years ago. It took me a while to get over it since I was young and it kind of hurt my mom, but it wasn't an accident that killed him. He committed suicide.” He sighed heavily as he looked down at the table. “He was diagnosed with depression and he had a really hard time holding a job. My mom didn't know what to do because he would have episodes and she decided to leave him for my safety.”
I listened as I sat there picking at the end of my jacket.
“He thought he would never see us, me, again so he took a couple of pills and never woke up.” He said as he turned to look at me and straighten up a bit as he inhaled. “Don't take it the wrong way, but yesterday in the bathroom you reminded me of my dad and it made me wonder how he must have felt or what he went through.”
I pressed my lips together as I processed this before looking up at him. “It wasn't your fault about what happened to your dad,” I tell him.
“I know, but I also didn't make it better for how I behaved yesterday,” he said. “I felt like shit after you left and I thought to myself: how can I be so stupid to think I can help you when I don't even know you or know what you have been through that you don't want to be touched.”
It got silent again and I can feel the breeze brushing against my hair.
“I know that you're not like my dad and I don’t know what you went through, but handing me that blade made me wish my dad could have given someone those pills too,” he said after a second of silence. “So thank you, again, for trusting me.”
I nod as I tried to figure out what to say after hearing that. “I want to trust you because of all that we’ve talked about so far, but you shouldn't feel like you have to protect me either if we continue to hang around,” I tell him. “I'm sorry that you had to see me like that, but if we're friends then you might see me act out again and I don't want that to always be upsetting you. I get annoyed with myself when I’m like that too.”
Elliot looked at me and smiled softly, “But wouldn't it be better to have a friend dealing with you instead of being alone?” he asked me.
I took a deep breath and shook my head, “I haven't had a real friend for a while so I don’t know. Everyone in my old school was always nice and helped me out, but they never really bothered taking the time to hang out with me outside of the classroom. I don't even know how to be a friend, honestly.”
“It’s okay. We’re still learning about each other and that’s pretty much how it goes with making friends.” He answered. “Is that fine?”
I nod as I take a deep breath and turn away. “Yeah,” I said and I tried to distract myself by looking around the park.
“Do you want to go already?” He asks.
“Yeah,” I answered shortly.