I fluttered my eye lids as I tried to adjust my sights to the intensity of the light around. Everywhere was white like snow and around me there was nothing. It was like I was awakening in a fairytale land waiting for my, no; no, stop there bro. But really, where the fuck am I ? Shit my life is so full of curses, sorry I mean swearing words and not the curses itself before I start hearing whispers of words in Latin. Wait!, something flickered, which caught my attention through the corner of my right eye. I turned around to get a better view.
I saw a figure made from nothing trapped in a gown with a black cape covering most part of what ought to be a head staring down at me. Shit, seems like that was the magic word. I stared back at basically nothing.
Like nothing was wearing a black gown and cape ?.
Jesus!
Am I dead?
I have never heard of someone dying from a one time punch.
"Damn bro, you got yo weak ass beaten with a one punch, you got a Mike Tyson for a bully". The silent voice in my head laughed hysterically. Ignoring the mini maniac in my head, I tried to focus on the current situation.
This can't be true, I can't be dead. I mean who doesn't know the old man in a black gown and cape, while most likely holding a sickle behind that old back frame.I haven't even met Colleen yet! Oh lord please forgive me and save my life cause I don't want to die a virgin! I was slowly losing my mind.
"What! Of all reasons under the three seasons on planet earth, virginity and sex!
Dude what the fuck is wrong with you?"
The little maniac was ranting again.
Ermm should I answer that ? , I thought to myself.
"Shut the fuck up, it's a rhetorical question.
But it got a question mark at the end.
Dude, mind your business. Raise your head and
check that dude with the black cape! Why the hell did I get to be a mind trapped in this body of a clown, fuck!" the child like voice screamed in my head.
Ok, LM aka Little Maniac is pissed off. But I have seen that staff before! The black cape stared at it left hand then at me. That's a..that's a rea..a death reaper staff!. The instrument of death, which guides the traveller and all who journeys with him to the gates of Hades.
Lord Jesus, I truly am dead aren't I ?
Just come and carry me now to heaven please.
"Lmao! Who told you are going to make heaven bro!" He chipped in once again.
Well spoiler alert LM cause if I don't, you don't.
"He got a point LM", a high pitched voice spoke.
"Hey get lost LM and you too LF" I mentally screamed and snapped out of my thoughts.
They both went silent and that gave me the craved peace and needed form of concentration to continued w
"Look man, sorry sir whoever you are if this is some kind of prank you scared the shit out of me".
You win, okay ?.
How the fuck did I get here? Wait these are curse words and it isn't the first time you are using them! Someone shouted from my mid brain. why do I feel like I'm a decade older. Hey man I get it you were shooting some Halloween pranks but you scared me well enough now cut me some slacks and let me li…
The remaining words swallowed itself as I began to levitate.
Silence! ensued.
I gulped my fear as my heart pounded and the air around me fizzled and the word "silence" reverberated.
"Wow! Death reaper! I have read so much about you. I mean man, you have a fan in me", not attributing it to the fact that I have passed the point where a fan usually hangs from but I tried having a conversation with him. I have been known to be stubborn a lot so not my fault in this situation. "What do you say we have a little chat, get to know each other and who knows we might end up being best pals of the year or maybe century if you can be able to grant me immortality cause, I'm so infatuated in being alive, it's not like I'm dead, I mean I'm not dead yet though I can see you" gulping a ball of saliva "but to live forever!" I smiled with my eyes wide open and all bright.
News flashed.
That conversation was all in my head and you see at times fear can make stubbornness to disappear, so my mouth blurted something else out.
"Errmm… excuse me sir, please is there a door ?."
No response from the black caped figure.
"I think I got lost..."
"Ermm…. Please it's almost lunch period."
The figure made no movement. I guessed It's pretty annoyed after I wasted it time by conversations with my thoughts. But then it never approached me and I don't think it mattered though.
"Sorry sir, I think I would love to stand on my feet while staring at you because I think it's disrespectful for both of us flying and staring at each other on the same eye level. I mean since you are the famous fucking Grim Reaper, the bringer of death, it would be better I look up to you from below. Besides it feels weird levitating, I mean not flying while dreaming is different but not in reality.
instantly I paused, my last words going through my head. Flying; dreaming;reality. This wasn't reality, but a fucking dream. Immediately,
I felt myself moving fast towards it.
"Please pardon me, it's not like you are weird. I was just referring to me being weird". I softly spoke, not remembering when I said he was weird.
"Dude you do know you are roasting yourself right ?" a voice chastised me
"See dear mind, I don't care if I burn myself, long as I find the damn door and stop hanging like Sia wrote a song for me, a fucking chandelier". I retorted back.
I Froze as we were inches apart from each other.
The air around it was still and I was shivering. It was damn cold and everything seemed to pause or should I say really slowed down like a floating object in the absence of gravity.
"OK".
"I'm pressed, please can I make use of the bathroom". Maybe this lie will get me to the door cause, I can't imagine anyone refusing a human from taking a pee. Unless if they aren't humans, I mean terrorists do give bathroom breaks.
No response from the floating black caped figure again.
Suddenly, a raspy voice whispered to my conscience,
"DON'T LIE TO ME BOY".
I was shocked, not because of what it said but how he said it to me….. he sounded like a frog. And how the fuck is a frog whispering to me, like don't they croak?
"You making fun of me boy?" the voice asked again, slightly annoyed.
"No! Please I just need to use the door!"
Ha! ha! ha!
"You aren't going anywhere boy! And you want to know why?" I just couldn't ask why because I knew why.
I was close to almost pissing in my pants man, fear is a bitch!
"Mitch line".
The hoarse voice continued
"CAUSE YOU ARE DEAD BOY!".
I began to cry and the tears started overflowing like milk and honey. Welcome to cannan land.
Almost immediately I heard a loud deafening sound, which made my eardrums feel like they were about to rupture. I felt the urge to scream alongside with the loud ear piercing sound; to empty the sounds out. Was it possible, I didn't care.
I woke up with a sharp pain in my head and I was drenched in my own tears. My eyes stinged, I knew they were red and puffed. One would think I was coming from a funeral. The kind where you are paid to cry and you have to give your client their money worth. Looking around while taking a deep breath, the air had a stench of drugs and disinfectants. I was in a hospital, oh thank God. Pausing to think. No, I don't think it got to that level so this has to be the school clinic. I wondered how I ended up here, the second worst place to be in after school.
I would have preferred to be homeschooled, snucked up in my blankets in bed with some nice novels, comics and my computer. Or better still, have access to online schooling, c'mon that got to be fun cause after every lecture, I will just reward myself with some call of duty action. I just wondered if that opportunity will present itself like my school burning down or something that makes all kids to stop attending school. Eating some potato chips and biscuits when I want and… my thoughts were cut short by a sentence from reality.
"Hey, are you awake, that's nice. It's seems you were off for about three hours". The voice rudely interrupted my fantasy while asking a funny question besides complimenting his question thereby making me to wonder what exactly is nice about me been here.
Ohh humans! Dumb creatures! You seem to have forgotten you just escaped death huh!
Yeah true! I made a funny expression which told the adult that I wasn't listening to his words, but I did hear three hours and assuming that must be the length of my unconsciousness, three hours! How's that possible? Huh.
"Anyway the principal is waiting for you in her office". He rudely interrupted my thoughts once again.
"Oh no! not the principal again", as the big mouth and chili seasoning flashed in my memory. Can today get any worse. From one nightmare to another, now I know why they say only the dead gets true rest; just kidding, they don't.
"I don't think that will be necessary doctor" I said while flashing my cutest smile hoping he would be captivated and cover up for me like….
Dear principal,
This is to duly inform you that the student in our care for loss of consciousness due to a mysterious head bang is fine and on his way home. Simple.
The human voice chuckled lightly and I felt the doctor was a female, so I was reassured my plan was going to work. Just like Sexy Jutsu in Naruto; my favorite character in the series.
She seemed to have sensed my plan and quickly took of the surgical mask and shouted "barka, barka". "Off to the Principal office now!", the male voice screamed! Beads of sweats hanged on my brow and sticked all over my face as I came down quickly and walked away. Did I just tried to flirt with a male teacher, yuck! And yeah I didn't see some oranges or watermelons, that was the first red flag should have thought so. Plus the vocal tone, my head isn't still clear yet.
I guess I had no choice, as I walked with a bowed head to my nightmare. The door was huge, way taller than me; expected though. But surprisingly it's was made of metal, an iron door! Why? even banks don't do this unless it's their vault. I mean she ain't precious like the gold bars or millions of dollar bills behind every iron or steel door. I shrieked in horror as my brain processed some thoughts; was she expecting me? or did she force Penny to get me into this situation; yeah I remembered who knocked me out now. So she can take advantage of it?... but will I make it out alive without having a body part tasted? I turned around hurriedly to run away and bumped my head forcefully into something soft and warm.
I looked up meekly at the tall figure looking down at me with an incensed stare. Damn, that mass of flesh was so soft and warm. If not because of who she really was I wouldn't mind going in for another hug. Gulping down a mouthful of saliva I took a slow turn and opened the door quietly, walked in and had my seat while muttering to myself; it was over. A loud bang brought me back from my seven seconds day dreaming. "Take a seat little Brad brat"; all little children age nine to eleven had the word brat as their surname when she called them irrespective of special attendance roll call or when your parents called to speak to you. I had already helped my self to a seat earlier on, so I guessed the first line was a conventional statement by her in addressing people. You might as well describe her like Mrs. Trunchbull in Matilda; a perfect example. But the difference is my main terror isn't the principal and she doesn't hold little children by their hair and fling them and I am not Matilda, yeah that little chick loves books and school. I'm more like Scooby doo, the meddling kid!
"But you are afraid of the principal Brad, so how come she isn't your main terror" LF asked me quietly. "Umm...." I was lost for words.
"So Brad the brat or Brad brat, how should I address you?"
"Any that pleases you ma," I answered while staring down.
"or any that makes me see you at night ma" LM was laughing and screaming loudly as he demonstrated the hand waves of a choir master.
"Hm, ok. Brad the little brat it is!"
I looked up for an instant with a bewildered countenance.
"C'mon that's not even among the options you gave me! What's with everyone and my height! I screamed in frustration."
"Watch your voice young man, who do you think is doing the naming here." She spoke to me sternly.
"You principal, you; i responded while stressing the letter u."
"Good boy" She spoke softly.
Now why is that sounding so soft and sultry.
"You know why you were in the clinic right?"
"Yes, ma. Penny and I fought, I ended up being unlucky" I said sulkily.
"No, you are wrong". She stared at me grinning ear to ear
Surprise masked my face like : really? "Ok, what happened then?".
"It's wasn't a fighting that occurred, it's was a beating and I'm pretty sure you nearly pissed your pants due to the after effect."
Speaking about my dream that sure was enough to piss my pants.
"Yo LF, come check this out. Brad Mike Tyson friend knocked the shit out of him till he saw the Grim Reaper!" Even LF couldn't hold himself ad he bursted into a fit of laughter. Both of them were laughing furiously while I stared ahead at my principal.
Yeah this one isn't a lie like who wouldn't.
"Penny knocked the air out of you! Learn to always pick on your own size next time, you are dismissed".
"Ok ma", I was happy no punishment was attached. I had hate if mom knew about it.
Walking out of her office, my eyes was drawn to a painting of Mona Lisa by Da Vinci, how I loved that painting and begged mum to buy one for me. A dud though which was obvious, cause the French government police force and security agencies were still sitting put with regular duties.
But it's was still awesome, and she caught me staring at it.
"Leave Brad, before you do kids natural way of begging."
"What's kids natural way of begging?" I quietly asked.
"Oh I know; mom please, mommy please. I'm begging you, please na, you are doing your own now, I won't give you my ice cream next time, please na, or I will tell Daddy for you, you can add yours" she screwed her face in an ugly way while talking and it just reminded me of the Joker face after a long hard night with the batman. Not what you think, I mean blowing bubbles at day and fighting crime at night.
"If you want one tell your mum to get it for you.
Yeah and that reminds me, inform your mum that her presence is needed in school next week Monday."
"Oh shit!"
You see when they say leave and you don't want to hear word that kind of thing is just going to happen.
I would have left when I was dismissed. See what Mona Lisa has caused.
It's was closure time when I left her office. After grabbing my backpack, I headed home. I told momma, she just nodded her head and said nothing. The air reminded me of the suicide incident as I picked up a comic book "Injustice, Gods among us" by DC comics to bury my attention in it.
"The suicide incident"
There was a time when I entered my new class and I saw him talking to some of his fellow mindless idiots, he turned and gave me a smirk. You sure do know who, right? Like a prey instinct after having sighted a predator, I took to my heel; I don't really know why I ran, but I just sensed danger. I ran like I was been chased by Pennywise. Penny the FMI; don't worry you will get to know the meaning later. He also took to his heels shouting he has lost his mind because he failed the essay test, get him before he commits suicide! That was the magic word "suicide". I nearly paused to ask which essay test? But there wasn't just time for that. Run! Was all I could comprehend.
A population of two thousand students and teachers with eagerness and in high spirit to save a soul from meeting the lord early came thundering forward. Two thousand? I too was shocked. I glanced back as I felt the ground rumbling while running across the school courtyard like some circus were around and they just released their elephants. This was bad, I muttered under my breath.
Mr. Perry the gym teacher was leading the pack, his facial expression wasn't nice at all and I knew if I don't exit the school premises on time, only God can then save me. But God's bless like DJ Khaled will say, advantage was on my pursuers side. There's was no way I could escape with my thin legs. God save my soul was the last thing I said as someone knocked me off my feet, and "Kill me o!" was the last words i screamed a lots of sweating bodies fell, pining me to the ground.
Till date, I still wondered how I didn't die of suffocation.
End of the day, I came out of the second worst place with my chin well bandaged and it's was really painful. Also there was no essay test, it was just a lie to make the crusade sweeter. Yeah everyone knew and I almost fell for it.
Apart from the pain, my look was really comical. It's seems at the age of eleven, I had a white wrapped goatee.
The suicide incident was investigated. Like why would a young, happy looking at times kid or chap think of committing suicide. I'm not saying that little humans aren't capable of killing themselves and I'm not referring to dwarfs, just kids. Anyone's capable of taking one's life and that shit have to be looked into. This isn't a suicide awareness platform, so I will just continue with the story. But please don't kill yourself even if it's to prove your honor, be like the Vikings and not the Japanese. There's so much to live for, though I know how you feel, but life is beautiful and so are you.
Penny lied saying I was looking dejected that morning, and when he walked down the hallway he overheard some students talking about how badly I wanted to die. I wished I could just rushed him and pound away at his flesh till he told the truth but then this wasn't Disney.
This sounded so hilarious like why don't we humans mind our business. Alright, even if you over heard me saying how badly I wanted to die which can't be possible, not just yet since anything is possible and we don't know the future. Why can't you just be optimistic and assume I was memorizing a play line from Macbeth. Ha-ha thought I would add fucking to the business huh, nah I'm trying to make this book parental guide thirteen. Don't blame if you think I'm not trying enough cause my efforts are even more than that of Ryan Reynolds in the movie we all love.
Pause!
Who the f word! talks about how badly they want to die. I mean the last thing a person who is about to die will want is your damn attention. More like telling peter, I mean who the hell is that guy!
They were all lies. I wonder why someone would lie without considering that God is omnipresent. I mean he could just strike you down with epilepsy since the lie you told just made you Satan first born. In as much I might not look like a jovial person, I know there's no way I would commit suicide when there were still lots of games, novels and comics I was yet to go through. Besides the obvious fact that I haven't gotten my revenge against him which he's aware of. And don't forget that I was still a virgin.
No concrete evidence was found and he was left off the hook, though some teachers unknown to anyone but me were appointed to watch him.
I felt quite safe from any of his tricks and pranks and knowing fully well that this was my opportunity to hatch my plan. But sadly I died before I could do it.
Mom was furious about the news, and she knew the incident was on purpose. She spoke to Penny mother, and I heard he was taught the hard way to wriggle on the floor. That at least brought smiles to my face.