I'm looking at this the wrong way. I need more time to consider, to calculate what this could mean for me, if I do decide to go along with this hymeneal in the first place. I need to think this through and put things into perspective.
It's almost twilight now, as I make my way to the greenwoods that border the rear of the palace.
The soft breeze gently blows my hair, perfuming it with the sweet scent of sandalwood.
The insects are stridulating all around, in a deafening manner, but I welcome the sound, glad for any distraction. The trees look down on me, as if they'd devour me any second. But I feel protected.
My arm throbs in pain, a reminder of where Caspian had singed me. I lean against a tree, and close my eyes. Images of what was done to me flash in my mind, and I blink them open. However hard I try to repress them, they find their way back to me; putting themselves automatically on repeat over and over and over again.
Pull yourself together.
I faintly hear the gush of the stream in the distance, and force my way down the steep pathway.
The water is cool, and I scoop up some to splash on my face, sit on the edge and dip my toes in't.
I can finally breathe.
For a long while, I just sit there trying not to think of anything at all. Taking in the surroundings, I wish to lie here for eternity and be covered in moss in peace. Not so lucky I am.
It dawns on me that if I make use of this proposal in a pragmatic manner, I could manipulate it to my advantage. It stands to reason that being a betrothed to the crown prince, would likely accompany with its own perks, however troubling it may be. Not to mention that it could cut the Gordian's knot between Asteria and Zephry.
Though a nobody, I'll be the first to enter into a wedlock with someone from Zephry.
What I fail to reconcile with is the question which keeps brimming to the surface again and again: why me? My best guess would be that there are no other potential candidates. Not Asterian anyway.
Did Klymene agree to this too? And most importantly, is Drazen ok with this?
I do not know much about Drazen's love interests. Only that I've seen men and women alike, from overseas, swoon over him in the court.
On several occasions, I've noticed Drazen trying his best to break hearts as kindly as he can.
I recall one particular instance from the Christmas ball, when an elite lassie declared her unfettered love for him. All around, people almost gouged their eyes out, anticipating a response from Drazen; as if they were spectators to the most dramatic play to have ever been played out.
I fail to understand whether Drazen got flustered or what, but he accidentally spilled his champagne on the kneeling girl, as if in response. Nobody dared to move or speak for a hot minute. I had to stifle a laugh.
The girl had to be escorted by several people, trying to hush her wails.
Back then, too, his eyes spotted mine in the midst of the crowd, resembling a damsel in distress wanting to be saved.
My take was that he's not as strong as he looks, no matter how firmly he maintains his soldier and princely aura. As i remember it, I'm suddenly wrapped up in guilt. I shouldn't have slapped him. Should I apologise? I probably should. Or not. My hubris is going to be the death of me.
When I have exhausted my brain, sorting through possibilities, I finally decide to speak with Ekho. The one behind all this. I know what I want to negotiate for. And if I am to make a mistake, I'll make sure it's mine to make.
~•~
I find Ekho in his study, enshrouded by the piles of books and armaments that surround his desk.
He takes no notice of me, until I sit across the chair from him.
I do not plan on telling him anything about today. I'm not sure he can exercise his authority over Caspian, but that is not what I'm concerned about. My concern is that he'll chastise me, for I'm the one who went along with Kolans ruse in the first place. I'm the one who failed to see his intent, when I should've anticipated.
"Ekho. There's something I need to talk to you about." I fidget with my ring, overwrought with nerves. I promised myself that I'll be calm and deal with this sensibly. I take in a deep breath to find my balance.
He looks up from whatever he'd been doing, and gives me his full attention.
The war's taking a toll on him, that much is evident, because he looks so worn out.
"Alyona, love. Are you feeling alright?" Ekho frowns, worry etched on his face.
I must look about as awful as I feel.
" I hear I am to wed the Crown Prince." I decide not to dilly-dally and just put it out there.
Ekho sighs, his countenance softening.
"How'd you gather." Ekho inquires.
Should've gathered from you, I want to revert back at him.
" That's hardly relevant." I shake my head and narrow my eyes a little at him, conveying my dismay.
" I meant to consult with you regarding this, love. Sorry you had to hear it like that."
I'm not pleased to hear him call me 'love'. It feels like a cushion to my ire.
"Why?" I ask simply, fixing my gaze on his. I do not want his apologies, I want to know his reasoning.
The light from the fireplace contours his face with a shade of fortitude and resolution.
"We are at a war, Alyona. A long-standing war, that's been a silent witness to unbearable suffering, an affliction so profound that you and I can never even begin to put into perspective." Ekho pauses briefly, to let his words take shape into something almost tangible. I cannot help but be drawn in.
" I have dug enough graves, seen the terror of death in the eyes of my foe and fellow alike; wrestled with it myself. I have seen death too closely to sleep at night. It wrecks you, love, every bit of you. Tears you apart in ways you never thought possible."
I can only just sit, and be captivated by his words in silence. A shiver runs down my spine, and I focus on the sound of the crackling of flames from the fireplace.
"Your wedlock with Drazen is a calculated risk" he continues. "One that holds power to interlude the warfare. Of course it is all conjecture at present, we cannot be certain until we know how the alliances across borders would react. Nonetheless, what I fathom is that it's impact would be immense. A political statement that will defy the status quo head-on."
Ekho takes my hand in his. "love, I beg you to contemplate this righteously. Make your decision wisely, honour your fidelity."
He's giving me the liberty of choice, though I'm painfully aware of what is expected of me.
"There's always going to be war." I state. I cannot deny that his words hold power over me, but I'm still not convinced. It is cynical of me, sure, but I need to see his true rationale.
"True. But why waste an opportunity to stall it. It'll buy us time, and plenty more resources. Better to outwit than to outfight." Ekho says.
Opportunity. He sees me as an opportunity.
" So this is a diversion, then?" I ask, trying to
piece it all together.
"That is one way to put it." Ekho leans back in his armchair, and regards me.
" What about me? Am I to be just a mindless pawn in this all? How does this benefit me?" I inquire.
At that, Ekho smiles, impressed for some reason.
"Advantages, all yours to seize when the time's right."
That is as vague an answer as I can get.
" I need some time to think about it. But if I'm to do this, it shall be on my terms." I try to keep my voice as forthcoming as I can.
" Easier to rule a nation than a child." Ekho says half smiling. "Very well."
I take it as my cue and stand to leave. " I'll excuse myself then. Good night."
~•~
I'm barefoot in the halls of my own quarters, which is considerably too big for my own good.
I give an exasperated sigh, and lie down with my back to the floor.
I stare at the chandeliers above, until their luminosity feels blinding. I do not close my eyes, knowing well what I'll be met with.
Already, today feels like a week, and I'm terrified of what's to come tomorrow and the days after. Everything's changing too fast, faster than I can keep up with. I can only hope that I'll be strong through it all.
I find my centre and cling onto the me that is now.
A thought flashes in my head. There's someone I need to speak to. And before I talk myself out of it and change my mind, I get down to acting on it.