Chapter 20 - Trying To Behave Normal

(From Ella's Perspective)

The next day, like yesterday, Leandro kissed me. It was passionate, not hungry like the one he gave me last night. His tongue always got involved in the kissing. It was as if he liked to swirl his tongue inside my mouth. He wanted more; I could feel he wanted more. It was visible in his eyes.

I wanted more as well, a lot more than a kiss. But no, I was not going to give up. I would not let my emotions rule my life. I needed to be strong. Or I was going to be the one left broken-hearted.

I was telling myself again and again that he wanted me only for my body. He was like any other man. He was going to take advantage of me and my body, and then leave me to the monsters to kill me like a piece of trash.

"𝒲𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝓂𝑜𝓇𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓃 𝒶 𝓅𝒾𝑒𝒸𝑒 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝓇𝒶𝓈𝒽, ℰ𝓁𝓁𝒶?" my mind asked me.

"𝒩𝑜."

To others, I never was anything more than trash. But to me, I was a lot of things. I was a human, a girl with dreams, a strange girl with strange thinking, a girl who wanted to be happy, a curious girl with a mind full of questions, and a girl who was not ready to give up. Even though I had my flaws, I learned to accept myself, the real me, the me I was deep inside.

I never wanted anyone in my life. Because I always thought that no one would think of me more than a burden. I felt I did not need anyone. Perhaps I needed, but I did not want to believe so. If I had to live my whole life alone, I would, than have to live with someone to whom I was nothing more than a responsibility out of pity.

"Who is your idol? Do you have an idol? Most people have idols," I asked while walking out of the forest. I was trying to behave as usual, even though I could still taste him in my mouth.

"No," he replied indifferently. I guessed he always talked like that. Perhaps he did not know how to talk in a friendly manner. But I did not mind it. He was not hurting me at least. I could manage a bit of cold talking.

"Neither do I. I just... I don't really find anyone perfect enough to follow," I said. "So what's your biggest fear?"

"That's none of your business," he said. Yeah, it meant he was not comfortable telling me this. I had told him once that if he was not comfortable in talking about a thing, he could just tell me that it was none of my business. I would not bug him to tell me about it then.

"Alright. What..."

"What's your biggest fear?" he asked, interrupting me.

"That's none of your business," I said, although in a far friendlier tone than he did. "I can use this sentence too."

He did not ask me about it again. The last thing I needed was for someone to know about my fears and then laugh at me.

"So, as you said that you shifters lose control and turn into your weird monstrous shape, especially when you're angry. So what makes you angry?"

"Most of the things that people do," he replied.

"Huh! I don't believe it. Then why haven't you turned into your beast form in these two days when I've been with you? I bet I'm annoying too," I said.

"You can easily see if I'm angry, Ella. It's something I can't hide," he said.

"Oh, you mean to tell me you cannot hide anger? Then you definitely hide other things, right? Like your feelings, emotions, desire."

He looked at me, his expression unreadable. It seemed he was looking for something deep into my eyes. I felt as if my entire soul was exposed in front of him and he could read me through without any trouble.

Sometimes I thought I could understand him, I could see through that hard shell of his. Other times, I felt as if he was still hiding behind the shell and I knew nothing about him. But there was one thing that I was sure of- he had a heart, a heart that cared, a heart that knew how to love even when he did not believe it himself.

"Have you ever loved someone?" I asked. It was still going to take at least five minutes to get out of the forest. I could not just let the time pass without giving my mouth the pleasure of talking that it deserved.

"No," he replied. I could hear a bit of hesitance in his voice. But I decided not to ask him about that. If he was comfortable talking about it, he would tell me.

"I haven't either, other than myself," I said. "No one cares for me. Why would I care for them?"

It was a lie. Not the part that no one cared for me. It was true that no one cared for me. But I did. I still cared for them. My stupid heart kept telling me that one day they were going to understand. I knew that they were never going to understand. But I still cared for them.

"What do you like to do? I mean, what are your hobbies? Let me guess. You like drawing, reading. Is there anything else?"

"There is."

"What is it?"

"That's none of your business."

"Ok ok. Then tell me, who knows you the best?"

"That's none of your business."

"You keep way too many secrets. Trust me, Leandro, you're going to burst one day, spilling all your thoughts, feelings, everything," I said.

"You might want to head off to the castle. There isn't much time left," he said and I noticed that we had reached the end of the forest.

"Oh yes. Bye then."

"Be careful."

Hearing this in his cold voice made the hair on my neck stand. But I tried not to show it. "I'm always careful."

On my way to the castle, I met Jed in the market. He waved at me and I ran to him. We made our way to the castle together.

"Listen, Jed, we'll try to finish our work quickly today. I want to know what's inside the bedroom that the guards did not let us enter. We'll try to find a window to the room and see through it," I said.

"Oh come on, Leora. We'll get in trouble. It's the king's matter, not ours. There's no need to know that."

"There is. I have to know, or my head is going to kill me," I said and it was true. If I could not find out about something that I wanted to know, my curiosity was going to kill me from within.

"That's nonsense. And besides, the room is on the second floor. Even if you find the window, how are you going to get there?" Jed asked.

"I'll climb. You'll keep an eye on other things and I'll get inside the window. Or don't you want to be with me?"

"I want to. We're friends, right? But what if you fall while climbing? What if you die?"

"Then you're going to make sure that the king knows that I was practicing rock climbing and the man I live with knows that he won't have to bear my blabbering again," I replied.

"You're weird, Leora," he said.

"Yeah, I know," I said, grinning.

"You said you'll tell me what's going on between the man and you. I'm sure there's something."

"Oh look, it's a cat," I said pointing at our front, desperate to change the subject.

"A cat is nothing special, Leora. You behave as you've seen a moving table," Jed said.

"No. I love cats, that's why. Come on, we better be quick. We can't be late," I said pulling him with me as I hurried down the street.

"You haven't told me if you like someone," I said, running down the street of the market, while people were glancing at us as if we had lost our minds.

"Well, I do like someone. I'm not sure if he... I mean, she..."

"Wait, Jed! He! You like a male, don't you?" I asked.

"No, it's not like that."

"It's exactly like that. What? Are you afraid of admitting this?"

"No, Leora. I don't like a male. I always have a problem with using 'he' and 'she'. It just gets mixed up sometimes," he said with a smile.

Huh, a fake smile! I knew he was lying. It was clear on his face. Perhaps, unlike my world, his world did not give much opportunities and support to gays. I could not understand why. Everyone had a right to express what they wanted. It's their choice, not their family, friends, or society. Odd people!