So my plan failed before take-off. It failed because my understanding of the Middle Eastern history of this era is poor.
My plan was simple, Iraq's oil wealth lies in the North (with the Kurds) and in the South (with the Shias). Iraq's only access to the sea is at its southern-most tip where it touches the Gulf of Hormuz.
So, the majority of oil wealth of Iraq. and its trade route by a sea are in regions antagonistic to and not only that, the southern region directly borders belligerent, Shia Iran.
So my amazing plan was to entice the Americans into a long-term deal for Iraqi oil at a fixed price, with Iraq getting the money upfront and the Americans committing a military base near the southern border with Iran to protect the oil and also to get them to upgrade Iraq's main port at Basra/ Umm Qasr.
I was all set to deploy my master plan which would include upfront cash, an American buffer against Iran and put me in the American sphere of influence ahead of the fall of the Soviet Union. That was until I discovered that Iraq doesn't have official state relations with America. Yup, tums out that Iraq, along with other Arab states attacked Israel in 1967 in the Six-Day after which America cut off relations with Iraq.
But it was only a hitch in the road. I was completely sold on my master plan. With American troops in the South I could send my own troops to stabilize the restive North, the other great source of Iraqi oil. You might wonder why I would want to agree to a fixed price for Iraqi oil when in the late 70s the price of oil was shooting up after the revolution in Iran. Well it's quite simple really. It's' because I already have some idea about the history of oil. In the early eighties the price of oil rose from around 15 dollars a barrel to about 30 dollars a barrel before settling down. But America doesn't know that the price of oil will settle. America has only just begun to recover from the oil-shock led stagflation of the mid-70s. They would bite my hand off to secure a long term deal! Kaching baby! The only downside to the plan is that it's not just Khomenei who thinks of America as the Great Satan but the average Arab as well. And as the Shah of Iran found out, it doesn't pay to be in bed with the west if you're a Middle Eastern ruler.
But I have a plan for that as well- employment. Most youths with jobs would not take up arms in revolution. No matter what your religion might say, all humans like the good life.
Anyway back to my plan to hook America. The closest American Embassy is in Kuwait, the small Emirate to Iraq's South West. Yes, it's the very same country that Saddam invaded, on flimsy pretexts, in 1991. But that's in the alternate future. Which will never happen.
Through some back channels (globe-trotting businessmen we were able to arrange a meeting with the brand spanking new American Ambassador to Kuwait - Francois Dickman. To my irritation, Dickman refused to travel to Iraq for a meeting citing America's lack of relations with Iraq.
Now OG Saddam would have blown a gasket at this perceived insult but I've got my eyes on the prize so I agreed to travel to Kuwait City and be the guest of the Emir as he wanted to host the meeting between his neighbour and a friendly superpower.
I met Francois Dickman in a luxurious hotel, in a suite reserved for the Emir's use. The Emir had put my people and me up in the best rooms of the hotel with extravagant service and security. Saddam's subconscious bristled at the attempt to show us down. I didn't particularly give a shit. It was super comfortable and I was here on business.
Francois Dickman was not a dick by any stretch of the imagination. Ahmed, my main man in the Mukhbarat had arranged for a profile on the Ambassador and it made for interesting reading. Dickman was a world war II vet from small town America. He had risen to his first Ambassadorial role in the UAE through sheer hard work and 'aw shucks' sincerity.
He was a giant of a man and he dwarfed me as we shook hands and sat facing each other. The Kuwaiti Emir had provided us with translators but I waved mine off.
"Iraqi dates," I told Dickman, gesturing to the bowl of reddish-brown treats laid out in front of us. Dickman locked surprised. "Please," I continued, attempting to smile warmly with Saddam's face. "Have a few. It is our specialty. I would have presented them as gifts for your family but I believe your State Department would confiscate. So I thought we can enjoy them together."
Dickman thanked me in his gruff voice and to his credit took a couple of dates, seeming to enjoy them. Then his hands became sticky and as he fruitlessly looked around for a napkin I continued.
"Thank for you me meeting Ambassador Dickman and congratulations on your new posting. Dickman flushed and stuttered, "You're, too kind your excellency."
The combination of sticky hands. and a warm and polite dictator had him off guard. Perfect.
"Your Excellency, I must admit I was a bit surprised by your request for a meeting. We were not quite sure to make of it," Dickman said, seemingly resigned to sticky fingers.
I laughed in good humour. "Do not worry good Ambassador. It is nothing untoward. I am here to propose business between Iraq and America."
Now Dickman looked thoroughly confused, "Business?"
"Yes Ambassador," I replied nodding, "for the other great Iraqi export besides these delicious dates"
Dickman stayed silent.
"I speak of oil of course."
Dickman's eyebrows shot up This man is a gem. It's for too easy to read him. He's gotten used the obsequious Emirs of the pipsqueak UAE. Saddam is the big boy of the Arab world and I'm the Nostradamus driving him.
"Your Excellency, with respect, America has all the oil it needs from its partners in the Middle East including from Kuwait."
I nodded, "Yes, but you buy your oil through the aegis of the OPEC. Although you may be a preferred buyer, you pay the OPEC market price."
He nodded almost grudgingly.
"Do you know how much the price of oil has risen by this year Ambassador?"
He thought about it for a few minutes. One couldn't be an Ambassador to a Gulf nation without understanding oil.
"About thirty percent," he said placidly.
"Thirty percent!" I replied dramatically, "in less than half a year. The price is reaching thirty dollars. Who knows where it will go from there? Fifty dollars?"
"Surely not," he whispered.
"Sir a decade ago one would not have imagined fifteen dollars a barrel." He nodded. It was true of course. US adventurism in the Middle East was driven in a large part by the shocking realization that energy security was something to be worried about. In the late noughties the same realization would lead to the development of fracking technology in the US to exploit its shale deposits.
"Your friends in the Gulf treat you like a preferred customer but you still pay OPEC prices do you not?"
Dickman nodded. I was stating facts after all.
"The US consumes almost 20 million barrels of oil a day. You are about to come out of a long recession caused, ironically, by oil price shock. What will happen to that recovery if you begin paying fifty dollars a barrel for a decade?"
Dickman to his credit marshalled his features and didn't show an outward reaction to my grim prognosis.
"Your Excellency," he began politely "what you have said is absolutely true. But I still don't understand what business you wish to do with America? You are after all a founding member of OPEC."
I waved off his concerns, "OPEC is a cartel. If it were not an inter-state effort it would be illegal for it anti-competitive nature. I could care a fig for OPEC."
Dickman seemed surprised by candour.
"Ambassador, can I speak frank military man to another?" Dickman leaned in.
"I don't like, how you say pussy footing around. I am willing to offer America four million barrels a day of oil at ten dollars a barrel."
My pronouncement was met with silence. It was like the room froze in time.
"You what?" spluttered Dickman, "what's the catch?"
I smiled, "Well I will have some non-monetary conditions as well. All logical mind you. But from the money side, I want the full amount of the deal upfront."
Dickman sat back in his sofa with a thump, staring at me. I leaned back more leisurely and smiled at him.
"Why?" he asked finally.
"Why what Ambassador?"
"Why are you looking to make this deal? What is the benefit to you?"
I smiled more widely, "Firstly Ambassador, I am glad that you have not attempted to hem and haw about whether this deal suits America or not. We both know that this is an extremely favourable deal for your country."
"Well..." Dickman began but I put a hand up to shush him. I don't care about his nationality, there is only one ruler in the room and it's not him.
"It's really simple. I have plans to develop my country for which I need money. I don't like loans, and the world bank is hardly likely to give me the loan I require, so money upfront is the only viable option. And lastly as the saying goes a bird in hand is worth two in the bush."
There was silence again for some time.
"Your Excellency," said Dickman, "I will need some time to discuss this deal with Washington before any formal negotiations can begin."
"Of course," I said magnanimously. "If it's a no, a phone call will suffice. If it's a yes, then the American delegation will my guests in Baghdad."
We got up and shook hands. Dickman seemed excited and a overwhelmed. Being a Gulf Ambassador is a relatively backwater posting. Now all of a sudden he was potentially in charge of America's economic growth for the 1980s.
As we were about to part I mentioned to him, "Ambassador, enjoy the dates but remember time is of the essence."
Nobody laughed at my wordplay.