I wake to the sounds of muffled conversation, actually it's more like whispered shouting. I'm alone, and I'm completely naked beneath the coves. The last thing I remember is my shower with Dastan. Apparently, some point between then and now I'd made it back to bed but hadn't bothered to dress.
"No!" the loud shout from somewhere in the house draws my attention and I shuffle out of bed grabbing whatever clothes are lying at the top of my suitcase as I go. I'm pulling down my short when I walk into the living room of the house we're staying at, and right into the middle of an argument.
Dastan is standing on one side of the room with Haider and Zahra on the other. Emma stands closer to somewhere in the middle directly across from where I've just walked in and Theo and Connor look liked they'd rather be anywhere else.
The conversation falls quiet as I enter, all eyes falling to me. In my sleep rumpled state I grow self-conscious but it's Emma's eyes that tell me something big is going on. They're wide in her ashen face, she seems almost surprised and nothing ever surprises Emma.
I remember her words from earlier, they think you're a burden that little voice in my head says.
"What's going on?" I ask, sounding small and unsure. I wall further into the room, situating myself directly in the middle of the mayhem.
"Nothing," Dastan us the first to respond. He runs a hand roughly through his raven hair, "Just a little disagreement, don't worry about it."
Crossing my arms over my chest defensively, I say, "This isn't nothing,"
"Leave it alone, Kiera." Dastan's voice is stern, it's a command but the thing that really has my heart plummeting dater than a meteorite through the earth's atmosphere is his use of my full name. Dastan rarely ever calls me Kiera and when he does it usually means he's in some type of state. This one doesn't look that good.
"Haider?" I turn my question tit he older man instead, hoping hell be of more help. He just casts his eyes away from me, if I didn't know better he almost looks regretful. "Emma?" I question, looking to her for a savior, like I usually do.
"How long have you two been back together?" she asks in response, gesturing at the space between Dastan and I. So, they saw us together. They assume we're sneaking round and they'd be right but that doesn't explain the shouting match I walked into not three seconds ago.
"That's what this is about?" I query, eyebrows raising higher on my face, pulling my skin taut while I try my hardest not to show any other emotions in my expression though they all know me well enough to read my smallest tells anyway.
I look to Dastan for help, but he's just watching me. His eyes seem to say the ball is in my court and I get to decide how I want to play this, how much I want to reveal and I know that whatever I say is going to change everything. I really don't want that, best to play it safe. "We aren't together." I tell the room, making sure not to look at anyone in particular.
Dastan lets out a harsh scoff, the sound is cynical and jaded and I hate it coming from his mouth.
"Well, I guess that answers that question now if we could all mind our own bloody business that would be great." He says, throwing his arms up in frustration before casting me the most self-deprecating look I've ever seen him wear. He isn't shielding the way he's feeling from me, he lays it all bare for me to see every thought and emotion flicker in his dark irises.
For each new emotion I see, another piece of my heart is chipped away, falling into the empty cavity of my chest. Hurt, anger, rejection, betrayal, loathing. He stalks across the room in three long strides, ignoring the way everyone's eyes follow his movement and he's out the door before I even process what just happened.
"Dastan, wait." I call, running after him. He doesn't stop and I have to run to catch up. I reach him just as he gets to the bottom step of the porch and I grab onto his forearm and yank him to a stop though he doesn't turn around to look at me. He lets me, I know that but I don't have time to dwell on why that is. "Did I say something to upset you?" I ask, confusion coating every syllable.
"No you didn't say anything I didn't already know." He says it calmly but his voice is full of venom I can practically feel the ice and hatred rolling off of him. My breath catches at the look of dejection in his eyes, he isn't hurt but something about him in this very moment that so wounded it makes my heart ache. I want to reach out and comfort hi, pull him into my arms, let him have my body the way he did for me earlier hut I know he won't allow any of that because I've done something to push him away only I have no clue what that might be.
"What does that mean?" I ask keeping my voice as calm as possible. Dastan's always been a hot head and if I want this conversation to go over remotely well I'll have to remain level headed and calm because I know he won't.
He finally turns around and I really wish he hadn't. With the full effect of the hurt and disappoint swirling in his eyes my next breath feels a little denser, a little harder to force through my airways and into my lungs. It burns with the knowledge that whatever just happened, I'm Responsible for it. I hurt him.
"It means I really should have known better," he spits and I go to say something. I'm not sure what, but anything that got that look of his face would be fine with me. "I should have known better because I made this mistake before. Because falling in love with you is like handing you a loaded gun and trusting you not to pull the trigger. And just like the last time we did this, you unloaded the clip, Kiera, you emptied the magazine and somehow you managed to convince me that the mess you made of me was a master piece until you decided you didn't want me anymore."
"Dastan, I-" I begin but the words stick in my throat. I have never not wanted you, I want to tell him. I don't know how to say it, is that how he really feels? Have I really been that terrible to him? I feel like I already know the answers to those questions but admitting it, even to myself, would hurt way more than I'm willing to deal with.
In my lack of response, he goes on. Eye shinning with unshed tears, his hands tremble as he pushes hair roughly off his forehead. "The worst part is that I let everyone convince me that it was my fault for feeling the heartbreak when you never intended it. One day I was the love of your life and then suddenly you wanted nothing to do with me."
He's talking about the last time we broke up, I realize with a startling sort of clarity. I just watch him as his chest heaves and he tries to compose himself enough to go on.
"Do you have any idea how hurt and confused I was? No you don't, because I ran halfway across the world so you'd never have to see the effect it had on me. But somehow you were still the victim in our story and I was the villain when the only crime I've ever been guilty of was trying my best to love and protect you."
"That's not true, I loved you. And telling you I didn't was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do!" I shout, my own tears rising to my eyes in response. I'm aware of the audience that is most likely listening to every word of this from inside the house but it all falls to the wayside as he looks at me with that injured puppy expression.
"You loved me?" he snarls stepping forward and into my personal space. I stand my ground refusing to back down from this. Something about it has an air of inevitability, like this is what we've been building up to; the climax. "No, you only ever loved me when you felt me slipping away but the truth is you only loved the way I loved you. Because you couldn't let go of that unconditional love. But that isn't your fault."
"Dastan please," I'm begging, for what? I don't know. Maybe for a chance to explain to him how wrong he is or maybe a chance to apologize but he doesn't let up.
"No Kiera, you need to hear this. It's been three years coming and I'm done hiding how I feel to protect you. I trusted you with the most fragile pieces of myself and you trusted I'd never walk away form you. You always knew the right thing to say to put me at ease and then you crushed me."
His voice cracks on that last sentence, the tears finally spilling down his cheeks. I reach for him hut he just shakes his head at me and keeps going.
"And after all that, my feelings weren't allowed to be hurt because you didn't intend to hurt my feelings. You left me and I could finally see the mess you made of me. It wasn't the masterpiece you'd let me think it was, it was a bloody crime scene. You left me and I found myself broken and bleeding on the bathroom floor. You had me believing I needed you to breathe but guess what I survived all of it and it's my fault for putting myself right back here again."
He shakes his head, as if in disbelief letting out a harsh bark of laughter. It startles me into taking a step back. "So yeah I should've known better but clearly I didn't learn my lesson the first time I fell in love with you and now I'll have to deal with all that hurt again and I'll have no one to blame for it but myself."
With that he turns on his heel and walks away, leaving me stunned on the porch steps. My heart raw and bleeding from the beating he just gave it while my kind reels with his words. He said he's in live with me. The response bubbles up my throat hut I bite it down. It wouldn't be fair to him to say it now, not after this.
So I let him walk away, with the last shards of my heart in his fist.