I cry the entire drive home which is awkward to say the least. Emma and I are forced to ride home with Haider and Zahra after Dastan took off and never came back. It's been two days since then and we've finally decided to put ourselves out of our mystery and head home.
I haven't really stopped crying since he left, I've just gotten really good at hiding it from everyone else. But now when there's too much quiet time and Haider is playing some old rock song and Zahra's quietly reading and Zia is dozing off, I can't help but think of him.
Thinking of the words he said and the look on his face, it makes me feel like a villain. I never intended to hurt him. Not the first time and certainly not now. I'd just assumed he'd move on, I never thought he would fall for me again. When we started all this a few weeks ago I really just thought it was Physical for him, that's what he'd said and he never led me to believe otherwise.
Well, that's not entirely true. If I'm bring honest there were times when I suspected. Like the day he'd picked me up after I'd had my episode, the way he'd held me, the way he'd spoken to me. I could feel it then that he loved me but I chose to ignore it because acknowledging it meant that I had to deal with my own feelings and I wasn't prepared to do that yet.
I'd tried to call him a few times since our argument, as Susie Ted his phone went straight to voicemail. Pathetically I'd left a few messages mostly along the lines of 'please call me back,' and 'I'm sorry about everything, please I just really need to talk to you,' and the worst one yet: 'You were right about everything but I'm still in live with you, I always have been and I just nerd you to call me back. Please.' That one was especially whiny and pathetic.
I'd cried for forty-five minutes afterward until Emma found me on the beach, she'd given me this look of pity and I couldn't even mister enough ire to tell her I didn't need her sympathy. Instead, I'd curled into her arms and let her pat my back and tell me it was for the best and we'll still be friends and nothing is ever going to change that he my best friend.
I think, facing Haider and Zahra was the worst. Obviously, after our little performance on the porch they'd had questions. The first of which being how long has this been going on. I'd dutifully answered every question but I've been unable to look either of them in the eye since. Its not the fact that they know that bothers me, it's the fact that they got to watch it all crash and burn and they heard exactly how badly I hurt their son, I feel like they hate me now.
I wouldn't blame them if they did, I kind of hate me now. It's hard not to hate me after hearing Dastan talk about how much he loved me and how it hurt him when I told him I didn't feel the same. I think the worst part about all that is the fact that it was all a lie. I do feel the same, I've always l loved him even when I probably shouldn't have. Like when he literally hated me.
A part of me wishes I was brave enough to tell him, the other part of me knows its better this way. He's better off without me, especially if the memories I've been uncovering recently mean what I think they mean.
I'm not the person he thinks I am, I'm not the person I thought I was. He's better off as far away from me as he can possibly get. Though knowing Dastan he won't get too far, he never does and that always makes it so much harder to let him go. I love him and I'll never stop hut I can also never tell him the truth.
When the tears fall, I don't try to stop them. I just sit there staring out the window as they silently fall down my face. It burns because I've been crying so hard for two days that my eyes are swollen and my cheeks are raw from always rubbing at them to remove the evidence of my tears.
I figure that I probably look like a mess but I don't rely care. The only thing I can really focus on right now is Dastan and the fact that I really want to see doctor Delaney and talk to her about all this. I've become a little dependent on the psychologist if I'm being honey and maybe that's just transferring my codependency from Emma to the doctor but it feels a lot healthier and safer.
"He'll come around," Haider's voice cuts through the silent cab of Zahra's Prius. I startle a little before turning do that cab catch his eye in the review mirror. NY face must read confusion because he goes on, "Just him some time, he loves you. I'm sure he'll come around."
"He shouldn't, it's better this way. He deserves better." I say, wiping at my eyes and trying to force the shakiness from my voice.
He gives me a benevolent smile, it almost seems to say you're young, you'll learn. It's long-suffering and indulgent. "Did I ever tell you about how Zahra and I almost didn't get married?"
I shake my head no, suddenly wanting to know the story if only for the distraction it'll provide from my feelings.
"When we decided to get married her family was against it. I was a cop, I loved in America, I barely spoke Farsi and I wasn't traditional. They hated me, but mostly they just thought she deserved better and a part of me agreed with them" he tells me, I can't picture that there was ever a time when Haider and Zahra weren't perfect for each other. For as long as I've known them they've had the strongest bond and the most loving relationship I've ever seen.
""One day we got into an argument, to be honest I don't even remember what it was about but I know it was pretty petty. The stress of our families and everything else had finally started to get to us and I remember telling Zahra that her family is right and that she really does deserve better."
"And then what happened?" I ask like a child, I hear him snort hut he indulges me nonetheless.
"She smacked me right across the face. Told me I was being an ass and that only she gets to decide what she deserves and she thinks that she deserves a man who loves and appreciates her for everything she is. And she decided that was me."
"That's a great story Haider," I say, looking out the window again. "But I don't see what it has to do with me."
"Dastan's the only one that gets to decide if he deserves better of not, Kiera" he tells me, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"Yes, and he's decided he doesn't want me." I say, stating the obvious. He just broke up with me so it's pretty clear he thinks he deserves better an dge would be absolutely right.
"You really believe that? After the way that he has pined for you for almost your entire lives, you think he's going to walk away?" Haider asks, and I watch as one of his eyebrows ticks higher on his forehead. The movement reminds me of Dastan.
"As his father shouldn't you want that?"
"I want him to be happy and these last few weeks he's been happier than I've seen him in years and I think a part of me always knew it was because of you. So, I might be rooting for you guys a little." Haider says, giving me a nonchalant shrug.
"You shouldn't. I'm an awful person and I'll only hurt him." I tell him, fighting back tears once more. I focus on the steady rise and fall of Zia 's chest to control my breathing.
"Maybe you will or maybe you'll love him better than anyone else ever could." He says.
"Look, all I know is that I love you both and I want you to be happy and you seem happiest when your together so give him space and I'm sure he'll come around."
A part of me wishes he were right but a bigger part knows that I could never gave the kind of life that Haider and Zahra have with Dastan for many reasons but the most glaring of which is the fact that I'm actually psychotic and he would never be safe with me, if the memories are to be believed.