After my little epiphany in the Uber I feel like everything is tilted off its axis. My entire being feels unbalanced, off-kilter. I don't know what to make of it, I'm not in a place to date or be anyone's girlfriend and I shouldn't be entertaining the thought off Connor as anything more than someone I'm casually seeing. And yet, I can't seem to stop myself. This was a bad idea; I shouldn't even be around Connor when I'm having thoughts like this. Aside from the fact that I could potentially get his hopes up and lead him on, I might also scare him off. What if he's perfectly happy with the non-committal arrangement we have and me saying stuff like this freaks him out?
It doesn't take long to find the boys inside; they're seated at a table on the second floor of the club, overlooking the dance floor. They look like they're having fun. Connor and Theo are engaged in some kind of animated conversation and Dastan is disinterestedly looking around the club. I notice the table getting more than its fair share of female attention from the girls in the surrounding tables; I can't say I blame them. Those are three very attractive men. Although, it looks like they're more interested in each other than any of the ladies.
I start toward them, arms locked with Emma as we fight our way through the throng of people. The going is slow, it's extremely busy tonight. Keeping my attention solely on Connor, I catalogue him from a distance. He looks good; the grey sweater he's wearing hugs his lean frame and brings out a shade of blue in his eyes I didn't know was there. He's gesturing chaotically as he explains something to Theo, the smile on his face jubilant; I feel my own lips tipping up in response. They barely notice us as we approach their table. Emma and I share a look and roll our eyes at each other.
Turning to the only person there not currently engrossed in a conversation so riveting it doesn't look like either of them has taken a breath since I got here; I glance over at Dastan. He's looking down at his phone typing out a text. I take a moment to appreciate him all dressed up. He always looks amazing but Dastan in black is a sight to behold. He's wearing a black button down, on anyone else I might think it plain but he makes it look classy; suave and expensive. The top buttons are undone and one side of the shirt is untucked, the sleeves rolled up to expose strong forearms. The hint of his tattoo that I catch between his gaping buttons has me transfixed. His hair is styled in his usual way, with one stray lock falling onto his forehead and I have to clench my fist to keep myself from reaching out and brushing it back. I'm in the middle of admiring his broad frame swathed in black and looking like every bad decision I want to make when he looks up.
Our eyes lock for a moment and then his drops, roaming across my body. I'm sill struggling through the crowd but I'm close enough to catch the emotions passing through his eyes: surprise, intrigue, hunger. I see it all and it ignites something in me I don't want to acknowledge. A satisfied little electric charge races along my skin. I came here with the intention of making things right with Connor not to drool over Dastan. As if he could hear my thoughts, he looks up again and I watch him blink the lust out of his expression so that when we approach the table he offers both me and Emma a delighted smile. "Finally!" he exclaims, yelling to be heard over the pumping base and raucous conversations. "Never leave me alone with them again." He says leaning closer to speak to us. I catch a better look down his shirt at the tattoo and I want to trace it with my fingers, it looks so familiar but he didn't have it three years ago so, I can't possibly know it.
Connor and Theo join the conversation then. Theo says something to Emma but I don't catch it because I'm looking at Connor. He's looking right back but there's nothing on his expression to tell me what he's thinking. After a moment, he makes eye contact again and gives me a tight-lipped smile. Well, that was a bust. Not at all the reaction I was hoping for, I greet Theo with a hug and he gushes over my dress and my makeup and kicks up a big fuss about how great I look but the compliments only highlight what a lackluster response I got from Connor.
Emma smiles sympathetically at me, fully aware that whatever I was planning was a major fail. "I'm going to get drinks," I announce once it becomes clear that Theo isn't going to stop giving me compliments anytime soon. On the bright side, I did want him to like me so at least I've made progress there. I glance back at Emma but Theo's got her hand in a death grip talking her ear off about something, he seems rather excitable tonight. Connors attentively listening to him speak, smiling again like I hoped he'd smile at me. Guess I'm going alone.
As I walk away from the table, Dastan catches up to me. He's walks behind me using his considerable bulk to push people put of the way. I continue silently, and he doesn't attempt to start a conversation. If he wasn't going to attempt to talk to me or even acknowledge me, why did he follow me? Sometimes he's just as confusing as Connor. Maybe it's a man thing. It's far easier for us to get to the bar with people splitting like the red sea to let Dastan's hulking form through. It's absolute pandemonium at the bar; people shouting to get the bartenders attention, crowding together and shoving. I probably should've let Connor and Dastan get the drinks, because I'm going to get trampled. Just as I think it something bumps into me hard and I stumble back a step but Dastan reaches out to steady me, he still says nothing.
He positions himself as a barrier at my back, the hand on the small of my back burns through the think silk of my dress searing an imprint into my skin. It's all I can focus on: his warm palm against the base of my spine. Using his body to push through the mass of people, he maneuvers us through the crowd until my front connects with the bar. After that it only takes a couple minutes to order drinks. I do it all in a daze, I'm not even entirely sure what I order; all I know is that Dastan's body is pushing into mine from behind and I can feel every inch of carved muscle and its getting harder to breathe. I want so badly to sink into him but these are exactly the kind of thoughts that are causing trouble for me.
We carry a tray full of shot glasses back to the table and get a far more enthusiastic welcome than earlier. In a matter of seconds the four of them have downed all the shots. What I wouldn't give to get drunk tonight. Unfortunately, that's exactly what I can't do so, instead I end up on the dance floor for the rest of the night.
The music is riotous; quick and boisterous. The rhythm is contagious in a way I can't resist. My body moves almost autonomously, swaying and rocking into the people around me. More than once I find myself sandwiched between other bodies and I find I don't much mind. It's fun and I can pretend like I didn't just humiliate myself. I don't know what I was expecting but Connor's reaction, or lack thereof, was deficient to say the least. Whatever hope I'd subconsciously been holding onto that I hadn't royally screwed up everything with Connor was fading faster than Emma after three drinks.
I spend all night out there and never quite get back to the table my friends are currently occupying. Once or twice, I see them pass by on their way to the bar multiple times so I now they're all well on their way to being wasted but I stay where I am. Yes, I know it's childish to ignore them and this doesn't really help my situation with Connor but I'm far too embarrassed to go back there tonight. It's childish and juvenile but I'd much rather stay down here dancing with strangers than go up there and have to face Connor's complete disinterest in mw. Maybe it's shallow but I'm not ready to suck it u and be the bigger person tonight. So, I lose myself in the crowd, become another nameless body rolling and undulating in the mass and forget my issues just for a little while.
Of course, my issues never allow me a moment of peace and one of them follows me onto the dance floor. I don't even realize what's happening until I feel a hard figure press into me from behind. At first, I just assume it's another stranger that's dancing with me, but then the smell of wood smoke and something earthy envelops me. My body stiffens for a second before large, warm hands settle against my hips pulling me further into him.
There's a moment of indecision where my conscience says it's wrong. That I should walk away and I shouldn't allow this if I want to be with Connor, which I'm still not completely sure what I want in that regard anyway, but then the little devil on my shoulder whispers that it's just two friends dancing. That's harmless enough, isn't it? I've danced with friends in a completely platonic way before, what's so different about this time. And that is all it takes to break any resistance in me.
I let myself melt against him, our bodies moving together. Feeling every part of him against me, it's heady. Better than any drug and to think I was upset about not being able to get drunk earlier when I had this available all along. My senses sharpen and hone in on him, it's just him. The two of us might as well be alone; the only people at this club, the only people on this earth; for all the attention I give to the people around us. It's like flipping a switch and suddenly everything disappears, just like I've been trying to do all night, everything else fades into obscurity.
Throwing my head back against his shoulder, hips rolling in time with the beat. The air is heavy with scent of him. The lights above me flaring; red, blue and green. The colors are hypnotic, entrancing. I feel free, unrestrained, for the first time in so long that it's exhilarating. "You keep doing that and your pretty little dress isn't going to make it through the night." Dastan's voice comes as a raspy scratch near my ear. I feel it rumble in his chest at my back, the sound vibrates through my bones, along my skin, and I feel it in every inch of my body.
I'm so caught up in the feel of him against me that I don't register what he's said until a moment later. My body goes tense against him, I stop dancing entirely. Why would he say that? Better yet, why does it make my inside flutter at the thought of what he means? This is wrong but, God, does it feel right. I shouldn't encourage it. "We're friends, remember?" I ask, my voice barely a whisper but he's close enough to hear it.
He's also, close enough that I hear what sounds suspiciously like a growl come from his throat before he says; "Friends… I hate that word." His fingers tighten on my hips and I stay still, not daring to move, barely breathing.
"Why?" The word escapes my throat in a breathy sort of gasp. I'm distracted by the feeling of him still against my back; neither of us dancing anymore, even as the crowd continues to sway to the music but I'm so breathless I might as well be running a marathon. My chest heaves with every breath.
"Because I want so much more than just friendship from you, Kiera." He responds, his voice just as breathless as mine. His tone is laced with frustration. Okay, we definitely shouldn't be having this conversation. Not with Connor probably a few feet away and absolutely not when I'm feeling far more inclined to give in to whatever this feeling swirling in my belly is. I take a step forward; it's not much of a step with the way the club is packed, it's more of a shuffle. I barely put a hairsbreadth of space between us before Dastan's hands on my hips pull me flush against him. His lips graze the juncture where my throat meets my shoulder, it pulls a startled gasp from my body. Even though I wasn't expecting it, I sink into his chest and he supports my weight effortlessly. "Tell me that's not what you want too."
He says it with such conviction, as if he already knows what I'm thinking and I'm pretty sure he might be right. I do want that, I want him but we're friends and I'm with Connor… Sort of. But that's not the point; the point is we can't do this. "You're drunk, Dastan."
This time, when I move away from him he lets me go without protest. I don't look back at him as I shuffle my way forward through the mass of writhing bodies. I push on, determined not to give into this. It's not fair to me, or him, or Connor for that matter. As the thought crosses my mind I glance up to the balcony I know my friends are at and lock eyes with Connor. He's just standing there staring directly at me, how long has he been there? How much did he see?
The look on his face is unreadable, and I notice Theo at his side wearing a similar expression. Crap.
What am I even doing?