"I don't know, Emma! " I all but yell. Throwing my hands up in exasperation, I shoot her a look out of the corner of my eye. "I haven't spoken to him since it happened."
She makes a sound of disbelieve and stops walking, grabbing my arm and forcing me to stop too. I'm so not in the mood for this today. "But he kissed you." She says as if that is the answer that's going to solve all problems.
I roll my eyes and tug my hand back, "Yes, I'm aware. I was there." Turning, I start walking toward the gates of the prison yard. Today was the only day I could swing an appointment with Nicky Barnes. It's been a tough week, I've been chasing my tail since Haider's shooting and I figured I needed to take drastic measures. I need answers. Plus, this is probably the safest place to talk to him.
She follows, practically running to keep up with my longer strides. "Jeez, what's up your ass?" I just shoot her my most displeased look. I'm not even going to justify that with a response. Of course I'm moody! I though Dastan and I were finally making progress toward friendlier territory, and if not friendly than at least civil. Then, out of nowhere he hits me with 'That's not how I want to touch you,' kisses me senseless, and then tells his father it wasn't anything but a physical reaction to my presence. All in the space of one day. Talk about a goddamn rollercoaster.
It's not that I want there to be anything more between us or even that I think there's any hope for salvaging what we used to be. But when he kissed me… I don't know how to explain it but everything just stopped for a moment. Right then, there was nothing that existed outside of him. I thought he felt that too. Boy, was I wrong. To hear him tell Haider that it meant nothing after the fact, while I'd had an entire existential crisis the moment his lips touched mine, hurt. It hurt more than I was expecting it to and maybe it's the shame from being weak and giving into my desire but I don't think I can be around him for a while without feeling the sting of rejection.
Obviously, I don't say any of this to Emma. As much as I trust her and I know her heart is in the right place; handing Emma that kind of information is the equivalent of handing a nuclear weapon to a three year old. Things are bound to get messy.
While I wait for Nicky Barnes to be escorted out of his cell, I try to gather my wits about me. Enough with the games, it's time I started getting shit done. I've been messing around these last few weeks and it's time I got serious about solving this case. I know what needs to be done, I can't be reticent about doing the dirty work.
When he finally does walk through the door, the first thing I notice is that he doesn't look like he's spent the last week in a matchbox cell with other violent criminals. He's smirking at me, the expression is vindictive and I know he blames me for him being in here. He's confident and relaxed, he takes a seat across from me at the little metal table like a king on his throne. Despite the handcuffs, he reclines himself on the miniscule bench in a way I can only describe as lounging. I grit my teeth at his cavalier attitude; he almost killed Haider and here he is living it up in a concrete box like it's a palace.
"What do you want?" he spits at me when he's finally done posturing. His voice is poisonous.
"You don't get to ask the questions today," I inform him. Placing my hands on the table, I lace my fingers together and level him with a dark look. I'm not about to let him walk all over me. I'm done being the damsel in distress. It's my game now.
"I'll ask whatever I damn want to." He sneers, leaning his forearms on the table. The metal of his handcuffs clink against the edge and we both look down at the sound. He grimaces and a smile tugs at the corner of my mouth. He's not as unaffected by his prison stint as he wants me to believe.
"No, today it's my turn. I ask, you answer. You tell me exactly what I want to know and if I'm feeling generous maybe I'll go easy on you."
"Ohhh, I'm quaking." Chuckling, he rolls his eyes and makes a mocking hand gesture. Or as much of a hand gesture as he can manage with his hands bound together like that. "You shouldn't make threats little girl."
"I don't make threats…" I tell him. My voice is cold, sharp. I channel all the rage I feel towards my family's murderer into my tone. I expect for it to sound shaky with the pent up emotion, instead there's a biting edge that takes me slightly by surprise. Apparently, he's surprised too because his eyes widen by a fraction. Small enough that I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't staring him down. It's a little crack in his armor but it's all I need.
"And as for what I'll do... If you don't give me what I want, I'm going to have a word with my good friend the district attorney. I'm going to tell her that you told me you wanted to kill Haider. That you used me as bait to get him to come to you. I don't know how many judges you've got in your pocket but I doubt any of them would willing take the heat for letting an attempted cop killer walk."
The smirk slowly drops of his face as I speak; his expression grows steadily more lethal. I should probably be afraid but I'm so tired of being terrified of everything. "You're crazy. No one's going to believe that."
"Are you really willing to take a gamble on whether or not they believe me?" I ask, tilting my head slowly. My hair slides over my left shoulder, shadowing my features. I take advantage of the small fragment of privacy to school my expression into something more vengeful.
"Listen you little bi-" He starts, sitting straighter in his seat, suddenly. I've got his attention now; it's just a matter of getting what I came here for. I refuse to leave until I've got a solid lead to follow.
I tut, intentionally, at him. The sound comes out as patronizing as I intend it and seems to have the desired effect because his entire face is turning the most glorious shade of puce. "I'd be really nice to me if I were you." I drum my sharp fingernails methodically against metal table top.
There's a beat of silence. Even though there are people talking all around us, for a moment everything feels quiet. It's a sort of static, charged with the sparks of a decision about to be made. Eventually, he relents; "What do you want?"
"I want a name, let's start there." I can't help but smirk; sliding my notebook from my bag, I place it on the table in front of me. This feels a lot like victory. I'm going to figure this out, I have to. There's no other choice. Nicholas Barnes is the key to this entire case and I've just cracked him.
"How'd it go?" Emma calls as I exit the gates of the prison block thirty minutes later. The sun scorching down on the barren stretch of land in front of me. She's leaning against her silver Prius, elbows resting on the hood and ankles crossed. She's the picture of ease.
I raise the notebook in my right hand waving it a little, a smile splitting my face. I'm grinning so hard my cheeks hurt. Emma looks stunned; "Wait, you actually got it?" her voice is incredulous. Her eyes huge and shinning in her pixie face. "How'd you do it?"
I chuckle; nothing can put a damper on my mood right now. "I asked nicely," Well, I guess the term nicely isn't exactly accurate but Emma doesn't need to know that. I finally feel like I'm making progress. I can do this, I'm going to solve my family's murders, I'm going to figure out this whole memory situation, and everything's going to work out.
My phone buzzes in my jacket pocket interrupting my celebratory moment. I pull it out and stare at the display wordlessly for a full minute. Emma's already gotten behind the wheel and she's staring at me expectantly. I swipe the text message open, not really sure what to anticipate. I don't even remember the last time Dastan texted me. Sliding into the passenger seat of Emma's car I try to control my breathing as I read his message.
'We need to talk'. That's all it says. I don't even know how to respond, should I respond. I click the little box on the bottom of the screen and stare at the keyboard. 'About the kiss.' My heart hammers against my ribs, my palms growing sweaty. I'm not sure if this is a good sign or if this is the universes way of screwing with me now that things are finally going well.
I swallow down my reservations. I can't hide from this forever, can I? No, you can't, now pull up your big girl pants and fix the mess you made. My fingers shake as I type out the reply: 'What about it?'
In less than a minute he replies, as if he was waiting by the phone for a response. 'Can we not do this over text…'
I huff an exasperated sigh. Of course he's going to make this a painful as possible. 'I don't really have a lot of time this week. Whatever it is i'm sure a text will be just as effective.'
'Fine.' I can practically see him rolling his eyes; the image warms something inside of me. I bite back a smile and Emma gives me a curious glance and I just shake my head and look back at my phone in time for it to light up with another message. 'I know we haven't really spoken since everything happened but we should probably discuss where this leaves us.'
'Us? There is ni us. Like you told haider it was just physical right?'
He doesn't respond until I'm back at the office. I know because I check my phone every five minutes to make sure I don't miss his reply. A few times I even consider texting again and apologizing for saying what I did but then I remember that he said it first. He reduced it to nothing more than animal attraction. I'm just following his lead. When he eventually does text back all it say is 'Yeah.'
That's it, that's all he has to say? In any case, I guess it's better this way. I'm not sure I could handle the mortification of him trying to explain to me that he doesn't want me that way and it was just an intense moment and emotions were running high. If he tells me it meant nothing I might not be able to hide how much that hurts. The very last thing I want is for him to know that kissing him was the first time in three years I felt like myself. My safest bet is to lie and hope he never figures out that I'm always going to be a little in love with him.