She's messing with me, I'm sure of it. What kind of game is she playing? Last week was probably one of the most emotionally taxing weeks of my life. I thought I was in a good space in regard to my feelings for Kiera- I could not have been more wrong. Spending so much time around her brought up a lot of things I thought I'd managed to bury over the last three years.
When I asked her to help me with Zia I didn't think through all that it would mean. Like waking up and finding her making breakfast in the kitchen, or having to shower after her and walking into a bathroom saturated with the smell of her strawberry shampoo. The way she's just always there whenever I walk into the living, tucked into the lone armchair by the windows, laptop perched on her knees as she writes. It was all entirely too domestic. If someone would've told me earlier that spending a week playing house with Kiera while taking care of Zia would unearth everything I've been running from for the past three years; I would've just done it myself.
I know she wasn't wholly unaffected either; not if the way she looked at me that afternoon in the park is anything to go by. I could see it in her turquoise eyes, the way her gaze burnt a trail along the length of my body, searing every inch of me it touched. I'm not an idiot, I can tell when a woman is attracted to me, and Kiera is definitely attracted. I almost kissed her right then, in the middle of a crowded park. I was ready show her exactly what she threw away the day she told me we were over, audience be damned. Thankfully, Zia had interrupted then because I don't think she would've stopped me if I'd kissed her. She wanted it as much as I did in that moment.
We weren't so fortunate yesterday. God, just thinking about it has my body heating up all over. I'd forgotten how enthralling it is to have her that close. To be able to hold her and touch her that way. The feeling was exhilarating, an electric charge racing along my nerve endings and lighting every inch of me on fire. I shift in my seat, and dad watches me with those eyes that see too much. If it weren't for him, I'm confident that Kiera and I wouldn't have stopped.
Dammit, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since it happened. It's been playing in my head on a loop; the feel of her lips against mine, the way she always tastes like cherries, her soft skin, and those breathy little sounds escaping her mouth. God, when she said my name I'd almost lost every shred of self-control I'd been exerting to stop myself from really making her regret walking away from me.
Great, now I'm thinking about it again. I let out a low groan, running my hand over my face. "Problem?" my father questions from his seat on the opposite end of the couch. We'd decided to watch a movie and I haven't been paying attention to a single moment of it.
I keep my eyes locked on the screen as I say, "Nothing, just distracted." I catch his probing look out of the corner of my eye. He's been watching me like that all night. He's trying to catch me in a lie. Some things never change; my dad's done this since I was a kid. He never just trusts what I tell him, he's always got to look for flaws in my story.
For a moment we're both silent as two cars crash together on the screen, I watch the fiery explosion like it's the most interesting thing in the world. It's a fitting image for how my life feels right now. "Does this have something to do with Kiera?"
Of course, he's going to bring her up right now. "No," I say, keeping my features carefully neutral. I focus only on that one word and not all of things I'm thinking because I know that's going to give me away… I'm always thinking about Kiera. As her face flits through my mind again, I pull my phone out the pocket of my shorts, it's still open to our previous text thread. I read the message for the thousandth time today, 'Us? There is no us. Like you told haider it was just physical right?'
I start typing another reply. I've done this so many times already today and I still haven't figured out what to say to her. How am I supposed to respond to that? Is she expecting me to apologize for saying it, or maybe she wants me to agree so that we can forget the whole thing ever happened. I know she probably regrets it, the guilt in her eyes as she left with Connor that night is a clear sign of that. I delete the reply I just typed and instead just say, 'Yeah.'
Let her do with that what she will. When I look away from the phone, my dad's still watching me. "What?" I ask, raising a brow in annoyance.
He shrugs, his large frame shifting the entire couch. "You look like a man in trouble." He informs me, picking up his beer bottle.
"I'm not…" then after a beat, I add; "It's nothing." I've still got my eyes trained on the screen but I can feel his omniscient stare drilling into the side of my head.
"That," he says, using the neck of his beer bottle to gesture in my direction before taking another sip. "Doesn't look like nothing." He says disinterestedly, as if he's commenting on the weather and not my relationship with his beloved amnesiac.
"Well, what does it look like?" I finally build up the courage to look at him. Maybe it would do me some good to have an outside perspective here. I considered bringing it up to Emma but she would tell Kiera, and Theo would probably lose his shit and get on the next flight here.
"Looks like you've created a problem and now you don't know how to fix it," he sighs, the sound is so weary that it catches my attention. He looks defeated, slumped into the couch, frown creasing his forehead and giving him the look of a worn leather jacket.
"I haven't done anything wrong," I tell him, my hearts beats a little faster in my chest. He knows, I don't know what gave me away but he definitely knows.
He turns to me, giving me his most scathing look. Clearly, he's not impressed with my stance on this issue. "Aren't you tired of this back and forth game?" he asks. I expect him to sound angry but his voice is just tired.
"What are you talking about?"
"You know, this game you and Kiera always play." He says as if that answers everything, twisting his entire body in his seat to face me. With his full focus on me I have to fight not to look away. There are so many things in his expression I don't want to look too closely at. "You've been running from your feelings for Kiera for the better part of your life. The only people who can't see that are the two of you. You both pretend like nothing's happening until something, inevitably, does and then when it all goes belly up; you act surprised."
I stiffen, that's not what I was expecting him to say. In fact, I was sort of anticipating the regular lecture. Some variation of the speech about how Kiera's been through so much and I should cut her some slack and stop expecting her to live up the image of her I have in my mind. We've had that conversation a few times, but not once has he ever addressed my feelings for her. Not that I have any, this whole thing is just the product of forced proximity. "I don't have feelings for her."
"That's not what I saw yesterday…" He smirks at me. There's a mischievous look in his dark eyes. It makes him look younger, more like the way I remembered him before I left. He's teasing me. It's so weird to see him this way; he hasn't been like this in years.
"I told you that was just an argument that got a little too heated." As I say it I feel my cheeks heating slightly and I've never been more grateful for my more tanned complexion because if he caught me blushing that'd be a dead giveaway. "Besides, I wasn't the only one there, why aren't you giving Kiera shit for it too?"
"If that's what you have to tell yourself," He takes a sip of his beer, but I still catch the gleam of his teeth in the darkened room. Is he laughing at me? "I just think you guys should stop beating around the bush, own up to it and then you can put us all out of our misery."
"Are you encouraging me to make a move on Kiera?" I ask incredulously. That's not possible, I'm probably hallucinating. This is the same man who gives me the 'remember I have a gun' look every time Kiera and I are in the same room. "I thought you didn't approve."
"I don't approve but I'm so sick of walking on eggshell around the two of you. You're both so clueless that if it wasn't so frustrating it would be funny," he grows visibly uncomfortable as he speaks. His voice getting more cautious, he turns toward the TV screen again so he isn't looking at me anymore as he says: "Look I love you both more than life itself but you need to figure out what's going on here before one or both of you get hurt."
'I-" I begin, not sure what to say. This is the most he's opened up to me since I moved back. We've mostly been arguing and at each other's throats and now I kind of feel like a dick for it. I swallow and try again. "Dad, I'm an adult, I can handle my own love life."
"Be that as it may, I don't want to see you miserable because you're afraid that telling her how you feel is going to lead to rejection." This time he does look at me and I see nothing but sincerity in his eyes as he reaches out and gives my shoulder a squeeze. I know he's not saying it to upset me or get under my skin and that makes it so much worse because he genuinely is afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle the rejection and I'd run off like a little kid.
"That's not it, I'm not afraid she going to reject me." I try to explain but the rest of the words stick in my throat. I haven't spoken about this with anyone since I broke down and cried about it to Theo when I first got to London. It's always been harder for me to share the way I feel with people. I could talk my way out of anything, I've always been good with words but when it comes to emotions I'm especially inept.
"It's okay," he says giving me a tight smile. It's like he knows I can't say what I really want to. "I'm just letting you know that it's okay to go for it, just maybe not against my living room wall next time."
I'm stunned into absolute silence. I'd always thought that if things went south between Kiera and I that my dad would side with her. That's how it had seemed to me all those years ago, and that's part of the reason I left. Now, he's saying that no matter what happens it won't change anything. Did he just give me his blessing? Well, it doesn't matter; it's just physical. There's nothing between me and Kiera except some residual attraction and there's nothing can do about the fact that I find her beautiful. But that's it, she's hot and I'm a guy. It's not that deep.